De Rigueur

MBD

One of the benefits to being into good music is that you get turned onto other good music.

The opening act for Rasputina was My Brightest Diamond, and while I was expecting folkie solo guitar songcraft, as my slight research had done, Shara Worden came packing a full band (and lucky me for it was the only tour stop she had backing). Although she did cover the lovely Weil tune “Youkali” solo (and in French, no less), her guitar playing and singing were well framed by her backing musicians.

Somewhere between the accompaniment of a string section, Kate Bush vocal theatrics, coffeehouse indie songwriting, and the pages of a cute art school girl’s diary, My Brightest Diamond exists. While Famous Mom took a pass when she heard lyrics of dragonflies and spider webs (and on Rasputina to boot), I recommend the more curious amongst you check it out.

Crulogy

I came to bury Tammy Faye, not to praise her.

After bilking millions of dollars from gullible followers looking to buy their way into heaven, karma caught up with Tammy Faye and blessed her with cancer. After a decade of sucking sympathy and compassion out of others for her condition and crusading with the same pro-Christian message that got her in trouble, save the sheen of a reformed, supposedly apologetic attitude, Tammy Faye finally took a long awaited and well deserved dirt nap.

While she hoped to be an inspiration to others and believed she was going “straight to heaven”, the fact is that she preyed on the stupid and weak – religious minded suckers, and that her faith is indelibly marred by her hypocrisy. If there is a heaven, I expect her to have the gates slammed in her face. I can only hope that the utterly simple folk who stuck by her charade of fanaticism and religious fervor, and who prayed for her during her sickness and bothered to spare the time to consider her at all find themselves led to a similarly unexpected holy lockout.

When Dick Cheney and the rest of the elite scum of our current administration get their comeuppance, you better believe I’ll be cheering for slow, painful karma to do them right. It’s hard to believe in higher powers and afterlife real estate given the injustice and tragedy that exists on a daily basis, but if there truly is a God, all of these motherfuckers will suffer here on Earth and beyond.

Greet death Tammy Faye, and expect company.

A Weekend To Reflect

Places, people, events...maybe by Monday there'll be things we can share with each other.

I'll be waiting for your post.

Harry Potter And The Incredible Hype

Instead of weighing in on Potter-mania, Chez already nailed it.

Executive Decision

Witness the awesome power of the executive office!

Today, the president signed an executive order prohibiting cruel and inhuman treatment, including humiliation or denigration of religious beliefs, in the detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects. I guess that means there won't be anymore cruel and inhuman treatment, including humiliation or denigration of religious beliefs, in the detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects.

Not that the US was doing that before.

By having somebody write an executive order to that end and signing his name to it, the president and his office, on behalf of the nation, are going on record to curb such actions.

And just like that, all such disdainful treatment has ceased.

With such amazing power, how's about a few more executive orders, maybe curtailing homelessness, poverty, and budget expenditures? Okay, one hurdle at a time. And they say he's a lame duck...

Spiked Arnold Palmer

Golf has a drug problem.

At least that's what Gary Player (no joke) wants you to think. The nine-time tournament champion urged golf organizations to start random testing, because he knows of one player using performance-enhancing drugs.

Not surprisingly, he stands alone in this claim. Heavyweights like Tiger Wood, Nick Faldo, and Phil Mickleson all expressed their doubts. "I don't think there's even a remote chance that will happen," Mickleson said of a golfer testing positive for steroids.

Player said he felt 50 to 60 percent of athletes in the world are using performance-enhancing drugs, but hen asked for a number of golfers, he estimated 10 were using. Nevermind the sharp percentage to numbers drop when holding up golfers, just know that Player believes that golfers are on the juice...and I think he's a moron.

Golf, which I continuously have to remind you is not a sport, will never feel the scandalous sting of steroid use. No golfer will ever shatter a longstanding record while being federally investigated for steroid use. No golfer will ever kill his wife and child before committing suicide and have almost 50 times the normal amount of steroids in them. And no golfer will test positive for steroid use and be in jeopardy of being stripped of their tour title. This is based on the fact that steroids can never play a factor in golf.

Most golfers are already using enhancing tonics, but it is mostly vitamins, anti-inflammatory balms, and other geriatric medicines. And when you see 13 year old Chinese girls qualifying for pro tournaments, the performance enhancing angle goes out the window. Not being remotely athletic or falling under consideration as an athlete, millions of golfers are old or out of shape (or both), yet still play several fine rounds of golf. The same goes for the pros. There's no seniors division in any other sport...what does that tell you?

The foolish notion that something that can be performance enhancing for activities that have little activity to enhance is taking it literally. Are NASCAR drivers next? Just look at any non-sport they're running on ESPN2 to see the stretch this is going to make. World Series Of Poker anyone? It's one thing to build muscle to run faster or knock a man down, but putting just doesn't make the grade.

Palette Cleanser

The only thing strong enough to remove the disgusting image of a wet Bon Jovi is Malice.

One of the interweb's more provocative creatures, she's currently broadcasting hatewaves out of Italy. She's dangerous in all good and bad senses of the word, and that's alright by me.

Bon Douchi

Jon Bon Jovi is a talentless sissy. But you can add egotistical megalomaniac to that resume.

An entrepreneur with a 3 year old energy drink got a cease and desist letter from an attorney representing Bon Jovi, claiming promotional materials and the can were appropriating...um, the magic and of good name of Jon Bon Jovi?

Marcos Carrington says his coffee-based energy drink is named after his girlfriend, whose name is Jovita, not the 45-year-old rocker, real name John Francis Bongiovi Jr.

In the Jan. 22 letter, objections were made to the product's name "Mijovi" as well as other words "itsmijovi" and "itsmilife". Rather than use Carrington's spelling, the letter used the phrases, "It's My Jovi" and "It's My Life." If you haven't figured it out, that's so that they could draw a parallel between phonetic terms and claim they're the same -- the retarded basis that frivolous legal actions like these are founded on.

Through sheer poor reasoning, the similar sounding name, and that one of his most popular (and shitty) songs is entitled "It's My Life", does Bon Jovi really expect to prevail? Carrington said the words "itsmijovi" and "itsmilife" are meant to mean "it's my jovial life," and the full phrase on the can says "itsmienergy.itsmijovi.itsmilife."

Carrington told newspapers, "It is unfair because Mijovi has nothing to do with Bon Jovi."

Goddamn right! You start a business and then some douche hair rocker from the 80s tries to stake a claim based on his fading vanity. And who the hell would actually drink something that had anything remotely to do with him? The thought of Bon Jovi would cause instant choking.

Carrington says he's willing to stop using "itsmilife" on cans once an inventory of 3,000 cans is used up. I think a good way to speed that up is by throwing them at Bon Jovi's oversized melon.

Who Farted?

Really, who?

Asbestos ♥ New York.

Death Warmed Over

You may recall a ways back I began the deathwatch on Tammy Faye, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had stopped taking treatments. I am a man who will admit when he is wrong, and whether or not she saw it, I incorrectly surmised she wouldn't make it to the release of the 3rd Pirates flick.

So imagine my surprise (none) that media leech Larry King has her on tonight's show. She looks horrible, as one would expect from battling cancer and dropping to 65 lbs -- and why I only use a small picture. It's legitimately frightening.

I'm sure she'll relay a message of calm acceptance doused in Jesus, but other than to scare small children and make everybody feel bad, why air this? It is not uplifting or empowering or necessary. King is a vampire, and those who tune in are no better, taking what little is left of her life to feed off. Tammy Faye, still the narcissist, gets one more ego trip down television lane.

I suggest a new show called Terminal Death, where every week people in the final stages of diseases get interviewed about what it is like for them to know they are about to die. Afterwards, there will be a one hour call-in segment where viewers can call in and share how fucking depressing it was to watch and then relay a tale of their own to up the misery quotient. It will be the next big thing in entertainment-less entertainment, bigger than the torture porn of the Saw and Hostel movies. And anti-depressant sales will go through the roof.

The "Bad Times" block of programming will continue with another of my new shows, Clubbing Baby Animals. You goddamn masochists.

Hot Death

Given the choice of an explosive burst of scalding steam and debris or the grinding impact of jet fuel and steel airframe, I choose neither. Yes, I can do that.

Between the Brazilian jet that never cleared the runway and went skidding into a gas station (smart placement, putting a fuel reservoir at the end of a too short runway) and the pipe malfunction from the bowels of the Big Apple, I say both are shitty ways to die. The cause of both is officially "under investigation", but that just really means they haven't squarely placed the blame. Brazilian government and air travel cabinetry had dealt with congressional inquiries as the too short and rain slickened runway was not ample enough. And the condensation in pipes that cause a "water hammer" effect is well documented, the most recent explosion occurring in 1989 which killed three - and the leading culprit here.

Instead of pondering a superheated, instant death, may I suggest...kittens!

200, Post Haste

In less time than it took to break the century mark we doubled it. I don't know if that's worth celebrating or not...we're still heading in the same direction -- trouble.

Ookie!

The Atlanta Falcons, who went a mediocre 47-48-1 in six years with QB Michael Vick, may have played their last average season with him.

Vick is at the center of a federal investigation into procuring and training pit bulls for dogfights, which aside from occurring across state lines (that's a no-no), was centered at his Surry County estate.

A federal grand jury handed down indictments yesterday after hearing details from an 18 page filing, and unlike past documents and inquiries which did not name Vick, the filing is littered with his name, including the interesting tidbit that Vick was known as "Ookie" in the dogfighting world.

The football star and three others are named along with their enterprise, Bad Newz Kennels, in the indictment, which holds that at least 8 dogs were killed per their instructions. The methods varied from hanging, drowning, slamming them to the ground, or being doused with water and electrocuted. Charges range from knowingly sponsoring and exhibiting an animal fighting venture, to conducting a business enterprise involving gambling, as well as buying, transporting and receiving dogs for the purposes of an animal fighting venture. Translation, up to six years in prison, $350,000 in fines and restitution if convicted.

Authorities seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment commonly used in dogfighting. Local officials had been investigating Vick since an April 25 drug raid at the property and police later executed their own search warrant finding the remains of seven dogs.

In 2005, Vick was part of a civil suit where he allegedly knowingly gave genital herpes to Sonya Elliott. The crux of the suit was that Vick had visited clinics under the alias "Ron Mexico" to get treatments and thus he knew of his condition. Awesomely, a deluge of fans ordered customized #7 Atlanta Falcons jerseys on NFLShop.com with the name "Mexico" on the back. Due to the frenzy surrounding the case, the National Football League disallowed the use of the jersey/name combination two days after the lawsuit.

No word on prohibition of getting the jersey with "Ookie" on it.

Don't Believe The Hype

Maddox ain't gettin' no iPhone! Come down from the mountain, he speaketh the truth. Bow down.

TLC Meets THC

On my way to the gym last night, there was a radio promo for a new online dating site. I thought I'd seen them all, but I was wrong. Enter PotPartner.com!

The stigma of getting high has proven to be the bane of many relationships, so if you want to hook up with Mr. or Miss Right who doesn't mind the 3 foot Graffix bong you keep on the coffee table, step right up.

The radio ad was two gals talking about how one can't find a guy who is cool with her "420ing", and the other tells her how she found a great guy on the website. For the next 30 seconds they say the word 420 a dozen times and let all the stoners know that it's a free to join. Apparently, burners have such a difficult time connecting with other people, so the website proudly boasts being a place where people can meet that at least have one thing in common.

Both the ad and the site blow my mind on so many levels.

First, fuck "420". Back in ancient times (the 90s), when I was in college at UC Santa Barbara, there was a perpetual haze of pot smoke covering the square mile of Isla Vista, where over 17,000 students lived. Nobody, and I mean nobody, EVER used the words 420 in any way, shape or form relative to marijuana. My friends in Santa Cruz, another hub of excessive pot smoking never knew of or used the term. No reasonable explanation as to it's origin has ever been presented -- yes, reasonable, not some pothead conspiratorial coded message about when or where to get high. It is ultimately a combination of savvy marketers who use the familiarity of it to sell useless shit to stupid kids, and the same stupid kids who latch onto the catchphrase in order to not look some much like the posers they are.

Let's make this clear -- smoking pot is great. Kids, ask your parent's permission first, but I am not going to tell you that a little weed is bad for you. It helps sick people, it makes movies and music more vivid, and it fosters creativity. Like anything else, moderation it important, but it is a good thing...except when it is blown up to "420" sized proportions. Everything that's cool and positive about marijuana is the the opposite of what verbalizing, representing, incorporating, and displaying 420 culture is. Counter-culture means exactly what it says, and the overt acceptance of 420 as a rallying call is nothing more than the retarded self-indulgence of the younger generation of pot smokers to feel important and included because they get high. Sorry, kids, but almost everyone smokes a little dope from time to time -- they're just not conspicuous assholes about it centering themselves around an arbitrary term.

(toke)

Okay, I had to chill out -- I was getting too worked up about those dipshits. Another moronic element is the notion that relationships are made and broken over smoking pot, and that it is a relevant criteria for finding people to date. If you smoke so much goddamn pot that it becomes a factor in finding a mate or an issue for a current relation ship, you smoke too much goddamn pot. You have to be a pretty dull tool if you're reduced to finding compatibility based on smoking herb. I think that's a small, specific step above listing eating and sleeping as interests. And to think that if burning one down is the key ingredient is getting along with somebody yet you have to resort to the internet to make a match, you deserve to be alone. A friend with weed is a friend indeed, no?

Looking at the site only prompted more head-shaking at the obvious retardation. Every third girl had 420 tacked onto their screen name and one in four had a thinly veiled pseudonym having to do with pot - can there really be 67 Mary Janes? Also, you can select your usage level to maximize compatibility, from once a month to chronic abuse multiple times a day. Who the fuck would cop to smoking pot once a month yet use PotPartner.com to find a pothead match?

After looking at a few profiles I honestly felt like I had given myself brain damage. Listen, if you're on a website for pot smokers, you don't need to put in your profile how you like to smoke weed...that is, unless you're an idiot pot smoker who is too lit to realize that's a given. Hey genius, tell me something I don't know! If I was at a party and all these people were there, I think I'd just start punching my way through them until I got to an exit. The contact high with these hempophiles could be lethal. I have truly never seen such a collection of party-friendly good timers that had less to offer than these herbalists.

Personally, I think the site is a great way for girls to get abducted and murdered, and while the site does not advertise that function, what exactly do you think is going to happen when women find strangers on the internet to do drugs with? When is there going to be Cokeheads.org or PillMachines.net? Nothing like fostering an addiction and then trying to get people together to indulge it, right?

Since I love you all so much, I decided to register -- since you can't really see anything if you're not -- and save you the trouble of putting yourself out there in nasty cyberland. Just head over to the website, login as IOVUF, password: blog, and you'll be able to look at the profiles and marvel at the desperate, stoney folks who won't bogart that joint. As your courtesy to me, your blogging deity, please don't start posting narc threats or invite fat chicks to my place. Because I will plant such a brick of kind on you that you'll prey they only give you the mandatory minimum. Irie!

On second thought, don't bother checking it out...go get high instead. Way less of a waste of time.

Law & Order: Arrakis

Soon, there will be a Law & Order show for every hour of the day, and it will be prerequisite for actors to do a stint on there before getting work. But until then, all we can do is keep track of the beast as it grows and absorbs Hollywood.

The latest acquisition to the leviathan is Alicia Witt, who may have had many roles in her career, but she will always be Alia from Dune. As it turns out, she's not too hard on the eyes as an adult.

I can't keep track of the 36 different shows or the 249 characters, but hopefully they'll let her use a gom jabbar as standard issue and use the Bene Geserit voice when she interrogates suspects. Hell, give her the spice or some of the water of life and let her do her thing. Crime would be non-existent in about a month.

Alia is one hardcore little girl, and she's got a message from her brother. Goddamn right I'm geeked out on Dune.

Indiana Jones And The Quest For Stuff

Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford reunited for the fourth installment of the series, which is yet untitled and set for release next year. Absent from the cast is Sean Connery, who played Henry Jones, the interpid adventurer's father in the previous film.

One reason for the omission could be the 19 year gap between storylines, or not such a drastic difference in aged looks between Ford and Connery, both of which qualify for AARP benefits.

My sources and this photo tell me he's moved on to other projects...like being a BDSM gunslinger.

Much Ghetto About Nothing

Execs at BET are under fire from both television critics and advertisers for their upcoming show Hot Ghetto Mess.

Based on the the website of the same name, the show combines viewer-submitted home videos and man-on-the-street interviews that the channel says are intended to challenge and inspire "viewers to improve themselves and their communities." Did we mention that the website features photos of men and women who are mostly black, living in extreme hip-hop fashion, most notably their hairstyles and clothing.

Kinda like tough love through shame.

Turning the critical eye on one's own peeps is nothing new. From The Redd Foxx Show to In Living Color to Chappelle's Show, satirizing and drawing attention to the negative aspects of their culture have provided some of the funniest moments on television as well as the most thought provoking commentary. The website is embracing, but hardly controversial, and methinks that not only is the uproar premature but perhaps unnecessary, save some sly marketing to draw more attention and viewers to the show.

The real news is that Hot Ghetto Mess was my breakdancing name, and now they're locking it up with usage so I can't reform my crew to take back the streets and do a fundraiser so the Miracles community center won't fall into the hands of greedy developers. We did a badass set to "Taxman" from The Beatles, and I had a polo shirt with my name in big fuzzy felt heat transfer letters on it.

Know Your Judd

Judd Hirsch
Career High – cab driving protagonist in Taxi, the eponymous divorcee in Dear John

Career Low – stereotypical jew in Independence Day

Juddliness – 5: Nostalgia and reruns keep this Judd in circulation. Certainly the oldest of this Judd collection, he has hardly reigned since the mid-80s.

Judd Nelson
Career High – rebellious loser John Bender in The Breakfast Club, inaugural member of the "Brat Pack"

Career Low – member of the cast of Suddenly Susan

Juddliness – 3: If he’d done something noteworthy in the last 15 years, perhaps he’d be higher up. Voicing Rodimus Prime in Transformers: The Movie…yeah, could have been that pivot point.

Judd Winnick
Career High – parlayed Real World housemate fame into a career as a comic book writer

Career Low – parlayed Real World housemate fame into a career as a comic book writer

Juddliness – 1: You’ve never heard of him…unless you’re a total fanboy geek. Let’s keep it that way.

Judd Apatow
Career High – writer / director of The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up

Career Low – Hollywood bureaucrats canceled the genius Freaks And Geeks and Undeclared after one season

Juddliness – 8: Tops all other Judds, in no small part to his impressive credits, which also include The Ben Stiller Show, The Larry Sanders Show, and Anchorman. Plus he’s married to Leslie Mann.

The Judds
Career High – once successful country singing duo

Career Low – Hepatitis C, rapid obesity

Juddliness – 4: Diana and Christina had to get countrified as Naomi and Wynonna to sell their two-steppin’ song and dance. Country music sucks…but they got extra Judd points for actress Ashley.