Santa's Helpers

I wasn't in the holiday spirit...until this.

Krampus And Friends

Santa Claus checks his list to see if you've been nice, but what happens if you are naughty?

In the Alpine area of Europe, Krampus comes to town.

About 200 years ago, St. Nick’s job was split - while the jolly fat man delivered presents, an evil, goat-horned spirit, the Krampus, brought bad dreams and beatings to the boys and girls of Austria, southern Germany, Switzerland, northern Italy. December 5 is Krampus Fest, and like most holidays in Europe, becomes an excuse for small towns in the countryside (where Krampus is more popular) to get together and drink their brains out.

Who else hangs with St. Nick?

White Horse
In the Netherlands, Sinterklaas arrives on a large white horse, a schimmel, which he rides around the countryside to visit schools and homes. Sometimes a white horse is also with St. Nicholas in Belgium, Germany and Poland.

Donkey
In France, Belgium, Luxembourg, and Switzerland, St. Nicholas leads a donkey laden with baskets full of treats and toys for children.

Angels
They may be the saint's helpers in Belgium, Germany, Poland, Ukraine, and Austria. Sometimes they keep the record of children's behavior in St. Nicholas' large book; they may carry the book as St. Nicholas delivers gifts. In Czech and Slovak tradition, the angel is there to protect children from the devil.

Devil
In Czech and Slovak traditions, a shaggy furred devil with horns, tail, and a long red tongue comes along with Saint Nicholas. He has a staff to threaten punishment. However, he is chained and an angel is there to protect the children.

Ruprecht
AKA Knecht Ruprecht, is St. Nicholas' most familiar attendant in Germany. He is a servant and helper whose face is sooty from going down chimneys leaving children's treats. He carries the sack of presents and a rod for disobedient children. "Just wait until Ruprecht comes" is still a common threat in German homes. Originally a farm hand, Ruprecht is known as Hanstrapp or Rupelz in the French region of Alsace. In Germany he comes in many forms: Krampus in Southern Germany, Pelzebock or Pelznickel in the North-West, Hans Muff in Rhineland, Bartel or the Wild Bear in Silesia, Gumphinkel with a bear in Hesse, or Black Pit close to the Dutch border. In the Palatinate both Nicholas and his attendant may be known as Stappklos, the plodder and grumbler.

Zwarte Piet
AKA Black Peter, was established in the Netherlands as the Sinterklaas helper in the 1845 book Sinterklaas en Zijn Knecht. He rides over the rooftops with Sinterklaas, listens down chimneys to check children's behavior, and delivers gifts. Even though some ask if he is an anachronism in today's world, the Piets are enormously popular; the Dutch see them as more fun-loving and mischievous than the more stately bishop. Besides, the Saint asks children questions and gives fruit while it is the Piets who hand out treats and candy.

Père Fouettard
He is found in France and Luxembourg, where he's known as Housécker. He is the evil butcher who was forever condemned to follow St. Nicolas as a punishment for luring the little lost children into his shop. His name doesn't translate well, but means "Mr. Bogeyman," "spanking," or "switches."

Schmutzli
He is nearly all brown: dressed in brown, with brown hair and beard, and a face darkened with lard and soot. He is St. Nicholas' helper in Switzerland. He carries a switch and sack, but no longer uses them. Children used to be told that Schmutzli would beat naughty children with the switch and carry them off in the sack to gobble them up in the woods. Sadly, today there is no more talk of beatings and such kidnappings.

Praising Bad

Hand in hand with the holiday season is the wave of arm-breaking back patting for awards given to one's peers, and this recent post from Chez of Deus Ex Malcontent sums up exactly how I feel.

And Now, a Message to the Screen Actor's Guild from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth

Fuck you people, just fuck you.

I swear to Christ, if I had any kind of worthwhile financial incentive to offer I'd put a fucking bounty on the head of that nebbishy little twat Alan Rosenberg and every other member of the Guild's senior management -- then I'd probably do my impression of the Terminator on Crank and fly my ass out to Beverly Hills to personally hunt down anybody else who's ever tried to pompously convince America that acting is the finest and most worthwhile profession a human being could possibly undertake. (Yes William H. Macy, Richard Dreyfuss and Sean Penn -- that means you assholes.)

It's bad enough that once a year you pretentious turds gather to blow yourselves and each other at the SAG Awards ("By actors, for actors" as you say, which is really no less obnoxious than anyone who throws a party for him or herself -- moreso actually given that it's not necessary since everyone else already lavishes attention and praise on you people at every fucking turn) but to affect such an air of nobility in regard to your supposed "craft," then turn around and try to cast the worst kind of drivel as art while snubbing real talent is as fucking laughable as it is unforgivable.

What the hell am I talking about you ask?

I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy -- one of the worst goddamned shows on television; the kind of dumbass schlock that should've been canceled after two episodes -- once again being recognized with a SAG Award nomination for Best Ensemble Cast, while once again one of the best shows on television gets nothing.

If you fuckers can explain to me why, as the series enters its final season, you still fail to recognize the unequivocal brilliance of Battlestar Galactica, that'd be just awesome. For the past three years, Battlestar has won rave reviews from critics, been voted one of the best shows on television in God knows how many magazines and newspapers, and consistently brought a level of excellence in acting and complexity in storytelling that's rarely seen on the small screen. It's a credit to television, if such a thing is possible.

The show is so good -- the acting on the show is so good -- that overlooking it isn't merely an insult, it's a goddamned travesty.

Look, I understand that the Emmys and the Golden Globes and their ilk basically boil down to a popularity contest: the academies and associations that vote on them feel like they have to justify their beloved guilty pleasures by bestowing on crap shows and movies -- and the actors and actresses in them -- the mantle of quality where there really is none to be found. But you guys -- you're supposed to be the people who recognize and reward the true talent; if you don't, your credibility as an organization is shot, and from what I've seen you arrogant pricks would rather step on a live landmine than undermine the supposed dignity of this silly profession you've chosen. (Yeah, I get it -- it's a tough life waking up for all those auditions and eventually, if you're one of the lucky ones, being paid an obscene amount of money for standing in front of a camera and pretending to be someone else. You shame me with your heroic perseverence in the face of seemingly impossible odds. Someone should name a fucking cancer ward after you.)

It works like this though: nothing you say or do should be taken seriously -- least of all your stupid little self-congratulatory awards show -- until you fuckers can admit that Katee Sackhoff and Edward James Olmos have created infinitely richer, better characters than Katherine Heigl and that kid from Can't Buy Me Love.

But since you couldn't do it this year again -- fuck you.

Just fuck you.

Amen, brother!

Last Minute Weekend

C'mon, you still have a few dollars left! Be good little consumers and max your credit!

The worst part of the holidays is gift giving - not that I mind getting stuff for those I love, but I do not like getting gifts. Must stem from my self-loathing. I just don't like the notion of giving a gift because it's a holiday, and worse, I pretty much have or acquire the things I want when I need them. Sure, I could get a 60" plasma or some other upgrade, but I don't need the biggest, newest, or best of anything if I didn't already get it myself for a genuine purpose.

Too often, with the spectre of necessity hanging over, we ask for things we'd want rather than need, because we know we'd not waste the money on it for ourselves, and somehow having when it's bought for us justifies having something unnecessary. It was easy to skip my birthday, because sometimes you're just too old to get gifts, but the holiday was a little trickier. So I caved and thought my ass off to come up with things I truly needed, and it will be a holly jolly Christmas for one Famous child.

That, and work unexpectedly will be closed completely Monday, paving the way for a four day weekend and only this morning's half day as the total labor output for a week and a half. Shit, that is a Xmas miracle.

The Sound Of Winter Solstice

On the shortest day of the year, "Solstice", from my favorite band MAGNA.

R.I.P. You Fine Characters

Sacha Baron Cohen told The Daily Telegraph he's retiring both the clueless Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev and equally clueless aspiring London rapper Ali G.

"When I was being Ali G and Borat I was in character sometimes 14 hours a day and I came to love them, so admitting I am never going to play them again is quite a sad thing. It is like saying goodbye to a loved one. It is hard, and the problem with success, although it's fantastic, is that every new person who sees the Borat movie is one less person I `get' with Borat again, so it's a kind of self-defeating form, really."

Both were awesomely funny segments of his show and made for good films, but it's nice to see them not milked until the point they're stale. You got that Dan Ackroyd and whatever warm body you make a Blues Brother?

Welcome To The Unicorn Kingdom Club

King-Sized Cruelty Bars

PETA took a day off of throwing blood at animal skin-wearing matrons and having Hollywood ingenues pose nude in disgust of fur to combat the real enemy - the MARS candy manufacturing company!

For far too long, delicious chocolates and crunchy nougat treats have been tested on animals, and this is just plain wrong! There are millions of candy eating teens and menstruating women who need this chocolate, yet lab animals are enjoying the flavorful foods that MARS brand offers. Oh, the outrage!

While I like how PETA continues to get women to strip for their cause, it's annoying as hell. Like all zealots, they have taken what is a good idea on the surface and rode it to a brutal extreme. What is the single most despicable trait is how PETAns overvalue animals to the equal point of people. When you look at natural order and the hierarchy of beings, people are at the top. Not animals, people. Ethical treatment for rats? I don't think so. It is no suprise that he people who are super animal friendly can't interact too well with people, and end up humanizing them.

Yes, you can whine about all the cute bunnies and monkeys that are getting 8000 times the proper make-up applied to their eyes, but top of the food chain gets to have that privilege. That's also why it rules when some dumbass living amongst bears in Alaska gets mauled or a dude in Florida becomes aligator bait. Nature will totally kill you, and animals don't care. That's why we call them animals...not equal, not human, and not to be treated the same.

Almost none of these folks are living in the wilderness on organic vegetables, but their righteousness would lead you to believe that. Because the level of dedication would force all of them to eschew all their lovely shoes, and eat no animal products at all, and become strict vegans. And living on soy, wheat gluten and tofu exclusively, well, live just isn't worth living at that point. At some level, plants and other organic material "feel"...they are living, so what's to say they don't suffer as well?

"Disgustipated" by Tool (and a well made fanvid to accompany it).

And the angel of the Lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber, and took me on high, and higher still until we moved in the spaces betwixt the air itself.

And he bore me unto a vast farmland of our own Midwest, and as we descended cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay, a million voices full of fear.

And terror possessed me then.

And I begged, "Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?" And the angel said unto me, "These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots. You see, reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust."

And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one millions terrified brothers and roared, "Hear me now, I have seen the light, they have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul. Damn you!

Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!

Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you, Jesus!

stupid, sexy naked humans

Dating 2.0

The online dating world just got a bandwidth boost.

Combining the tech savvy of web video and text messaging with the modern social networking trend, new online dating sites are trying to amp up matchmaking.

"We're the antithesis of sites like Match and eHarmony," says Stephen Stokols, co-founder of speed-dating site WooMe. "It's instant gratification."

Video-centered services like SpeedDate, Say-hey-hey and WooMe reel in online speed daters by offering quick registration, free memberships and the tantalizing promise of a date within minutes. Others, like Ice Brkr and Crazy Blind Date, rely on text messaging to coordinate speedy meetings. More than 22 million people gave these services a spin this year.

WooMe allows members to create short group-video-chat sessions, while SpeedDate files a seemingly endless line of daters through your virtual door for three minute "video dates". On Say-hey-hey, users upload a YouTube-style clip of themselves, and viewers interested in a date ping the posters with intro videos of their own.

Besides catering to a new generation who grew up with computers, online dating is a growth industry that is predicted to generate more than $900 million a year in the United States by 2011.

On one hand, there is more, true interaction with the person by having video, but there are far more negative factors. The luxury of online dating is being able to interact in your underwear, and not have to be date-ready at all times. You could be browsing a website and also checking your email, or be on the phone, but once you're on video, you're locked in to only that. And if you continue down this road, you're likely to end up with people staying at home exclusively but having complete virtual interaction, which is lame - why not just go out and meet people? The benefit of online dating is to not get up in people's faces immediately and to get to know a little about them. Having a video component is nice, but the haste in churning through potential suitors as these sites are set up may end up hurting the process as quantity gets emphasis over quality.

More Xmas Cheer

These are elves.

They are making snow.

They are very good at it, although on some days the snow comes out better than others.

They are fed twice a week and do not get to see their families.

One elf tried to escape this morning but he was shot in the head. They shot him in the fucking head.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct

Forget that practically everybody in Major League Baseball is going to get hosed in the wake of their steroids scandal, how brutal is it that this play didn't even draw a foul? Also brutal? Me first seeing that as a 20"x 10" close-up in ESPN The Magazine.

Bring Out The Gimp

Continuing my efforts to thwart what would otherwise be a regular, mirth filled holiday, this is Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer with a dash of Pulp Fiction.

The Tale Of A Couple Of Old Queens

Queen Elizabeth II became Britain's oldest ever monarch today, reaching the milestone at the job she's held for more than a half century.

Elizabeth, a spry 81, passed the mark set by her great-great-grandmother Queen Victoria. Victoria was born on May 24, 1819, and lived for 81 years and 243 days. Buckingham Palace, calculating longevity down to the hour, said Elizabeth moved past her predecessor at about 5 p.m.

Palace officials said there would be no special events to mark the occasion, and the queen had no public appearances scheduled. She spent the day working quietly at home on royal paperwork, but royal historian Robert Lacey said the milestone would likely bring the queen "some quiet satisfaction."

Elizabeth, who took the throne in 1952, is one of only five kings or queens since the 1066 Norman Conquest to reign for more than half a century. Currently the fourth longest-reigning English monarch, she would overtake King Henry III on March 5, and King George III in 2012. On Sept. 9, 2015 she would pass Queen Victoria, who ruled for almost 64 years, as the longest-reigning British monarch.

Elizabeth can already claim to have been active longer than Victoria, who retreated from public life for more than a decade after the death of her husband, Prince Albert, in 1861. The queen's landmark means her eldest son is approaching his own record — the longest wait by an heir to the throne. Victoria's son became King Edward VII in 1901, aged just over 59 years and two months. Prince Charles turned 59 five weeks ago on Nov. 14.

Anti-monarchist group Republic urged the queen to mark the milestone by giving up her job, but Buckingham Palace has long said that the queen has no intention of abdicating in favor of her son. The old bird may have quite a few years left on the job - her mother, the Queen Mother Elizabeth, died in 2002 at the age of 101.

Who?

Tom Tancredo dropped of the 2008 presidential race and endorsed Republican rival Mitt Romney, which begs the question: who is Tom Tancredo?

Tancredo, apparently a five-term congressman from Colorado, consistently polled at the bottom of the nine person Republican field. Are you sure somebody isn't just making his office bid up? I half expect to look at footage from the last six months and see him digitally inserted into the picture like Forrest Gump.

He announced his withdrawal two weeks before Iowa begins the presidential nominating process with its precinct caucuses, which promise to give he and I an equal number of votes. Yes, that's right, but unlike the pompous hopeful I realize my bid has zero effect on how the vote shakes out for the rest of the candidates.

"I fear remaining in this race, one which I cannot win, would contribute to the nomination of one of these candidates," he said, identifying Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and Arizona Sen. John McCain. This one trick pony has based his campaign on immigration alone, and viewpoints on any other subjects is mostly unknown.

Tancredo said he and Romney met Thursday for more than an hour and he left the meeting convinced that the former Massachusetts governor would do what's necessary to fight illegal immigration. "He is the best hope for our cause," Tancredo said.

Tancredo announced in October that he would not seek a sixth term in Congress, but hinted he would consider running for the Senate after his presidential bid. He may also go to the border to build a wall to keep immigrants from crossing, or form his own vigilante group of patriots who protect citizens from the threat of illegal aliens called Tancredo Force.

Pointless

Uninsured cancer patients are nearly twice as likely to die within five years as those with private coverage according to the first national study of its kind.

WHAT?

People without health insurance are less likely to get recommended cancer screening tests, the study also found.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

The research by scientists with the American Cancer Society absolutely wasted time, money, and resources. This breaking news is right up there with the sun being bright and food being edible. No wonder it was the first ever study into the subject - we were already aware of it! Not that I'm the type to give to charity, and though I certainly am against cancer, I am sure that I will never give any support to the ACS.

Goddamnit, are we that close to a cure that we can drag our heels in the fight against cancer?

From The "No Shit" Files

Yes, You Can Put A Price On Freedom (Or At Least The Paper It's Printed On)

A rare 710 year old copy of the Magna Carta sold for $21.3 million on Tuesday. Considered among the most important historical documents and the basis for both the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, it was valued for less than this shit piece of art. That is seriously fucked up.

The document was bought by a Washington businessman who said he was determined to see it remain in the United States, where it has been on display at the National Archives and Records Administration since 1988. Of note, it is the last remaining copy in the United States as well as the last in private hands.

The Magna Carta established the rights of the English people and curbed the power of the king. The record for a document or manuscript at auction is held by Leonardo da Vinci's "Codex" manuscript, which sold for $30.8 million in 1994.

What Is It With This Family?

Add another trailer park banjo playing hillbilly retard to the Spears clan!

No, you're wrong, Brit Brit didn't drop the ding dongs and actually get her fat hands around some fella's dong, it's sister Jamie Lynn who's got the good fortune!

Did I mention that Jaime Lynn is 16?

According to reports, she is 12-weeks pregnant and that the father is her 19 year old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. Well done! We ought to congratulate Lynne Spears on the fine job she's done raising her girls. That, or sterilize the entire bloodline. I'm for that.

Hags Of The Holidays

Madam Stacey of WIMB brought this cheerful nugget of compassion to light, featuring two of my favorite emaciated humanitarians.

Taking the United Nation's FEED program to yet-unobtained heights, Marcia Cross and Terri Hatcher are giving the starving children of Africa all the Godiva chocolate, pop CDs, and fancy liquor they could ever want. Really, can you send proper irrigation and medical assistance in a gift bag? Not according to them, and you know they've been to some pretty swank events with killer gift bags!

Nothing makes the holidays less important than a couple of harpies making themselves feed better by giving away their cast-off swag. Maybe some lucky village kid will get an autographed cast photo to really make the uselessness hit it's peak.

It Really Seemed Like True Love

Just because the headlines screamed divorce and then retracted it with a lame reconciliation tale, don't think the marriage isn't done.

Unlike Brangelina and Tomkat, the superstar (?) pairing of Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon, aka Prick, seems to have lost it's magic. After filing divorce papers Friday, Anderson recanted the decision and the divorce is off...for now. Oh, it's coming, and the Prick we all love and adore will be no longer, but until then, we should cherish their decision to reconcile. No Prick during the holidays would suck. Of course, I doubt will be ushering in 2008 with Prick, but I was skeptical we'd get this much Prick anyhow.

I will take any and all bets against a hardy, strong Prick lasting through Valentines Day. And let's hope there isn't a long, protracted legal battle. When a couple comes together with their own herpes, why scuffle over the herpes that occurred during the marriage?