Did You See It?

Watching the Pre-Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Broadway Dancetacular last week, something occurred to me. If you take the amount of musical theatre performers in the US, multiply it by their salary, add that to whatever production costs that are involved, and divide that by the total number of Gays and Old People in the US, the numbers just don’t work out. Musical theatre, like parades with giant balloons, are absurd American traditions. In line with this idea, these were some of the more absurd moments and thoughts from the most recent Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. And yes, some of them involve dancing.

The Ronald McDonald Balloon. It takes 58 handlers to run. That’s amazing, because it only takes two blazed teenagers and an immigrant to run a McDonalds store.

The performance by Andy Williams. He only required 17 handlers with strings, 16 Vicodin, 18 Aderall, and a syringe of human growth hormone to keep him afloat.

James Taylor. He was dressed like a German law professor playing America the Beautiful from an Ocean Spray float, surrounded by giant woodland creatures.

The All Star Baton Twirlers. They are the BEST baton twirlers in the world. Right after the 3 million people in China that are WAY better than them.

Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter singing. How did she come out of his nuts?

The Polynesian Dance Squad. In 1821 we invaded Hawaii. It was the first sovereign country the US conquered. Now they’re dancing for their lunch in front of our department stores in the cold.

The “Dora the bilingual Latina adventurer” balloon. Where I’m from that’s called a Mexican street kid. Would have been WAY better if she was selling Chiclets and picking pockets of other balloons.

Sesame Street was allowed off the reservation. Sort of. It was more like a giant multicultural Pope Mobile for Bert and Ernie.

The Planters Peanut Man driving the Nut Mobile. We were given the accompanying fact that Americans consume more than 600 million pounds of nuts per year. Ironically, the Nut Mobile is shaped like a penis.

The Official Macy’s classic river boat float. It had an add for Good Housekeeping Magazine, which is celebrating its 100th Anniversary. Most girls I know cant figure out how to boil water, much less keep a good house. With a magazine closing shop every 13 seconds, I’m not sure how this one is still alive.

Trace Adkins and his family on the Jimmy Dean Sausage float. They were dressed for the Funeral of Jesse James, who was assassinated by the coward Robert Ford.

The United States Postal Service float. It has a gigantic Golden Eagle. It looks like Hitler got a hold of our mail system.

The Delta Airlines float. It had a giant, cross-eyed Lady Liberty that looks like Julia Louis Dreyfus.

The stockbrokers dance squad. They marched all the way to the Triboro bridge and only to dive off into an oblivion where there are no failed hedgefunds and no tanking S&P 500’s but only rainbows and unicorns and Brooks Brothers and blow.

The Build a Bear float. It’s a giant ad for a store that is training children to become genetic engineers so that we can build subsequent versions of the Jonas Brothers.

The “Hootie now sings country music” float. I looks like it was for Gibson guitars. Wait, Hootie is still alive?

The float where Kermit sang about how he actually believes in Santa Claus. What? Kermit, bro, I hate to break it to you, but that there is no Santa. Crazy talking frog.

The final Santa Claus float. It takes the rear of the parade. Post-Barak Obama election racial healing my ass. Santa Claus is still a fat white cracker.

Really?

The folks at the in-flight magazine Skymall know they have readers with a few extra pounds, especially those needing two seats and a seat belt extender to buckle up for take-off. But they don't judge.

Instead, they've found a way to give the old pants some new life. The Waistband Stretcher is the perfect post-Thanksgiving gift for horrible people. Its hard plastic construction will let you add one to five inches to the waistband of any garment that's made of cotton. You just wet the pants' waist, crank the Stretcher to the desired size and let it dry. At only $30, the gadget is much cheaper than a new wardrobe or that gym membership you'll never use anyway. Of course, it's also a sign you've pretty much given up. And you're pathetic.

His Idle Boldness

Because the His Words-Not Mine book title made H.R.M. Idle Eyes The See-Thru think of this. And I could see it in a couple of places if the book was visualized as a film. Plus Kubrick's 2001 doesn't hurt either to run with it...

Fallen Pixels

Early yesterday morning, Sumner Redstone, the controlling owner of Midway Games Inc. with 87% of the shares, sold every last one of them. And cheap.

A sole private investor known only as "Mark Thomas" purchased the shares of the company for a paltry $100,000. This equates to 12 cents a share, or a measely 0.3% of the morning's starting price at the already low 38 cents. For Redstone, this is a loss on top of a loss, as the 38 cents a share already showed a significant loss on his investment.

Mark Thomas doesn't just get the beleaguered company, however. According to the Wall Street Journal, he also assumes $70 million of "senior secured and unsecured debt." Some of that is backed by banks, some will be his personal debt to pay based on the future success or failure of the company.

Hard to say what the next step is for the company, but it is sad. You may not have been aware but they produced some of the beloved video games of your youth and more recent hits. Yes, Robotron 2084 , Defender, Rampage , Galaga , Mortal Kombat , Tron , Gauntlet, Joust, Spy Hunter - all theirs.

Meme Post Is Not New Meme

The other day I was talking to Herr Docktor about how much interweb I am, which is terrible but true, and I brought up the dreaded 4chan and all the memes and such. I explained to him what it was to FAP, but there are so many more things out there that need explanation. These are some of the more common things on the /b/ and across the interweb (though if you look at enough pages and post, you figure it out).

SAGE - When you enter sage in email field (at chans) your reply wouldn't count or keep the post alive. Sage comes from japan word meaning to lower.

SAGE GOES INTO ALL FIELDS - because when you have one cool word, you just have to use it everywhere.

PedoBear - PedoBear appears in every post pertaining to discussing child pornography (CP) or pictures of lolitas.

successful troll - when you make up a story and they believe you - you are successfull troll.

copypasta - you just copy some story from internet.If they know its copypasta, you are unsuccessful troll.

Bel-Air - When you are trolling (to troll also means to be an asshole with your posting and comments) people, and you have long story, you just need some cool ending, and what can be cooler than the opening song from "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air"? Most copypastas end with “and my mom got scared And said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.”

BARREL ROLL - when you are in trouble, just do a barrel roll. Originated from some Nintendo game. Barrel roll is always the best solution to all problems.

Caturday - (see i can haz cheesburger).

Delicious Cake - from the game Portal. Cake is delicious, you have to solve problem so you can get to it and eat it.

ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT- from Pulp Fiction. Used when somebody makes grammar/spelling mistakes...because you know on internet imageboards you have to spell correctly!

I’D HIT IT! - when you see someone sexy you want to have sex with.

man the harpoons - when you see something not sexy. Can also be used as I’D HIT IT WITH HARPOON/NUKE/ION CANON/….

SAUCE - one time on 4chan, the word source got wordfiltered to sauce. Used when you want to know source of some porn picture. Also you can type sauce more easily with one hand than source, so …

A CAT IS FINE TOO - from a doujin in which the main character, Shiki, is depicted as a pedophile. He chases around Len, with intent to sex her up. He eventually corners her to a point where she can’t escape, so she turns into a cat. She thinks she is safe, but Shiki, who basically just rapes everything, unzips his fly and says ‘A CAT IS FINE TOO…'

divide by zero - its know fact that humans are not able to divide by zero. Well, 4channers are able to divide by zero - and when they do, something bad happens - usually a black hole appears...

goodnight sweet prince - term used mostly to troll people. When you just write name, year of birth - actual year, this meme and include photo, which tends to get people searching the web to acknowledge if the person really died.

over 9000 - from some manga, where were power levels and power level of one person was over nine thousand. Currently, it replaces every huge number - e.g. you wont say it happened in country 5000 miles away - you say it happened in country over nine thousand miles away!

an hero - meme started by Mitchell Henderson who killed himself because he lost his iPod. An means Anti.

TITS OR GTFO - request for girls who put up their pictures, or posters who promise sets of nude photos. As in show us your tits or get the fuck out.

camwhore / attention whore - girls which has been molested by their dads, cant get real boyfriends and they are getting attention because they shows themselves naked on the internet.

stick it to pooper - often used with camwhores when they show tits, the next comment is to stick something in their anus.

timestamp - often used with camwhores. they need to type date on some paper/body part. If they do so, the crowd believes that they are real and not just some repost from a porn page.

One does not simply _____ into Mordor - from Lord Of The Rings, when one is ridiculed many times.

So i herd u liek mudkips - translated into human language : so you love pokemons.

EFG (Epic Fail Guy) - everyone of ‘us’...just stickman with mask from V For Vendetta failing situations.

Profit - originated from the South Park episode with the underwear gnomes. It's any made up things in list, but the end must be ??? and Profit, and nobody knows what ??? stands for.

Thirsty?

Try Powerthirst.

Swiss Miss

The world's most comprehensive legalized heroin program became permanent with overwhelming approval from Swiss voters who simultaneously rejected the decriminalization of marijuana. Well, at least their priorities are straight!

The heroin program, started in 1994, is offered in 23 centers across Switzerland. It has helped eliminate scenes of large groups of drug users shooting up openly in parks that marred Swiss cities in the 1980s and 1990s and is credited with reducing crime and improving the health and daily lives of addicts by allowing them to shoot up in 23 centers across Switzerland.

The nearly 1,300 selected addicts, who have been unhelped by other therapies, visit one of the centers twice a day to receive the carefully measured dose of heroin produced by a government-approved laboratory. Because that's the only way to deal with heroin addicts as far as the Swiss can tell. They keep their paraphernalia in cups labeled with their names and use the equipment and clean needles to inject themselves — four at a time — under the supervision of a nurse, and also receive counseling from psychiatrists and social workers, who must make them just feel terrible about scoring on the government dime.

Their aim is to help the addicts learn how to function in society., but when the flag gives you free smack, it's hard to see how they're going to function other than stoned.

The United States and the U.N. narcotics board have criticized the program as potentially fueling drug abuse, but it has attracted attention from governments as far away as Australia and Canada, which in recent years have started or are considering their own programs modeled on the system. The Netherlands started a smaller program in 2006, and it serves nearly 600 patients. Britain has allowed individual doctors to prescribe heroin since the 1920s, but it has been running trials similar to the Swiss approach in recent years. Belgium, Germany, Spain and Canada have been running trial programs too.

68% of the over two million Swiss voters casting ballots approved making the heroin program permanent. By contrast, around 63.2% of voters voted against the marijuana proposal, which was based on a separate citizens' initiative to decriminalize the consumption of marijuana and growing the plant for personal use. Because marijuana is totally worse for you than heroin. That's a fact.

Health insurance pays for the bulk of the program, which costs $22 million a year. All residents in Switzerland (which has a population of 7.5 million) are required to have health insurance, with the government paying insurance premiums for those who cannot afford it. Which is helpful for junkies who not only can't afford smack, but also fall short of the money to pay for health coverage that creates a program to get them drugs.

Meanwhile, 52% of voters approved an initiative to eliminate the statute of limitations on prosecuting pornographic crimes against children before the age of puberty. So to recap the Swiss opinion by law, child porn and marijuana - bad, heroin - good.

Await Your Fate

A global rise in tobacco use in the next two decades will help heart disease remain one of humanity’s leading killers, while HIV/AIDS deaths will peak in 2012 before making a steady decline. This is according to an update of the World Health Organization’s “Burdens of Disease” report, which measures the current sources of human mortality and looks at how health and safety trends are changing worldwide. The result is that the WHO can tell us not only what is killing us now but also what will – and won’t – be killing us in 2030.

The WHO report updates information on the global burden of disease based on measurements from 2004 and projects how disease will affect the human population through 2030. Perhaps the most significant change it predicts is a global decline in deaths from communicable diseases. HIV/AIDS, the sixth leading cause of death in 2004 worldwide, is expected to peak around 2012 and drop to the number ten position by 2030. Other communicable diseases are expected to decline more quickly; tuberculosis, the seventh leading cause of death in 2004, is expected to plummet to number 23.

The sharp decline in communicable disease death will mean an increased aging population, especially in lower income countries, which means a greater proportion of the global population will die from diseases developed later in life, such as ischemic heart disease and cancers. But changes in global development and behaviors will also contribute to increases in certain causes of death. The WHO indicates that a global increase in tobacco smoking in middle- and low-income countries will bolster deaths from cardiovascular disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and some cancers. And increased transportation development and more crowded roads will help increase deaths from traffic accidents.

Worry more from WHO Burdens of Disease.

Thistle

Making Masturbation Look Terrific

These photos are from a recent bust of a prostitution ring in Chattanooga, TN. I believe this is where the term "I wouldn't fuck her with someone else's dick" comes from. If you have to use a prostitute, that's sad. If you have to use one of these protitutes, just kill yourself. Oh, and two of those lovely ladies are actually men.

Antphrodesiac

China has executed the leader of a bogus scheme for breeding ants to make aphrodisiacs that conned investors out of $439 million. Either the Chinese are stupid as hell or this was the mother of all scams.

The fictitious ant-breeding project that Wang Zhendong fronted features prominently in posters and other government educational materials warning of the risks of pyramid schemes and other investment schemes that sound too good to be true. And his execution pretty much seals the deal on convincing people it's a bad choice

Wang promised investors in the fictitious project returns of up to 60%. The ants were to be used for making liquor, herbal remedies and aphrodisiacs. One investor committed suicide after realizing he had been duped, while many others suffered from depression, which, ironically would have been helped by the product they were duped by. No word on how Wang was executed, but it would have been terrific if he was put on a mound of carnivorous fire ants..

Armed With Stupidity

Over the holiday, Super Bowl "hero" Plaxico Burress "accidentally" shot himself in the right thigh, landing him a night in the hospital.

The New York Giants receiver has also been fined and suspended so far this season. Burress was suspended for a game against Seattle on October 5th and fined $117,500 for missing a team meeting and failing to notify the team of his absence. He said he had a family emergency. He also was fined $45,000 by the NFL for his conduct during an October 19th game against 49ers in which he abused an official and tossed a ball into the stands.

Burress caught the winning pass in the Giants' Super Bowl victory against the New England Patriots, capping a season in which he caught a career-high 12 touchdowns. He was belatedly rewarded, signing a five-year, $35 million contract hours before the season opened in September. The signing came after an unsettling offseason during which Burress was fined $25,000 for refusing to practice during a mandatory minicamp in June. He also missed most of a training camp with a sprained ankle. He insisted the injury — not his contract — kept him off the field.

Despite a lack of practice, Burress started in the opener against Washington and caught 10 passes for 133 yards. The following week, he had five catches for 81 yards and a touchdown in a win over St. Louis. The rest of the season has not been as productive. The most passes he has caught in any game since is four in a loss to Cleveland on Oct. 13, the game following his suspension. Burress has 35 catches for 454 yards and four touchdowns in a season in which he has constantly drawn double coverage. His streak of receptions in 115 consecutive games ended last week in Arizona. He aggravated his hamstring injury during the first series and did not return.

Burress injured a hamstring two weeks ago against the Baltimore Ravens. The Giants said he would not play against the Redskins over the weekend, and was shot less than 12 hours later. By himself. The team said the shooting happened Friday night and he was released from the hospital early Saturday. The team did not say which hospital Burress went to or how badly he was injured. However, a team official said that Burress shot himself in a nightclub, which is always a tender area.

Burress has a concealed weapon permit from the state of Florida that expired in May 2008. It is unclear if the permit was renewed; such a license can be renewed up to six months beyond the expiration date. The states of New York and New Jersey do not recognize permits from Florida, so Burress could be charged in the incident. The NFL also is likely to investigate whether Burress violated its Personal Conduct Policy, which might lead to a suspension. Top of that policy list? Not shooting yourself.

UPDATE: Burress will turn himself in to authorities today and enter a not guilty plea when charged with criminal possession of a weapon.

Melvins + Big Business = Awesome

Earlier this year, the Melvins put out the awesome Nude With Boots. They went on tour. That tour stopped in Los Angeles. The shows got canceled.

The rescheduled dates were over the weekend.

If you have never seen the Melvins live, you can not possibly understand the sheer rock power they possess. Over the years I have seen them many times opening for Tool and Tomahawk, but this was the first time seeing them as the main attraction, and that was driven by the two excellent albums they've done with the members of Big Business who are part of their ever changing line-up. And that commanding stature was nearly too much for the intimate size of the Troubadour.

The night itself was a rotating slate of band members who shared performance duties between opening act (The Men Of) PORN, Big Business, and the Melvins, and the stage, set with mirrored drum kits and amp rigs, was rarely empty.

Before the show, H.R.M. Idle Eyes The See-Thru joined me down the street for a damn tasty meal of Indian food. Apparently, Dale, the PORN / Melvins drummer had the same idea, sitting two tables over - not surprising given the Melvins adoption of the city (I thought Buzz (guitar/vocals) would be at the afternoon Kings game since he was in town and I'd seen him several time last season, but no such luck). With naan and masala in our collective bellies, we sparked over to the Troubadour, which is one of my favorite venues due to it's club size but arena caliber bookings.

When PORN came on stage, it was heralded by sheets of guitar noise. Soon , it was broken by hearty drumbeats, which made way for a second guitarist (? - and I question because there were pedals and it was running through the rig, but the crowd blocked my sight so I never saw the instrument), and the surprise addition of Big Business / Melvins drummer Coady. There was no break from start to finish of their set, which was very experimental, mixing ferocious beats with droning riffs and tempo shift like the songs were being stretched longer or being compressed.

The second set by Big Business was a markedly faster, more aggressive set of songs, and while I was only aware of them as a duo, they had added the guitar of a cat named Toshi who had added those extra "guitar" tones to PORN. Singing and playing bass, Jared made his stage debut of the night lighting the fretboard up with some sick melodies. Overall , their music was pretty hard rockin', but with a punk-grade speed and fury. Not having heard them with guitarist, it added a nice element of minimalist melody when the two axe players were not locked into the main rhythms. It seemed like a shorter set then their predecessors since there were breaks between tunes and not one continuous slab of music, but it was impressive nonetheless as they powered through each song without slowing the pace.

When Buzz, Dale, Jared, and Coady hit the stage together in Melvins configuration, it pushed the comfortable room to it's limits. Melvins music is as thick as cement, and hits you like a cinder block. Standing in a room full of perhaps the ugliest people I've ever seen, I realized that the Melvins is a band that attracts a crowd that is as rough and frightening as it's music. It's got not hot chicks and no cool dudes (save me and H.R.M. Idle Eyes The See-Thru) - it is every head of hair grown out five months past a cut, every scruffy beard, every I-don't-even-try-to-have-a-look-and-it-shows, every doughy, awkward person that straddles the line between creep and dork. And every person was transfixed throughout the 19 song set which ranged from simmering dirges to full-out speed jams and dissonance.

One thing that is striking about the Melvins is that they do not leave one bit of energy behind when they play. There is no way to see them play without hitting every drum as hard as possible or punching chords from their guitars. Their equipment goes to 11. And seeing the current double drum configuration was a must given their no-holds-barred playing style. Visually, they are as strange and curious as their music. Buzz still sports high collared full length tunics and his wild, ever-whitening shock of frizzy hair. Dale could have stepped out of a truck rig and stopped in on his way to a basketball game. Jared has the appearance of a guy in a small northwestern town who woke up and needs to get a 12'er before the football game. And Coady looks tiny compared to his drumkit, like a teenage boy. But as bizarre as they come across, they absolutely fit together like an odd family portrait.

Given the Spinal Tap-like revolving nature of their bassists, it's hard to say how long the Melvins-Big Business merger will stay intact, but I don't know how they are going to improve on what they have going so here's to hoping it is a long lasting venture. Seeing such a huge sounding band in a club setting was pretty clutch, and seeing that sheer power get crammed into that tight a place was like successfully threading a camel though a needle's eye. Impressive. And awesome.

A History of Bad Men/Star Spangled Banner*



Okie From Muskogee

*from the evening prior show, since there have not been many posts from ours

Bottled Paper

The 360 Paper Bottle is a sustainable, conceptual vision of the future. Their press says it is the first totally recyclable paper container made from 100% renewable resources. Versatile in its range of consumer applications and made from food-safe and fully recyclable materials, it decreases energy consumed throughout the product life cycle without sacrificing functionality. It is paper packaging that stands up to all liquid categories.

Postscript: Naming The Experiment

Now that His Words - Not Mine (our first attempt / book) is done, it's time to unveil the name of this thing...

(drumroll)

It's called Halcyon.