2009 NFL All-Criminal Team

NFL players have committed a lot of crimes since Celeb Jihad's 2005’s NFL All-Criminal Team, so the roster is in need of an update. Some of the faces will stay the same, while others will need to be cut to make room for a whole new crop of fresh young thugs. Are you ready for some football…and homicide?

OFFENSE

Michael Vick – QB: Move over Todd Marinovich. Step aside Art Schlichter. Civil cases don’t count Big Ben. There’s a new inmate in town and his name is Ron Mexi… er, Michael Vick. Who better to play QB on the criminal team than Vick? Not only is he a convicted felon, but his brother Marcus is racking up an unprecedented string of arrests that would make Ronnie Dobbs proud. Out of prison and back in the NFL, this Menace II (the Humane) Society is playing back up for Donovan McNabb. But on the All-Criminal Team, Vick is the unquestionable starter, presuming Tony Romo doesn’t murder Jessica Simpson before Week 17. Even if Romo does pull an O.J., something tells us that Vick has still killed more “bitches.”

O.J. Simpson – RB: The Juice is an obvious choice, so we won’t spend much time with his legal qualifications for this team. Double-murder, here’s your jersey. More recently, in a case that even Detective Nordberg could have solved, O.J. got pinched for trying to steal back sports memorabilia in a Las Vegas hotel by breaking into a room and taking it at gunpoint. Now he’s doing a minimum of nine years, so he should have plenty of prison memorabilia to pedal when he gets out.

Lawrence Phillips – RB: Arrested too many times to count, a washout in both the NFL and the CFL, Phillips has finally found a team that will take him. You see, young Lawrence, has “women problems.” He knows more about battery charges than the manufacturers of DieHard and the Energizer bunny combined. He’s beaten every girlfriend he ever had and once punched a woman in the face after she refused to dance with him at a Miami night club. While at Nebraska, in what may be his most famous carry, he was accused of breaking into his ex’s room, dragging her by the hair down three flights of stairs, and jacking her head against a mailbox. This also earns him a spot on the All-Caveman Team.

Plaxico Burress – WR: Sometimes when you try to shoot yourself in the foot you miss and hit your thigh instead. That’s what Plaxico did, and for his crime he’ll be locked up 24 times longer than his manslaughtering counterpart, Donte Stallworth (that’s 2 years for the mathematically challenged among you). Luckily for Plax, the NFL All-Criminal team not only allows players to earn a roster spot while incarcerated, we encourage it. Way to go Plax!

Donte Stallworth – WR: Some wide receivers kill defenses with their speed. Others kill pedestrians with their cars. Donte did both, so he makes the cut on this squad. His punishment for the crime? Thirty days in jail and a lifetime driver’s license suspension. The over/under on time until his next DUI: 3 years. We’re betting the under.

Jerramy Stevens – TE: For whatever reason, tight ends in the NFL don’t commit a lot of crimes. However, one night in 2007, tight end Jerramy Stevens got pulled over and blew a .204 BAC. Then he posed for the above photo to prove that he blew a .204 BAC. He did 12 days, paid a small fine, did a one game suspension and went back to being a law abiding NFL tight end.

Richard Collier – OL: Ordinarily, it takes a lot more than the usual DUI or girlfriend/spouse/baby mama abuse to make this roster. However, Collier sneaks onto the team not for his DUI, but for how he got it. He was found asleep behind the wheel at a McDonald’s drive-thru window. How wasted was he if he passed out before getting his food? I’m lovin’ it! What I’m not lovin’ is the fact that less than a year later he was shot 14 times and was paralyzed from the waist down, ending his NFL career. Still, he’ll always have a starting spot right here on the NFL All-Criminal Team.

Cornell Green – OL: Green was arrested earlier this year for allegedly slamming the mother of his two kids against the wall and, here’s the kicker, hitting her with a mop handle. Slamming a baby mama against a wall is standard fare in the NFL, but add the mop handle beating and you know he must be a Raider.

Nate Newton – OL: Newton was a shoe-in for this team when he got busted in Louisiana with 213 pounds of marijuana after being pulled over for a traffic violation (who breaks traffic laws with a van full of drugs?), but then he made a serious case to become a team captain six weeks later when, while out on bail, he got busted again. This time it was 175 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his car. One thing’s for sure – when it’s fourth and long, we know ol’ Nate is down to ‘go for it’.

Justin Strzelczyk – OL: Aside from only having one vowel in his last name (not counting “y”), Strzelczyk also had only one great defining moment. After a hit-and-run accident in New York, police chased his pickup 40 miles, during which Strzelczyk flipped off troopers and at one point threw a beer bottle at them. In the end, Strzelczyk crashed head on at 90 miles per hour into a tanker truck carrying corrosive acid, leaving an explosive scene police compared to an airplane crash. Strzelczyk didn’t make it out alive, but he did, literally, go down in a ‘blaze of glory’, and you gotta respect that. And for those concerned, the driver of the tanker escaped with only minor injuries.

Barret Robbins – OL: Previously best known for disappearing the night before Oakland’s Super Bowl thrashing in 2003, Robbins trumped that the following year by attacking three police officers who, being armed, shot him twice in the chest. Police reports indicate that even after being shot Robbins continued to attack the officers, which is just the kind of spunk we need on this team. Facing three counts of attempted murder of a police officer, he took a plea bargain. Since then he’s been in and out of jail and rehab, but we feel this team will give him the structure he so desperately needs.

DEFENSE

Ray Lewis – LB: Following a Super Bowl party in 2000, Lewis was arrested on two counts of first-degree murder. The charges were later dropped, and Lewis plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice. Despite this, Lewis did pay out undisclosed amounts to relatives of the victims, which is not something that innocent people tend to do. His image has recovered quite a bit since the incident, but he can’t fool us. Welcome aboard, Ray-Ray.

Lawrence Taylor – LB: L.T. went from cracking heads to crack head in record time. In his now infamous “60 Minutes” interview, Taylor claimed to have spent thousands of dollars a day on narcotics and to have hired prostitutes to go to opponents’ hotel rooms the night before games. He’s had numerous drug related arrests along with a tax evasion charge. Regarding his lifestyle in the late 1990s, Taylor described his home as “like a crack house.” Our kind of player.

Bill Romanowski – LB: Romanowski was indicted by a grand jury in 2000 for allegedly obtaining phentermine, a diet drug with stimulant properties, under false pretenses. He was later acquitted but he is currently linked to the BALCO steroid scandal. He broke the orbital bone of teammate Marcus Williams in practice and effectively ended his career. He’s been fined for numerous violent on-field incidents and spat in the face of wide receiver J.J. Stokes on Monday Night Football. And while it’s not illegal, he’s a total racist.

Alonzo Spellman – DL: Spellman is the only member of this team to have been charged with terrorizing passengers on a commercial flight and forcing an emergency landing. According to investigators, once on the ground Spellman told the pilot “I am about to rip your throat out.” Add to the mix weapons charges, a standoff with police from inside his publicist’s home and the usual DUI and failure to appear charges, and you’ve got a starting D-lineman.

Darrell Russell – DL: A repeat offender of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, Russell actually broke it so many times that he ended up out of football. His weakness? Ecstasy. Perhaps that’s what drove Russell to be charged with 25 felonies as an accomplice stemming from the videotaped rape of a woman by two of his friends. Prosecutors charged that he was the one behind the camera, but later dropped charges due to concern they would not win a jury conviction. Finally, Russell’s substance abuse drove him and a former USC teammate into a fire hydrant and a parked bus ending his run on this earth, but cementing his place on this team for all eternity.

Terry “Tank” Johnson- DE: When your Wikipedia page has a section titled “Legal Troubles,” and it makes up over 75% of the content on your page, you can bet that you’ll have a spot on this roster. Basically, Tank likes guns…a lot. And he hates to register them. But he likes leaving them loaded in homes with children present. He also likes confronting officers of the law, driving while impaired and hiring bodyguards that get murdered. For all of those reasons, Tank makes the cut!

Leonard Little – DE: Ol’ Leonard Little turned 24, worked up a .19 BAC (coincidentally on October 19th) and drove his Lincoln Navigator 100 yards right through a red light and into the car of Susan Gutweiler, mother of two. He did 90 days in jail and took an eight game suspension, then went on with his life (unlike Gutweiler). Did he at least learn his lesson? Nope. In 2004 he got busted again for drunk driving, failing no less than three roadside sobriety tests. However, he somehow beat the rap and was only convicted of a misdemeanor speeding charge. Our kind of player.

Gene Atkins – S: Gene was arrested for firebombing a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not” and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn’t agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a ‘hot shot’ from a Taser gun.

Eugene Robinson – S: On the eve of the Super Bowl and a mere twelve hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award from Athletes in Action, an award honoring high moral character, Robinson was busted for offering an undercover Miami policewoman $40 for oral sex. While his record is otherwise spotless, the sheer publicity this arrest generated warrants a starting spot in our secondary. Plus he’s the only guy that God will allow to do the team prayer.

Adam “Pacman” Jones – CB: The question isn’t what has Pacman done to make it on this team, the question is what hasn’t he done to make the squad? When he goes out to strip clubs (or as he illiterately calls them, “script clubs”) strippers get their heads slammed into the stage and bystanders tend to get murdered. When he drives, he makes sure to be wasted and super high so that when he exceeds the speed limit he knows it won’t be by just a little bit. He has embarrassed himself as a wrestler and a rapper, and has shown no indication of altering his decision making any time soon. We can’t wait to see what the future, as short as it may be, brings for our All-Star Criminal cornerback!

Corey Fuller – CB: One of the few players on this team not arrested for fighting outside a bar, beating, raping or killing a woman or any sort of narcotics charge, Fuller seems out of place on this team. He was however charged with hosting high-stakes card games at his house, which was also the site of a shootout. In that event, an assailant attempted to rob the card game and a shootout ensued in which approximately 20 rounds were fired between Fuller and the man. Although only feelings were hurt in the end, that’s still some Wild West shit. It definitely earns Fuller a spot at cornerback.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Todd Sauerbrun – P: Punters are not exactly known to be the criminal type, but with a DUI to his name, Sauerbrun stands out as the most rebellious of the bunch. And to top it all off, he was also charged with driving with a revoked license, proving this punter is bad to the bone. In a hilarious aside, he has a running feud with the Gramatica family. Martin, Bill and even baby brother Santiago are all players he refuses to share a uniform with. No worries, Todd, unless one of them holds up a Dairy Queen, it’ll be just you and Jeff Reed.

Jeff Reed – K: Reed was cited for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct after throwing a temper tantrum in a convenience store restroom. His crime? He damaged a towel dispenser after finding it empty. Seriously. Then, as if he hadn’t done enough to reaffirm the stereotype that all kickers are pussies, he plead guilty and paid a fine. You gotta fight that shit, man!

THE WARDEN

Jimmy Johnson – Coach: Seeing as how he’s already coached half this team, he’s the obvious choice for the job. Whether you’re looking at his days at the University of Miami or with the Dallas Cowboys, this guy has never met a criminal he wouldn’t put in the starting lineup. While he has never been charged with a crime, he has been known to associate with individuals that could best be described as unsavory.

Come To Krampusnacht!

And if you want to learn more about Krampus, we already covered that a while ago.

Scar Wars

Holiday Hangover Weekend

I've already been down to San Diego and back before the "weekend" has begun, and travel + eating copious amounts of food = exhausting. It's the opening stages of a month long haze that finally breaks with that New Years limbo of a week and a half, before it feels like things are moving along. So, let the season begin...

Best of the week: The statements of a Belgian man believed to be in a coma for 23 years, but recently discovered to be conscious, are poignant, but experts say they may not be his words at all. Read the rest while listening to Metallica's "One".

Rom Houben’s account of his ordeal, repeated in scores of news stories, appears to be delivered with assistance from an aide who helps guide his finger to letters on a flat computer keyboard. Called “facilitated communication,” that technique has been widely discredited, and is not considered scientifically valid.

“If facilitated communication is part of this, and it appears to be, then I don’t trust it,” said Arthur Caplan, director of the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Bioethics. “I’m not saying the whole thing is a hoax, but somebody ought to be checking this in greater detail. Any time facilitated communication of any sort is involved, red flags fly.”

Facilitated communication came to prominence in the late 1970s after an Australian teacher reportedly used it to communicate with 12 children rendered speechless by cerebral palsy and other disorders. Over the next two decades, it gained some adherents in patient and medical communities, but failed to produce consistent results in controlled, scientific settings. Researchers said that facilitators were unconsciously or consciously guiding patients’ hands. Multiple professional organizations, including the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities and the American Academy of Pediatrics, say that facilitated communication is not credible.

Far more credible, however, is emerging research on patients thought to be in vegetative states, but revealed by brain-scanning technology to be at least minimally conscious, and even aware of what is happening around them. These two strains of research have collided in the figure of Houben. In 2006, a full 23 years after a horrific car accident left him paralyzed and apparently unconscious, tests run by the University of Liege’s Coma Science Group showed that Houben’s brain was active, and almost normal. He wasn’t a vegetable, but aware, and trapped silently in the prison of his ruined body.

Houben has since proven able to answer yes-or-no questions with slight movements of his foot. It’s a tremendous accomplishment, and raises the chilling possibility that, as estimated by Coma Science Group leader Steven Laureys in a Monday New York Times story, as many as four in 10 people considered utterly comatose may be misdiagnosed. But the legitimacy of interviews given by Houben and his facilitator to Der Spiegel, and shown on video by the BBC, may not be as certain.

“I believe that he is sentient. They’ve shown that with MRI scans,” said James Randi, a prominent skeptic who during the 1990s investigated the use of facilitated communication for autistic children. But in the video, “You see this woman who’s not only holding his hand, but what she’s doing is directing his fingers and looking directly at the keyboard. She’s pressing down on the keyboard, pressing messages for him. He has nothing to do with it.”

According to Randi, facilitated communication could only be considered credible if the facilitator didn’t look at the keyboard or screen while supporting Houben’s hand, and helped him type messages in response to questions she had not heard, thus ensuring that Houben’s responses are entirely his own. The James Randi Educational Foundation has offered a million-dollar prize to a valid demonstration of facilitated communication, and Randi invited Houben to participate. “Our prize is still there,” he said.

In the Der Spiegel interview, Houben and his facilitator recounted his ordeal. “I would scream, but no sound would come out,” they wrote. “I became the witness to my own suffering, as doctors and nurses tried to speak to me and eventually gave up.” Of the correct diagnosis, they wrote, “I will never forget the day they finally discovered what was wrong — it was my second birth.”

According to Caplan, Houben’s apparent lucidity after spending more than two decades in complete isolation — circumstances known to be psychologically and cognitively damaging — is hard to believe. “You’re going to lie for 23 years in a hospital bed with almost no stimuli, and then sound completely coherent and cogent?” he said. “Something is wrong with that picture. The messages are almost poetic. It sounds too lucid, like someone prepared these things to say. I’m not saying it’s all a fraud, but I want to hear a lot more.” Whatever the final verdict on Houben’s facilitated communication, however, it does not alter the fact of his misdiagnosis. Laureys could not be reached for comment, but said in an Agence France Presse story that “every patient should be tested at least 10 times before they are categorically defined as ‘vegetative.’”

Also: I hate graffiti, so I'm thrilled to see one of these dickbags get busted.

The reputed tagger, who was paid $1,000 to be a featured "guest artist" at a self-described graffiti art store was arrested at the downtown store this weekend after authorities found him carrying spray tips for tagging. Jason Williams (32, and still spraying shit on walls), who was on probation and goes by the name REVOK, was appearing Sunday as the guest of honor at the 33rd Graffiti Art Store, said the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. The store was exhibiting Montana spray paint, a brand used by taggers.

During a later search of Williams' home, deputies found several hundred paint cans, a police badge and a fire extinguisher. They also found a stolen detour sign and digital photos of his graffiti work on his phone. "He's being treated as a celebrity artist when in fact he's breaking the law," said a sheriff's spokesman.

Williams was arrested on suspicion of illegally possessing vandalism tools, a counterfeit Los Angeles Police Department badge, and receiving stolen property. Sheriff's officials said Williams told them that he earns a living selling T-shirts and prints and said he was paid $1,000 to attend the art exhibit. He is being held on $20,000 bail.

Plus: A man was arrested after police said he left his 5-year-old son in a tractor-trailer while he ducked into an Indianapolis strip club to drink. What is worse for that kid - going into the club or sitting in the trailer?

The 39-year-old was arrested at 1:15 a.m. Tuesday (a school night!) on child neglect and public intoxication charges after calling police to report his truck stolen and his child missing. Police said the man was too drunk to remember where he had parked. They found the boy inside watching cartoons on a television inside the cab. The keys were in the ignition, and the doors were unlocked.

Police said the suspect put his son in jeopardy by leaving him exposed in a high crime area. The man was taken to the Marion County jail, where (the best part) his wife picked up him and the child.

And: A man in Taiwan was robbed of more than $2 million in cash that he had just withdrawn from the bank. Because sometimes you need a huge wad on you.

Three masked gunmen robbed the 50-year-old victim in the southern city of Tainan, logging the highest-value robbery in city history with a heist of T$77 million (2.39 million). The gunmen approached the victim, Mr. Tsai, as he drove from the bank to his watch shop nearby. One shot a shop employee in the foot during a scuffle to fight off the gunmen, the agency said. Police are looking for the three men while advising people in the city to be more vigilant.

"We're putting out a notice on public safety, telling citizens that we're ready stand beside them for protection as they use the bank," they said in broken, confusing English. Mostly, they should warn them not to withdraw millions out in cash.

Best picture of the week:

have some smash in the face, lady

Best bonus links:
• Chef Paula Deen Accidentally Hit By Charity Ham - That is pig on pig crime.
• Festival Of Mass Animal Sacrifice Begins In Nepal - If only we could have this festival up on the Sunset Strip. With people.
• The Bloody Bodies Of Polar Bears Rain From The Skies, Because Of You! - Horribly overwrought ad, but on the plus side, it's raining bears!
• Thousands Of Wild Camels Besiege Australian Town - I know there's slang in other parts of the world, but I'd recognize this anywhere. It's the Oz version of the Dinah Shore Classic.

Worst of the week: Highway to Hell.

Toyota plans to replace the gas pedals on 4 million vehicles in the United States because the pedals can get stuck in the floor mats and cause sudden acceleration, a flaw that led to the sixth-largest recall ever in the U.S. Among the cars? The emblem of the self-righteous asshole, the Prius.

Dealers will offer to shorten the length of the gas pedals by three-fourths of an inch beginning in January as a stopgap measure while the company develops replacement pedals. New pedals will be installed by dealers on a rolling basis beginning in April, and some vehicles will get a brake override system as a precaution. The massive recall is the largest in the U.S. for Toyota Motor Corp. The Japanese automaker had earlier told owners to remove the driver's side floor mats to keep the gas pedal from becoming jammed.

Popular vehicles such as the midsize Camry, (somehow) the top-selling car in America, and the best-selling gas-electric hybrid Prius, are among those to be fixed. The recall also includes the Lexus ES350, the vehicle involved a fiery fatal accident in California that focused public attention on the danger. Toyota officials said the floor mats are only sold in the U.S., and the recall would be limited to North America. They would not say how much the repairs would cost, but analysts expected them to be extremely expensive because of the work involved and the manufacturing of new pedals. Toyota also said it would provide newly designed replacement floor mats.

In a separate action, Toyota announced the recall of 110,000 Tundra trucks from the 2000-03 model years to address excessive frame rust. The recall involves 3.8 million vehicles, including the 2007-10 Camry, 2005-10 Avalon, 2004-09 Prius, 2005-10 Tacoma, 2007-10 Tundra, 2007-10 Lexus ES350 and 2006-10 Lexus IS250/350. Toyota also plans to install a brake override system on the Camry, Avalon and Lexus ES350, IS350 and IS250 models. The system will ensure the vehicle will stop if the gas and brakes are applied simultaneously. Toyota plans to make the system standard on new Toyota and Lexus models by the end of 2010.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said 4.26 million vehicles would be covered, including new cars and trucks sold or manufactured since September. The nation's largest cumulative recall occurred in several increments during the past two years and involved 14 million Ford vehicles with faulty cruise-control switches that could cause fires. The largest single recall happened in 1996 involving 7.9 million Ford vehicles that needed new ignition switches.

The Toyota recall came about after a high-speed crash in August involving a 2009 Lexus ES350 that killed a California Highway Patrol officer and three of his family members near San Diego. The Lexus accelerated to more than 120 mph, struck a sport utility vehicle, bounced off an embankment, rolled several times and burst into flames. In a frantic 911 call, a family member said the accelerator was stuck. Investigators determined that a rubber all-weather floor mat found in the wreckage was slightly longer than the mat that belonged in the vehicle, and it could have snared or covered the gas pedal. The government has attributed at least five deaths and two injuries to floor mat-related acceleration in the Toyota vehicles. Regulators have received reports of more than 100 other incidents.

A Massachusetts safety consultant who has investigated the Toyota cases has found more than 2,000 incidents with 16 deaths and 243 injuries potentially tied to gas pedals. Toyota and the government said dealers will shorten the length of the accelerator pedal and in some cases remove foam beneath carpeting to increase space between the pedal and floor. Owners of the ES350, the Camry and the Avalon will get first notification because the vehicles are believed to be at the most risk.

Also: The prostitute at the center of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi's sex scandal claims in a new book that she slept with him on the understanding he would help her set up a countryside inn but she got "nothing" in return. Ahhh, there's nothing better than taking advantage of a whore.

Patrizia D'Addario, whose memoir went on sale, writes she feels betrayed and has been frightened by strange threats, including the ransacking of her home, since she revealed this year that she had taped-recorded her purported bedroom encounter with Berlusconi. The conservative leader has said he has never paid for sex and is the victim of someone seeking to create a scandal. But D'Addario says she gave Berlusconi her body hoping he would help her open a countryside inn in southern Italy. What is he, a proprietor or a government official? In the book she documents how her efforts to open the hotel had been stymied over the years by Italy's bureaucracy.

Veronica Lario, his wife, said last spring she is divorcing Berlusconi for what she called his infatuation with attractive young women.

"(Berlusconi) didn't pay me. It wasn't money he had to give me, he promised me something else," D'Addario writes in the book. "I gave him my body, he (gave me) nothing." Stupid prostitute.

And: A 22-year-old South Los Angeles man who posed as a Vibe magazine photographer is being investigated in connection with at least four sexual assaults of young women, whom he allegedly told he would hire as underwear models, police said.

The crimes began in early October and took place within a one-mile radius of the subway station near 7th Street and Grand Avenue, which is the best place to commit sex crimes. Keith Nichols, a security guard who has lived in (all the hot spots like) Compton, Hawthorne and South Los Angeles, told his victims that they could become models for Vibe. But before they could get hired, Nichols said he had to measure them for "custom-fitted underwear," according to police. Custom fit more than by size?

At least four women submitted to the examination, in which he allegedly used a measuring tape to carry out the ruse. He then touched "their most intimate body parts," and they never got called back about the modeling work. Strangely, that sounds like the events and outcome of most amateur modeling shoots.

Vernon said the women were measured in public areas out of the view of passersby. Nichols touched the women’s bare breasts and groins with his hands but apparently did not take photographs, at least in the cases involving the four victims. In two cases, Nichols met his victims on the light-rail line between Long Beach and Los Angeles. Those two women, in turn, each had a roommate who they referred to Nichols. Damn, they must have not liked those roommates to send them into that trap.

Worst picture of the week:

lookin' good, shitbag

Worst bonus links:
• Baylor's Griner Becomes 7th Woman To Dunk - Wow, the 7th woman to dunk in a college game! Tell me something else no one cares about!
• Adam Lambert Not Sorry For Simulating Oral Sex At AMAs / Adam Lambert: Male Keyboardist Didn't Mind That I Kissed Him / ABC's `Good Morning America' Cancels Lambert - Easy, girl...you're trying way too hard.
• Police: Ky. Census Worker Killed Himself - At least, that's what new polling and data suggests.
• Kangaroo Tries To Drown Dog, Attacks Owner - Nothing worse than a marsupial with a grudge.

Black And Blue Friday At Wal-Mart

Black Friday brought out the rowdy side of Wal-Mart shoppers here in California.

Round 1: Early this morning the Upland location shut down for more than two hours after customers caused a ruckus inside.

Store management called Upland police at 2:44 a.m., asking for assistance in dealing with customers who were “fighting inside”. About 300 people were in the store, which had remained open all night as a security precaution after a Wal-Mart worker on Long Island, N.Y., was trampled to death last year on Black Friday when a surging, impatient crowd rushed the doors after the store opened. But in Upland, employees said, customers began tearing into merchandise that had been shrink-wrapped and were supposed to be opened at 5 a.m.

“This was without a doubt the worst I’ve ever seen it,” said one employee, who said she has worked a dozen Black Fridays. Notice how they're more upset about the event and not a dozen years working at Wal-Mart? “They wouldn’t let people line up,” she added. “They were belligerent. They just bombarded the store.”

Several officers were sent and stood by as shoppers were kicked out and the store closed down. The shoppers were told to line up in the parking lot. Meanwhile, the carts were emptied and all the items returned to the shelves, employees said. But they said that outside, people began “yelling and screaming,” pounding on the glass doors and trying to sneak into the store through the lawn and garden section. Store managers had to be sent outside to try to calm the crowd. What a bunch of fucking animals.

The store had reopened a bit before 6 a.m., allowing customers inside in groups of 30, and “people were proceeding inside in an orderly fashion.” When police officers left at 6:15 a.m., “everyone was behaving themselves,” and no arrests were made, and no injuries were reported. By 9 a.m., the store seemed back to normal, with packed shopping carts and long checkout lines, as the scum of Upland were contented.

Round 2: Restlessness was also spreading to Rancho Cucamonga, as more customers got a bit too feisty. Wal-Mart management there decided to close the store just hours after the Upland location shut its doors. A spokesman for Wal-Mart said the store didn't actually close. Deputies were called at 4:03 a.m. and told that “subjects near the electronics area were fighting.” But “it was all over when we got there,” police said somewhat disappointed. None of the people allegedly involved were found; neither was the person who had reported the supposed scuffle, but the area was a mess. Or is that normally how it looks?

Deputies eventually left without making any arrests, and patrolled the area for a while afterward without any incident. Wal-Mart managers in Rancho Cucamonga declined to comment on the episode, but noted the chain had actually received "very positive feedback" about its Black Friday safety measures. "We had new safety plans in place this year at stores across the country and they were store-specific. There have been a few scuffles, but overall it's been a very safe event with no major issues." Number one on that list of plans? Don't get trampled.

Under The Influence Of Meth

An assload of Dan Meth animation.

Theater With All The Trimings

Is it strange that both The Road and Ninja Assassin came out just in time for Turkey Day? Maybe you just need something opposite of the holiday spirit to help you get through it. IO9 has a thorough list of Thanksgiving counterprogramming of the past 25 years:

1984
Supergirl Really, what idiot sees his buddy blown thirty feet across the parking lot, and then decides to try and attack Supergirl using a switchblade?

1985
Rocky IV The good news is it would inspire you to go get in shape after eating all that turkey and stuffing, thanks to one of the most classic training montages ever.

1986
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home The most fun of the original cast movies, it has the best application of a Vulcan nerve pinch ever.

Solarbabies Post-apocalyptic rollerblading? Together, in a movie? It won't be the last, either.

1988
Cocoon: The Return The best way to deal with Steve Gutenberg on a full stomach.

1989
Back To The Future 2 Marty McFly's mom gets bizarre breast implants and becomes Biff Tannen's bitch. Now that's how you make a sequel.

1990
Predator 2 Just your typical cop drama/alien Predator attack film.

Robot Jox And if Danny Glover and space monsters isn't your bag, how about giant mecha gladiators, fighting it out with chainsaw crotches and other armaments?

1992
The Crying Game Terrorists, thugs, and a little transgender surprise. You probably took your mom to see this one.

1994
Junior Pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger. Giant belly around the holidays remind you of anything. Or anyone?

1995
Casino It's an underrated Scorsese classic, full of brutality and weirdness. Perfect Thanksgiving fare for the whole family.

Nick Of Time Johnny Depp vs. Christopher Walken, overacting in a shopping mall. The only movie with the line, "I'll make you a sauce for that black Irish cocksucker's meat."

1997
Alien Resurrection What would this movie could have been if they'd filmed Joss Whedon's screenplay?

1998
Very Bad Things A sex worker gets killed at a bachelor party — and then things turn ugly. Probably just like your family gatherings.

1999
End Of Days Satan and Thanksgiving - is there enough room on the serving platter?

2000
Unbreakable A horrific act of mass murder brings to light a guy who can find the rapists and creeps in our midst. Family entertainment for sure.

Quills If you need something a little more raw, get an assfull of the Marquis De Sade.

2001
Black Knight Martin Lawrence gets zapped back to the Middle Ages. Unfortunately it was just a movie.

The Devil's Backbone A Guillermo Del Toro classic, and more proof that horror owns Thanksgiving.

2002
Solaris If you watch Steven Soderbergh's trippy remake of Tarkovsky's classic while you're full of tryptophan, you may hallucinate.

Wes Craven Presents: They Yeah, I didn't know this was a movie either, or that was made and released.

2003
Timeline "Your father is in the 14th. century!" Hey, maybe he can hang out with Martin Lawrence.

2006
The Fountain And speaking of trippy movies when you're already suffed with food...and the only one of the season with human sacrifice.

Tenacious D In The Pick Of Destiny Satan returns for the holidays, and this time he'd rather rock than mess with Schwartzenegger.

2007
Hitman A video game adaptation about a guy who kills people and thwarts some vague conspiracy thing. And don't forget to by the game on Black Friday.

The Mist An interesting choice for a family occasion - let's leave it at that.

2008
Transporter 3 Jason Statham, cars, fighting, explosions, stunts, and guns. This one is called Transporter 3.

Twilight Though the sequel came out last week, these sparkling wimps will be gracing us next year and the year after at this time. Just a warning...

2009
The Road This whole movie is as depressing as The Mist's ending. But at least it does have a genuinely pro-family message.

Ninja Assassin The film you'll probably actually be watching. Ninjas! Wachowskis! Out-and-out mayhem!

No Family Reunion For The Holidays

Like many adopted children, Matthew Roberts set about finding his biological parents with a mix of nerves and excitement. He hoped that discovering his father’s identity would help him to work out what made him the man he had become.

Turns out his pop was none other than serial killer Charles Manson. Cheers!

Matthew, was given up for adoption as a baby, said, “I didn’t want to believe it. I was frightened and angry. It’s like finding out that Adolf Hitler is your father. I’m a peaceful person – trapped in the face of a monster.”

Matthew grew up in Rockford, IL, and didn’t know he was adopted until his sister told him when he was ten. He began investigating his family history 12 years ago when he contacted a social services agency who located his mother, Terry, in Wisconsin. He wrote to her straight away and their early exchanges will be familiar to adopted children everywhere. She confirmed she was his mum and told him she had named him Lawrence Alexander – and that she would tell him his last name in time. The jigsaw of his life was beginning to take shape but it was still missing a crucial piece – his father.

Terry remained tight-lipped about his identity but after Matthew pressed her for details in a string of letters, she eventually revealed the awful truth. She said she met commune leader Manson in 1967 – two years before the infamous “Manson Family” murders. Terry had been one of many who were transfixed by Manson’s charms. She found him charismatic and hypnotizing, but her father had tried to chase him away when he met Terry, calling him a “white-trash biker bandit”. Now, they can just call him daddy.

That Turkey's Not Gonna Baste Itself

Now that's good advertising.

See You In June

The Canadian Grand Prix is set to be definitively confirmed on the 2010 F1 World Championship calendar, and my ass is now set to be definitively confirmed to go!

The popular race was removed from the 2009 F1 schedule as the result of an ongoing financial dispute between Bernie Ecclestone’s Formula One Management (FOM) company and then race promoter Grand Prix du Canada, run by Normand Legault. The former’s stipulation for the grand prix to be re-instated was initially a staggering $175 million (CAN) over five years – but now it appears a deal has been hammered out for just $75 million (CAN).

At the end of what has been described as a ‘marathon’ of negotiations bedevilled by obstacles and ultimatums, an agreement has been reached between Ecclestone and the three levels of government involved, with the green light set to be given later this week to confirm the currently provisional June 13 date. The new race promoter will be Octane, directed by Legault’s long-time right-hand man François Dumontier.

The Canadian Grand Prix (known in French as the Grand Prix du Canada), was first held in 1961, and part of the World Championship since 1967. It was first staged at Mosport Park in Bowmanville, Ontario as a sports car event before it alternated between Mosport and Circuit Mont-Tremblant, Quebec after Formula One took over the event. After 1971 safety concerns led to the Grand Prix moving permanently to Mosport. In 1978 the Canadian Grand Prix moved to its current home on Île Notre-Dame in Montreal. In 2005, the Canadian Grand Prix was the most watched Formula One GP in the world. The race was also the third most watched sporting event on the planet, behind the first place Super Bowl XXXIX and the UEFA Champions League Final.

Beyond Thunderdome, Turn Right

The California High Desert is starting to look more like I imagined it.

The Road Warrior Weekend was a recent three-day, post-apocalyptic campground party. There were no stuffy hotels, no lines to pile into meeting rooms, no overpriced convention center lunches. Instead, this one-time-only event brought fans of the Mad Max series out to the barrens for murder and gasoline domination cosplay hedonism.

Scarlett Harlot, who has made a name for herself with appearances at pirate events (you can make a name for yourself that way?), came up with the idea after a night of wine (very un-apocalyptic) and Road Warrior a year-and-a-half ago. "I started thinking you don't want a bunch of people in a hotel or a convention center, it doesn't go with the theme of Mad Max," she explains. "I started thinking, it would be really cool if we could do in the desert with a backdrop similar to the movies."

​The event was held in Soggy Dry Lake, an off-road racing/camping area about twenty minutes or so outside of Apple Valley. Outside of town, you have to follow a two-lane highway with little in the way of street lights and signage. Along the side of the road are a few scattered trailers (meth labs), an occasional farmhouse and clusters of mailboxes. The 247 highway grows progressively more desolate the further you drive and once you reach the turnoff for Soggy Dry Lake, there is nothing but dirt road, rocks and a smattering of desert fauna. Visually, it's about as close as you can get to the wasteland while still being less than two hours away from Los Angeles, which is also a wasteland of sorts.

95.7 FM was the designated radio station for the event and featured blocks of Australian-made music (lots of AC/DC, Midnight Oil and INXS) and was a beacon growing clearer as scavengers approached the site. The Road Warrior campground was marked by a burnt-out, upside down truck guarded by a guy in punked-out leather, naturally.

The awesome Vernon Wells (Wez) and Virginia Hey (Warrior Woman) were on hand to answer fan questions and sign autographs. Inside Bartertown, attendees could check out themed merchandise and pick up odds-and-ends for their campsites. Meanwhile, MFP cars raced around the grounds and crowds chanted "Two men enter, one man leaves" as mock battles took place in a makeshift Thunderdome, which is similar to my exploits when I trick women into my tent. There was even a gyrocopter which flew through the desert sky and swooped down to the center of the Wasteland. ​Road Warrior Weekend wasn't strictly a convention. Drawing elements from Burning Man and longstanding desert party culture, DJs played throughout the day, and there were parties through the night.

No word if there will be another gathering in the future, but you can always roll around in pig shit if you want to recreate the Master Blaster scene.

Keep It Goin' Louder

You Live Where?

A Strange Maps review of The Atlas of True Names:

Travellers, discoverers and cartographers have named the world around us so that we might find our way in it. The purpose of a place name, therefore, is to be as distinguishing as possible. But there is another, opposite force at work in toponymy: geographical and other similarities often lead to different places receiving similar names — even if these names are then modified by differences in language.The English city of Oxford and the Dutch city of Coevoorden (*) were named after river segments shallow enough to facilitate bovine transport.

This phenomenon becomes apparent when one digs up the ‘deep etymology’ of place names, as is done in The Atlas of True Names. The Atlas substitutes the original meanings of the world’s place names for the better-known, ossified toponyms. The authors of the Atlas, German cartographers Stephan Hormes and Silke Preust, have said their clever technique was inspired by the place names in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, some (but not all) of which are indeed quite direct. (‘Mount Doom’ is grimly descriptive, but a name like ‘Lothlorien’ means diddly squat — unless you speak Elvish, of course).

The Atlas was first published in German as Der Atlas der wahren Namen, and in that version all the original etymologies are of course rendered in German. If like most people you are at least mildly conditioned by movies, literature and other media dealing with World War II to associate the German language with fascism, this ‘germanified’ version of the world is a bit disconcerting. London, for example, transmogrifies into ‘Hügelfest’, and nearby Norfolk is still recognisable but considerably more ominous as ‘Nordvolk’. Ethiopia becomes ‘Land der Brandgesichter’ and its capital Addis Abeba ‘Neue Blume’.

The more recently published English version of the Atlas presents us with an equally disorienting and sometimes revealing array of ‘original’ place names. Across the Irish Sea (or ‘West Land Sea’) from Blackpool lies another ‘Blackpool’, more commonly referred to as Dublin. ‘Trading Folks’ is none other than the Canadian capital of Ottawa. The British port of Plymouth is literally ‘Mouth of the Plum’, Brussels is ‘Marsh Cell’, and London’s ‘Hügelfest’ translates as ‘Hillfort’. Nicaragua is ‘Here are people’ and Newfoundland… remains ‘Newfoundland’, one of remarkably few place names with an etymology recent enough for us to take the toponym literally.

But etymology is not an exact science, and some derivations are too funny or elegant to be true. Consequently, some of the etymologies used by Hormes and Preust have been disputed. One example is the word-origin of the Mexican peninsula of Yucatan, which is rendered in the Atlas as “I don’t understand you!” — supposedly uttered by the Maya when addressed by the first Spanish conquistadores (a similar folk etymology traces the origin of the word kangaroo to a miscommunication between aboriginals and British explorers). Other examples abound, but the authors themselves include a caveat lector, stating that they think their work is not scientific, approximately 80% correct and should primarily be seen as an invitation to look at the world through fresh eyes.

Chocri-unique

Starting next year, America gets a taste of chocolate exactly the way they want it. (barely legal and extravagant, all in the name of Jesus?)

The company allows the consumer to make their own variety of customized chocolate, with over 90 toppings to choose from. This is similar to the NIKE ID project and a Chicago company that makes custom energy bars (with the option to design unique packaging), but leave it to the Germans to use those precision brains of theirs to find the best product application. If you want to learn about how chocolate is made, they'll tell you. And you can even throw your two cents in in toppings polls. You won't be surprised that this guy works there.

To absolve themselves of the guilt of making you fat and outsmarting your willpower, they are undertaking some noble pursuits with their business. First, "for the sake of nature but foremost to protect the rights and lives of the cocoa farmers," they use only fair trade chocolate, which is different from, say, rough trade chocolate that is found in West Hollywood. Fair trade means the prices paid to the farmers don't require them to work in bad conditions or to make their children work in order to afford a living. Now that guy from Coldplay can chill out.

Also, they only sell organic chocolate. That doesn't only mean the cocoa used is organic, but also the sugar and all the other ingredients, like the milk in milk chocolate. Granted, to be rated organic just requires different criteria to be met, but studies have shown that organic goods are not any more healthy or better for you than other types. Non-organic? In-organic? Un-organic?

And one percentage of their revenues goes directly to the organization DIV Kinder, which supports and protects children on the Ivory Coast. The Ivory Coast is the biggest exporter of cocoa beans on this planet, along with piracy and child slavery. You can not customize those for export or order yet. Customers get a chance to donate a small amount at checkout, just to satisfy their Western civilized decadence.

The invitation-only launch is January 5, 2010.

Opera

It's Not Television, It's HBO

If HBO warnings were honest...

Season 2 Chapter 26

We did it! Again!

It's been half a year, but Scartoe and I have completed another run on His Words - Not Mine. The ending to our tale has it's final chapter up now, so everybody who wanted to wait until it was complete to dive in, well, now's the time.

Going West

Time For The Weekend

So, there's this little thing called His Words - Not Mine that has to be finished this weekend, because the last chapter falls upon me, and if I'm gonna make sure it gets done (and done right), there's no time to drag my heals. Onward to our review...

Best of the week: Trail Of Legal Tears

The Supreme Court won't hear an appeal from a group of Native Americans who think the name of the NFL's Washington Redskins football team is offensive. So go back to your casino and count your money. And by your I mean the white man's money.

The high court turned away an appeal from Suzan Shown Harjo, ending the latest round in the 17-year court battle between the Redskins and a group of American Indians who want them to change their name.

Harjo and her fellow plaintiffs have been working since 1992 to have the Redskins trademarks declared invalid. They initially won — the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office panel canceled the trademarks in 1999. But U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly overturned the ruling in 2003 in part because the suit was filed decades after the first Redskins trademark was issued in 1967. The U.S. Court of Appeals then sent the case back to Kollar-Kotelly, noting that the youngest of the plaintiffs was only 1 year old in 1967 and therefore could not have taken legal action at the time.

But Kollar-Kotelly rejected that argument, saying the youngest plaintiff turned 18 in 1984 and therefore "waited almost eight years" after coming of age to join the lawsuit. The Court of Appeals upheld that decision in May, and the Supreme Court now has refused to review that decision.

This doesn't end the legal battle, however. The plaintiffs have a backup plan: A group of six American Indians ranging in age from 18 to 24 filed essentially the same claim two years ago, but the new case has been on hold until this one was resolved. None of the judges has commented on whether the Redskins name is offensive or racist, instead holding in favor of the football team on legal technicalities.

What say you, Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams? Oh, never mind.

Also: Meet Brooke Phillips (21), who appeared in the HBO series 'Cat House' which featured her working at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. She appeared on the show under the name Hayden Brooks, and here's her professionally crafted bio:

I am a sultry twenty one year old that weighs 115 pounds and is 5'5". My name is Hayden Brooks and I will captivate you with my seductive blue eyes and dark brown hair. I am a new to the Bunny Ranch, but not new to the industry of pleasure and memorable experiences! I was raised in a city called Moore, Oklahoma just outside of Oklahoma City. It was in the surrounding lakes that I learned to wake board and jet ski and love it still! I am also a big fan of boxing and used to box in Oklahoma. I can land a pretty mean right hook, but only if you want me to.

Often times you can find me reading anything science fiction as I like to read books about werewolves and vampires. I am currently taking a break from my college studies, but will soon attain my Bachelor's in History. Prior to my history studies I acquired a certified nurse's assistant license. A relaxing evening with a nice meal and movies are always great. Sushi and steak are my two favorite meals, but don't ask me to pick a favorite movie because I have way too many! I know how to lay low, but definitely know how to add some spice to the night.

Music is another favorite of mine. I danced for over three years because I loved music so much! I can definitely entertain you with many moves on the pole that you have never seen before nor knew were possible. Let me fulfill all your desires; email me today to set up an appointment.

Don't fall in love yet, because she's dead. It's a shame when a piece of ass dies, but when it's a prostitute and reality show personality, I have mixed feelings. Phillips had been shot and was found in a house in Oklahoma City which had been set fire to. Three other people also died.

Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof said: "She was a sweet, nice girl, who tended to date the wrong guys. She had a lot of energy and was a lot of fun. Translation: She earned a lot of money because she would fuck all night long, and I appreciate her for that, but not enough to have tried to keep her from dating scumbags that might murder her. He added, "Hundreds of girls here are just mourning. They are very upset. It's devastating to the Bunny Ranch." Yes, if prostitutes can't live safe, murder free lives, who can?

Phillips left the legal brothel two months ago because she was pregnant, and that's no place to have a baby! "At this time, we have no suspects identified in the case," said Oklahoma City Police. Of course they don't. This isn't an out of the ordinary case, where people are shot and then burned. It probably happens all the time, and there's any number of factors as to why it occurred. I just glad it wasn't this other Brooke, Brooke Taylor. The other one is cute and all, but I like brunettes and redheads above blondes.

And: Seems as though you can get plenty of use out of other things than the animal itself...

A new plant that converts cow dung into energy for homes was recently opened in the northern part of the Netherlands. And don't dismiss it just because they have legalized marijuana. Manure from cows at a nearby dairy farm will be fermented along with grass and food industry residues, and the bio gas released during the process will be used as fuel for the thermal plant's gas turbines. The heat generated will be distributed to around 1,100 homes nearby. Firms in Europe and elsewhere have been investing in bio gas plants and this is the second of its scale running on cow manure in the Netherlands. It follows another plant that was opened in the beginning of the year.

Best picture of the week:

Classy and deadly

Best bonus links:
• Woman Awarded $3M In Assault Claim Against KBR - Congrats, but what about the rest of us who've be raped by these Haliburton subsidiaries
• TLC- 'Kate Plus 8' No Longer 'In Production' - The nightmare is almost over.
• Belgian Robbers Score $3M Worth Of iPhone - Any time you have a heist where they robbers jack something for a large haul, they deserve to keep it.
• Officers Raid Alleged Pot Operation 25 Feet From LAPD Station - Not smart enough to pull a big caper, and not even smart enough to grew weed and not get caught.
• End Of An Era: Oprah Ending Show After 25 Years - Better start reinforcing those cabinets and cupboards...she's be running free and hungry soon.

Worst of the week: Mercedes has taken over and purchased 2009 F1 constructors champ Brawn GP, sending several half-written storylines to their completion. Brawn's success coming out of the 2008 demise of the Honda squad is sport story gold, but if there is to be another victory next year, it will be under the Mercedes Grand Prix name. Ross Brawn will remain as the team principle.

To facilitate the move, Mercedes sold their 40% stake in the McLaren team, but will still supply them engines until at least the end of 2015. The takeover deal gives Mercedes a majority shareholding in Brawn along with Abu Dhabi investment company Aabar, who bought a 9.1% stake in Mercedes parent Daimler last March. The two combined will own 75.1% of Brawn, with Daimler holding 45.1%. No other financial details were given. Mercedes last ran their own Formula One team in 1955. The carmaker pulled out of the sport that year after one of their cars crashed at the Le Mans 24 Hours sportscar race, killing at least 82 spectators. The company returned to motor racing in 1988 and Formula One in 1993 as engine partners to the Swiss Sauber team.

Brawn Mercedes GP, who already swapped veteran Rubens Barrichello with Williams for Nico Rosberg, is poised to take Nick Heidfeld from the disbanding BMW team, creating a German super team. So where does that leave 2009 champ Jenson in all this? Sharing a garage with compatriot and prior world champ Lewis Hamilton, forming a British super team. The deal marks the first time in Formula One history that a team has started the new season with a line-up featuring the most recent two successive world champions. It is also the first pairing of two British world champions since Graham Hill partnered Jim Clark at Lotus in 1968.

Talks had stalled with Mercedes Brawn GP as Button hoped to come closer to his previous salary, having taken a drastic cut in 2009 to help the virgin team. With the title, he'd hoped to stay and reclaim (rightfully so!) his salary, but it is unclear if penny pinching or the impending Mercedes deal (which should be attributed in some part to Button's success this year) was driving Brawn to lowball him. His visit to the McLaren factory and the Mercedes / Heidfeld rumors last week was high indication that Button would leave, culminating in a three year deal. Hamilton, who has been endeared to McLaren and developed for nearly a decade before driving for them, is still the top dog there, even though Button arrives with the crown and team principal Martin Whitmarsh says there will not be any favoritism. You can ask former teammate and double-champ Fernando Alonso about his thoughts on that...

So where does that leave Kimi Raikkonen? He will take a year off from Formula One, which displeases me greatly. A Hamilton / Raikkonen squad would have been a badass match up with the Ferrari and Red Bull teams, both sporting solid pairs of drivers.

"The alternatives at F1 level for next season were McLaren or nothing. Kimi and McLaren did not reach an agreement, so he will not drive at F1 level at least during next year," his agent Steve Robertson said.

Raikkonen, who spent five years at McLaren before joining Ferrari at the end of 2006 to claim the 2007 championship, was replaced Alonso, who now clearly apprears to be following him around. The more recent situation with his payout and ousting from Ferrari cast doubt on his F1 future, fueled by his recent comments that any contract he signs must allow him to continue his rally racing activities.

"Kimi still lives and breathes the ambition to drive. A year off in that sense does not mean anything," said Robertson - except my favorite guy isn't going to be on the grid! "If I do decide to stay in Formula One, I wouldn't go to any of the small teams where I would not have the chance to fight for the championship," Raikkonen said in October. "Otherwise there is no reason to be in Formula One. I achieved what I wanted."

Runner-up Red Bull have Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber under contract while Brawn were never likely to meet his salary demands, leaving McLaren the only viable option. There would be an opening at Red Bull at the end of next year when Webber's contract runs out, and pairing with Vettel would be sweet. Toyota, who had made Raikkonen an offer, have since quit F1. Fortunately, other champions have taken years out in the past and come back strongly, notably Alain Prost who fell out with Ferrari in 1991 and sat out 1992 before returning to win the title with Williams in 1993. Niki Lauda retired in 1979 before coming back in 1982, winning his third championship with McLaren in 1984.

And: NBA superstar LeBron James is still high on crusades. Last week it was Michael Jordan, this week it's the Cleveland Browns. When asked about the 1-7 Browns, who are (technically speaking) his hometown team, James wasn’t necessarily upset upset about coach Eric Mangini or the direction of the team. He just wishes that he could help. “If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to the game of football, I could be really good, no matter what team I was on.”

The fucking balls on this guy! And the Browns are so bad, they're actually playing this nonsense up! "I think he should come on down," Mangini said, smiling. "I know he's pretty busy right now, but if he wants to give it a shot, the guy is gifted. He's competitive and tough. I'm sure whatever he applied himself to, he'd probably be good in baseball or soccer or swimming." Yeah, look out Michael Phelps and David Beckham, LeBron is comin' at 'cha!

James was an All-State wide receiver in high school, but to Mangini, he's a welcome distraction from his team's poor play, calling James "a freak athletically". He also said the 6-foot-8, 260-pounder could be dangerous at tight end, wide receiver or even outside linebacker, but stopped short of offering to toss James' salad. Quarterback Brady Quinn got in on the mental jerk-off. "That'd be great," Quinn said. "Tell him to suit up and let us know, we'll get him working. Obviously he's an incredibly talented athlete. If he wants to try to play a little bit now, we'd be more than willing to pick him up."

Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers and smartest man in Cleveland isn't convinced James, could step into the NFL and be able to handle the pounding. "I heard that comment," Rogers said. "I have mixed emotions about that. A great athlete? Yes. A football player? No." Rogers looked into TV cameras for the next part of the interview. "Yeah LeBron, I said it," he said. "It's a punishing game. I just don't think you can step off the basketball court after not going through this year in and year out and just play football. From that standpoint, I just don't think it's possible. You have to weather and condition your body to take this punishment."

But you know what? Go ahead and try. You'll make Michael Jordan's baseball career look like Cooperstown material. Here's to hoping they break your jaw before they dislocate your knees, just so we don't have to hear you run your mouth.

Worst picture of the week:

I don't care how many fashion magazines Chloë Sevigny gets herself in, she clearly knows nothing about clothing.

Worst bonus links:
• GM's $1.2 Billion Loss A Step In The Right Direction - I don't know in what world this would be true, but since I can't find any others, somehow it must be ours.
• Adam Lambert- I Don't Want to Be a Gay Poster Child - Then stop acting like one.
• Too Emotional Rachelle Lefevre Skips New Moon Premiere - Getting fired and replaced from an acting gig will do that to you.
• Amazing Race's Gary and Matt: "We Don't Feel Like We Lost" - However, you did, so stop lying to yourself.
• Report: 20-Somethings Can Go 2 Years Between Paps / New Advice: Skip Mammograms In 40s, Start At 50 - And while you're taking this bad info to heart, don't get regular doctor and denal appointments either. Western medicine is for suckers!