Staying Busy For The Weekend

End of week, end of month, end of days. Busy busy busy. And the same goes for Sabado / Domingo. Getty, yup...got my hands full!

Happy Birthday See-Thru

Still young and spry! Much love brother!

Whyspace?

Having been the MAGNAband friend lackey lately, I've encountered the worst that Myspace has to offer -- the bulletin.

I purposely stayed away from Myspacing and stuck to the semi-anonymous blogosphere because whatever self important incoherent idiocy that needed to be shared with the public should be solicited, or at the very least useful. Peep some of the garbage from MAGNA's inbox:

I've seen more interesting and intelligent stuff written in boogers on a bathroom stall. I swear I dropped 30 IQ points after reading those. That's exactly what needs to be blindly sent to thousands of people -- cries for attention and insignificant ramblings. Harder to believe than me wasting time to read these ejaculates of babble is that they actually wrote them. How much did Rupert Murdoch pay again for Myspace?

Smirky McUnfunny

The intelligently irritable folks at Pajiba brought up an interview from the Howard Stern Show where it appears that Jimmy "I Crack Myself Up In Every Sketch I'm In" Fallon is being held on contract to potentially fill the Conan O'Brien footwear when Leno vacates his Tonight Show position. While no assurances are being made, the point of the contract is to keep Fallon from working for anybody else. A holding contract is an awesome thing to have, but is this really to keep Fallon from going to a competitor, or just a public service to keep him from working period. If the latter is the case, I'll chip in $5.

"...if NBC gives Fallon a late-night show, the network very well may be giving you cancer," quoth Pajiba, and they're right.

Anybody subjected to the torture of Taxi and Fever Pitch? I rest my case.

PS. In case you didn't know, the SNL overrated mantle has been passed to Andy Samberg, who sucks Fallon level hard. Yes, "Lazy Sunday" is goddamn stupid as hell -- the only redeeming thing he ever did was "Dick In A Box", and Timberlake makes that thing work.

The Spice Must Flow

I heard on the radio this morning that the Spice Girls are getting back together after a multi-year hiatus. Now that many of the Girls are actually moms (and all in their 30s), and most of the youngsters who listened to the pop group wouldn't be caught dead with their tracks on an iPod, why are they getting back together?

Simple. Because evil never dies.

What more proof do you need?

iFever

On the eve of the iPhone launch, WIRED has a couple of hints how to try and get out of your contract if you're with another carrier.

Pawn it off
Don’t want your contract anymore? Find someone who does. Websites like Celltradeusa.com specialize in connecting thousands of people together for the express purpose of transferring the financial responsibilities of cell contracts from one person to another. As long as the recipient meets the minimum qualifications (credit check, etc.) you can transfer the plan over without getting hit with the early termination fee.
Odds of success: 2-to-1

Get out while you still can
If you just signed up for service, you typically have 14 days to drop it -- 30 days with some carriers. A simple call to customer service cancels your plan. All you may have to do is pay a prorated amount for the service you’ve already used.
Odds of success: 3-to-1

Move to the boonies
It's pretty simple to register a change of address with most carriers. Change your address to an area your cell carrier doesn't have service, then call and complain about not getting reception. Contractually, if a service provider can’t offer access in a given area, the contract is null and void.
Odds of success: 5-to-2

Military service
If you’re already in the armed forces, deployment overseas usually means you’re free and clear to end your contract early -- without any financial obligation.
Odds of success: 6-to-1

Read the fine print
The wee print in your bill’s Terms of Service? Read it closely. Providers frequently make small changes to you plan -- an increase in the number of text messages here, a few more night and weekend minutes there. It doesn’t matter if these alterations benefit you -- they automatically void the contract and give you as much as 30 days to get out.
Odds of success: 8-to-3

Demand to see the paperwork
Did you sign a contract in the store? Ask the carrier to come up with a hard copy of this legally binding document. If the provider can’t come up with a physical copy, then you’re free to go. Paper gets lost, you might have forgotten to sign and sales reps are often too busy or lazy to file the paperwork.
Odds of success: 10-to-1

Abuse the system
Cell-phone service providers usually have roaming agreements with other carriers where they don’t offer reception. Roaming areas can often be close, sometimes the next county over. Chances are you have a friend with a house in one of these roaming areas. Check a service map to find out. Then take your phone over on Friday night and as soon your Unlimited Nights and Weekends start, call POPCORN, and leave the phone on. Roaming is usually free to the customer but costs the carrier dough. They’ll practically beg you to leave when you call to cancel the contract.
Odds of success: 20-to-1

Fake your own death
Have a friend or colleague work up a good set of tears and call in on your behalf claiming that you’ve shuffled from this mortal coil. Report something feasible yet horrible, e.g., "He … he was just ripped to shreds by that farm machinery." The contract will be terminated because you are. Note: This is wholly unethical and probably illegal.
Odds of success: 50-to-1

The Maneuver

Interpol is one of those love 'em or hate 'em bands. I tend to like their output, even though there are a couple of songs that are plain derivative of their post-Joy Division style, and the tunes that are good are very much so. Case in point with "The Heinrich Maneuver", the first single off Our Love To Admire, which get released in a few weeks. They tend to make stylish videos, but since there's none yet, here's them playing at the KROQ Weenie Roast.

The Heinrich Maneuver

Also, I love this little nugget from DataWhat from back in Dec '04...makes me laugh every time.

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and
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Stupid Like A Fox

When I first saw the incredibly lame ink on Transformers hottie Megan Fox, I had to punch a schoolchild in the face. Why? Because it was senseless and stupid, just like her decision to put this on her shoulder. But that was just the start...

At the Transformers premiere the other day, she offered up another brilliant work of permanent art -- Marilyn Monroe. Way to go Sailor Megan. But she's not done yet...

Maxim magazine has her showing off more words of wisdom across her rib slab. Wow, you're a poet.

Jesus Christ honey, you're the tastiest chica since Angelina to have more unnecessary and retarded tats...why are you defiling such prime canvas with such shitty ink? Oh, I think I know why...you're dating Brian Austin Green. And you tatted him to your pubis. Classy. And immeasurably stupid

'Roid Wrestling Federation

To everyone who still thinks wrestling is fake, well, it is. But it doesn't mean they're still not trying to inject realism into the sport. Multiple champion and meatcake Chris Benoit smothered and strangled his wife and young son over the weekend before hanging himself in his weight room.

No motive has been established, although steroid use has often been linked to depression, paranoia, and outbursts of rage. Steroid use also increases sex drive, shrinks the testes, causes acne, and in the case of wrestlers, drives them to use turnbuckles, folding chairs, and belts as weapons.

There is no definite connection to steroids in this case, but c'mon...that dude is yoked. Maybe the kid hid his MetRx bars or Mrs. Benoit had a pair of balls she preferred to the Mr.'s (you see, because Benoit is pronounced ben-WAH and that's also a sex toy name -- man you people are stupid sometimes). It's all very tragic though, because Benoit could have done a double reverse suplex off the top rope to end it -- something flashy to suit his showmanship.

No arrangements have been made, but prepare for a pay-per-view steel cage battle royal funeral to be announced soon.

Post Output

Due to my participation in the MAGNA international online friendship drive, mein posts have been a touch more sparce, but don't hate because I love local music.

I Loves 'Em

Herr Doctor knows what I'm talking about. And Rybot witnessed it firsthand.

(click pix to enlarge, you myopic old-timers)

The Limit

There comes a time in everybody's life when you just have to stop. Here's the skinny on age limits.

crank calls : 16 - shouldn't you be IMing instead?

drinking hot chocolate : 41 - it's no longer cute to drink after 40 (but you get a year grace period)

virginity : 22 - it's not precious, and the longer you wait, the more time it will take for you to get good at it

going to dance clubs : 23 - it's time to stop looking to blindly hook up and get attention

riding a skateboard : 21 - if you can order a beer, you shouldn't be rolling up to a bar on a plank (unless you're a pro skater)

starting a band: 28 - doesn't your day job get in the way of couch surfing and living on ramen?

living at home : 25 - when companies will rent you a car, you should rent your own place

listening to the Steve Miller Band : 19 - you're a joker, you're a smoker, you're an idiot

getting piercings : (navel) 19, (tongue) 24, (nipple) 26, (nose) 29 - if you haven't gotten on the trendwagon at that point, don't bother..it passed you by

playing with action figures : 13 - put G.I. Joe away and try and sell him to other nostalgic nerds in 20 years

beer bonging : 22 - because past then, you shouldn't be in college anymore

starting a blog : 33 - your opinion doesn't mean too much now

Las Vegas weekends : 26 - what herpes in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas

wearing your fraternity / sorority sweatshirt : the day you graduate college - because the real world doesn't care which friends you bought

calling radio stations for requests : 14 - you should know they have their playlists done way in advance by now

working a minimum wage job: 23 - either become shift manager or get a career

trying to hook up a 3-way : 27 - never gonna happen after that point, now you're just old and creepy

wearing anything pot adorned : 19 - smoking pot is cool, advertising you do isn't

going to giant festival concerts : 31 - because you were the age of half the audience when _______ put out their first record

Big Plans This Weekend?

Have fun...but seriously, watch it.

I'm Like A Modern Day Encyclopedia Brown

AP Newswire - COLUMBIA, S.C.

Naked couple die from S.C. rooftop fall
Police on Wednesday were investigating how a naked couple fell 50 feet from the roof of a downtown office building to their deaths. The bodies were found on the road by a passing cabdriver around 5 a.m. Wednesday. Clothing was discovered on the roof, leading authorities to suspect the man and woman, in their early 20s, may have been having sex. Their identities were not released.

"It's too early to rule out anything," Columbia police Sgt. Florence McCants said, but McCants said a preliminary investigation didn't show any sign of foul play.

How? I'll tell you how:

Gravity.

Fuck, are police that stupid these days?

LA-rotic

Tomorrow begins the largest concentration of leg spreading, man-guzzling whores and crotch apparatuses outside the AVN awards. I'm talking about the Erotic LA convention, and it's back for three days of raunchy show-and-tell.

I went to the 2004 show by proxy for my pervette co-worker Killer, who was laid up in the hospital, and had a good time. The price of admission was just $10 if you showed up with a gay porno mag -- a bargain! I was already satisfied when I had pictures taken with Max Hardcore, who is currently under investigation for obscenity charges, but the topper was a last minute photo with diminutive slut Gauge, who was kind enough to sign a poster for Herr Doctor in absentia. He says that was the best Christmas gift ever.

This year I'm thinking about going but I'm not totally sure...the price for a day is up to $35, and seeing as how I cry myself to sleep at night face down in my pillow and make love to myself, I can't say there's a reason pick up the latest toys or goodies. But there will be porn stars, and lots of them, and God knows I I love these emotionally dead sexual deviants. Jenna Jameson, Belladonna, and Tera Patrick are just a few who will autograph a picture of their asshole or pose for a photo. If I do end up going, expect a full report and perhaps even some pictures. And if any of you are going, let me know and that may force my hand to show up.

A Good Old Fashioned Raging Mob

It's a fact the the Muslim world thinks the Evil Empire is trying to change their way of life and culture. But is this a properly directed fear? Why, just two days ago, we had our own crazy, violent mob killing someone publicly.

Clearly living up to the slogan Don't Mess With Texas, an angry Austin crowd descended upon a driver and his passenger after their car struck a 2 year old boy when pulling into a apartment complex driveway. The child, who suffered minor injuries, was being checked by the driver when the crowd began beating him. His passenger, David Morales, got out to defend the driver from the beatdown and got his own can of whoop-ass.

Accounts vary, putting the number of attackers at anywhere between a half dozen to a more substantiated 20. The driver escaped but Morales was killed on site, and police note that neither guns nor knives were used in the assault, which means they really dished out an old school, Middle Eastern beating. On one hand I'm appalled by the brutality and group lunacy, but at the same time I'm pretty impressed. Such raw violent power, when properly directed, can be a good thing.

But there is a fine line.

One of my favorite stories ever was a few years ago, out of Iran or Iraq or Afghanistan -- the location is not super important, just know it's that lovely, literal eye for an eye part of the world -- where the sentence for a rapist was to be put in a sack and dropped down a cliff...repeatedly...until he died. Awesome! Now that's a deterrent to crime! Of course, women who show their ankles also face being stoned to death in an alley, so as you can see the system still has some kinks to be worked out. This is clearly an idea in it's infancy, but it may still catch on.

Sizing Up The War Effort

With talk of further extending troop tours in the Middle East, and ideas ranging from immediate withdrawal to permanent presence in Iraq, there seems to be no clear time frame or exit strategy for the US to undertake. Even the notion we are winning or losing the war is highly debated. But one thing we can all agree on is that this is one huge dude.

If the insurgents were all this size, I think we'd have no trouble rooting them out. Or setting up a few more NBA teams.

Your Mind, Blown

For anybody who was too much of a pussy to try hard drugs, now you don't need to. However, much of this excellence may be lost on you.

Here's the backstory on it:
From the Naked Rabbit World Power Foundation --
"This piece was commissioned by the experimental sound collage group Negativland for the video compilation, "Our Favorite Things," soon to be released. The track had been cut by Negativland several years before, an audio document of their problems with copyright/trademark issues concerning their "U2" album. Many years and a painful settlement later, they had successfully transformed their experience into even more art, and a little activism besides. This little piece, made on Disney equipment after hours when no one was looking, remains quite popular. San Francisco experimental filmmaker Craig Baldwin has been kind enough to include it in "culture jamming" programs he has organized throughout the US and Europe. Several times has it been used in conferences and on panels about copyright for the legal profession. And it's fun, to boot. The statute of limitations has apparently run out on this piece, and it is now considered perfectly legal. What a relief!"

Planet Hiltron

The cat over at Planet Hiltron has got some Photoshop skills. And a mad-on for celebs.

God Almighty, Evan Unnecessary!

This Friday is the release of the "sequel" to Jim Carrey's 2003 Bruce Almighty.

Why?

Maybe a look at the plot will help:

Newly elected to Congress, Evan leaves Buffalo behind and shepherds his family to suburban northern Virginia. Once there, his life gets turned upside-down when God appears and mysteriously commands him to build an ark because of a flood coming upon the earth. But his befuddled family just can't decide whether Evan is having an extraordinary mid-life crisis or is truly onto something of biblical proportions.

Nope, still not sure why they want to take a movie where a regular guy has the powers of God and follow it up with a movie where God tells a guy to build an ark.

Maybe they just had a new batch of ark and bible jokes ready.

The tagline calls it "A comedy of biblical proportions", which makes me think it's definitely not going to be funny. Even though I've stayed away from the good book, I know it doesn't read like Without Feathers, so unless infanticide, murder, adultery, and war has become funny (although they are a little to me), where's the yuks?

No, not there either. Steve Carell was great on The Daily Show, The Office, and The 40-Year Old Virgin, but steering into PG territory (yes, the movie gets more family friendly than the first one) doesn't bode well. Does it look bad when your principal actor doesn't participate in the follow up? I'm sure everybody in Branson will rush out to see it, but I don't know if we cultured city folk will flock to it -- although we'll know exactly how many we number after the weekend box office, and I suspect very few.

Little Miss Sunshine

Ever go down the tangential road and dwell on the wrong thoughts? Even yours famously tortures himself with stupid and unnecessary things, but whilst the bruised and sullen clouds had the light of day obscured, I found me a ray of sunshine that took all that ugliness away.

These are most soothing and mesmerizing two minutes of film I have seen all year.

I don't even mind that Sandler is in it -- that's how good it is. How did those geniuses in Hollywood know that you could negate Kevin James with a little of this?

Razor Ramon HG

I found something new on Planet Japan -- Razor Ramon Hard Gay.

This is Hard Gay.


Hard Gay is a professional wrestler.

Hard Gay is for the children...

...but also for dads.

Razor Ramon Hard Gay has now entered your world.

The Overrated Index

Because some things are just not as good people say they are.

Sex Pistols
Put out one average album and then die. It wasn't part of the plan, but the legend of the Pistols, and more specifically Sid Vicious grew from the questionable murder of his junkie girlfriend and his overdose shortly afterwards. Although the group was already disbanded by that time, it was the event that made them forever more important than the footnote in rock they would have been. When singer Johnny Rotten asked the audiences, "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" he wasn't joking. One of many bands that Malcolm McLaren would create as manager and svengali, the Sex Pistols were more style than substance. They easily represented the punk aesthetic with angry, anti-establishment rhetoric, but in a genre defined by it's energy and commitment to being abrasive, it didn't matter that they had minimal talent or musicianship (Vicious' bass amp was often very low or even turned off for performances). The Sex Pistols would have fit in perfectly today, as there are many musicians whose notoriety and fame spring from their exploits offstage rather than their contributions on (yes, Pete Doherty, you).


God save whoever thinks this is good

Louis Vuitton
The biggest name in fashion, handbags, and luggage is also the most inflated. Founded over 150 years ago, the brand name has benefited more from celebrity endorsement and advertising than it's own merits. Like any other fashion oriented piece of apparel, it's the brand name that's on it that makes people care what it looks like and it's function, which is a function of status because of the cost. Having an expensive object should (theoretically) make you better (sociologically) because of your ability to own something grossly overpriced, but it's really just the handshake between peers to show they're equal. It's for the same type of people who coo at the thought of some designer's name inside their clothing that, most people wouldn't recognize without forcing it on them -- which defeats that purpose. Ironically only a little over 1% of all goods bearing the famous LV insignia are not counterfeit.


Ladies, let's see you label whores heft this around

Old School
Not since Billy Madison or Tommy Boy has a movie garnered such an unnecessary following from the 18-45 male demographic. Bravo called it the 16th funniest movie ever -- ahead of The Jerk, This Is...Spinal Tap, and Annie Hall...yes, already the worship of this film is ridiculously inflated. Even though Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell succeed with their usual roles, neither is remarkable enough that they elevate the film to such high status. In fact, there's nothing that is so brilliant, groundbreaking, or fresh in the movie that makes Old School exceptional. Against the straight-to-DVD American Pie movies, this is the Citizen Kane of funny flicks, but in a wide field of other well written and acted comedies it doesn't distance itself from the pack. Clearly, the Maxim reading, Budweiser drinking elements of the audience tapped into the excitement of the fantasy of being in your 30's and acting like a retarded college freshman, but fraternity keg parties and oil wrestling is interesting for only as long as the duration of the film.


Sorry, this is what a genius comedy is like

Steve McQueen
The "King Of Cool" was a douchebag. Yep, you heard me correct. Perhaps against the gosh-shucks of Jimmy Stewart or the caricatured John Wayne, McQueen's car and bike enthusiast machismo made him stand out as an anti-hero amongst peers, but his coolness looked more like defiant boredom. Perhaps what defined McQueen as a man's man was his hard character and throwback behavior in light of the softer, more in-touch men of the hippie 60's and disco 70's. The Great Escape and Bullitt, two of his most heavily praised films, are two of the most boring, no thanks to him. What he excelled in was being a prick who's presence was supposed to denote coolness -- something that Clint Eastwood was able to pull off during the same period, because McQueen's cocksureness and stiff ruggedness were more dominant than his ability to be a real anti-hero that was unconcerned by rules and proper behavior.


Again, Clint trumps Steve, bettering the lame car chase from Bullitt

Just Checking

Chris Hansen and I would like to know.

Paternity Weekend

Researchers say that current DNA testing methods are showing that 1-in-25 dads are not truly the father of their children. Now enjoy your weekend...

Pole Position

Strippers are great, right?

Who can hate those sexy, graceful girls who take it off for money because they're dead inside? Not me, or Rybot or Scartoe. Last night we pondered some of the better tunes for ladies to bounce off a pole to and lose their clothing over, which inspired me to throw out some of my personal favorites. I steered clear of cliche fair like Pour Some Sugar On Me and Cherry Pie, and obvious choices, like, oh, every song from Massive Attack. So in no particular order, here's 20 of my top songs for stripping:

01 White Zombie - Thunder Kiss '65
02 Depeche Mode – I Feel You
03 Jimi Hendrix – Spanish Castle Magic
04 Marilyn Manson – The Beautiful People
05 Led Zeppelin – Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
06 Peter Gabriel – Digging In The Dirt
07 Smashing Pumpkins – Ava Adore
08 Motley Crue – Dr. Feelgood
09 INXS – Devil Inside
10 Metallica – Sad But True
11 Nine Inch Nails – Piggy
12 Billy Idol – Eyes Without A Face
13 Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing
14 Deftones – Change (In The House Of Flies)
15 Missy Elliot – Work It
16 Queens Of The Stone Age – Go With The Flow
17 Joan Jett – Do You Wanna Touch
18 Prodigy – Smack My Bitch Up
19 Aphex Twin – Windowlicker
20 Nirvana – Rape Me

Yes, I clearly favor a rockin' strip experience -- none of that R&B, Hip-Hop, Rap shit.

Here's 10 of the worst songs to strip to:

01 They Might Be Giants – Particle Man
02 Harry Nilsson – Without You
03 Tori Amos – Silent All These Years
04 “Weird” Al Yankovic - Fat
05 Billy Joel – Goodnight Saigon
06 CATS Original Broadway Cast - The Rum Tum Tugger
07 Iron Maiden - Aces High
08 Paul McCartney - Freedom
09 Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
10 Neil Young - Ohio

Now here's some gals showing what class acts they are...feel free to experiment with playing your own favorite tracks along with their moves to see if you've found a match!

Damien Is A Good Name For A Boy

The rumor mill is a buzz with the story that the Mr. and Mrs. Bag may have a spawn in the oven.

Bag of bones Nicole Richie and her douchebag boyfriend Joel Madden (of the terrible Good Charlotte) could be the proud parents of the Antichrist. Although debate ensues over the validity of the pregnancy or whether the Dark Lord already exists in the form of one of the Spears-Federline anklebiters, many observers agree that the pregnancy (if real) may be a ploy to avoid jail time. On a side note, I think I may have found an alternative to society performing chemical castrations to sex offenders -- have them witness Richie and Madden and their clumsy, grotesque mating ritual.

Some may recall that Richie faces potential jail time stemming from a DUI arrest earlier this year where she was apprehended parked on the wrong side of the freeway high and with drugs. Seeing how well her whore-pal Paris fended against the penal system, it begins to make sense that the anorexic celebutant may look to avoid the same. Personally, I hope she is pregnant, just so I can start taking wagers on the over / under if the baby will weigh more or less than the mother.

I tried the same pregnancy decoy once too, but Coach Lufkin didn't buy it and still made me do the rope climb in gym class. I had the third best time. Not bad for an expectant mother.

Baseblahs

The Stanley Cup has been won, and the NBA finals wrapped last night, leaving us with the dull sport of baseball for almost two months until the NFL preseason begins. And don't even mention the sad sham that is the WNBA, the 17 month long soccer season, or try to claim NASCAR is a sport.

Man, do I loathe baseball. And really, what the hell is it with every dude growing some version of a hillbilly goatee. The Deliverance banjo is the only thing missing from watching Cooter take a swing at Jethro's fastball.

Inflatable Jesus

I don't know which rules more -- the balloon savior or the kid who possesses him.

911 Is Not A Joke

Los Angeles County and state authorities are investigating the May 9th death of 43 year old Edith Rodriguez at Martin Luther King Jr.-Harbor Hospital. Her death, while attributed to a perforated bowel, was ruled accidental by the county coroner’s office. The controversy and inquest comes after review of two 911 calls, both made from within the hospital emergency room area seeking assistance for Rodriguez. Both Rodriguez's boyfriend and a bystander called requesting help, which 911 declined.

Which is exactly what they should do.

The dispatcher told them to contact a doctor and then said paramedics wouldn’t pick her up because she was already in a hospital, and later told him to contact county police officers at a security desk. During the call, the dispatcher argued with one of the callers over whether there really was an emergency. “I cannot do anything for you for the quality of the hospital," he said.

Absolutely right on the money.

The dispatcher refused to call paramedics and told the woman that she should contact hospital supervisors “and let them know” if they were unhappy. In the midst of it, police did get invoved, and rather than assist as asked, prepared to arrest her for a parole violation.

Awesome.

I 100% side with the 911 procedures in this case. What kind of special treatment do they think she deserves because they have access to a phone and 911? If you need police assistance and you're calling 911 from inside the police station they'd tell you the same thing -- go to the desk and take it up with them. You're already at the prime destination for the help you need, and taking dispatchers and resources away from people who are in need of help to get them to those places. I bet these people would call the corporate number of a restaurant chain to complain while they're there instead of going to the manager to voice their gripe.

911 is not quality control for hospitals.

Can I Interest You In The Sauvignon Belushi?

No, Xanadu On Broadway was not the worst idea you've heard today. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for the Dan Ackroyd Winery.

Construction will begin this fall with a completion target for the 2008 growing season. The winery will feature modern technologies such as solar panels and green-friendly wastewater management systems, and more archaic items, like Dan Ackroyd.

Hopes are high that the winery will draw at least 44,000 visitors a year, and who wouldn't want to spend $14 and up for a bottle of vino and view souvenirs from Dan Ackroyd's career. You know, the one he had up until the last ten or so years.

It's amazing what $11 million and a little star power can accomplish these days. More the $11 million than the star power. Very little star power.

When asked for comment on the project, Ackroyd said, "I never thought that a line of wines would be a possibility." Neither did we Dan, neither did we.

Xanadu II: Broadway Boogaloo

My adoration of the cheesy cult classic Xanadu is once again being dragged into the light. I just found out that some geniuses are producing Xanadu On Broadway. Yep you heard right. In fact, they echoed my sentiments as seen above on their website. I don't think there's any harm in giving it a shot, since Broadway has more to lose than a 27 year old musical, but I have to wonder how much crack was being smoked at that jam session where the idea came up to get the rights and stage the production.

The Spirit Of The Times

Ever since disbanding in 2000, the Smashing Pumpkins have held the distinction as not just one of the biggest acts of that decade, but also arguably the most accomplished and unique band of the era. The Pumpkins hailed from Chicago, and while they were lumped into the alterna-grunge stew, their style and sound were as different and necessary to the overall movement as the Pearl Jam / Nirvana / Soundgarden Seattle sound and the Jane’s Addiction / Red Hot Chili Peppers Los Angeles sound. Over their career, the band moved from psychedelic to neo-goth, all the while infusing a rock esthetic. After a seven year hiatus, the Great Pumpkin himself has resurrected the name and songs of the Smashing ones. Joining Billy Corgan is longtime drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, and together they created Zeitgeist, which drops in a few weeks. Having heard many of the new tracks from their current European tour, it looks (and sounds) like a return to form (and far less dicey a proposition than the anticipation and delivery of the latest Chris Cornell album proved). Here now is a primer to get you ready for Pumpkins 2.0…

Legendary
Siamese Dream
The album that broke the band and made them into stars, it parallels the success of Nirvana’s Nevermind and Pearl Jam’s Ten, which it shortly followed. It also boasts producer Butch Vig, who did Nevermind, although the two albums share little else in common sonically. There are many stories from this period which highlight the dysfunctional and chaotic relationships of the band members. Former couple D’arcy Wretzky and James Iha not only battled each other, but also Corgan’s over-controlling tendencies, which may have sparked the rumor their bass and guitar parts were re-recorded by Corgan.

Yet out of the internal strife and clashes, Siamese Dream captured the best parts of the Smashing Pumpkins, specifically their hard/soft gearbox. One of the tenets of the Pumpkin’s sound was the ability to instantly switch between ear-shattering rock and beautifully soft lush melodies, which they exercised on many of the tracks, like "Today" and "Hummer".

In 1994, I saw them on my local Lollapalooza stop, and I swear to God their set was the loudest thing I’d ever head in my life, before or since – and this was outdoors too. I shit you not, their guitars went to 11, and nothing was more intense than the blasts of distortion clicking on or the vacuum of quiet when they cut back out. You could have landed over the audience and you’d have not even heard it.

“Cherub Rock”


Also listen to: “Soma”, the dreamy mid-album track, and “Geek U.S.A.”, a balls-out rocker that barely lets up to let you catch your breath.


Classic
Gish
Their debut, also produced by Vig, was an uncommon blend of psychedelic rock, metal riffing, and jazzy, muscular drumming. Both Iha and Corgan play some of their best parts together, and D’arcy’s bass lines are also at their most present and distinct. There is an acid-drenched atmosphere about the album, no small part due to an experimentation with LSD during that period, but it gives the music a more fluid and hallucinogenic feel than their alternative contemporaries. What is striking about Gish is the raw energy of the songs regardless of their ferocity or tranquility, and what also makes transitions from the driving "Tristessa" to the bubbling build up and release of "Window Paine" cohesive.

“I Am One”


Also listen to: the shredding guitars over the length of “Bury Me”, one of the most underappreciated songs on the album, and the trippy, droning pace of “Suffer” which was later sampled by Tricky respectfully in his tune “Pumpkin”.

Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness
Widely considered their magnum opus, Mellon Collie was the Pumpkins at their most decadent. Always having been a prolific band (more on that later), the band took a few pages out of the 70’s rock playbook and made a not just concept album, but a double album as well. The two discs, Dawn To Dusk, and Twilight To Starlight would each be solid enough with hits to be released on their own, but together, the set was a juggernaut of rock songs and down tempo ballads meant to conceptually reflect the cycle of life and death

The greatest luxury of the two-disc set was the opportunity it gave the band to experiment with new sounds and styles. Producer Flood gave the album a colder edge than the gritty Vig era albums by adding electronic tones and keyboard elements, but kept it texturally dense. Due to the excessive amount of songs they could include, the band was also able to keep their ideas more focused, and they started to move away from the hard/soft style of their previous records. And while the range was much broader than before, had the band whittled their 28 tunes in half, they may have created the most devastatingly perfect albums of the last 25 years – it’s a tad bloated to reach legendary status.

“Zero”


Also listen to: the lullaby “Into The Arms Of Sleep”, showcasing the unplugged and softer side of the band, “Thru The Eyes Of Ruby”, a mini epic that’s equal parts dreamy and sinister, the simple dirge “To Forgive”, and “Bodies”, a distortion laden rock locomotive.

“Drown”
The Singles soundtrack (as previously praised) was a masterstroke of compiling the best bands of the time. How influential and pervasive were the Smashing Pumpkins? Enough to be included on the Seattle based film’s soundtrack as one of two non-local bands.



Good
Pisces Iscariot
While writing material for albums, Corgan and company churned out vast libraries of songs, many of which, had the Pumpkins been a regular band, would never see the light of day save a rare demo. But the Smashing Pumpkins loaded their singles with b-sides a plenty, and Pisces was the first collection of tunes from the Gish / Siamese Dream era. So tasty and popular were the songs that many were played live around the release of the album.

The biggest surprise was that even their throwaway tracks that they padded the backside of a single with were legitimately first string material. Although the production varies between tunes, the songwriting is strong and the music is compelling. Unlike either of their two releases to date, the songs are less thematically congruent as a whole, but that makes the compellation stand out with more dramatic shifts between the songs.

"Starla"


Also listen to: “Plume”, as close to grunge as the Pumpkins would allow themselves to get, and their version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”, which kicks the crap out of the original.

The Aeroplane Flies High
The second major compellation of b-sides, this was a specially assembled boxed set of the five singles from Mellon Collie, each fairly well loaded with tracks, although extra songs were added for this package. The diversity and depth of the Pumpkins back catalog is once again evident as they cull nearly 30 tracks, ranging from quirky covers (The Cars "You’re All I’ve Got Tonight" and Blondie’s “Dreaming”), to softer fanfare ("…Said Sadly"), to requisite rock songs ("Mouths Of Babes").

“Tribute To Johnny”


Also listen to: “Set The Ray To Jerry”, an upbeat, pop number, and the sparce and numbing "Ugly".

For Fans
Adore
At their peak of success during the Mellon Collie tour, keyboardist Jonathan Melvoin died of a heroin overdose, and drummer Jimmy Chamberlin was arrested for drug possession and subsequently fired from the band. Corgan later said was the worst the band had ever made, damaging both their music and their reputation. Meanwhile the band had decided to move away from the traditional guitar-bass-drums sound of past albums and move into more electronic influenced territory.

Corgan’s dark electro rock contributions to the Ransom soundtrack was an indicator of the new style, which the Pumpkins showed on both the Lost Highway and Batman Forever movie soundtracks, and eventually on Adore. There were far less guitar driven tracks and a definite gloom about the album, as the song arrangements featured more electronic instruments and keyboards. The subsequent tour found the trio taking not just a drummer, but two percussionists along to further deviate from their past sounds. While not a successful release in terms of sales, the band still managed to write a few good tracks in their newly adopted style.

“Tear”


Also listen to: “Ava Adore”, their bouncy electro-rock single, and “Once Upon A Time”, a lovely and introspective melancholy tune.

Machina / The Machines Of God
In a surprise move, Chamberlin rejoined the band before the decade’s end, and the original quartet made what would be their final traditional release. Like Adore before it, this was another shift stylistically, but it moved the band from electronica to a harder, grittier rock sound. Corgan again infused the album with a concept and theme (see more below), but it did little to garner interest in the record. Having left before the completion of recording, D’arcy was replaced by Melissa Auf Der Maur for the subsequent tour.

“The Everlasting Gaze”


Also listen to: “Age Of Innocence”, the closing tune which is strangely similar in it’s style to their older works, and “Stand Inside Your Love”, the darkly romantic third track.

Garbage
Machina II / Friends And Enemies Of Modern Music
The second set of tunes for the Machina sessions yielded this internet only release meant as a snub to former record label Virgin. Unsatisfied with the prior two albums, the label had initially declined to release what Corgan was calling the conclusion of his intended Machina double album. It had the same raw energy as it’s earlier namesake, but had a more lo-fi sound, perhaps in part to the distribution limited to 25 albums, which were then uploaded from the hand cut vinyl.

“Cash Car Star”

Four Of A Kind?

John Stewart, Tom Cavanagh, Zach Braff, Jay Baruchel. Somebody with some science credentials back me up that they share DNA and may in fact be clones. If the Nobel committee burns me on my prize for medicine, you can bet your ass I’m making The Brothers Karamazov with them (and yes, I believe that Smerdykov was Fyodor’s illegitimate son, so there’s your fucking fourth brother, lit snobs).

The Wiz

Don Herbert, the docile scientist and star of Mr. Wizard’s World, died yesterday at the age of 89. Herbert brought a simple sensibility to teaching science to children often by using household items. His program, which had a run in the 50’s and later in the 80’s, encouraged children to duplicate experiments at home. "He really taught kids how to use the thinking skills of a scientist," said former colleague Steve Jacobs.

"'You could use a mayonnaise jar for that,'" Jacobs recalled, being chided by Herbert for his predisposition to flasks and beakers. No word on why Jacobs had said attachment.

Herbert was also, as his name implied, a wizard. He made no secret of his wizard heritage (on his mother’s side), and would often conjure in-between filming of segments. Several associates believe that Herbert is still locked in battle with the Symriton in the astral plane, which may have originally exacerbated his bone cancer.

Dead Ahead

Yeah, it's been a slow day, and not much to say or do. But I have been jonesing for the final season of Deadwood to come out today. And it better. Last week it was supposed to be in my hot little hands, but I got the hard truth after prowling the aisles at Best Buy. Last minute push-back my ass!

Deadwood was one of those shows that I didn't take interest in until I had the chance to watch the first season on DVD, and I've been a huge champion of it ever since. In fact, after watching the rental, I went out and bought it so I could turn friends onto the crude, raw joy of the frontier. Same with the second season and now the third and final. Anyone expecting John Wayne is going to be disappointed.

From the gritty, foul mouthed David Milch, Deadwood is as brutal and wild as the last days of the gold rush era. From the Black Hills of South Dakota, the series fused historical fact and violent fiction as the discovery of gold in the previously contested Indian territory drew together a dangerous group of adventurers, fortune seekers, and opportunists. Minor historical footnotes like Al Swearengen, Seth Bullock, and E.B. Farnum get the front stage along with Wild Bill Hickock, Calamity Jane, and George Hearst, and all are presented colorfully and compellingly.

Much of the success comes from the writing of the show, since it doesn't make any bones about the desparate and dangerous life that accompanies the expansion of a mining community into a town. Milch cut his teeth on Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue, but this series was all his style, adapting the straight forward intensity of those cop dramas and infusing the dirt and dreams of cowboys at the end of their era. Credit must also go to spectacular acting by Timothy Olyphant (Go!), Ian McShane (Sexy Beast), Brad Dourif (Dune), and William Sanderson (Blade Runner), plus several other fine performances by lesser known actors like Molly Parker, John Hawkes, Jim Beaver, Paula Malcomson, and W. Earl Brown.

Due to what seemed to be the rising cost of production, HBO pulled the plug but promised to wrap the series up with a pair of two hour movies to be aired at some point in 2007. Sensing the difficulty to get the ensemble cast together and rebuild the struck sets, I'm not going to hold my breath on those getting made this year, or perhaps at all, but at least there were three years worth of hard living in the tiny town of Deadwood to enjoy.