Just because some of us are sitting in judgment by God today doesn't mean there isn't still news happening...
Airline Tickets To Raise Cash For UN Health Effort - I have to extra for pay for checked baggage, and now you want me to fund UN programs without even offering me an in flight meal? Fuck that!
AK-47 Used For Political Fundraiser - Genius idea! I usually use it for bank robberies or small paramilitary excursions, but this really opens up the coercive partisan weaponry market. My the next election year you can count on Rockets for Republicans and Drone Bombers for Democrats!
Egypt Anger Over Virginity Faking - You expect a virgin when you pay for a virgin. These countries wouldn't seem like such fanatical zealots if some of these easy to fix issues were really dealt with. You tend to worry less about the infidels at your borders when you're not watching for infidels in your woman.
Scoop: Is Megan Fox A Flop As ‘It Girl’? - Yes.
Apple App Store Hits 2 Billion Downloads - Wow, that's a whole lot of people playing Bejeweled 2. Now somebody tell me how many of those apps are free and how many are paid downloads...
Khloe Kardashian And Lamar Odom Get Married - He'll get that annulled once he finds her dick. It's small, but that's the kind of thing that can ruin a marriage a month after first meeting.
6 Tips For Lazy Workers To Get Ahead - Number one: read a list claiming six tips to get ahead...
Homeless Ga. Sex Offenders Directed To Woods - This feels like the opening of a joke, but it's not. Is it infested with bears? Or has hunting season begun? As long as its not the same woods with Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, that's okay.
'World's First' Street Named After A Twitter Account - Figures that it is a street in a Palestinian refuge camp. You're no closer to legitimising yourself through twating.
Family Mental History Shadows Future Kids - That is one of the most poorly worded, ill-conceived headlines I've ever read.
Luxury Car Market May Never Look The Same - Let's hope they're still luxurious looking. And no more canary yellow cars. Ever.
'Saturday Night Live' Starts Season With F-Bomb - And no, the 'F' word in question wasn't 'funny'.
GOP pollster: Americans Angrier Than Ever - At you and the rest of the Republican shitbags. Thanks for figuring it out!
Britons Drowned In Vietnam Named - You know I'm going to laugh if one of them is named Bob.
More Than Half Million Kids Get Bad Drug Reactions - Because they're wussies and can't hold their shit. Know your limit and don't overdo it and you'll have the proper reaction.
Police Baffled By Woman’s Disappearance - I mean, she was right here! Where could she have gone? We looked away for one moment, and poof! We're the police and this never happens!
Endangered Ugandan Gorillas Join Facebook, MySpace - For some reason, they only make friends with people who have bananas in their favorites.
As Persian Jews Pray For Their Souls On Yom Kippur, They Scope Out Potential Soul Mates - God will forgive you for trying to get laid on the holiest of holy days. Kidding, he won't.
Wal-Mart Best Symbolizes America, A New Poll Finds - This poll makes me want to destroy America. Fuck you Vanity Fair and 60 Minutes, and every asshole who gave that response.
Lucy Of Beatles' 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' Dies - Apparently she succumbed to her longstanding ailment, kaleidoscope eyes. She will be buried at the Strawberry Fields Forever cemetery next to the Eggman and Sgt. Pepper.
Poland Okays Forcible Castration For Pedophiles - Who says they're dumb - that's a terrific idea!
France, Poland Want Polanski Released On Bail - Okay, I take that back about Poland. Unless...
US Loosens Grip On The Internet - Yes, but that's because it needs that hand free to tighten around something else.
Man Sues Bank Of America For $1.7 Billion Trillion - Yeah, good luck with that. Though it was lower than his inital amount of eleventy gazillion.
Baby Is Killed In Apparent Gang Shooting - Toddler gangs have been squabbling over nap time and formula, and it looks like there's no end in sight. Maybe potty training will bring about a truce.
Airline Tickets To Raise Cash For UN Health Effort - I have to extra for pay for checked baggage, and now you want me to fund UN programs without even offering me an in flight meal? Fuck that!AK-47 Used For Political Fundraiser - Genius idea! I usually use it for bank robberies or small paramilitary excursions, but this really opens up the coercive partisan weaponry market. My the next election year you can count on Rockets for Republicans and Drone Bombers for Democrats!
Egypt Anger Over Virginity Faking - You expect a virgin when you pay for a virgin. These countries wouldn't seem like such fanatical zealots if some of these easy to fix issues were really dealt with. You tend to worry less about the infidels at your borders when you're not watching for infidels in your woman.
Scoop: Is Megan Fox A Flop As ‘It Girl’? - Yes.
Apple App Store Hits 2 Billion Downloads - Wow, that's a whole lot of people playing Bejeweled 2. Now somebody tell me how many of those apps are free and how many are paid downloads...
Khloe Kardashian And Lamar Odom Get Married - He'll get that annulled once he finds her dick. It's small, but that's the kind of thing that can ruin a marriage a month after first meeting.
6 Tips For Lazy Workers To Get Ahead - Number one: read a list claiming six tips to get ahead...
Homeless Ga. Sex Offenders Directed To Woods - This feels like the opening of a joke, but it's not. Is it infested with bears? Or has hunting season begun? As long as its not the same woods with Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, that's okay.
'World's First' Street Named After A Twitter Account - Figures that it is a street in a Palestinian refuge camp. You're no closer to legitimising yourself through twating.
Family Mental History Shadows Future Kids - That is one of the most poorly worded, ill-conceived headlines I've ever read.
Luxury Car Market May Never Look The Same - Let's hope they're still luxurious looking. And no more canary yellow cars. Ever.
'Saturday Night Live' Starts Season With F-Bomb - And no, the 'F' word in question wasn't 'funny'.
GOP pollster: Americans Angrier Than Ever - At you and the rest of the Republican shitbags. Thanks for figuring it out!
Britons Drowned In Vietnam Named - You know I'm going to laugh if one of them is named Bob.
More Than Half Million Kids Get Bad Drug Reactions - Because they're wussies and can't hold their shit. Know your limit and don't overdo it and you'll have the proper reaction.
Police Baffled By Woman’s Disappearance - I mean, she was right here! Where could she have gone? We looked away for one moment, and poof! We're the police and this never happens!
Endangered Ugandan Gorillas Join Facebook, MySpace - For some reason, they only make friends with people who have bananas in their favorites.
As Persian Jews Pray For Their Souls On Yom Kippur, They Scope Out Potential Soul Mates - God will forgive you for trying to get laid on the holiest of holy days. Kidding, he won't.
Wal-Mart Best Symbolizes America, A New Poll Finds - This poll makes me want to destroy America. Fuck you Vanity Fair and 60 Minutes, and every asshole who gave that response.
Lucy Of Beatles' 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' Dies - Apparently she succumbed to her longstanding ailment, kaleidoscope eyes. She will be buried at the Strawberry Fields Forever cemetery next to the Eggman and Sgt. Pepper.
Poland Okays Forcible Castration For Pedophiles - Who says they're dumb - that's a terrific idea!
France, Poland Want Polanski Released On Bail - Okay, I take that back about Poland. Unless...
US Loosens Grip On The Internet - Yes, but that's because it needs that hand free to tighten around something else.
Man Sues Bank Of America For $1.7 Billion Trillion - Yeah, good luck with that. Though it was lower than his inital amount of eleventy gazillion.
Baby Is Killed In Apparent Gang Shooting - Toddler gangs have been squabbling over nap time and formula, and it looks like there's no end in sight. Maybe potty training will bring about a truce.
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