You're Gonna Need New Pants

This week’s SNL Digital Short, “Jizzed in My Pants” shows that you’re now apparently allowed to say “Jizz” on network television. Things overheard as a result:

John Madden: “Here it comes - BOOM! Boy, for my money, Pat, no one jizzes on a secondary like Brett Farve.”

Lou Dobbs: “One day America will wake up and realize that we cannot continue to let these illegal Mexicans come in here and jizz all over our culture.”

Top Chef host Tom Colicchio: “Look, you can’t take a lump of tuna, jizz sauce all over it, and call it a tartar. That’s just not how it works.”

Barbara Walters: “It’s amazing to walk the streets of New York these days. You can almost see the hope Barack Obama has jizzed into the eyes of the American people.”

Bill O’Reilly: “Dammit, people, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, the thing about Barney Frank is - Hey, what the f-ck? Can’t you cocksucking motherf-ckers hold the motherf-cking camera still? Jesus f-cking Christ. Look you jizz monkeys, I can either do the f-cking show or hold the f-ckin camera steady, I can’t do both.”

Lindsay Lohan [during an interview with Billy Bush]: “You can’t believe every rumor you hear, Billy. Samantha and I are still very much in love. But I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t miss getting jizzed on.”