6 AM Wake and drink coffee, fight urge to eat donut.7 AM Groom beard while humming Young Guns tune by Bon Jovi.
8 AM Crank call Colin Farrell, sing Irish jig, hang up.
9-11 AM Pop in Flatliners video.
12 NOON Eat a Tombstone pizza and reminisce about how bad the movie was.
1 PM Call ex girlfriend Julia Roberts. Breath heavily. Mention “Mystic Pizza.” Hang up. Repeat.
2 PM Save world from total nuclear meltdown in single player campaign of Halo 3.
3 PM Eat a Three Musketeers bar and reminisce about how bad the movie was.
4 PM Call dad, thank him for getting me into show business. Send check.
5-7 PM Try to convince producer about my idea to hire Betty White as the villain on the next season of 24.
7 PM Steak dinner alone in jammys.
8 PM Go to Julia Robert’s house, throw steak leftovers to dog, hop in window, steal underwear, escape unseen.
9 PM Pop in Lost Boys DVD, and laugh to self at how much cooler my career ended up than the 2 Coreys’ did.
10 PM Work on memorizing my full name: Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland.
11 PM Drink bottle of red wine and google myself.
12 AM -3 AM Sleep and dream of Young Guns 3. If they only would give me a chance…
3 AM Sleepwalk to 711, mistake clerk for Sayed Ali or other international terrorist, shoot clerk in head.
4 AM Find way to beat "American Idol" in ratings next January (note: bugging Simon Cowell’s car failed).
5 AM Scour eBay for old Emilio Estefez memorabilia.
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