Crapparazzi And Lesbians

The inaugural meeting of a task force of elected officials and law enforcement leaders occurred yesterday, as they investigated ways to regulate aggressive tabloid photographers. Yawn.

Given the star-wattage at the meeting, I'm not surprised there was martial law on the streets today to keep order. Sissy rocker John Mayer and actors Milo Ventimiglia and Eric Roberts were at City Hall for what was either a courageous stand against the dangerous tactics of the paparazzi or a foolish waste of time.

"Heroes" star Ventimiglia described being pursued at night through West Hollywood. At each red light, he said, three photographers would jump out of their vehicles and surround his car, blinding him with the flashes of their cameras. Ventimiglia said he drove to a sheriff's station but was told there was nothing authorities could do. "I have lost a bit of confidence in the laws," he said. How about that law about statutory rape? Your co-star Hayden Panettiere just turned 18, and you're 31...exactly how long did you say you've been dating?

Mayer, who called himself "one of the most media-friendly celebrities around," said reckless driving, harassment and trespassing by paparazzi make a lethal accident "not a theoretical possibility, but a situational certainty." Wow, musician and statistician! "You can either name the law after what it prevents, or you can name it after the first person who is killed," Mayer said. He added that his mere presence was proof of the problem. "You got a rock star out of bed at 8 o'clock in the morning, so this must be important," he said. I guess - if by important you mean being up that early and out with Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewett, Jessica "Phar Lap" Simpson, and Jennifer Aniston (for starters), all who you've banged.

Roberts simply asked that people start taking his picture and recognizing him. He noted his sister is famed actress Julia Roberts.

But before the celebrity witnesses could utter a single word about paparazzi car chases or sidewalk encampments, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton had tracked down a camera crew of his own and dismissed the task force as a farce, stirring up controversy.

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes, Paris is out of town and not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," Bratton told a reporter. The chief interrupted his morning workout to tell the station that existing laws were sufficient to control the paparazzi and that 90% of the problem was caused by misbehaving stars. He also accused Councilman Dennis P. Zine, who convened the task force, of grandstanding.

Zine during the hearing insisted the chief was wrong and that current penalties for traffic violations and misdemeanors were not sufficient. "They act like a pack of wolves, stalking their prey," he told the task force. "What we're trying to do is prevent a tragedy from happening." Later, Zine asked the mayor and the Police Commission to investigate Bratton's comments. He cited the assessment of Lohan's sexual orientation as particularly inappropriate. "I am just absolutely shocked at his obstinacy. We are trying to do something positive," Zine said. Yeah, so are the Jehovah's Witnesses trying to peddle "The Watchtower" at my door.

Bratton brushed off suggestions that his remarks were insensitive. He said that he had a long record of supporting gay rights and noted that his sister is a lesbian. He called a news conference during Zine's hearing to provide reporters with a list of more than 40 state and local laws that already deal with aggressive photographers. Bratton ridiculed efforts under discussion in the hearing to register paparazzi as "like trying to herd cats." What if you just did the old fashioned way of handling cats - put them in a bag and throw them in the river?

Adding some fuel to the fire was a response by La Lohan herself to the police chief calling her out (literally), who said that police have no business getting involved in her personal life. Really? Which part? The car accidents from August 2004 or October 2005? Or May 2007, when she ran her vehicle up a curb and police found cocaine in her car and in her blood? Is that why they later arrested her on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of alcohol? What about the incident from July 2007, when the police found her in a parking lot having a "heated debate" with her former assistant who was fired several hours earlier? Does the part where you failed a field sobriety test and were found with a BAC above the legal limit count? Or should we just focus on the cocaine in your pocket and driving with a suspended license?

So, how's about you shut the fuck up?

It's time to take aim at two issues we're facing these days. The first is lesbians. Quick test hotshot - which of the two pictures shows lesbians?

Not so fast! You're thinking it's that beer soaked, fratboy fantasy of crazy sluts gone wild who end up delivered to your home (discreetly) for $9.95 a month, cancel anytime! Lesbians, like everybody else in this world, come in all kinds of nasty shapes and sizes. Don't let porn and Hollywood fool you. And even the celebrity lesbians are keeping it real, and it ain't real pretty.

Yes, the real life sex (and the city) is not that glamorous or sexy at all. And like straight couples, the "man" sometimes gets a better looking girl than you'd think matches, but hey - they way she goes. Get out of your head why women who like other women often want women who look like a man, although for a moment let Tyler Durden mention:

...it feels a little disingenuous to call Sam Ronson a “girlfriend”. Does it count as gay when you’re girlfriend looks exactly like a boy? Feels like this is some kind of loophole to being gay. Lindsay didn’t exactly jump all in when it came time to F a girl. Sam is 98 percent boy. Put a vibrator in each hand and now she’s better than a real boy. Now she’s a bionic super boy. Or a regular boy having a seizure. Sam has pretty bad timing. She’s getting Lindsay at her lowest point. After she’s been used up by 900 guys. I hope their vibrators have a leash with a velcro strap that Lindsay can hook to her ankle like surfboards do so nothing gets lost up in there.

But jokes aside, it doesn't matter if guys like girls or other guys, or women prefer the hole over the pole. It's typical, as even the famous prove, that the idea of lesbians is quite different when the off-camera reality is seen. So now that you see lesbians are not Faberge eggs and are just like you and me (especially if you're a fella), why all the fuss? Whether you're lipsticking it like Jill Sobule or Katy Perry, or going for gay broke like Portia Di Rossi or La Lohan, who cares?

And point two is that - who cares? Paparazzi are parasites, and people who care are the hosts which they feed off. If you care what J-Lo's half chihuahua baby looks like or need to see where Posh Spice is shopping, you're a fucking loser. Paparazzi don't exist if there's no magazines being sold with their pictures and stories that are more bullshit than fact. It's nothing new from my lips - if you just stop caring, they don't exist. Fat idiots like Perez Hilton have to go back to working at Starbucks, and Assy Pig Tank becomes another chubby spoiled Persian brat from Beverly Hills.

How many pictures can you look at of celebrities driving cars at night? Whole websites exist and may as well call themselves Celebrity Bikini. Feeble existences are being made into careers, and now there are celebrities just for the sake of. And for what? Entertainment? Between all the incarcerations, rehabs, leg spreading, and partying, you may as well be watching a soap opera - and yes, that's the level to which watching these people melt down or flair up has gotten to...the sublimely ridiculous. Believe me when I say that these people are hardly the most interesting lot, and there have been plenty of times I've been around LA seeing celebrities and there's no throng of leeches snapping away. so how's that possible? Maybe they invite it on themselves? No, Diana did not ask for a high speed ball of metallic automotive death, but every asshole celebrity that has to shop the same 1000 yards of Robertson is not only overspending for their wardrobe, but putting themselves into the limelight.

Actors and musicians are an egotistical, narcisistic, shallow, stupid lot who constantly require validation, which your multiple cat-owning secrataries of the world give them in spades thanks to a derth of shutterbugs. If you really want laws against these vermin, offer hunting licenses for them. You'll see less of them out, I guarentee you, once a few of them take some slugs from a .22 rifle.