The Picture Box

There's a lot of crap on television, and Mike Sacks watches it. So he can take pictures.

Through The Remix Glass

It's like having absinthe with your breakfast...a downtempo remix of Alice In Wonderland.

Mouse Pirate

I love finding out about Disneyland and the behind the scenes info that leaks. It's like finding out how magicians do their magic tricks. This is an interesting piece about one of the park's Jack Sparrow players, who dishes on his time there:

Like everyone, I grew up going to Disneyland. Even as an adult I loved it there and went at least once a month. I was an annual pass holder, though not like the freaky ones you may have heard of. I’d see the park’s characters and think, “It’d be so cool to work here.” But there was never a character I really wanted to play. I had a role on the television show Veronica Mars and was working at Coco’s when a friend told me Disneyland was casting a Jack Sparrow character. I had already played Jack as a hobby at San Diego’s Comic-Con and the Renaissance Faire.

Thirty seven actors showed up that day, four of us in costume. Only eight were chosen for the next round. We were told we would be auditioning the next day at Disneyland. When I showed up, there were now 23 guys — 15 that had been pulled from in-house auditions. There was this assistant who would come in and pull people one by one — “Steve, can you come with me?” Then you’d never see Steve again. Finally I was sitting all alone in the room. After 15 minutes they pulled me into another room where two other guys were sitting. They told us we were going to be Disneyland’s first Jack Sparrows.

Disney warned us we were going to have a lot of horny women coming on to us. They were also worried about girls. I heard Disneyland had an Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was very flirtatious, and they finally pulled her because men found her too sexually arousing and were acting out.

The male character they had pulled was Tarzan. He moved around the tree house dressed in just a butt flap. Disney had hired these good-looking, muscular guys—even airbrushing abs on—and apparently there was excessive pinching of Tarzan’s ass by the park’s female visitors. Knowing all this, and also knowing what women were like around Jack at the Renaissance Faire, I told the other guys, “Don’t complain if girls flirt with you too much. If you do, they’ll pull the character from the park.”

Disney wanted us to tone Jack down, so they put us through an acting class to discover reasons why Jack walks and talks the way he does. Obviously he is based on Keith Richards, who’s always messed up, which is why they came up with the class. “Don’t be flirtatious,” they told us. “See women as trouble.” And they said as far as alcohol goes, don’t even mention drinking. But the Pirates of the Caribbean song is all about drinking, and they’re drinking all along the ride. So I eventually broke that rule, because it would have taken me out of character. When parents took pictures, I’d say, “Everyone say ‘rum,’ ” and the parents loved it. The kids would just ask, “What’s rum?”

When training started, I found out the park allowed mustaches but had a no-facial-hair policy for all employees. I had the Jack goatee, and I threw a small fit. No facial hair for this character? Why would you want to glue on a mustache in summer? You can see the glue! I took a day to consider whether I wanted the job. I walked the park, and suddenly I saw the most amazing Belle I’d ever seen. Beautiful. She was coming out of the characters’ entrance near Star Tours and bantering with Push the Talking Trash Can. An entire crowd was being entertained, and that just sold me. I thought, “I want to work here.”

I had a MySpace page as Jack Sparrow, and I asked if I could keep that. They said no. Two days later an assistant found a blog I’d written about auditioning. They said, “You need to take that blog down in two hours or you’ve lost your job.” They said, “You cannot give out information about auditioning for Jack Sparrow.” I also had to sign documents that stated if I was in the park and out of costume, I could not tell people that I played Jack Sparrow. I was told that the thing for employees to say was, “I am friends with Jack Sparrow.” I was worried I couldn’t do the character at Renaissance Faires anymore. But as long as I didn’t make money, I was told, I could put on my own costume outside the park.

It took over an hour to get Disney’s suit on. In the dressing room there is one long makeup table and a wall with a long mirror. I think over 100 character actors were there. You had face characters like Jack, Aladdin, the Mad Hatter, and you had fuzzies, the characters in costumes. The face characters and the fuzzies dressed apart. There was a ranking system in the dressing room: If you were a princess, you pretty much got that long mirror wall. For some reason the Jacks always ended up in the back corner.

As Jack, I had four hour-long sets a day. We worked in New Orleans Square. I would find a place I liked, and the hosts would set up my line. A host is someone who helps run the line of people that forms to meet you. They’re basically your security. When we started, Disney thought they wouldn’t give us a host. They thought we’d mingle. I laughed at that. I said, “I don’t mean to be the guy that knows it all, but from Renaissance Faires I can guarantee you this character will have the park’s longest line.” Disney had invented a Jack Sparrow autograph the three of us learned, and immediately the line for autographs was gigantic. The Jacks ultimately got two hosts.

We were the Johnny Depps and the Jack Sparrows of Disneyland. People called you either “Johnny” or “Jack.” They wanted to talk with you or ask for your autograph. It took me a while to get my rhythm down. I could figure out five or six different things to say to kids, so that by the time the sixth kid was gone, the next group in line hadn’t heard what I’d said to the first kid.

You never knew when the casting department was going to come into the park and watch you—they came out of nowhere—or something might end up on YouTube. If a character does something a parent believes is wrong, that’s the video that ends up on YouTube. I was on YouTube after I sat in a lady’s stroller. It’s something I often did, and parents would laugh and take pictures. But management came to me and said, “It looks like you’re sitting down on the job, and we can’t have that.”

There is a big thing in the park about not being visually linked to another character. You’re told to stay in your area. But Pluto was a friend of mine, and one day he came over to see me. We posed for photos, and the next day he told me it was on YouTube. Eventually he got fired.

I'll be honest: I didn’t follow all the Disney rules. I played Jack like he was real, and if a woman flirted, I would flirt back. Women loved it. But there were also women who would have too many beers at California Adventure or smuggle in alcohol you could smell on their breath, women who were clearly sloshed.

Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: “I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.” I would also get offers from women in my ear: “Anything you want, just find me.” I had a girl who had turned 18 the day before. She was with a high school group, and she wrote down her room number at the Downtown Disney hotel. I had a lady hump my leg one day in the park.

Annual pass holders—eventually you would become the favorite of certain ones. Most characters were weirded out by the pass holders. Weird was a mother having her kids ditch school so she could come see me. Or coming to every set I did and walking the line over and over again just to talk to me. But I didn’t mind them. I built up about eight solid regulars that came for me. My biggest fans were a mother-daughter team that would talk a little, walk to the end of the line, and then come around again. I could see them twice a week, every week, every set.

We were told Disney prefers that the characters don’t date, and the characters even have a slogan: “Don’t Date Disney,” or DDD. Dating at Disneyland is difficult. But I already had a thing for the Ariels when I arrived. They have red hair, and I love red hair. After I met my girlfriend, an Ariel, and we started dating, we would need to talk to each other backstage under our coats because employees would try to snap photos with their phones—Ariel and Jack together.

One problem about playing a character at Disneyland is that you are the Hollywood of the park. For the most part, ride operators and the people making the food love the characters, and they treat them like royalty. But the leads—the park’s assistant managers—every character had problems with them. The smallest rule broken, they call upper management and complain.

For the most part, if you’re not in trouble, you don’t see management. It wasn’t until the end that I started seeing them a lot. I had a lady who wrote on a comment card that her son had seen me and said, “Look, it’s Jack Sparrow!,” and Jack Sparrow had turned around and said, “No shit.” My manager said, “I don’t think you would say this, but where’d they get the idea?” I said if they’re in a stroller I say, “Nice ship.” She told me to say “Nice boat” from now on.

What people typically get suspended or fired for is a hugely flawed point system. If you’re part-time and you build up 24 points, you can be fired. Points come from things like clocking in late—even only a minute late. That’s one-and-a-half points on your record. You call in sick the day of work? Three points.

I was driving from L.A. and traffic in the morning was awful, so I started coming in at six because I was so worried about being late. I’d arrive early, get breakfast, and then forget to clock in on time. I never heard anything about it until seven months later, on a day when I actually was late and they told me I had 23 points. At that time I was working five days a week. Now every day I had to worry about hitting that clock because I was up for being fired if I missed it.

We were also not allowed to post pictures of ourselves in costume on MySpace. But I had a picture of Ariel and me kissing backstage, a photo I kept on my private page. I was warned by friends to take it down, and I did, but not before someone made a copy of it and turned it in to Disney. Management pulled me in and talked to me about it.

Then I got a good amount of money back on my tax return, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation was holding a fund-raiser where, for $1,500, you could see the premiere of the third Pirates film at the park. My girlfriend and I bought tickets. People who had worked earlier premieres said attendees came in costume. I had my own pirate costume, and I thought, “Let’s go in costume.” I was playing with danger, but my contract said I could dress up if I wasn’t being paid. They closed the park early that night and showed the movie over the river by the ride on a huge screen. It was amazing.

A week goes by. I think nothing of it. Then I see another Sparrow is scheduled the same day I’m on. I didn’t know what was happening until a manager came and said, “We got to take you down and talk to you.” At the premiere some foreign press outfit had done an interview with me. They asked my name. I didn’t give my real name, Pinto; I gave my stage name, Hillock. But someone behind the camera also filmed the interview, and they put it on YouTube. Management said, “We saw the video. You went to the premiere, you gave your real name, and we’re letting you go on that.” I said I wasn’t working that night, but they told me that I still represented the company.

They had a manager walk me off the property. She told me she felt bad. She took me past security and then asked for my Disney ID. I asked when I could come back. She said in five years I could reapply.

You’d hear that it sucks to work for Disney. They’re Nazis in Mickey hats. But I’d thought, “How bad could it be?” By the time I got fired, half of me was relieved. I was getting sick of constantly being barked at about what to do. It was a month before I went back to the park. I missed it. At first I thought it would be a Walk of Shame, but everyone was very nice.

Not long after that I went back to stand in my girlfriend’s Ariel line on Valentine’s Day and give her flowers. I was wearing a beanie and a sweatshirt, but the parents in line were asking me, “Are you Jack Sparrow? You’re him, aren’t you?” I looked to the line’s host, who was a friend of mine. He said, “You don’t work here anymore—do what you want.” But I did what I was trained to do. I said, “Jack Sparrow and I are just friends.”

The Future, Illuminated

With fluorescents and LEDs making major headway in the market, energy efficient alternatives to the incandescent bulb are becoming big business. The next big thing could be coming out of a partnership between Saazs and Saint-Gobain Innovations in the form of Planilum—the "world's first light emitting glass." Planilum is only 0.8-inches thick and is composed of four layers of special glass, a rare gas and serigraphed phosphors—which will give you 500,000 hours or around 20 years of normal usage.

Because of their soft glow, Planilum lights only get about as hot as the human body, which means that there is no need for a shade or diffuser. They are also about 90% recyclable because the design is nearly all glass. For these reasons, the Planilum can be integrated into designs that break from traditional lighting fixtures. In fact, the plan is to develop furniture and other household objects with these panels to make more functional and attractive lighting solutions. With any luck, we could see products based on this technology sometime within the next few years.

Social Networking Wars

How many do you have? And why?

Tailpipin'

Meet the Wilt Chamberlain of mechaphilia!

Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insists he is not "sick" and has no desire to change his ways.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful. I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."

Smith, first had sex with a car over three decades ago at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men - and make it clear that he is not gay. Well of course not! How many gays want to mount an automobile?

"I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. Is that the bisexual version? He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf. As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger. Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. The whore that he is, Smith confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.

Not surprisingly, his last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago - and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days. I think that was before he got a driver's license.

Talking about how his unusual passion developed, he said, "It's something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it. I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges. When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it. I didn't fully understand it myself except that I know I'm not hurting anyone and I do not intend to". I think he missed the point. Driving in a Stingray is supposed to get you laid, not wanting to bone the car itself.

"There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving." I hear that's what pedophiles say about those children who are leading them into such temptation. "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them. Never has having a garage sounded so good.

Coincidentally, I came across a post on how to merge man and machine, which if you hadn't imagined it before, can illustrate the process in instructional detail. And this fucker is serious, too.

Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.

'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.

The long answer is much more involved, including techniques, precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.

The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out. So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.

First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.

In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.

The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these, carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without your knowing it.

Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!

Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.

Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be pleasured by the car.

You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment. The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.

The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.

What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off. When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.

Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.

The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:

1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

If you don't have one, you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.

To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.

There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.

Here is what you need to do:

1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).

2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.

3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.

4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than the circumference of your shaft.

5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush. Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape around the whole thing.

6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.

7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from cutting.

8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end...

9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then you'll be using a condom). Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well. You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear — the higher the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.

You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars, since you may not have to chock the wheels — the weight of the car will prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts, so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out. Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire. I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car sideways. More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.

NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh) — causing damage to the engine — or will force the exhaust out. And you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City! If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about, though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom, and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember — oil rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.

Enjoy your cars! —Dekhyr Dragon

Sure, just don't let me catch you enjoying mine. Or any of the ones in my neighborhood.

Let's Play Disaster!

The "Big One" unzips California's mighty San Andreas Fault north of the Mexican border, and in less than two minutes, Los Angeles and its sprawling suburbs are shaking like a bowl of jelly. no, it's not the latest piece of shit from Roland Emmerich, it's the work of earthquake scientists who've put together their first scripted disaster!

A team of about 300 scientists, government officers, first responders and relevant industry people worked for more than a year to create a realistic crisis scenario that can be used for preparedness, including a statewide drill planned later this year. Published by the U.S. Geological Survey and California Geological Survey, it is to be released tomorrow before congress.

The jolt from their 7.8-magnitude temblor lasts for three minutes — 15 times longer than the disastrous 1994 Northridge quake. Water and sewer pipes crack. Power fails. Part of major highways break. Some high-rise steel frame buildings and older concrete and brick structures collapse. Hospitals are swamped with 50,000 injured as all of Southern California reels from a blow on par with the Sept. 11 attacks and Hurricane Katrina: $200 billion in damage to the economy, and 1,800 dead. Only about 700 of those people are victims of building collapses. Many others are lost to the 1,600 fires burning across the region — too many for firefighters to tackle at once.

The figures are based on the assumption that the state takes no continued action to retrofit flimsy buildings or update emergency plans. Projected losses are far less than the magnitude-7.9 killer that caused more than 40,000 deaths last week in western China, in part because California has stricter building code enforcement and retrofit programs. Their scenario is focused on the San Andreas Fault, the 800-mile boundary where the Pacific and North American plates grind against each other. The fault is the source of some of the largest earthquakes in state history, including the monstrous magnitude-7.8 quake that reduced San Francisco to ashes and killed 3,000 people in 1906.

Scientists chose the parameters of the fictional temblor such as its size and length of rupture and ran computer models to simulate ground movement. Engineers calculated the effects of shaking on freeways, buildings, pipelines and other infrastructure. Risk analysts used the data to estimate casualties and damages.

The story
The San Andreas Fault suddenly rumbles to life on Nov. 13, 2008, just after morning rush hour. The quake begins north of the U.S.-Mexican border near the Salton Sea and the fault ruptures for about 200 miles in a northwest direction ending near the high desert town of Palmdale about 40 miles north of downtown Los Angeles.

10 a.m.: The San Andreas Fault ruptures, sending shock waves racing at 2 miles per second.

+30 seconds: The agricultural Coachella Valley shakes first. Older buildings crumble. Fires start. Sections of Interstate 10, one of the nation's major east-west corridors, break apart.

+1 minute: Interstate 15, a key north-south route, is severed in places. Rail lines break; a train derails. Tremors hit burgeoning Riverside and San Bernardino counties east of Los Angeles.

+1 minute, 30 seconds: Shock waves advance toward the Los Angeles Basin, shaking it violently for 55 seconds.

+2 minutes: The rupture stops near Palmdale, but waves march north toward coastal Santa Barbara and into the Central Valley city of Bakersfield.

+2 minutes, 30 seconds: Emergency responders begin to fan across the region. A magnitude-7 aftershock hits, but sends its energy south into Mexico. Several more big aftershocks will hit in following days and months.

It took 300 people a year to come up with that? Disappointing and boring, to say the least...

Poor Jorge

More Midi

Don't have a Guitar Hero guitar to mod? How about using that old PS2 controller (standard, knockoff, or wireless) for a similar purpose? When hooked up, MIDIATOR it will allow you to do things like control pitch bend with the analog joysticks or trigger notes / toggle controller signals with the buttons. You can pick up the entire kit for $79.99 assembled or $59.99 if ya like to build things. They're even offering prize money if you can add features and programming to the module.

Infoporn:

> Supports official PS2 controllers, cheap knockoffs and wireless controllers... and now the guitar hero controller, including the wammy bar and tilt sensor.
> Analog joysticks control pitch bend and several controllers (or whatever you want them to do)
> Three modes: buttons play MIDI notes, send controller messages (pressure sensitive buttons), or they toggle on / off controller messages so you can mute and unmute tracks.
> LCD and menu system for mode switching and remapping the buttons. See the instructions below for more info, but you basically press start, the button you want to remap, and then up/down arrows to remap.
> 3 LEDs for feedback: power, sign of life, and/or whatever else you want.
> Requires DC power supply 7-15 VDC, positive centered barrel plug.

That Ol' Kennedy Luck

A cancerous brain tumor caused the seizure Sen. Edward M. Kennedy suffered over the weekend. From beyond the grave, Mary Jo Kopechne is smiling.

Doctors said tests conducted after the seizure showed a tumor in Kennedy's left parietal lobe. Preliminary results from a biopsy of the brain identified the cause of the seizure as a malignant glioma. His treatment will be decided after more tests but the usual course includes combinations of radiation and chemotherapy.

Malignant gliomas are a type of brain cancer diagnosed in about 9,000 Americans a year — and the most common type among adults. Average survival can range from less than a year for very advanced and aggressive types — such as glioblastomas — or to about five years for different types that are slower growing.

Like the other sons of Joe, Kennedy is going to meet an unpleasant end, albeit lengthier than his siblings. His eldest brother Joseph was killed in a World War II airplane crash, while presidential bro John was famously assassinated in 1963. Presidential candidate Robert was assassinated in 1968.

While tubby Teddy himself did not run for the nation's high office, his endorsements for other candidates were commonly viewed as very important. Of course, they've all ended in failure. In 1988 he supported the successful bid of Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis to win the nomination. Four years later he initially backed former fellow Massachusetts Senator Paul Tsongas, who lost to Bill Clinton. In 2000 Kennedy supported Vice President Al Gore against former New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley. In 2004 he backed fellow Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, who won the nomination and lost the election. Currently Kennedy is supporting Senator Barack Obama...you do the math.

The Champ

No way I'm thumb wrestling this guy.

Doucheburger

Its creators admit it is the ultimate in decadence: a $175 hamburger. Another description is extravagant waste of money.

The Wall Street Burger Shoppe just raised its price from $150 to assure its designation as the costliest burger in the city as determined by Pocket Change, an online newsletter about the most expensive things in New York for arrogant, pompous dickbags who only care about what something exists as a measure of their own worth.

"Wall Street has good days and bad days. We wanted to have the everyday burger (for $4) ... and then something special if you really have a good day on Wall Street," said co-owner Heather Tierney, whom I wish a barren womb for her willingness to cater to an already over-indulged crowd. The burger, created by chef and co-owner Kevin O'Connell, seeks to justify its price with a Kobe beef patty, lots of black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese, wild mushrooms and flecks of gold leaf on a brioche bun. I hope a grease fire disfigures him as justice for making one of these insipid meals.

The eatery sells 20 or 25 per month in the fine dining room upstairs versus hundreds of $4 burgers each day at the diner counter downstairs. That's two dozen people a month who should be punched in the throat mid-meal.

Pocket Change previously designated the double truffle burger at Daniel Boulud's DB Bistro Moderne as the most expensive at $120, and the Burger Shoppe set out to top that, because being the most decadent is clearly a badge of honor for narcissists. Boulud's creation -- available only during black truffle season from December to March -- rose to $150 this past season, so the Burger Shoppe raised its price on Monday to $175.

"Our burger is not about the price," said Georgette Farkas, a Boulud spokeswoman. "If you are making something concerned only about the price, you are off in the wrong direction". Well played, Farkas! If that's really the case, then why bother to offer it with those overpriced mushrooms at the still staggering cost of $32? So what if it has a ground sirloin patty stuffed with red wine braised short ribs - you're not justifying it.

O'Connell said the Burger Shoppe was "finding the ultimate expression of each one of the ingredients. The concept was like a mushroom-bacon-Swiss cheese burger, which is my favorite sort of burger." I think I could have made you one for 1/10th the price. The burger comes with golden truffle mayonnaise, Belgian-style fries and a mixed greens and tomato salad. O'Connell pairs the dish with many fine wines, a lager or a toasted brown beer, to add to the snooty superiority that comes from not only ordering such a meal, but in offering it at all.

Seriously, if you pay close to two bills for a burger, you're a fucking asshole.

Midi Guitar Hero

So, you think you're a musican because you played 142 notes in a row on hard, huh? Not quite, game boy! But if you want to put some of those plastic guitar button mashing skills to use, why not flip that axe into a midi controller and really make some tunes come to life!

Check out how to convert your guitar here, and you'll be able to do the following:

•Play 2 octaves of an 8 note scale at a time,
•Change the starting note anywhere in the range of a regular keyboard
•Change octaves
•Change keys
•Change tonal modes (Ionian, Mixolydian, Lydian, Dorian, Aeolian, Phrygian, Locrian)
•Change the timbre of a sound
•Change the resonance of a sound
•Use the whammy bar to pitchbend
•Play chords in the mode you have the guitar set to (major/minor/etc.)

Leet indeed!

Congrats Dr. Hathaway!

Last week, Boeing fired their high-energy chemical laser aboard a C-130 Hercules aircraft for the first time ever! Chris and Mitch had perfected the system, and Kent helped by mounting the optics.

It was the first step in the challenge to achieve a fully functional laser-based anti-missile system next year. According to Boeing, the ATL will "destroy, damage or disable targets with little to no collateral damage," thanks to its "ultra-precision engagement capability". After conducting a series of additional laser tests on the ground and in the air, the program will fire the chemical laser in-flight at mission-representative ground targets. The test team will fire the laser through a rotating turret that extends through the aircraft's belly. It was only last year that the high-energy laser concluded laboratory testing, demonstrating reliable operations in more than 50 firings.

"Needless to say, I was a little despondent about the meltdown. But then, in the midst of my preparation for hara-kiri, it came to me: it is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix. Yes, its an excimer, frozen in its excited state."

J.C.V.D.

Finally, Jean-Claude Van Damme staring in a movie about Jean-Claude Van Damme!

Cleverly titled J.C.V.D. (what'd you expect), Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a fictional version of Jean-Claude Van Damme who deals with the problems that come with being Jean-Claude Van Damme. And it's an action-comedy. It'll be like Adaptation, but with split kicks. Cannes is showing it as part of their film festival, as it deserves it's due at such a high level.

Bhagavad Gita Brew

Locally brewed liquor possibly tainted with lethal chemicals killed at least 59 people in southern India over the weekend. Guess you can't outsource everything now, can you, Raj!

Bootleggers began selling their deadly brew on Saturday after police shut authorized liquor shops in parts of the Karnataka state because of voting for the state government. In India, liquor stores and bars are routinely closed during elections to prevent politicians from handing out free alcohol in a bid to win votes. Kinda surprising when you think about how many people there would probably want a hot meal, clothing, or shelter.

Since Saturday, 59 people, most of them poor laborers, have died and 17 others were in the hospital. Six people have been arrested for selling the killer concoction, and police were analyzing the drink to determine what made it so deadly. My guess is that it was brewed with water from the Ganges river. Or it was fermented in the same tubs where lepers bathe. Or they substituted elephant dung for hops.

Deaths from illicitly brewed liquor are frequent in Indian villages and towns, where locally made brew is often spiked with pesticides or chemicals like the banned methyl alcohol to make it stronger or increase the amount. Because when you live in a society with a caste system and rampant poverty, getting fucked up is key. But seriously, how much of a raging alkie must you be to swill some nasty mash strangers are giving out for free? You can't make it a day without your sauce? If you live there and haven't figured out that they're gonna close the original Kwik-E-Mart on election day, you're too stupid for drinking to have any effect.

Tang Bomb!

Delicious for astronauts, but deadly for air travellers?

Tang Bombs are powerful explosives made out of Tang mixed with hydrogen peroxide. The orange-flavored drink mix popularized by NASA for use in space flights, contains citric acid, which reacts violently when it's combined with peroxide. Apparently, a plastic bottle-sized contraption can blow a hole in an airplane when triggered by a disposable flash camera. At least that's what British authorities are saying in the trial of suspects caught in an August 2006 plot. The suspects planned to use Tang Bombs to take down 7 airplanes sometime between August and December of 2006, which would've killed almost 2,000 people and certainly ruined breakfast.

Here's a safe, government demonstration of a Tang Bomb:

A Study In Direction

Strange how just a slight shift of direction can make something look totally different.

Good.

Bad.

Crowded Weekend

It's another weekend set to start with a concert by foreigners - this time it's Crowded House. With two more Friday night concerts to attend in the upcoming months, I have to say that it is a good transition into relaxing and fixing the ills of the week. The holiday weekend coming up is also something to look forward to, but I worry that eventless Fridays and protracted weekends may leave the weeks long and brutal, without a tangible hope to aim for. But for now, the weekend begins well...

UPDATE: Another terrific show from Crowded House, and unlike last time, a far more intimate venue. I was last at The Orpheum for the Last Remaining Seats series of films some time ago, but it was nice to see the refurbished building used for a concert. It was reminiscent of the show they did at The Arlington in Santa Barbara over a decade ago - something larger than a club but smaller than an amphitheater.

With a mix of old and more recent songs, the band even trotted out a couple of new tunes I imagine are being tested for inclusion on another studio effort. Having already done their initial touring for 2007's Time On Earth, the show was a far more relaxed experience on stage. The band, having done their lap after a long hiatus, were now having pure fun. The audience seemed to as well, as a flurry of notes and papers were tossed onto the stage throughout the show, which the band would collect and even read to the crowd.

By far the strangest moment in the banter and interaction was a woman near the front row trying to throw her paper airplane message onstage...which failed at first. As usual, YouTube documents of the night were had, and as proof:

It's dark, but she gets to dance on a PA, and then on stage. Scarlett, who braved the "old people music" was as surprised as I at the whole thing, but it was laughable and very cool to see the evening be such a laid-back and interactive show between the band and it's fans. They also performed a double encore, which stretched their set to over two hours, certainly giving we fans our money's worth. I hope that their next tour brings them back to a small setting, which singer Neil Finn hinted at before they left, or at the very least after doing their promotional jaunt, since great bands really take over cozy theater stages like The Orpheum.

Pineapple Head


Distant Sun

Krautwerk

I guess you have to read the translated versions to really enjoy them, but the famed German science fiction series of Perry Rhodan novels look bizarre as hell.

I believe this one is called Baboon Worldfucker.

And this tale has two soldiers forced at gunpoint to felate each other.