Tailpipin'

Meet the Wilt Chamberlain of mechaphilia!

Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insists he is not "sick" and has no desire to change his ways.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said. "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful. I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."

Smith, first had sex with a car over three decades ago at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men - and make it clear that he is not gay. Well of course not! How many gays want to mount an automobile?

"I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. Is that the bisexual version? He says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf. As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger. Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses. The whore that he is, Smith confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.

Not surprisingly, his last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago - and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days. I think that was before he got a driver's license.

Talking about how his unusual passion developed, he said, "It's something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it. I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges. When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it. I didn't fully understand it myself except that I know I'm not hurting anyone and I do not intend to". I think he missed the point. Driving in a Stingray is supposed to get you laid, not wanting to bone the car itself.

"There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving." I hear that's what pedophiles say about those children who are leading them into such temptation. "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them. Never has having a garage sounded so good.

Coincidentally, I came across a post on how to merge man and machine, which if you hadn't imagined it before, can illustrate the process in instructional detail. And this fucker is serious, too.

Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (for males)
Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps.

'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe.

The long answer is much more involved, including techniques, precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe.

The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out. So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus.

First we will deal with some cautions you should know about.

In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe.

If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once.

The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these, carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without your knowing it.

Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on!

Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe.

Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be pleasured by the car.

You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment. The other way (which is much more rewarding) does.

The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex.

What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off. When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself.

Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe.

The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment:

1 Dekhyr Dragon Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit.

If you don't have one, you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with.

To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store.

There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with tailpipes not much bigger than your cock.

Here is what you need to do:

1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head).

2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube.

3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight.

4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than the circumference of your shaft.

5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush. Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape around the whole thing.

6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide.

7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from cutting.

8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end...

9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then you'll be using a condom). Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well. You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear — the higher the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in.

You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars, since you may not have to chock the wheels — the weight of the car will prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts, so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out. Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire. I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car sideways. More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock faster and harder since the energy of two people will add.

NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh) — causing damage to the engine — or will force the exhaust out. And you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City! If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about, though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom, and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember — oil rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant.

Enjoy your cars! —Dekhyr Dragon

Sure, just don't let me catch you enjoying mine. Or any of the ones in my neighborhood.