Memorable Memorial, Or, The Skank Power Hour

Two new shows break on Memorial Day, and it will be unforgettable.

E!, who once brought you true stories from Hollywood before creating stories by airing celebrity programs, and reached a new low - if that's possible. As if already running Keeping Up With The Kardashians, where viewers can see how many people can function at a level just below severely retarded while collectively sharing one brain wasn't taxing enough.

Starting at 10pm, it's The Homewrecking Whore Chronicles Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Apparently, her public sparing with ex-husband Charlie Sheen and adulterous affair with Richie Sambora make her both interesting and complicated. Because before squeezing out a pair of daughters for Charlie Sheen to give paternal issues to, all she was know for was playing a pair or tits in Starship Troopers, a pair of tits in Wild Things, and a pair of tits / nuclear scientist with the Remington Steele James Bond.

"Opening up her life for the first time Denise Richards lays it all on the line. Follow the high-profile star as she navigates Hollywood, romance and motherhood after a tumultuous year in the tabloids," goes the tagline for her show. Yes, there's nothing like a television soapbox to force your side of a messy divorce out and try and manage a little damage control for literally screwing over your best friend, even if the side effect is trying to revive your sagging career. Really, it's not that complicated. Or interesting.

At 10.30, the Lohan family brand of used vaginas infects your television. Having done a terrific job of raising Lindsay, Dina aka "White Oprah" throws 14 year old Ali to the media wolves. Ever see those old movies where they have the virgin who is getting sacrificed to the volcano or village monster, and this is a grand honor to be selected? That's what's going on here. And just like the split second of recognition as the creature strikes or the heat of the lava rises, the shrieks of terror come from the bound victim, realizing what is really going on.

The one distinction for White Oprah is that her daughters have not gone totally down the crash-and-burn highway of Lynne Spears' delightful offspring...but she's veering into dangerously close territory. Dian Lohan is a starfucker of the highest caliber, and whoring out the next princess in her farm league is all part of her own narcissism and delusions of grandeur. If your cup of tea is having somebody see how often their family shows up in the tabloids, you're an idiot but you're gonna love this. Anybody else will find it revolting.

pre-skanked vs. fully skanked