Delusions Of War

Fresh from living in the future, Republican presidential candidate John McCain declared for the first time he believes the Iraq war can be won by 2013. Tell us more, Nostradamus!

The former prisoner of war, in a mystical speech that also envisioned Osama bin Laden dead or captured, and Americans with the choice of paying a simple flat tax or following their standard 1040 form, said only a small number of troops would remain in Iraq by the end of a prospective first term because al-Qaida will have been defeated and Iraq's government will be functioning on its own.

"By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won," McCain told an audience of hundreds. As the senator drove to the airport on his "Straight Talk Time Travel Express" campaign bus, McCain insisted there was a difference between ending the war and bringing troops home and, as they criticized their Democrats opponents, announcing a withdrawal upfront without regard for the military endgame.

"It's not a timetable; it's victory. It's victory, which I have always predicted. I didn't know when we were going to win World War II; I just knew we were going to win," McCain said. "I know from experience, you set a day for surrender — which is basically what you do when you say you are withdrawing — and you will pay a much a heavier price later on."

Hilary Clinton, who lives in the present day, dismissed McCain and said he "promises more of the same Bush policies that have weakened our military, our national security and our standing in the world." The Barack Obama campaign said that while the candidate agrees with some of McCain's sentiments, "you cannot embrace the destructive policies and divisive political tactics of George Bush and still offer yourself as a candidate of healing and change." Other Democrats equated McCain's comment with President Bush's May 1, 2003, speech on the deck of an aircraft carrier displaying a "Mission Accomplished" banner.

In his remarks, McCain peered through a crystal ball to 2013 and envisioned an era of bipartisanship driven by weekly news conferences and British-style question periods with joint meetings of Congress. The senator conceded he cannot make the changes alone (he'll need Doc Brown's Delorean), but said he wanted to outline a specific governing style to show the accomplishments it can achieve.

"I'm not interested in partisanship that serves no other purpose than to gain a temporary advantage over our opponents. This mindless, paralyzing rancor must come to an end. We belong to different parties, not different countries," he said. "There is a time to campaign, and a time to govern. If I'm elected president, the era of the permanent campaign will end; the era of problem-solving will begin."

In outlining other potential achievements of a first term in his speech, McCain implicitly was suggesting he would seek a second term, an attempt to mute suggestions he would serve only four years after being the oldest president elected. And in particular, he sees a world in which the Taliban threat in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced. He added: "The increase in actionable intelligence that the counterinsurgency produced led to the capture or death of Osama bin Laden, and his chief lieutenants. ... There still has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since Sept. 11, 2001."

If McCain has such awesome insight into the future, why doesn't he get on the Vegas books and throw some dough on whoever is going to win American Idol. God knows his campaign could use the money, and all the red state inbreds would champion him for backing their favorite program.