Things My Boyfriend Says

No, not my boyfriend, her boyfriend.

Things My Boyfriend Says is the result of when you have a funny guy and a cool girlfriend who keeps track of the clever stuff you say. Don't you wish your girlfriend remembered all the brilliant jokes you made instead of always coming back to that time the bed wasn't made? Don't you wish you had a girlfriend who was that hip? Hell, don't you wish you had a girlfriend?

American Apparel, You've Done It Again

No, she doesn't look 12. But retarded as hell. Thanks for bringing the sexy back.

Spare Change?

It's bad enough to have to wake up and go to work, but there's one part of my day that I loathe, and that's running the homeless gauntlet when I get coffee in the morning. I have a grand idea for helping the homeless, which I'm sitting on for a later post, but in the meantime let me tell you why this messes with my day.

There are now four homeless varietals at my local Starbucks.

Helpful Guy is my favorite, and I feel that if I'm going to have to be assailed for change, I'd rather it be him. He's a black man in his late 40's or 50's, bundled up with a coat and beanie, and is the main occupant on the corner. As you come down the street he'll wave you on and point out where the open parking spaces are in the tiny crowded lot, which I think is nice, considering he could just stand there asking for change. If I have a coin I'll give it to him, and sometimes I'll buy him a coffee if he doesn't have one yet. He's friendly and personable, and probably a veteran, since a good chunk of the street peeps use the nearby VA. I think he may live in a car that I see there once in a while, with another homeless white woman.

Mrs. Helpful Guy doesn't show up too much, but I do see here sometimes on weekends or on the odd day here or there. I've seen her mostly sitting in her car or driving it to or from the lot, rather than out on the street looking for money, but I recognize her nonetheless. Perhaps she has a different territory to cover, but they're rarely together for more than a moment or in front of the Starbucks. If she is there, she won't ask for money or direct traffic, but since she's also on that happier, harmless side of the spectrum it's not terrible to see her around.

Crazy Guy worries me because he's fairly young, but totally batshit. If he's around, he'll most often just stand against the wall, staring off into space. He doesn't ask for money, he just zones out and let's you feel the weight of his presence. There's been a few times he's been on a tear having a seriously heated yelling match with his invisible demons, and that's not so much fun to be around. He doesn't look scruffy or dirty, so I think he's a drug user, which makes him both unpredictable and dangerous, especially if he's having psychotic drug related breaks. It's not too often he's there, but it's unnerving when he is since I've seen him in high gear.

Today, number four arrived. His name is Lazy Hippie. Sitting cross legged in front of the door, he just drones with on his mantra, "spare some change...spare some change...spare some change". Whenever I see a young white guy with a dreadlock basket atop his head and a tour length beard, I am immediately suspicious. Phish don't tour anymore and I'm not in Berkeley or Santa Cruz, so the sight of a hacky sack flipping, patchouli stinking hippie in an urban setting is a big red flag. I can only postulate that Jeff hated his middle class upbringing and parents, changed his name to Eagle Tree, and decided to give a big middle finger to the man by skirting the system.

If you are a young, healthy, able bodied adult, go march your ass off to work. Now, before you bleat about how I couldn't know if he had a problem, I can tell you this. He wasn't there before today, so that means he's mobile and his legs work, plus he had neither a wheelchair or crutches. He held his cup out for money, which means his arms work. He could see me coming and going and was able to beg, so clearly his eyes, mouth, and brain function. His clothing, while unfashionable, where clean, as was he (save the picnic basket sized dread sling and nappy beard).

I may not like euthanizing baby koalas and bunnies, but every day I get up, go to work, and make sure the killing floor is ankle deep with blood. You don't have to like what you do, but goddammit, get up and do something. That overpriced coffee I drink to cope with the murder of hundred of defenseless creatures is a small sliver of happiness in an otherwise grey day, and I'll be damned if some dirty hippie panhandler is going to steal my sunshine because they'd rather put their hand out and go to a drum circle while the rest of us work.

I've got to give credit to Henry Rollins, who told a tale of running into a gutterpunk who was healthy and able but wanted a free buck. After sizing him up and delivering a verbal battery of questions that established the kid was completely fit for work, Rollins flashed a wad of cash and told the dirtmuffin that he could have it if he could take it from him. Physically. Of course, the passive, lazy urchin declined, but it reinforced the beauty of the dilemma -- perfectly apt folks wanting something for nothing. It would have gained his respect if the kid tried to roll him for the dough, but if you're able to jack someone, you're able to go to work, and the effort for both still proved to be too much.

If you want something, you've got to earn it or take it. Sitting and waiting earns you nothing.

Clear Your Mind This Weekend

But if you insist on dwelling on things, you are only allowed to go visit Tyler. He will hold your hand until Monday.

Is "Underground News Team" An Oxymoron?

The slick marketing geniuses at Yahoo! have decided to hip their news up and get a little street cred. Try, at least. Underground is a news subsection of the Yahoo! realm where "a handful of media professionals who comb the subcultures of America to bring you untold stories of shock and awe". Being part of the ridiculous Yahoo! News Underground team requires you to be so hip for your whiteness that it obscures the air of trying too hard. Just read the info about them and the image of 40 year olds wearing track suit jackets who look like three stints in rehab should come to mind.

But what is really obnoxious is how awfully pedestrian and not cool their underground is. What drew my attention to them was their focus on the Krumping dance craze that's sweeping the streets...as of three years ago. The years old documentary Rize aptly covered the spastic dancing of LA's hood and pissed off my girlfriend at the time for being boring. I guess the world is tragically unaware of the midget sized Kiss cover band, the gay rodeo, and the all-female Iron Maiden tribute band, but that's the cutting edge stuff that's also circa 2004 which needs to be brought out of the underground.

Corporations ALWAYS fuck up trying to be cool, and this interweb venture is no different. If you really want to be on the bleeding edge of underground goings-on, look at Flavorpill. There, I just saved you life and made you hipper in the process.

Advice To Graphic Designers

Central Illinois has all their metal band graphics and logos covered. Look elsewhere for work.

ps. Severed Savior and Fecal Corpse have had to cancel. The good news is that Jungle Rot and Waco Jesus have been added to the festival!

Even Better Than The Real Thing?

Scientists on Planet Japan have developed a robot that acts like a toddler to better understand child development. The Child-Robot with Biomimetic Body, or CB2, was developed by a team of researchers at Osaka University and is designed to move just like a real child between 1 and 3 years old. Just over 4 feet tall and weighing 73 pounds, the robot changes facial expressions and can rock back and forth.

How is it possible? What could explain this? For one, the robot's movements are smooth as it is fitted with 56 actuators in lieu of muscle. It has 197 sensors for touch, small cameras working as eyes, and an audio sensor. CB2 can also speak using an artificial vocal cord.

"Our goal is to study human recognition development such as how the child learns a language, recognizes objects and learns to communicate with his father and mother," said Minoru Asada, a professor at Osaka University who led the project.

I suspect something fishy* is going on. Last I heard, there were lots of toddlers still in Japan. Why would you create an artificial version of something you want to study when you have the real thing there? What's next, researchers creating a language so they can study how language is learned? It already exists! Just ask the programmer who conditioned all the responses for robo-kid and he'll tell you how it will respond if you're too lazy to study real children. Somebody tell me why I'm not running things at Osaka U? I got things dialed in.

They're probably trying to create some weird, perfect pedophile abuse sexbot, or worse, something so dark and sinister that it would shatter your soul. Like goatse.


*not a reference to the sushi chain

Losing Isaiah

ABC announced that Isaiah Washington was not having his option picked up for the next season of Grey's Anatomy, five months after getting in hot water for calling gay cast mate T.R. Knight a "faggot".

Since tangling on with co-star Patrick Dempsey for the initial remark, and later drawing the ire of co-star Katherine Heigl for using the epithet at the Golden Globe Awards, Washington had been on a tour of absolution, meeting with the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network and the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, and even filmed a public service announcement about the power of words. Additionally, he said he was trying to make amends and was seeking therapy, but neither his words nor actions managed to hold his job.

If he was a coal miner, calling his co-worker a faggot would have probably elicited a high five or two, and then an equally juvenile comeback. But in the sensitive and self important world of Hollywood, everybody was up in arms. Granted, Knight is gay (and later surfed the wave of publicity to come forward - because coming out would not accurately represent his embrace of the spotlight), and we all know that you can't call a homosexual faggot unless you're at the next gloryhole over, much like only blacks can call each other nigger, so the outrage is apparently, appropriately in context. But is that hyper-vigilance against any kind of derogatory statement the standard, and if so should it be? If you've ever seen two guys mouthing off and rolling up their sleeves, apparently there's a lot of gaydar getting set off, because there's a whole lotta gay insinuations and manhood assessments being made. Clearly the emasculation is meant to be provocative and insulting, but isn't that because it's meant to diminish their masculinity and heterosexuality? Is it luck that of all the insults and curses, sometimes one of them is actually close to accurate? And is the trouble then that the remark was put in an derogatory format, or that the person saying it does or doesn't have the proper basis to say it?

When the shitstorm died down, the diagnosis was that Washington was an insensitive homophobe and he needed to go though a public battery of apology and reconciliation to preserve his image, which he did. And therein lies the bigger problem. As a society, and certainly in any of the media / entertainment fields, public image and damage control is important as a body of work. Get caught fisting a transsexual prostitute while high on PCP? Leave your baby alone at home for days with nothing but frozen peas and beer? Drive your Sherman tank down the freeway on the wrong direction? All of these things can, will, and have happened, and the stars are quick to put the right spin on things so that they can keep from being surrounded by angry villagers and stoned. But what happens when the public penance doesn't work? How much prostrating must be done before the issue is dropped? Consequence, or more so attrition is to be expected, but at some point the issue there has to be a resolution. Have we seen that last of this story?

When you look at all the incendiary things that are said and done by performers, some name calling on set is hardly a big deal, especially when you have rappers talking about capping bitches and guys like Akon grinding minors and throwing kids from the stage. Grovelling for mercy in the public eye has become as well worn a tradition as the words and actions that spur it, but if we're going to have a three ring circus of hoops and expectations, then we have to decide clearly where that line is going to be to determine what is unforgivable.

(Yeah, that movie poster was a nice tying touch)

Badder Lieutenant

Fifteen years ago, Bad Lieutenant came out to controversy and shock as it's hardcore depiction of a immoral cop rattled audiences. Fresh from Reservoir Dogs, Harvey Keitel was a crack smoking, gambling, pervert who treated us to full frontal nudity and incoherent moaning, all under the banner of an NC-17 rating. In order to be released with an R rating, several edited need to be made.

The first time I came across this, I was laughing out loud*. Having re-read it the other day I had equal aplomb. Any single depiction of the graphic and intense items would have made the film retain the NC-17 rating. Now, imagine the movie as it had been intended**.

1. Bad Lieutenant's scrotum stretched out to create a "Tijuana Trampoline" for a Mexican jumping bean

2. Drugs or alcohol injected into a baby for luck

3. Part of a skeleton's hand hidden inside a vagina

4. Four instances of the unutterable profanity, which cannot be reproduced here

5. Turtle made to eat its own vomit through trickery or special effects

6. More than one consecutive minute of a man staring into the camera

7. Ghosts portrayed as real and/or consulted as experts

8. Erotic skullduggery

9. Good Lieutenant locked inside a freezer by Bad Lieutenant and thrown into river

10. Bad Lieutenant laughs and flushes goldfish down toilet

11. Semi-automatic weapon discharged inside a well or cistern more than twice

12. Destruction of federal property in the act of intercourse

13. Bad Firefighter seen using the restroom for emotional gratification

14. Sexual humiliation of house cats

15. Bad Lieutenant stands naked and eats canned pasta over his sink as his penis becomes visibly engorged

16. Babies utilized as the subject of an auction or in a barter transaction

17. Bad Astronaut admits to destroying Challenger space shuttle out of jealousy

18. Locomotives constructed prior to 1990 participating in a wedding ceremony

19. Birthday cake decoration used to advocate abortion

20. Bad Helicopter used twice to terrorize or maim wild horses

21. Bad Helicopter appears with the word "Fuckwagon" painted on the side

22. Bad Helicopter appears with a realistic image of a woman defecating on a rattlesnake painted on the side

23. Bad Helicopter seen using the restroom for emotional gratification

24. Ritualized torture and murder of a notary public

25. Depiction of a crab or lobster notarizing official police documents

26. Graphic demonstration of the forbidden "egg jape"

27. Oral copulation performed in a bad dumbwaiter

28. Minor forced to witness a sporting mascot purchasing crack cocaine

29. Scenes of one or more sporting mascots smoking drugs with a helicopter

30. Sodomy on Good Helicopter performed by a sporting mascot while a minor is forced to watch

31. Minor willingly assisting in the disposal of a body at the behest of a police officer

32. Multiple human skulls appearing in the wrong location on Bad Lieutenant's airport X-ray


33. Bad Lieutenant grunting and gasping on toilet bowl with graphic splashing sounds

34. Human skulls in toilet bowl fished out and sold to teenagers

35. Prominent background image or images of a wizard nude from the waist down

36. Graphic description of a wizard masturbating himself onto a photograph of the President Eisenhower

37. Industrial robot programmed to inject testosterone into an erection

38. Parrot trained to speak blasphemy against the Catholic Church

39. Hostage forced at gunpoint to simulate oral copulation with a doorknob

40. Bowling ball painted like a testicle rolled into bowling pins arranged to spell out vulgar terms for the vagina

41. Basket containing Christmas ornaments flattened by steamroller

42. Harpoon gun used in prostate exam

43. Gravity defied repeatedly and without explanation, implying the use of sorcery

44. Car driven by Bad Lieutenant made out of human guts, runs on blood

45. Bad Sergeant stabbed in neck with shovel for not being bad enough

46. Bad Lieutenant "fake throws" ball for Golden Retriever


47. Elderly woman shoved into puddle

48. Sporting mascot married to Chinese woman in citizenship scheme orchestrated by Bad Lieutenant and Bad Helicopter with assistance from Bad Crustacean Notary

49. Kazoo used to frighten rape victim

50. Amish deceived into using computer disguised as plow by Bad Astronaut

51. Nearby tornado ignored by characters without consequence

52. Multiple characters call in sick to jobs despite not being sick

53. Chastity vows mocked

54. Good Helicopter destroyed with missile for filing taxes on time

55. Dean's car taken apart and reassembled in his office

56. Trigger discipline ignored by Bad Lieutenant during Russian Roulette game

57. Bad Astronaut admits plans to fake Mars Landing

58. Bad Helicopter and Bad Astronaut framed by Bad Lieutenant for cocaine that has disappeared from evidence room

59. Bad Lieutenant promoted to Bad Captain by Bad Commissioner after proving bad enough to rescue Bad President


*Something Awful rules.

**You don't need to be familiar with Bad Lieutenant to appreciate the citations, but it makes it just a touch funnier if you have seen the film

Priorities Please, People

The interweb and the media are ablaze as America's sweetheart, Paris Hilton, ended her 45 day jail sentence after serving only 3 days of a reduced 23 day term. Or five days by the LA Sheriff's count, if you add the late night check-in Sunday and her early morning check-out Thursday. Fat, unshaven twenty-somethings blogging in their studio apartments and morning show DJs are incensed over her early dismissal for "medical reasons" and subsequent 40 day house arrest. Soon, water coolers everywhere will be buzzing about it.

Rather than waste your valuable time and mine pondering whether herpes is a valid medical excuse to leave prison, or if it was the only jail without a hospital facility, I want to try and beat the ennui backlash to the current outrage. And I suggest you do the same. What Paris, Britney, or Lindsay does is 100% unimportant, and the only reason to even dare spend time thinking about them is to mock and insult their stupidity. Getting drunk, having indiscriminate sex, dinging up your car -- that's not celebrity behavior...that was college. I'm all for schadenfreude, but that's the side dish, not the main course.

If you want some real outrage, get on board my anger wagon because they moved Deadwood season 3's release back a week at the last moment.

ps. If you must reflect on Miss Superstar Jailbird, the best place to do it is What Would Tyler Durden Do?. Even in you don't need to reflect on it, go to What Would Tyler Durden Do?.

Why The Classics Never Go Out Of Style

If you had a recording studio at your disposal, what would you do?

How about listen to and learn classic rock songs, strap on a pair of 30 db reducing headphones so you can't hear anything around you, and record your own version? Well, it's too late -- the Legion of Rock Stars is already taking the task in hand. Check out the sweet butchery of some of your favorite tunes synced, but really, un-synced to their videos.

You've Come A Long Way Baby

Finally, women have become equal to men. Equally gross.

In what is basically Jackass With Vaginas, a trio of hipster chicks pull stunts and show of all kinds of crude, unladylike behavior. For variety, they have blonde, brunette, and raven tressed Rad Girls, each uniquely quirky and sassy. From playing a shell game with a burrito filled with pubes to using fart spray in an elevator, the girls do their best to out-crass each other while giggling and smiling. And while they won’t be riding shopping carts into the curb at high speed or swilling animal jizzum, they’re doing what they can to be just like the boys. Well done ladies.

Married To The Sea

Yeah, it's a kinda slow blog month, especially compared to May Madness. Am I getting a life? Hardly. And while my vitriol is still percolating, rather than mouth off I'm going to throw out another great site for a laugh.

Married To The Sea is the child of two other cool daily webcomics, Toothpaste For Dinner and Natalie Dee, done respecively by the Ohio husband and wife duo of Drew and Natalie. They are rap lovin', meme quoting, culture-mocking freaks with two oafish but delightful dogs who make crudely generated art with brilliant subtext and the ocassional video or two. I don't think there's been a day since I started reading thier comics that there wasn't at least one of them that was funny each day. Try and beat that Charlie fucking Brown!

If you don't instantly find laughs and sick relevance to your own life, you're either dead or born without the gene for humor - or both.

Paul Is Dead Artistically

In the era of corporate crossovers and collaborative marketing, Starbucks has proven that not only folks will pay $2 for a 25¢ cup of coffee, but they'll fish another $15 out for a CD if they don't get a banana nut scone.

The latest disc to take up counter space is the fantastic new album from Paul McCartney. Fantastically over-hyped and needless. Memory Almost Full is a wasteful reminiscing by Paul McCartney's in an attempt to be insightful as he heads into the twilight. The album is also the first release by Starbucks on their Hear Music label, hence their dedication to pumping units out to caffeine addicts. Songs from the disc will be played on continuous loop throughout the day at all Starbucks locations, likely as a punishment to everybody who wishes Paul stopped after Let It Be.

Starbucks entertainment division president Ken Lombard stated, "Once we heard the album ... we just knew this was a phenomenal record. It's such a reflection of his life and his career, I mean, the ups and downs and the recognition of really what a remarkable journey it has been. So it was really for us the perfect fit."

Take a moment to breathe that in.

Okay, once you get past the fact a coffee company has an entertainment division, look at the idiotic nonsense el presidente says. What ups and downs is he talking about? The struggle of being in the biggest band in the world? Having three separate successful musical endeavours? Marring both a photography heiress and a model? Having more money than he can ever spend in his life? And honestly, how does that reflect so much of Starbucks that its the "perfect fit" for them? I hope he gets crushed under a coffee bean avalanche for being a typical corporate marketing stooge.

I wonder what Danita McGuiness is going to do. She was a cute neo-hippie in high school who loved the Beatles and the environment, and I wonder if her green ways will stall her at the door of Starbucks, or if she'll muster up the strength to weather the corporate atmosphere and get her beloveds new disc. I think there was a Twilight Zone episode with the same premise.

Musical Neuter III – Eyeliner Edition

If being awful was in proportion to the amount of MAC black ultra thin # 6 a band wore, these would be the most terrible sounding raccoons in the business. But take away the makeup and…well, I think it doesn’t change when you do that either.

Good Charlotte

On the cover of the goth-by-numbers coloring books are these dopes. The word is that they took their name from a kids novel about girls at an orphanage, which is the lamest, most weak story about coming up with a name. Steely Dan was a horrific vibrator from Naked Lunch, so the name gets double cred for being twisted and from a great book, but these pussies copped the worst of the worst, and if I recall correctly there's only at least a million books to choose from.

Fronted by twin sissies Joel and Benji (nice spelling) Madden, they bought up as much black "punk" clothing at Hot Topic as they could to look "hard", and had their sleeves done...although the ink is still drying, so don't smudge those "hardcore" designs. Pop music as it is is fine, but any attempt to beef it up just lands you crap like this band as a result. No metal band would dress in a pink tutu, but wannabe rockers who want an edge try to "get heavy", and for some reason use a lot of Old English fonts on things. Best of all, they are even a joke in the industry, and I have yet to find an interview where another musician gives them any props. Why? Because scientists have yet to build a machine to measure their incredible suckitude.

Typical Female Fan: girls with eating disorders, Hot Topic shoppers, junior high students

Typical Male Fan: guys who like BMX, posers, those douchebag Gotti boys

Musical Opposite: Tool – equal parts brute strength and emotional vulnerability with a progressive, artistic edge

AFI

These guys have been around for a while, and in all that time still haven't figured out their gender issues. The name AFI has been reconfigured several time, but they currently claim it means A Fire Inside. Like, the burning, aching fire of perhaps...gonorrhea, the kind you get from using a glory hole in West Hollywood. I was too young to know any better when Boy George came on the scene, but these days my tranny radar is fairly adept. And god bless all those wonderful pansexual folks and the bland music they make. I guess consistency is important, because every song is like the depressive wailing of broken-hearted manchild.

The secret to selling records is not to sound good or have talent, but to find a look and sell that. And when AFI became more mall-friendly, their popularity rose. I see any number of kids sitting in the food court living their look, but I guarantee they knock that shit off when they get home and put on a t shirt and sweatpants like everyone else, including these fellas. In high school, this kid Russ insisted everyone call him Boy, which I bet didn't last past the minute Russ got home and Boy was left outside. But what he and AFI have in common is bound to be plenty of notebooks full of lame, Neil Gaiman-inspired poetry...aside from an aversion to sunlight.

Typical Female Fan: fat goth Latinas, Suicide Girls, KROQ listeners

Typical Male Fan: bi-curious boys, teenagers who work at Subway, Rocky Horror Picture Show participants

Musical Opposite: The Melvins – somewhere between the hardest rock and metal sludge is where they reside, like Black Sabbath on Quaaludes

Fall Out Boy

The least gothic of the bunch, these alterna-popsters still use a load of eye makeup. Bridging the divide between wimp and pansy, Fall Out Boy are too happy to be decked out in goth garb and too peppy musically to breach the rock barrier. Fall Out Boy is the musical equivalent of that book at Supercuts with all the trendy hairdos -- nothing you'd ever consider, but somehow, stupidly on lots of folks. I suspect that most of their music is listened to by kids who've digested a pound of raw sugar and have started flailing and foaming at the mouth, because they're tolerable only past the point of seizure.

What's also notable is that the bassist is the most visible dork in the bunch, and not just because he's flaunted his dork. Fall Out Boy's singer must be such a cowering ninny that hyper-boy had to launch his ADD routine just so nobody wondered what his problem was. They call you the lead singer because you're supposed to, I don't know, lead the band or something. Never mind my criticism -- they're triple winners last year from the Teen Choice Awards! Clearly, the credible and sage-like teens of our country have spoken, and who are we to question them?

Typical Female Fan: girls who keep diaries, the waitress you want to hit on at that restaurant, VH1 viewers

Typical Male Fan: guys who shop at A+F, hairdressers, bar mitzvah aged boys

Musical Opposite: Refused – aggressive and angular post-hardcore that paved the way for later successes like At The Drive In and The Bronx

My Chemical Romance

This generation never had to endure the horror of Meatloaf, but there's a new threat looming, and it is My Chemical Romance. Operatic, theatrical rock is fine if you're a mustached and flamboyant showman like Freddie Mercury, but a quintet of Jersey boys who want to ape the spirit of A Clockwork Orange mixed with 80's new wave, and look like the marching band from Hell's patio doesn't come across too well. They are barely into their career and they already take themselves too seriously as musicians. It took Green Day a decade before they acted like they were as important to the world as they thought they were in their heads, but these clowns are on the fast track. Unless you're 70's era Rush, you don't get to make concept albums. Here's a concept - don't be a shitty band.

And now, my favorite tale of disgust towards their sad bombast. Word is they had to follow Slayer at a festival, and the reaction was less than warm. apparently, large sections of the audience threw bacon, tangerines, golf balls, and bottles filled with urine at the group as they played. Where they got bacon and golf balls, who knows, but that rules.

Typical Female Fan: chunky teens, Toyota Corolla drivers, girls with bad tattoos

Typical Male Fan: band geeks, people who don’t know Queen exists, adult comic book readers

Musical Opposite: The Ramones – there’s no concept albums here, unless you count straight up 4-on-the-floor rock and roll in every song that way

30 Seconds To Mars

If you've ever asked yourself, why can't there be a glossy, polished band with gothic rock and pop flair fronted by an actor who doesn't need a secondary career, look no further! Jared Leto must have taken somebody too literally and created a band to showcase his ability to not have to work on films and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe it was me. Okay Jared, point taken. You can do spacey alterna-rock if you like, but please don't. You're just feeding the stereotype that actors in bands only stand out and get deals because of their celebrity. Right, Keanu?

30 Seconds To Mars is is unnecessary. Dreamy, but unnecessary. Whoops, hard to focus on taking them seriously because it smacks of a vanity project, and sounds like one. Is this some kind of retaliation for Marky Mark stepping out into the acting world? What is the point? To play derivative music when you can do anything you want doesn't make much sense, but then again, you had those cornrows in Panic Room, so I guess there's my answer.

Typical Female Fan: girls who’ve taken pictures for a modeling portfolio, fans of My So Called Life, whoever’s dating Jared Leto

Typical Male Fan: “actors” who wait tables, junior executives in Hollywood, guys who are mistaken for girls

Musical Opposite: System Of A Down – no pretty boys, just four freaky looking Armenians who set Zappa-like cartoon changes against a metal background

6/29

Let the hype begin!

The official roll out date for the next generation cell phone has arrived in time for all the little boys and girls to stash their pennies and paychecks. Apple looks to attack the cell phone market with their Cingular / AT&T exclusive iPhone, which features no keypad and a touch sensitive screen. Also bundled with web browsing features and texting is the omnipresent iTunes software which powers their sickly successful iPod line.

Purposefully, I have avoided Apple products for years because of their insistence on trying to set themselves apart from the rest of their competitors on style alone. Thinking differently, as they suggested, as turned into thinking similarly, as isolating and cornering a small, non growing market would have been business suicide -- but they want you to think that you're different and unique for using their products. There are plenty of companies that also make computers and media players - and better ones I might add, but none of them are as well marketed as Apple. Me, I'm happy to be in the minority who doesn't have an iPod, but damn if this phone doesn't look like the coolest piece of technology that you thought you'd only see in a movie. Of course, they are going to be challenged by other companies with their own versions of the iPhone, but like the phenomenon of the iPod, this is going to be the standard setting device for it's field.

Expect them to sell out quickly despite the $499 and $599 price tags, but don't be one of those folks.

The first few generations of any product is going to be chalk full of problems and instabilities, and for something as vital as a cell phone, that's not a piece of equipment you want to be taking chances on it working properly. Sure, they tested and checked it out, but remember how many injuries and broken items came from the Wii controller when it came out? Or how unstable prior iTunes programs were? Also, for such a high priced item, it's a terribly risky thing to have -- think about how many times you've heard somebody lost or dropped their phone, or you've done it yourself.

DVD players used to be several hundred dollars, and now you can get a decent one for about $50, and it does three times as many things. The iPhone will eventually follow that same direction be less expensive -- the key is not needing to be on the bleeding edge of any trend. But if any of you suckers do get one, I want to see it.

Good Morning, Paris!

Enjoy your stay...

Some Things Transcend The Language Barrier

Genießen sie das wochenende meine luscious und loyalen nachfolger!

Laughter (In Synchronicity) All The Way To The Bank

Before there was a new age tantric salesman for imported sports cars, a meticulous film composer, and a living missing persons report, they were known as The Police. Amidst great hoopla and even greater ticket prices, the dysfunctional trio is hitting the road for the first time in two decades, and I'm happy to say I did not buy into the hype.

While there is surely some tongue-in-cheekiness, the comments on drummer Stewart Copeland's website lead me to believe I made a wise fiscal choice. Here are some of his reflections on their Vancouver show:

"This is unbelievably lame. We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea."

"So we are half a bar out of sync with each other. Andy is in Idaho."

"The big pompous opening to the show is a damp squib."

"The mighty Sting momentarily looks like a petulant pansy instead of the god of rock."

"And so it goes, for song after song, with Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic and Don't Stand So Close To Me reduced to ruin."

"It usually takes about four or five shows in a tour before you get to the disaster gig. But we're The Police so we are a little ahead of schedule."

I was very happy to get their Message In A Box set and have a comprehensive collection of all their albums, but like some many bands that sadly reach the end of their term, their reunion does not spark excitement or interest from me in spite of my appreciation of their reggae infused rock. After listening to their songs for so long, a live show doesn't seem like the tonic. But even with my $250 safe from the promoters and the Police, millions have already spent on filling those seats, so there's little harm to them admitting there was too much time marketing and not enough practicing. I'm sure all the excitement of having their wallets flushed out will override any critical response by attendees, so I try to remember their real glory days.

Synchronicity II


Every Breath You Take


Don't Stand So Close To Me


Spirits In The Material World

Dr. Death Is Free

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, after serving eight years for assisting with a suicide, or as the government called it "second degree murder", was freed today from prison.

Earning time off for good behavior, the 79 year old was convicted in 1998 of murder after injecting lethal drugs into a man suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease.

By his own count, Kevorkian assisted in over 130 suicides, which except under specific circumstances only in Oregon, is illegal as hell. A fervent and outspoken advocate of patient rights, Dr. Kevorkian still feels people have the right to die, although he does not intend to facilitate or participate in any suicides now that he is out of prison.

David Cross and Bill Hicks have both addressed the stupid, selfish mentality of those who refuse to allow people -- total strangers, mind you -- chose to die with some dignity and not be forced to suffer painfully until their final gasp, and they are 100% correct. If you're in terminal pain, nobody should be able to keep you around any longer than you can bear because they feel it supports their beliefs (yes, those wacky religious folks again). Life is precious, but being reduced to a constant state of pain equals no quality of life, and that's the point. If people don't want the option and want to wring out every last painful moment, good for them, but leave the choice up to the person.

Besides, look at that picture...it's like getting hooked up to Mr. Rodgers suicide machine -- what's so bad about that?