Fear Of A Swine Planet

What's the only thing more troubling than belief in the doomsday predictions of the schlockbuster 2012? The incredible paranoia and hysteria from the H1N1 superplague!

First, there's the lack of vaccines.

The Harvard School of Public Health determined only about a third of adults who have tried to get a swine flu vaccine have been able to get it, according to their national poll. That includes people are at extra risk for severe complications and would be at the front of the line. The numbers are about the same for parents who tried to get the vaccine for their higher-risk children. Swine flu vaccine has been available in the United States for about a month, but supplies have been limited because of "manufacturing delays", which is flies in the face of the boasts earlier in the year of massive production.

The telephone poll also found that half of those who tried couldn't find information about where to get the vaccine. Swine flu is widespread in 48 states, officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said, and that 129 children have died from swine flu complications since the virus was first identified in April - though more children die from any number of hazards from choking to drowning to, well, everything else. The government does not keep a close count of all swine flu deaths, but estimates the number is above 1,000. Many millions of Americans have been infected with the virus, though most suffered only mild illness, health officials say. So out of 300 million plus people here, around 0.000003762% died? You have a better chance of getting a winning lottery ticket while being stuck by lightning during a shark attack .

But let's assume for the sake of this silly argument that H1N1 is a "big deal"...wanna know how you're getting screwed?

Senior health officials in the Alberta (Canada, eh) fired an unidentified worker for giving National Hockey League players preferential access to the H1N1 flu vaccine. In their defense, hockey is a great sport.

The controversy boiled over this week when it was revealed that players for the NHL's Calgary Flames and their families received shots on an exclusive basis one day before the province closed public flu clinics due to a shortage of the vaccine. "Our policies on vaccine distribution are designed to ensure an equitable distribution of the vaccine to all Albertans," Alberta Health Services Chief Executive Stephen Duckett said in a statement. And, "Go Flames!*"

"*The special treatment for the Flames and their families is unacceptable to us and contrary to all of our existing protocols and processes. I apologize for this breach of our duty to Albertans."

The health agency said it was continuing its investigation and more disciplinary action could be taken. This flap over the Flames topped a chaotic several days for mass vaccination in the province of 3.5 million residents that started with hours-long queues at makeshift clinics and ended with the abrupt halt to H1N1 shots when far more people than expected showed up for them. The Alberta authority said it would restart shots for higher-risk people such as young children and pregnant women, but it will keep vaccine from the general public for now.

Closer to home, some of New York's biggest criminals swindlers thieving scumbags companies, including Wall Street giants Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, received doses of swine flu vaccine for at-risk employees. Do ya think it drew criticism that the hard-to-find vaccine is going first to the privileged? Shit yes!

Hospitals, universities and the Federal Reserve Bank also got doses of the vaccine for employees who need it the most, again citing the "pregnant women or chronically ill workers". You know what? Fuck chronically ill workers - they're already sick.

In order to receive the vaccine, companies had to have their own politician in their pocket medical staff. But critics correctly said Wall Street firms should not have access to the vaccine before less wealthy Americans. "Vaccines should go to people who need them most, not people who happen to work on Wall Street," Democratic Sen. Chris Dodd of Connecticut said. "Wall Street banks have already taken so much from us. They've taken trillions of our tax dollars. They've taken away people's homes who are struggling to pay the bills," Service Employees International Unionofficial John VanDeventer added. "But they should not be allowed to take away our health and well-being."

50 employers in New York City have received the vaccine so far. Besides Goldman Sachs and Citigroup, they include Time Inc. and hospitals such as Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. Goldman Sachs has received 200 doses, and Citigroup has received 1,200, health officials said. Morgan Stanley received 1,000 doses of the vaccine for its New York and suburban offices, but the company turned over its entire supply to local hospitals when it learned it received shipments before some area hospitals.

I never get a seasonal flu shot, because I will kick that flu's ass with my own body defenses. And I wholeheartedly agree with the master, George Carlin (audio here):

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody's running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell AND be sick. Fear of germs, why these fuckin' pussies. You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now 'cause everyone's afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin' chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, that's all, its a minor risk.

Take a fuckin' chance bunch of goddamn pussies.Besides, what d'ya think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice, it needs germs to practice on. So if you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit?! I'll tell you what your gonna do ... you're gonna get sick. You're gonna die and your gonna deserve it because you're fucking weak and you got a fuckin' weak immune system!

Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok. When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

So personally I never take any precautions against germs. I don't shy away from people who sneeze and cough. I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor I pick it up and eat it! Even if I'm at side walk cafe! IN CALCUTTA! THE POOR SECTION! ON NEW YEARS MORNING DURING A SOCCER RIOT! And you know something? In spite of all the so called "risky behavior "....I never get infections. I don't get em. I don't get colds, I don't get flu, I don't get headaches, I don't get upset stomach, And you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system! And it gets a lot of practice!

My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs and anti personnel fragmentation mines.

So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON'T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There's no nonsense! There's no Miranda warning, there's none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!