Autoshitter

Ged Galvin (55) now uses a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet. Yes, he will be hogging that remote.

He almost died when an off-duty police officer pulled out in front of him in her car (women drivers!). Galvin suffered massive internal injuries and had to be fitted with a colostomy bag until surgeons at the Royal London Hospital could perform the complex operation to rebuild his bottom. The medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves. These techniques were previously employed by the CIA for interrogations.

The nerves and electrodes are operated by a palm-sized remote control. “It’s like a chubby little mobile phone,” he said, giving a horrible new meaning to "shitty reception". Galvin added, “You switch it on and off, just like switching on the TV," except instead of changing channels, it's always set to episodes of Real Chance Of Love 2 - pure shit.

“They call me the man with the bionic bottom, but that doesn’t bother me. My gratitude to the surgeons is endless because what they have done is a miracle.” And that little miracle he resigned him to having the muscles in his bionic bottom replaced every five years, but hey, he can still schedule his craps, so that's what matters.