Hump Day Headlines

It's the middle of the week, but there's always news to be had!

Jail Guard Was Wanted By Interpol - They're a decent enough band, but do they really need a whole prisoner restraint section with them? Maybe for touring purposes?

Rosie O'Donnell Hints At Possible Split With Partner Kelli Carpenter - It's possible she's talking about a sandwich, but it's unlikely that she would share her food.

Man Staged Nearly 100 Car Crashes In Cash Scam - And no, it wasn't Adrian Sutil (oooh, obscure F1 joke for three people in the audience).

FBI: Most Wanted Fugitive Had Plastic Surgery - He's a little harder to recognize these days. And he's got a great pair of new tits.

Carnie Wilson Goes ‘Unstapled’ For Reality Series - Carnivore Wilson shouldn't go un-anything, unless it's unseen and unheard.

Latinos May Be 'Future' Of U.S. Catholic Church - I get it that 1 in 7 is named Jesus or Maria, but why else? Molester uncles good for priesthood? Lack of birth control use fits with the gospel?

Feds Limit Prosecution For Medical Marijuana - Perfect timing! I was going to have to add anxiety to my glaucoma.

What You Don’t Know Might Kill You - I guess we're going to have to read this story, since it's so nebulous yet deadly.

Darren Statt Moves From UTA To CAA - And he's taking Ryan Reynolds and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson with him! Less people care about this than my Sutil joke.

Guinea: Rape Fails To Silence Women - Well clearly, they are not raping them hard enough. Put your hips into it. And your fists.

Hulk Hogan Considered Suicide After Breakup - He was going to participate in the Summer Slam steel cage 20 man battle royal without reading the fight script. Dangerous!

E-Books Are Cool, But They Have Drawbacks. For One Thing, They're Exactly Like Hitler - Wait, e-books want to exterminate the Jews? And are planning to roll through Poland on their way to conquer Europe?

World’s Dumbest Man Just Lost His Job - Wait, George W. Bush was working somewhere since he left the presidency?

Wiseman, Who Played Villain In 1962 'Dr. No,' Dies - When asked about his chances, his doctors said they expect him to die.

Poland To Accept New US Missile Defense Shield - But they had to be told it was a frozen banana stand. Man, are they going to be disappointed if they ever figure it out.

Coed Vanishes From Metallica Concert - But it was not during their performance of I Disappear.

Chinese Woman Sets 200 Butterfly World Record - I believe that was in the 200m butterfry. Congraturations!

ESPN Analyst Phillips In 'Fatal Attraction' Scandal - Rough year at ESPN...Erin Andrews gets her naked self videotaped, and then this putz is bangin' crazy young chicks on the staff.

Michael Buble Used To Be 'Terrible' - Now he's just just plain 'fucking horrible'.

Feds: Man Planned Terror Attacks On U.S. Malls - He was going to take up two parking spaces, take more than four items in the dressing room, and hog the table in the food court.

New Black Barbies Get Mixed Reviews - Some girls think she's a nappy ho, but others consider her a skank-ass biatch. Ghetto Ken did not fair much better.

Canada Police Said Negotiating Over Hostages - "Hey, we got some beer and maple syrup, eh. So...how's aboot letting them go, okay."

NASA Scientist Accused Of Being A Spy - This is a huge improvement from when he was accused of being a virgin.

Out Of LSD? Just 15 Minutes Of Sensory Deprivation Triggers Hallucinations - Totally awesome news, though coinsidentally, 15 minutes of LSD triggers sensory deprivation.

Executives Of Bailed-Out Firms May Get Pay Slashed - And depending on where they are and who they wronged, their throats too.

FX's 'Sunny In Philadelphia' Reruns Go For Big Bucks - No joke to be made here, unless you want to compare crap like Two And A Half men to it. This show deserves every good thing that happens to it.

This City's Men Dubbed Nation's 'Ugliest' - The ladies want to pass on El Paso. Note to self: move to El Paso, start harem, become city's most in demand man. Worth watching for the reporter wearing a bag on his head alone.

Jon Gosselin Wants Big Money For Appearances - Unless it's $0.75 for three balls and the chance to hit the target at the dunk tank, don't hold your breath buddy. And if it is, also don't hold your breath.

Sarah Palin And Oprah Winfrey Are Meeting - C'mon big O, punch that stupid bitch out! She said you were made of nougat. Them's fightin' (albeit true) words!

The 20 Worst Kids’ Foods In America - How are brussel sprouts not on this list? This is a farce. A farce!

AP Newsbreak: 1st Sweat Lodge Survivor Speaks Out - "It was hot."

'Sex Map' Reveals Erotic-Spending Trends By City - San Francisco number one again for anal beads and lube? Duh!

Insiders Favored For LAPD Chief, Sources Say - Damn it! I was soooo hoping to get the job. What was it? My lack of experience?

Rocker Battles Breast Cancer - The drummer from Kiss? Man, I always though that was a ladyboy band, but that may prove it.

49ers' Crabtree Gearing Up For NFL Debut - I don't know how she made the jump from Little Rascals teacher to football, but I support her.