Presidential Brew

In keeping with scraping the bottom of the journalistic barrel, The Associated Press hit the 2008 presidential candidates hard with inquiries into what they put in their coffee.

Let the suspense not kill you. Here's the results (and my wry asides):

DEMOCRATS
New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: sometimes black, sometimes with cream
(Just the way that Bill takes his bitches -- and what coffee additive explains Monica Lewinsky?)

Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards: doesn't drink it
(All aboard the boring express. I bet he has milquetoast for breakfast.)

Illinois Sen. Barack Obama: black, but rarely drinks it
(You bet your ass Obama takes it black! Always bet on black!)

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: Cream
(You'd never guess the man who takes cream but outlawed cockfighting in New Mexico only earlier this year -- I can't!)

REPUBLICANS
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: Splenda, Sweet'n Low or Equal, whichever is available
(He'll take whatever's available, OKAY? He's been married three times.)

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: Splenda
(Leave it to the candidate with the goofiest name to use the goofiest named sweetner. Goofball.)

Arizona Sen. John McCain: cappuccino or coffee with cream and sugar
(Oh, you consumate outsider - you had to throw cappuccino in there, did ya?)

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: doesn't drink it, has been known to have hot chocolate
(Mormons are from Mars. It is a fact.)

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson: cream
(Cue raunchy comment about his young wife.)