If It's A Boy, 2-to-1 They Name Him Damien

Oh you precious celebutant and hack musician!

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden launched The Richie Madden Children’s Foundation at the Los Angeles Free Clinic in Hollywood, showering 100 expectant mothers with over $200,000 worth of baby gifts, while basking in the the glow of their PR handiwork.

"The looks on their faces were priceless," Richie told reporters after the shower. "Some of them didn't even believe us [when they saw the gifts]. They thought we were joking."

Well, why wouldn't they? You have no discernable talent other than playing a pull toy to Paris Hilton and your baby daddy has the musical skill of a guitar stand. Two marginal celebrities like them walking into the LA Free Clinic must have looked like an episode of Punk'd to the people there.

The Richie Madden Children's Foundation was an idea the couple had when they found out they were expecting. Drinking Draino was one of my when I heard the news. "We grew up in Los Angeles," he said, "and we want our child to be a part of the community, and to know that there's a responsibility to help the community."

If you really want to help the community, abort your child and then treat us to a thrilling murder-suicide. I couldn't be any less happy for a newborn child to be hatched born than this future hellspawn. Scientists will no doubt be interested to study the first skank-douchebag hybrid offsping.