PS8

If the Sony PlayStation 3 continues to lose ground commercially, it may find new life in the realm of science and research.

Right now, a cluster of eight interlinked PS3s is busy solving a celestial mystery involving gravitational waves and what happens when a super-massive black hole, about a million times the mass of our own sun, swallows up a star. And that's not a multi-player on-line game.

Dr. Gaurav Khanna is employing his so-called "gravity grid" of PS3s to help measure these theoretical gravity waves -- ripples in space-time that travel at the speed of light -- that Einstein's Theory of Relativity predicted would emerge when such an event takes place.

The PS3 is ideal for doing precisely the kind of heavy computational lifting Khanna requires for his project, and the fact that it's a relatively open platform makes programming scientific applications feasible.

The console's Cell processor, co-developed by Sony, IBM and Toshiba, can deliver massive amounts of power, comparable even to that of a supercomputer -- as long as you know how to optimize code and have a few extra consoles lying around that you can string together. Khanna says that his gravity grid has been up and running for a little over a month now and that, crudely speaking, his eight consoles are equal to about 200 of the supercomputing nodes he used to rely on.

"Basically, it's almost like a replacement," he says. "I don't have to use that supercomputer anymore, which is a good thing -- and for the same amount of money I can do these runs indefinitely."

Researchers have tried similar tests on the Nintendo Wii, but stopped because swinging that controller around like a fairy is embarrassing.

Victoria's Spice

"Spice Girls: Greatest Hits" -- that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.

Once known for bringing lingerie to the mall and giving men a modern reason to jerk off to a catalog, Victoria's Secret turns the corner on it's legacy and is now catering to the tween crowd. They will be the only place selling the album in the U.S. come mid-November, both at stores and on the company's website.

The disc will be available nationwide Jan. 15 -- mark your calendars for that one!

In turn, the group will appear at the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show, set to air in December, and conveniently as they begin their reunion tour in North America.

The same girls that buy and lounge about in thier PINK label sweatpants are going notice to the album, but not many others. Of course, that's what the stores are moving towards, with activewear and day pajamas for the college freshman and license-less set. There was a time that just the name Victoria's Secret could turn you on, triggering thoughts of silk nighties and lace bustiers. Now, they have matching scented lotions and t-shirt lines, and anything remotely sexy is hidden in a corner in the back. The only dirty thing in the store now is me, also in a corner in the back.

As Goes Best Buy, So Goes The Nation

Best Buy, the nation's largest consumer electronics chain says it has pulled all analog televisions off store shelves, replacing them with flat panel and high-definition screens. The true dawn of the digital age is nigh.

Beginning in February 2009, broadcasters plan to stop transmitting analog signals, although people with older sets can still get programming via special converter boxes, set-top box or direct satellite. More than 60 million U.S. households currently rely on an antennas or analog cable. Cable operators are required to guarantee their customers will receive broadcast channels until February 2012, after which point you either get with the program or wait it out in the dark.

Surprisingly, the government will be making available coupons that can be used to buy converter boxes. Best Buy will sell coupon-eligible converter boxes starting early next year as part of their no-Luddite-left-behind program. No word on Radio Shack's plans, but expect them to continue to stock their do-it-yourself television building kit.

Even though picture quality and signal strength is on the rise through digital, programming on a whole will still suck. Coming soon, the best looking worst shows.

Dios Delicioso!

The bible foretold of his return, and now Jesus is back. Chocolate Jesus, that is.

"My Sweet Lord" is an anatomically correct milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ returning to a Chelsea art gallery at this month's end.

Artist Cosimo Cavallaro said he expects the public exhibit to proceed this time without a problem.

"There is nothing offensive about this," Cavallaro said of his controversial confectionery work. "If my intentions were to offend, if I did do something wrong, I wouldn't be doing this. But I didn't do anything wrong." It is a little known rule, but anything done in chocolate is automatically acceptable -- way to know your obscure legalities!

The last show was criticized for its timing and its location. The exhibit, in a gallery visible to passers-by on a Manhattan street, was set to open one day after Palm Sunday and four days before Christians marked the crucifixion of Christ on Good Friday.

The new exhibit will be accompanied by a set of chocolate Catholic icons also created by Cavallaro, including the Virgin Mary and saints Francis, Augustine, Michael, Jude, Anthony and Fermin. The Jesus sculpture is also a new version, created with 200 pounds of chocolate over three days. The original was stored in a Brooklyn facility where mice nibbled away at its hands, ears, nose and feet, forcing Cavallaro to toss the original and recast the sculpture.

Rather than work the Christian canon, I hope that Cavallaro moves onto other religions. Who wouldn't like a green tea mint chocolate Buddha, or a white chocolate Vishnu? Maybe he can also do some whacked out cults too. Xenu would be delicious and those Heaven's Gate guys would have light and dark chocolate stripes on their track suits.

Who Cares?

These two politically related stories (and I use the word political with the lightest touch) prove not only what a slow news week it's been, but also the lengths to which the media will go to take anything and give it column space. Here we go...

The widow of 1992 presidential candidate Paul Tsongas defeated the brother of an American Airlines pilot who died in the Sept. 11 attacks Tuesday in a special election for the U.S. House.

Holy who gives a shit! Take a look again:

The widow of a presidential candidate from 15 years ago defeated the brother of an airline pilot who died in the Sept. 11 attacks for a seat in the U.S. House Of Representatives.

Even with the unnecessary extra detail, the story still is, well, unnecessary. Want more?

The harpy that lays with the devil, one Lynne Cheney, added another uncomfortable branch to the family tree. Evil Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are distant cousins. Eighth to be exact.

And...?

Yeah, and nothing, because it's so stupidly unimportant. That pitchfork wielding lord of darkness has already been blessed with a lesbian daughter, is a black cousin going to make the irony sweeter? No.

guess who's coming to dinner?

The common ancestor was Mareen Devall, a 17th century immigrant from France. I'm sure there's plenty of other folks who spring up on that timeline, but none of them had so little going on in their lives that the only news to report was their relationship. At most you are 52nd cousin to anyone -- genealogist and social scientists did the checking and scientific crap and that's what they figured out. There, I demystified the whole thing and made you feel special because now you're related to me.

As a reward for putting up with such useless political garbage, I give you something to get patriotic about - anytime you get turned off by American politics and the surrounding bullshit, just watch this clip and your mojo will return.

from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (go watch it!)

Tiger's Milk

What does Tiger Woods taste like?

Now, you can find out what only his wife should know, as Gatorade prepares to market three drinks. Apparently, the Thai / African-American golf sensation tastes like cherry blend, citrus blend or grape, and you'll be able to pick your favorite when they hit shelves in March.

While the greatest golfer ever has whored his name and likeness for plenty of products worldwide, this is his first U.S. deal with a beverage company and his first licensing agreement.

"Gatorade Tiger" could pay Woods as much as $100 million over the five year deal, and as a show of their commitment and faith in their prized faceplate, Gatorade let the man decide the flavors of his titular drinks...with heavily steered market research and testing, mind you.

"Gatorade has been part of my game plan for years, whether I'm training or competing, so this is an ideal match," Woods said in a statement prepared by an agent or some other person who gets a piece of his worth. "I'm eager to launch my first signature product in a few months and look forward to developing additional sports performance beverages with Gatorade in the coming years."

The company upped the promotional ante with video of Woods going through sweat analysis testing with the prestigious Gatorade Sports Science Institute, which tested such things as his sweat rate and energy needs during exercise. That's about as scientific as that owl from the Tootsie Roll commercial. Maybe they ought to run paralysed football player Kevin Everett through some therapeutic Gatorade baths. I hear Lemon-Lime and Fierce Melon would be the best.

The Result Of Years Of Heroin Use

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have been pretty irrelevant for the last ten years to me, namely to do with the overplaying of their albums and the fact that the last three releases compound the issue by sounding exactly the same. It's been like listening to one giant mediocre song for a decade.

And while their music has little surprise or life left in it, I like the wild touches singer Anthony Keidis adds to his personal life. Like hooking up with a twenty year old when he's nearly midway into his forties. Or that he knocked her up. Well done sir! I won't suggest dating a girl half your age and putting a baby in her is at all a sign of a midlife crisis. And while Sarah Silverman is correct that the best time to get pregnant is when you're a black teenager, Miss Barely Twenty came a close second with her terrific life plan.

But beyond the awesome cliche of their age difference of his fame and her nothingness is the continued willingness of famous people to have children who they wish to condemn to a life of ridicule and shame.

Their new son is named Everly Bear.

“It came to me by way of the Everly Brothers, which is one of my favorite bands,” he said, while mother Heather Christie “came up with Bear. That made sense to me because he’s from me and I feel like I’m part of the bear clan.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

This is what happens when you shoot up and OD while Clan Of The Cave Bear is on in the background. Okay manimal, you're a bear and your lovely baby momma was clever enough to see it and point it out -- let's go with that story. The kid is going to hate the Everly Brothers music and his parents for such a goofy name, but you already knew that.

If any ladies out there want to spawn me a child, I'm game. The plan is simple: have the kid, and then have our kid beat up their kid. I know what you're thinking, that perhaps my child is going to be a wussie too. I guarantee that little Blood Stormhammer will be nothing of the sort. And you ought to hear the names I've got planned if it's a boy.

Things We Lost In The Fire

It just seems fitting that on the one year anniversary of my current job, all the contracts and client folders on my computer are officially irretrievable. This is the worst possible scenario stemming from last week's black thumb of tech blight.

So not only is every single contract, spreadsheet, shipping template, and bill of lading of mine dust, but all the ones on there from before my time are gone too. I lost pretty much everything.

Are tears appropriate at this time? Now that I'm starting from scratch at work, don't count on too many posts forthcoming, or at least until the shock wears off...

Dr. Boobs, D.D.S.

A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Yeah, good luck pal. I tried to argue that taking my pants off at the topless bar was also an appropriate procedure , but I still got thrown out.

Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem. Dental journals like Mouth Magazine and All Oral Honeys, right? During recorded phone calls, police say Anderson routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, aka TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

Currently, the strategy is to uphold the dental license while disciplinary appeals proceed. All clients would be supervised by two assistants and the dentist would no longer do the chest rubs. Additionally, the good doctor needs to keep seeing patients so he can feed his seven children and pay for his defense. Seven kids? Grabs the boobies? Hmmm. Not terribly surprised.

Prosecutors are investigating complaints from more than two dozen women who say they also were groped in the examining chair in the last five years. My favorite was a woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years. She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, but according to the police report, Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra. I've got to give the doctor credit for not letting obstacles get in his way, and wonder why after, oh, let's say the third fondling, Miss Tits didn't just look up another toothman. It's that damn HMO, isn't it?

We know that doctors molesting patients is nothing new, but this does now open the door to revive the maligned art of dentistry pron.

Endorsement Engorgement

Give meeeeee your votes and moneeeeeey!

Presidential candidate John Edwards received the endorsement of the Iowa State Council of the Service Employees International Union. Can his day get any better?

"This endorsement reflects Senator Edwards' lifelong commitment to standing up for working Americans like the people he grew up with," said a senior campaign official, just moments before slamming his head back into Edwards ass for some serious tongue kissing. Relax and don't go so hard buddy, your job is safe...

Not to be outdone, Barack Obama picked up the endorsement of the Illinois Service Employees International Union.

Ooooh! The fight is on!

All of this stems from a statement last week by the national SEIU leaders, who said they would not endorse a candidate for the primary elections, letting its members make their decisions on a state-by-state basis.

Until this morning, I had never heard of the Service Employees International Union, though they claim to be the fastest growing in North America, boasting 1.9 million members. Along with the United Steelworkers, United Mine Workers of America, the United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners of America and the Transport Workers Union of America, Edwards is amassing an impressive number of groups who will tell their members how to vote, because nothing says freedom and democracy than direction for your suffrage.

Unions remind us not to vote your conscious or your heart, but to vote with your wallet, namely, the portion where your union dues come from. Unions can do good things for their members, but the thought of union managers and representatives makes me think of corruption and deceit. When you start talking about endorsements, how can you not imagine some Teamster telling Joe Worker how to vote...or else? Didn't anybody read Animal Farm?

So now every union can pipe up and show how important they are by picking a candidate, and if they happen to give enough money and have enough influence, they can ride a few favors out of their candidate, all under the perfectly innocent and honest framework of a law passed on their behalf. In the weeks to come there will be hundreds more names dropped in the political arena, attached like leeches to candidates, and all "helping" their members by doing the hard political decision making and thinking for them.

Let Her Decorate A Cell

Jurors in the trial of former Texas Southern University president Priscilla Slade said they could not decide if she misspent school funds to lavishly decorate her homes, resulting in a mistrial. Way to go, dumbasses.

The jury deliberated for four days before telling state District Judge Brock Thomas in a note Friday that "to continue deliberating would be of no benefit." And if you think that's overly dramatic, get a load of the rest.

"We have agonized over this. We have re-examined the evidence, some parts over and over, some parts line by line, in more detail than we ever expected or cared to, to thoroughly fulfill our duty. However, we cannot arrive at a unanimous verdict without doing violence to our consciences." Yet for all that serious hand-wringing, they couldn't pull it together and go for the guilty finding.

Slade, former president of TSU, could have been sentenced to life in prison if convicted. The charge - misapplication of fiduciary property with a value over $200,000. And who says crime isn't sexy?

Prosecutors accuse Slade of misspending more than $138,000 in TSU funds on landscaping for her homes, more than $100,000 in furniture and other home decorations and about $60,000 on a high-tech security system. They say she also illegally used school funds to pay for bar tabs, manicures, spa treatments and exercise classes. Slade's own defense attorney says the spending was done to improve the school's status and recruit donors. Not seeing anything that would have confused the jurors about innocence here.

Quintin Wiggins, described as Slade's "yes man" and accomplice, was sentenced to 10 years in prison in May for his part in the misspending and a trial is pending for one of two other TSU workers were indicted in the spending scandal.

The allegations against Slade coincided with reports that revealed a pattern of financial mismanagement at TSU and prompted Gov. Rick Perry to call for a state takeover of the university that was later put on hold. The nine-member board of regents resigned at Perry's request.

I can understand a half dozen ballots and almost two weeks of deliberating to get a hung jury and mistrial in the Phil Spector case, but this? Complicated blood splatter explanation, nearly a hundred testifying witnesses, and six times that many pieces of evidence make sense to me, but this is a simple fraud case with a simple outcome. Just on the info from the report on the trial alone I’m satisfied. Everybody involved has shown some degree of guilt, but miraculously Slade has emerged unscathed.

The only thing that could have made this more preposterous is if Atticus Finch and the Scopes Monkey Trial team helped the defense to personally give back massages to the jury. There’s just no goddamn way you can think that a jury trial is going to be just after this – if you can’t get simple trials like this right, forget the rest. That’s how I know there is no jury that is my peer.

Fuglumsky

Anna Chlumsky, who lamented death by bee sting in the sappy My Girl and is saddled with a name that would describe how she looks is getting married.

No big deal, and not too interesting, but when I saw the picture I paused because I had no idea that she was a transsexual. I’ve seen softer features on East German female weightlifters.

Life In The Shithouse

Sim Jae-Duck was born in a restroom and he plans to live and die in one. How’s that for goals?

The crapper in question is a 1.6 million dollar toilet-shaped house designed to promote his campaign for cleaner bathrooms worldwide. Billed as the world's one and only toilet house, Duck will mark the launch of his World Toilet Association and the house in November. Apart from two bedrooms and a pair of guestrooms, house features three deluxe toilets.

Sim's birth in a restroom was in line with traditional beliefs. There are Koreans with traditional beliefs that include toilet birth? I guess that’s what eating kim chi will do to people.

"Mayor Toilet”, as he was known while he was in office in Suweon, was driven to transform toilets into "clean and beautiful resting places imbued with culture". Public restrooms in the city were jazzed up with paintings, fresh flowers or even small gardens. The very closeted Sen. Craig can tell you that, while public restrooms are magical places, there ought not be anything else added to make them more welcoming. And you though too many people in a stall would only be an issue at swank nightclubs.

Crapquest is not without complications. Duck’s World Toilet Association might be seen to rival the World Toilet Organization, based in Singapore, but Sim has said the work of the two bodies will not overlap. I want to be there when they have the meeting that covers jurisdiction and stool types. It may be the only time you hear somebody utter with total seriousness, “We will concede stomach flu for the bidets in North America and Europe”.

On a personal note, if he’s serious about taking care of world sanitation and bathrooms, I suggest he start with Qualcomm Stadium. Many years ago I went to a hockey game and ate a pastrami sandwich which was a time bomb of sickness and food poisoning. The next morning when I got to Qualcomm for the Chargers-Raiders game, my guts were literally trying to run out of me. Tailgating in the parking lot, I ruled out the porta-potties on account of their vile odor and that they were clearly just plastic hoops above a cesspool. Inside, I thought I’d manage with their rest facilities, but the silver-and-black hooligans had left every toilet overflowing with urine and feces, and there was a half inch of wastewater on the floor. It was enough to kill the need to go for a couple of minutes, but that day I spent seven hours in gastro-intestinal pain until I could make it back to my friend’s place and a toilet that didn’t look like a leper’s mouth. The Raider Nation are animals…wild, disgusting animals, and are likely the cause of dysentery in third world countries.

Whole Brain Weekend

This is the Right Brain vs Left Brain test. Peep the instructions:

Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise? If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

I first saw it counter-clockwise, then it started going clockwise. Now I'm trying to get it to go back the other way. I can't verify the scientific merit or truth to it, but now you have something to do for the weekend.

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

Churchy Reading

The Knights Templar, like the Illuminati and the Freemason Society, has long enjoyed a mythic and mystic history of power and importance without having much in the way of proof or commonly known truth. Until now…

Straight out of the Vatican comes the publication of secret documents regarding the trial of the Knights Templar, including a long ignored parchment showing that Pope Clement V initially absolved the medieval order of heresy.

For those who don’t get your monthly conspiracy newsletter, know some history, or have yet to be awed by the mediocrity of The Da Vinci Code, here’s some background on the Templars.

The military order of the Poor Knights of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon was founded in 1118 in Jerusalem to protect pilgrims in the Holy Land after the First Crusade. They increased their military might and wealth, acquiring property throughout Europe and running a primitive banking system. After they left the Middle East with the collapse of the Crusader kingdoms, their power and secretive ways aroused the fear of European rulers and sparked accusations of corruption and blasphemy.

King Philip IV of France arrested and tortured Templar leaders in 1307 on charges of heresy and immorality, which has long been seen as a grab at their accumulated land and riches. When their Grand Master and his aides were burned at the stake in 1314, the surviving warrior-monks fled, though some were absorbed by other orders. Over the centuries, various groups have claimed to have descended from the Templars, and their legend has been attached to many unsubstantiated tales, including the Holy Grail.

So why all the fuss now? Did some young Templar children come to reclaim their birthrights and force the Vatican to remove the cloak of shame from their heritage? Is the church finally coming clean on history’s darker cover-ups? Could anybody not laugh seeing Tom Hanks’ goofy hairdo in that movie?

No.

The 300-page volume of records and church documents recently came out in a limited edition collection. Getting your mitts on one of those 799 copies will cost you $8,377. And you can thank the Scrinium publishing house, which prints documents from the Vatican’s secret archives. That’s a good racket to be in. Frightfully, I suspect they’ll sell the damn thing out, but considering the continuing wave of molestation settlements, why not get some money from Vatican, Inc. and whatever dumb saps will pony up such serious coin to have replicas of old church memos.

Quantum Security

A new "unbreakable" encryption method will be used to keep votes safe for citizens in the Swiss canton of Geneva in the upcoming election. Safe from folks who wish to overturn the peaceful, neutral nature of the country?

The encrypted election results will be sent to the capital on Oct. 21 via fiber-optic link. The photons will relay 62 miles from computer to receiver, and if attempts were made to intercept the light particles, they would not make their destination and the line operators would know somebody was attempting a hack.
"If anyone tries to even read the message it will explode like a soap bubble," said a physicist who helped develop the technology.

Conventional fiber-optic communications making it possible to eavesdrop on such lines simply by making a bend in the fiber and leaching off some of the light, but the secure quantum cryptography line will eliminate such problems.

This is the first public use of the technology, although U.S. government and corporate customers have purchased the equipment for use as far back as 2003. So when you question the next election results, just remember that Evil Dick is in his bunker safely downloading Japanese tentacle rape anime with the same technology that could restore some measure of honesty to the process.

Sly

Even bringing my laptop to work, I can't get onto the secure system (that I have the passcode to) for interweb. I may have the black tech thumb, but it pays to be sneaky.

Another Worthless Award

Isn’t it time Julia Roberts got an award?

The American Cinematheque thinks so, as they present her with their 22nd annual tribute. It must be for her stirring role in Ocean’s Twelve, and the amazing voice-over work she did in Charlotte’s Web and The Ant Bully – because that’s all she’s been up to in the last three years.

The American Cinematheque owns and operates two Los Angeles theaters that show classic, experimental and non-mainstream films and videos. Is a Roberts retrospective coming up? None of her work is classic or experimental, what with all the ailing women, ingénues in peril, and chirpy romantic leaded she plays as a standard.

Don’t feel bad if you are not invited, AMC will televise the even in December. Now I don’t know what is worse – having to watch one of her films or two hours of backslapping congratulations over her films.

I would, however, watch a Sandra Bullock / Julia Roberts JELL-O wrestling match for the definitive title of “America’s Sweetheart” - and would there be a steel cage rehab Spears-Lohan undercard?

He'll Keep It In A Lockbox

Cheated former presidential candidate and eight year Vice President Al Gore nabbed the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, sharing it with the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change for their efforts to spread awareness of man-made climate.

Gore, who also won an Academy Award earlier this year for his documentary An Inconvenient Truth, was favored to win the prize. Never has a man’s work presenting a movie about a slide show been so critically praised.

Skeptics who have challenged the global warming impact from man and the honoring of Gore are missing the larger mystery – how does a world peace prize turn into the green awards?

According to the Nobel Committee, global warming "may induce large-scale migration and lead to greater competition for the Earth's resources. Such changes will place particularly heavy burdens on the world's most vulnerable countries. There may be increased danger of violent conflicts and wars, within and between states."

Wow, that’s a stretch.

Clearly, we are threatened by Eskimos and penguins who will be looking to usurp our habitat once global warming destroys their polar lands. Or is it that the populous at the Equator will run for the hills in an attempt to stay cool when the temperatures rise? Is Waterworld a reality we’re just not giving enough credence to? Well, now that we’re giving awards for things people do in anticipation of hypothetical models dreamed up by the Nobel Committee, I expect to be a finalist in next year’s selection for my long dedication to work with women in the 24-33 age range. In a world where so many women can no longer alone in crying after sex, have my tears been shed for naught?

Nutty!

For everybody who asked for one comprehensive site on the interweb to see a collection of nutshots in comic books, well, this one goes out to you...