It Should Have Been Baby Gouda

A pregnant German woman rushed to the hospital to give birth shocked doctors and staff when it was revealed that what she had passed off as a fetus for months was in fact a large block of cheese.

Around 4 am, the woman was heard complaining loudly of severe pains outside an apartment building. Neighbors, assuming that she was in labor, took her to an emergency room where doctors uncovered a sodden and moldy mass of what they later determined to be several bricks of cheddar cheese bound together with twine.

The woman, whom hospital administrators have refused to identify due to confidentiality rules, has a history of mental illness, according to medical records obtained from people close to the situation. Not only has she been detained in the past for public disturbances, but she has been on significant doses of anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications for many years. One attending doctor, speaking on the condition that they remain anonymous, remarked that it is not uncommon for some individuals to fake medical conditions in order to gain attention and financial support. Using cheese to fake a pregnancy, however, seems to be unprecedented, even among the mentally ill. This begs the question "Could the insane properly cater a wine and cheese tasting party?".

“Beyond weird,” remarked the doctor. “I don’t know how one would do it, but it must take an unwordly level of self deception to even conceive of something like this.” Or the warm comfort of cheese slowly melting from inside. What’s more, the woman had apparently registered herself at several stores for an upcoming baby shower and had been regularly consulting an obstretician by phone. Yes, the pregnancy-checkup-by-phone option isn't at all odd. With so much contact with others, it is unclear how she was able to keep from revealing herself for so long...unless her neighbors are total idiots. According to sources familiar with the matter, all of her neighbors believed her to be pregnant, and had helped her pay her rent and shop for baby clothes and furniture.

Residents of the apartment building refused to comment, and the woman has been detained pending further psychiatric evaluation.