♥ Weekend

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, a wonderful time to celebrate high grade Columbian blow with barely legal prostitutes and a DV camera. But for those in relationships, it also means fancy dinners and gifts for your beloved. Scarlett and I are not going to be playing that game (if anything we'll do our own fancy celebrating and such next week in Las Vegas on vacation), but some of you fellas are not off the hook. Guys, you may think you’re saying “I love you” with that sterling silver heart chain you picked up at Wal-Mart along with your tube socks and jock itch cream, but you’re wrong. Be aware that there’s often a huge discrepancy between what you think you’re communicating, and what you’re really saying to her. Avoid any unnecessarily awkward Valentine’s Day moments...

THIS GIFT SAYS: “I saved $2 because I used my CVS Extra-Care Card.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I never want to have sex with you again.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “Your blow jobs are physically painful and you’re bad in bed, but I don’t want to dump you yet.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I hate sitting next to you on the couch.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I saw this in a magazine in my shrink’s office.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “Your boobs are too small.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I live in my mother’s attic. And I’m unemployed.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I had to get you something to shut you up.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I picked this up while I was out searching for a nursing home.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “I saw this on an infomercial at 2 am after I had sex with your best friend.”



THIS GIFT SAYS: “There is a body buried in my garden and I put it there.”