Star Whores

Vivid Entertainment, who recently made the Batman XXX parody, are now reaching meta territory, planning on Star Wars parody porn (déjà Zack And Miri Make A Porno vu!)

There is no word when it will be completed or released, but they issued a press release that Lexington Steele is being cast as Darth Vader (or likely a more perverse pun-name), and let me just say that the force is strong, and huge, with this one. Google him and you'll find the destructive power of the dark side. Seeing as Vivid wants to spray cum all over the trilogy, I figured I 'd have fun with it and fill out the rest of their cast.

Lick Skyfucker

Our hero needs to be youthful and likable, and that's James Deen to me. His blog is pretty amusing (and NSFW as hell), but where else are you going to find accounts of what he's been eating, and sometimes who? The only thing he needs is a 70's bowl cut wig to look like Mark Hamill and I think we're all set there.

Princess Lay-Her

Let's not dis Carrie Fisher, the sharp tongued, saucy royalty that made millions of boys fantasies by the time she put her metal bikini on in Return, but are we looking for an actress to be sassy and bold? Nope! We need a smoking hot piece of girl-next-door ass, and that is Stoya. She's too pretty for porn, but it's a good thing she doesn't know it.

Hand Solo

All porn actors are roguish scoundrels, but some are just a little too sleazy. Instead of some tattooed scumbag, scrawny pervert, creepy old guy, or super-roided meathead, there needs to be a dashing outlaw who has both charisma and stamina. Erik Everhard, you go to the gym a decent amount and have sex with women on camera for money, so you fit the bill.

Screwbacca

When you think of a big, hairy fuck machine, can you not think of Ron Jeremy? Well, giant dick or not, I don't want to see The Porcupine getting nasty with such choice young actresses. So instead, we're just going to have to make it a female, and go with Dana DeArmond. Her 225+ film resume more than establishes her casting (with such titles as Juicy White Anal Booty 4 and Gangbang My Face 3 to her credit - though I don't know what Mistress Strap-On: Sado Bitch says)...

C3P-Hole

Even though the protocol droid was nicknamed "Goldenrod", my brain is just not wired to picture some blonde stud. But I'm all about the blonde thing for the role, so why not the buxom Kagney Lynn Karter, the AVN 2010 Best New Starlet? And just like in the original movies, people will be trying to shut her up. except in adult films, they have different ways of doing that...

R2DP

Just like in the series, the two robotic companions were opposites, so a petite, brunette Ashley Blue is a nice compliment. And she is a nasty little freak, so living up to her character won't be a problem at all. Droid on droid action? Not a problem She's done more _______ on _______ action that you'd have a hard time filling in a blank that she hasn't already.

Orgy-Wan Kenobi

He may not be a wise old sage, but Tom Byron has been around for years (look at that picture). The guy was barely old enough to shave but was in films with John Holmes and one of my favorites from the VHS days, White Bun Busters. Recently he's sexed up the young (King Of Coochie 1-5) and the old (Seasoned Players 1-12), and if he can pull off being an actor / director, then he can certainly mentor the younger performers, just like a Jedi.

Grand Muff Takin'

Another gender reversal, because we don't need a porn that too dude heavy. We're not interested in that kind of adult film. Kristina Rose would be working with Lexington Steele to make sure the Fuck Death Star was the ultimate weapon of ass destruction in the galaxy. And if she held her own in Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman, then she can be one of the Empire's top tramps.

Boba Fuck

Is it a stretch for everybody's favorite bounty hunter to be in there when his debut was in the second film? Not if you go back to the cut footage, which Lucas added effects to and inserted into the enhanced, re-release. So if it's okay to enhance things for the film, then I say we throw Boba in there along with Aletta Ocean and her, uh, enhancements.

Screwtroopers

They may all look the same in uniform, but a little variety once those come off makes the galactic empire worth fighting for, right? And if it really is an empire, then there needs to be a little more international flavor. Our minions are European porn stars! Sandra Romain, Katja Kassin, Jana Cova, Monica Sweetheart and Christina Bella.

You can add Rocco Siffredi as The Emperor if you please, but we'll save Yodong and the others for the inevitable sequel.