Fun With Uncle Jessie

Uncle Joey had Alanis Morissette go down on him in a theater, Papa Tanner works blue, DJ is a degree away from uber-Christianity through her brother Mike Seaver, Stephanie had a meth addiction, and Michelle is twin anorexic oversized troll dolls. So should we be surprised that Uncle Jessie was getting extorted for nearly $700,000 under threat of exposure for drug use and sexing a minor?

Stamos testified that he was "heartbroken" over the separation from his ex-wife Rebecca Romijn six years ago when he first met Allison Coss. Yet somehow, he allegedly ended up in photos featuring him with cocaine and strippers. And these pictures somehow came into the possession of Coss and Scott Sippola, who are accused of demanding money from from the "actor" (c'mon, he can't really...but he sure is pretty).

Stamos said he met Coss at Pleasure Island, a club where patrons must be at least 18. The 46-year-old Stamos said Coss told him she was on "college" spring break. He said Coss and a friend were among several people who came to his hotel room and stayed for a couple hours. He described their time together as "just hanging out" and "socializing." Sure. He said he later began communicating with Coss via e-mail and described their conversations and "flirty" but "friendly". "It was all very sweet. I considered her a friend," Stamos said, completely reaffirming the typical dynamic between a man that is twice as old as a woman.

Coss' attorney alleged that Coss met Stamos when she was 17 and that the two had a romantic fling. Furthermore, it was two women who worked as strippers that eventually showed up in Stamos' hotel room with a bag of cocaine, and Coss and her friend took a picture of Stamos bending over a table where the drugs had been laid out. Y'know, because that could be something you'd want to show a friend later (like the picture of Charlie Sheen totally fuckhammer wasted at Herr Docktor's place more than a decade ago).

Supposedly, Stamos and Coss later "kissed on a bed and got into a hot tub together after Stamos undressed and Coss stripped to her underwear". She said Stamos offered to perform oral sex on Coss, but she declined. As I'm sure you all know, Florida law makes it a second-degree felony for someone 24 or older to have oral sex with anyone 16 or 17 years old, but since that didn't happen, there's no crime. So what are we wasting our time talking about? Hold your horses.

Stamos read from a large book of e-mails in court, not so much for their content but to prove he had the intelligence enough to actually read. Among those read were several from "J Taylor" and "Brian L". They ranged from claims she was pregnant and Stamos was the father to she had cervical cancer and concerns over photos a friend had along. The FBI worked with Stamos and eventually took over his e-mail account to handled all correspondence once demands were made regarding the sale of the photos.

The tale ended with a sting operation and the arrest of Coss and Sippola where an agent posing as a Stamos representative had promised to leave a bag of cash. In their defense (and I mean the one they made legally, in court), it was acknowledged Coss sent e-mails but described them as a ruse to test Stamos' reaction in hopes of determining whether he was preying on young girls.

There's going to be so guilty verdicts coming up, I suspect. And as for Stamos? He'll continue to eek out a marginal career...and think about who he's taking coke whore pictures with.