Hit And Miss (Or Mister)

You'll have to track this import down...can you imagine a US channel ever getting the nerve to develop a show about a transgender hitman?

Miss Disqualified

Vancouver native Jenna Talackova is not going to win the Miss Universe Canada pageant on account of her penis.

Talackova, who regards herself as a “woman...with a history,” recognized herself as a female at an early age of four, underwent hormone therapy at 14 and gender reassignment surgery at 19...and was disqualified after judges found out she was not a “naturally born" female.  And they didn't know this until she reached the finals of the competition.  The 23-year-old believes she is “disqualified for being born,” has apparently been vocal about her transsexual past. The organizers counter that she registered for the pageant claiming that she was born female.

Considering that the pageant is owned by Donald Trump, and he's trying to pass that thing off as hair, he shouldn't be quick to judge what parts people have.

Where Trannies, Down Syndrome Kids, And Cocaine Meet

Alejandro Jodorowsky's 1989 film Santa Sangre will finally be released on DVD and Blu-ray next week.

What can you expect from the famed cult director?  The film the tale of "a young circus performer, the crime of passion that shatters his soul, and the macabre journey back to the world of his armless mother and deaf-mute lover".  And this clip.

Blah Blah Gaga

We have been spared the wrath of more Lady Gaga music by the supreme Madonna-wannabe herself, having purchased her own songs at auction rather than allow them to end up released.

For an undisclosed amount, Gaga itself purchased six CDs and a DVD that her first manager, Bob Leone, was selling as part of an of over 800 assorted celebrity items. Some of the items were autographed and featured unreleased songs dating back to 2002, like a demo from the Stefani Germanotta Band (gasp! real name) The world will never enjoy the musical fruit like "Retrosexual", or generic dance like "Spin You Around" or "Yay Ha". What a shame...

Normally, Lady Gaga would not rate a post, but this is more a cautionary tale of the doom that was averted.

YouTube’s Newest Caudal Regression Syndrome Drag Queen

There are dozens of additional videos on Pedro Martell's YouTube channel. Please enjoy, if you can handle it.

For Who?

One of these is the actual cover for the upcoming Adam Lambert album, but only one is supergay. Here's a hint, it's not the one with two men tongue kissing. Nobody cares what your preference is, but damn, even gay men are embarraced by this. Wow, could you just tone it down a little? It's not ironic, artistic or even satirical - just over the top and blatant. Do you wonder why the red states won't allow gay marriage or Wal-Mart will have trouble stocking this? I'm all for gay pride, but this is like gay supremacy. It makes Colt & Cody's Anal Manbang 3 look like Sense and Sensibility.

Bass Clef Japan

how did you make it this far?

She Loves Love

I make no secret of my disdain for "reality" television, but I am particularly disgusted by Patti Stanger, aka The Millionaire Matchmaker. Finally, love's arrow has pierced her heart...unfortunately, not killing her.

The celebloids are reporting that she is engaged to Andy Friedman. The poor bastard. The tranny-looking spinster added, "I feel like it should have happened years ago, so I'm kind of shocked." Yeah, so are we, dude. Friedman, a 51-year-old real estate executive whom she met through a matchmaker five and a half years ago, popped the question in Maui back in May. Am I the only person who thinks a 48 year old "woman" who has never been married is the wrong source for relationship advice? And that she herself went to a matchmaker to meet? Was her own advise that bad she couldn't follow it? Yes.

"I have a rule," she barked. "If you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year." Yes, you fine female wine, you are more valuable as you age and deserve a bigger rock. Maybe that works if you're nearing menopause (though do trannies have a change of life, other than the surgery?), but getting hitched after only a year of dating for anyone other than mid-life adults is terrible advise. Actually even for adults it's a little soon. And if you're together five years and anywhere near that age, guess what ladies - you're not ever gonna hear those words. Either spend that money on plastic surgery or renew that subscription to Cat Fancy.

In order to add pointlessness to the story, she tells a black swan named Raymond delivered the 4 carat ring. Who the fuck takes the time to find out what the damn swan's name is? "Hey, let's get a black swan for our event...and make sure it's Raymond!" And I'm not in the market for rocks, but 4 carats can't be cheap. Would you really tie that much money to a bird? Maybe he was hoping it would fly away and he'd be in the clear. This guy is over 50 and has some money, and he wants old tranny vaj?

The couple, who also don't live together, are planning for 2010 nuptials. We'll see about that. By the way, anybody know why Stanger and Chyna have never been seen in the same place at the same time?

Momma's Boy

Irene Prusik has been dead for six years. But in April, someone showed up at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Brooklyn to renew her driver's license. Her son, in drag!

Thomas Parkin (49) was charged Wednesday in the plot to impersonate his deceased mother so he could collect $117,000 in government benefits. He and his accomplice, Mhilton Rimolo (sweet gay gigolo name), pleaded not guilty to grand larceny, criminal impersonation and other charges, which do not include playing bridge, attending high tea services, or enjoying hard candies.

Both men were ordered held on $1 million bail. District Attorney Charles Hynes said the scam was "unparalleled in its scope and brazenness." Apparently, he'd never seen Weekend At Bernie's or Psycho. Authorities claim that following his arrest, Parkin told them that because he held Prusik when she breathed her last breath, "I am my mother". Damn, that's a bad ass quote, considering the guy is wearing his mother's pantyhose!

Parkin, who lived with his mother (no surprise there), was accused of hatching the scheme after she passed away in 2003 at age 73. He concealed the death by falsifying her death certificate, then collected $52,000 from her $700-a-month Social Security checks over the next six years, prosecutors said. Authorities say Parkin also got another $65,000 in rent subsidies by falsely claiming he had a disability and that his mother was still alive and was his landlord. Parkin used his friend (that should be in quotes...the gay kind) Rimolo to pose as the mother's nephew when going to cash checks and do other business, prosecutors said. A security camera photo being used in the case from the DMV office shows a faggy frail-looking Parkin in a wig and dark glasses, Rimolo by his side, as he fills out paperwork.

The ruse began to unravel amid a dispute over the mother's home, which was sold at foreclosure in 2003. Six years? That's a pretty slow unravel. Parkin challenged the purchase by suing the new owner on his mother's behalf so he wouldn't be evicted. As the property dispute dragged out, both sides eventually contacted the district attorney to accuse each other of fraud. By the time investigators arranged a meeting with the family in May, they already had proof Prusik was dead: a photo of her tombstone in a local cemetery. Oops. Maybe she should have been keep in the freezer.

The investigators played along as Parkin showed up for the interview "wearing a red cardigan, lipstick, manicured nails and breathing through an oxygen tank," prosecutors said. Wow, he must have thought he had them fooled at that point. It's really sad though...if you can fit into your mother's clothes, I mean.

Pronoun Bender

WWTDD once again does the dirty work, and considering it's a story about Chastity Bono, it's about as dirty and nasty as it gets.

Chastity Bono has revealed today that she is in the early stages of changing her gender, to transition from living as a woman to living as a man. From the looks of things, this should only take another hour or so. Someone get her a tie and she’ll be done. TMZ says:

“Yes, it’s true — Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” confirmed Bono’s publicist, Howard Bragman.“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz’s hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his ‘coming out’ did nearly 20 years ago.”

A report in the British Journal of Psychiatry said the suicide rate for people after a sex change is 1.9 percent. That’s 17,000 times higher than the suicide rate in the US. So it seems the problem is these problem are trapped in the wrong body, and once they get some things chopped off, everything will finally be ok. I also think that if you’re computer is acting funny, try sawing your keyboard in half. Don’t waste time with updates or whatever, it sounds to me and Chastity Bono that the problem is your computer was destined to have a keyboard that’s been sawed in half.

And TMZ was sort of coy about it but back in April, Ted Casablanca on E! said Chastity was pitching a reality show around town that would document her “sex-change operation.” So it would seem this isn’t just hormones and a hat. She seemingly wants a penis made by inserting prosthetic testicles and slicing a tendon behind her clitoris so it will flop around between her legs. To push the terror from a 10 to an 11, maybe they can fill her new nuts with cobra venom that she can shoot into your eyes.

A special double-fisted throatpunch goes out to her publicist, barraging us with the pronoun swap. Sorry dear, not until it happens can you swap your hes and shes. And it doesn't make it so no matter how much you repeat it. If that were the case, I'm Mr. Winona Ryder.

If You Need More Reasons To Drink Today...

...Brooke Hogan can give them to you.

I never thought I'd say I hate crotch shots and stripper poles. This is a dark day. Save me Guinness! Save me!

LGBT-PGA

It’s just your typical “Former SWAT Team cop gets gender reassignment surgery and then beats out a 21-year-old girl for long drive championship” story.

Lana Lawless (55) won the RE/MAX World Long Drive Women’s Championship. This goes to show that you can’t generate controversy in golf without shooting it up with artificial hormones. From FOX Sports:

“I am shocked more women are not complaining about this,” three-time world champion Sean “The Beast” Fister said. (Beast Fister?) “It’s not an apples-to-apples deal. Men and women are different.”

Added former women’s world champion Lee Brandon: “In 2005, the USGA approved transgender involvement in competition, so I don’t see how we can dispute this. However, if a woman has the knees, hands and feet of a man, she has genetic real estate that is more gifted.”

"I am a woman," insisted Lawless, who adopted her new name from classic-movie star Lana Turner but declines to discuss her previous name. "I've lost muscle mass. I don't have big guns (biceps). They give you a drug that stops you from producing testosterone. Your muscles atrophy. In about seven months, I went from 245 pounds to 175 pounds. I've gained back a little bit, but I feel like I don't have any power.

"Sure, I used to be a man. For 18 years, I was a cop for the city of Rialto, one of the most violent cities in Southern California. I worked the gang unit. I had a very tough and mean exterior. People didn't want to mess with me. She said firmly, "That other person, that 245-pound SWAT cop I used to be, he's gone. He's not coming back."

Lawless had her supporters, including 2007 men’s champ Mike Dobbyn, who observed, “When I watch her, I don’t see any advantage. She hits it like an LDA (Long Drivers of America) woman.”

The rules governing transgender golf competition are precise and numerous. For Lawless, they included mandatory doctor reports, lab results within normal female limits and onsite testing.

Onsite testing? Are they afraid it’s gonna grow back? But seriously, you have to take precautions about that sort of thing. I always test my female escorts onsite. Now.

You'd Think It Was In Beaverton

A few weeks back, we elected our country’s first African American president. But did you know a small town in Oregon also elected the country’s first openly transgender mayor?

Meet Stu Rasmussen, Mayor of Silverton Oregon (population: 9,500). Stu’s not new to politics. He’s already served two previous terms as Mayor (in 1988 and 1990), but that’s back when he was all dude. Since then, judging by the photos on his website, he’s acquired a bunch of stringy red wigs and a bevy of tacky beaded necklaces. And oh yeah, he’s also acquired breasts.

On his website, he (she) explains, I’ve been a crossdresser or transvestite my whole life, only ‘coming out’ recently and thereby discovering that life goes on very nicely.”

This is all fabulous information, but wouldn't your rather he post a picture of him wearing nothing but a bra on his website? And there you go! Maybe the message to his constituents is “vote for me and I’ll let you cop a feel of my left breast?” It looks as though running for office is now similar to trying to score a date on Myspace.

Trimming The Excess

Hilary Swank is recovering after a hospital procedure to remove a small, benign growth, said her representative. That growth? Her penis.

"She was experiencing some discomfort and went to see her doctor, who prescribed an immediate course of action that included a brief hospitalization" to eliminate the growth, Swank's manager said in a statement. "Her condition has been resolved and there are no continuing health issues, with the exception of some short-term rest and recuperation." He would not provide further details.

Yeah, at first I though it was a tail or mane, because she trots at the same stable as SJ Goblin Beast, but I'm pretty certain she was a hermaphrodite until this little snip-snip. With a name like Hilary Swank she should be a pron star or slammin' hot chick. Like Megan Fox. Totally appropriate. I don't see why she doesn't change her name to Daddy Gets Lucky or Phar Lap.