New Socks And Underwear Weekend

Everybody gets excited because they use someone else's birthday to make a big deal for a month, but it's not the sappy carols or the dusty decorations wheeled out year after year that bother me - it's the gross commercialism and way that it is jammed down our cultural throats.  I won't Grinch out on it, but just imagine a month every year that vegans* flooded the country with their message of soy-and-gluten, and your carnivorous ways were buried beneath a tide of meat-less sentiment.  That society would suck for about 30 days every year.  And that's what this time of year is to me: running the gauntlet, where new boxer-briefs await at the end.

Best of the week: How do you know your movie is a giant piece of shit? When it's How Do You Know, and it only makes $7.6 million it's opening weekend. 

Sure, lots of movies are not blockbusters out of the gate, but How Do You Know cost $120 to make. When you're done choking, here's how a movie without anything exploding, no giant robots, and lacking CGI monsters could possibly reach that obscene amount.

Are you ready? Here's the lead cast salaries: Reese Witherspoon earned $15 million. Jack Nicholson received $12 million. Owen Wilson pocketed $10 million. And Paul Rudd got $3 million. Writer / director / producer James L. Brooks collected $10 million - plus backend, though I doubt there's any since there's no money coming in from the frontend. After that, you've got $70 in production and other salaries, which makes no sense for a film shot in Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. - unless they actually purchased all the locations they filmed in.

There is no reason an average romantic comedy should EVER cost that much. For comparison, Watchmen cost $130 million,had cool-as-shit effects, ran up to 90 minutes longer (in some cuts), and earned an extra $50 million above budget in domestic returns. How Do You Know won't ever earn $120 million in total - and I'm talking foreign box office, DVD sales, and pay-per view / cable. Hollywood's hottest actors got their asses kicked by a cult comic series from twenty years ago.

The only reason "talent" is supposed to have such high salaries is because it is offsetting box office revenue, and they clearly did not. This is why Hollywood studios deserve to collapse - by not making contracts where actors forfeit percentages of their salary against the gross. The million that Reese Witherspoon would have received on this picture would have been plenty.

And: Bangladeshi authorities have launched an investigation after porn was aired on a large display screen at the country's main airport. Was it Hot Indian POV 3?

Hundreds at the main terminal of the Shahjalal International Airport were shocked as five minutes of porn was shown. The display screen usually shows recorded documentaries about the culture and geography of the country. Doesn't their lovemaking count as information on their culture?

Officials say the operator has been "jailed instantly for two months", which is how the law works in conservative Muslim countries like Bangladesh. They added, "We have also summoned the owners of the cable firm to investigate the incident. We have to find out whether any criminal intent was involved". You can't jail somebody for months and then question if there is criminal intent...though it is criminal if you show part of the movie and don't get to see the climax.

Best picture of the week:

solstice lunar eclispe, yo!

Best bonus links:

• 10 Mind-Blowing Easter Eggs Hidden In Famous Albums - Questionable, but even if some of them are bullshit, it is very cool.

• Florida Officials Arrest Pedophilia How-To Book Author - The in-store book signing would have been a fiasco.

• Pearl In Man's Ear For 41 Years - Something something something Pearl Jam joke...

• 300 Level One Naked Orcs Take Out Gamon - Video game prons for the Warcraft fan.

• Man Crashes ‘Muscle Car’ Onto George W. Bush’s Lawn - And surprisingly it wasn't another family member.

• Jersey Shore's Ronnie Indicted On Assault Charge - But still free on public douchebaggery.

• The 20 Worst Songs Of 2010 - A hilarious disection of the top of the bottom, and every one is spot on with their critique.

• Map Of Metal - Interactive and ass-kicking!  Beware the Cliffs of Hair Metal!

• There Is A Qur'an Written In Saddam Hussein's Blood - If only it was written live and in real-time.

• Read The Entire Marvel Comic Based On Dune - Go on...read it!

• Dog In Germany Gives Birth To 17 Puppies - Bob Barker is losing his shit over this story.

• Ben Franklin’s 200+ Synonyms For “Drunk” - You have no doubt been called some of them.

• Blazer Wearing Dickbag Begs Bouncer For Punishment — That's how you handle them!

• Murder Scene Might Reveal Why Neanderthals Went Extinct - Hint: they were are killed.

• The Navy's Electromagnetic Catapult Is Go / How Disney Designed The Military's Electromagnetic Launch System - Wait until they get the Fast Pass!

• NY Governor Fined $62K Over Yankees Series Tickets - For that price I really hope he enjoyed the game...as much as a blind person can.

• Reindeer On Shrooms - Don't let these ones pull the sleigh.

Worst of the week: The New York Times wedding announcement section is an antiquated megaphone for elitist blowhards who want to draw attention to themselves. So when Gawker turned their weekly scorn at the snobby egotists, they singled out a real rotten piece of the upper crust.

We'll let the Times tell it:

Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla met in 2006 in a pre-kindergarten classroom. They both had children attending the same Upper West Side school. They also both had spouses. The connection was immediate, but platonic. In fact, as they became friends so did their spouses. There were dinners, Christmas parties and even family vacations together.

In May 2008, Mr. Partilla invited her for a drink at O'Connell's, a neighborhood bar. She said she knew something was up, because they had never met on their own before.

'I've fallen in love with you,' he recalled saying to her. She jumped up, knocking a glass of beer into his lap, and rushed out of the bar. Five minutes later, he said, she returned and told him, 'I feel exactly the same way.' Then she left again."

In a straightforward and unapologetic manner, Partilla and Riddell detailed how they agreed to handle "a terrible thing" as "honorably" as they could, immediately separating from their spouses. Well, that's classy. Oh wait, it isn't, when you choose to make the story public. To say that "This is life. This is how it goes", is a weak excuse for their behavior, and all the talk about being soulmates does not cover up their true selfish, self-centered love. There's nothing to be proud about or need to share. Enjoy your wedded bliss...until you meet someone else.

And: Government inspections to uncover serious maintenance problems that could lead to airline crashes are often delayed for years or switched to focus on less critical problems, according to Department of Transportation's inspector general.

The FAA launched the program in 1998 and has expanded to 94 airlines, which are analyzed to see if they have an effective overall maintenance program. Over an eight-year period, FAA inspectors failed to complete 207 key inspections on time. The carriers reviewed in the report are Alaska Airlines, American Airlines, Continental Airlines, Delta Air Lines, Northwest Airlines, Southwest Airlines, United Airlines and US Airways. At three FAA offices, the report said more than five years lapsed between inspections to find out if airlines were effective in following FAA safety orders. Overdue inspections continued even after FAA cut back on inspectors' workloads.

Worst picture of the week:

another briliant life decision: Teen Mom's Amber Portwood waist tattoo

Worst bonus links:

• Police Man Kills Bride, Best Man, Self At Wedding - Usually it's the mother-in-law they want to kill.

• 'Flash Mob' Results In California Mall Evacuation - Wow, behold the power of a mobile choir.

• How Katy Perry Keeps Russell Brand Sexually Satisfied - They had me at Katy Perry, and lost me at Russell Brand.

• 31 Cities’ Tap Water Has Cancer-Causing Hexavalent Chromium, Study Says - Los Angeles is on the list? Yay!

• Usher Fan Apologizes for Kicking Him In The Face - When you kick Usher in the face, you don't apologize - you revel in it.

• Broadway 'Spider-Man' Stunt Double Falls To Stage / Ambulances Called, Show Stopped After 'Big Accident' in Spider-Man Musical / Actors’ Equity Tries, Fails To Halt The Spider-Man Musical / The Spiderman Musical Trainwreck, Animated Taiwanese News-Style - I remember back when this disaster was only a terrible idea in somebody's head...and I have the posts to prove it from years ago.

• Kim Kardashian Got A Puppy For Xmas That Died 2 Weeks Later - And this happened when she was a kid. Why is it newsworthy? It wouldn't even be  if it happened two weeks ago.

• Death Is In Store For One Of The Fantastic Four - And resurrection is in store for one of them months later.

• US Executions Drop By 12 Percent In 2010 - But the number of death row criminals hasn't gone down.

• David Schwimmer's Wife Is Pregnant - That's the only work he's getting these days.

• Video Of A Girl Before And After She Drank Three Four Lokos - How dare those be wasted on her!

• Barbour Doesn’t Recall Civil Rights Era Being ‘That Bad’ - Thanks for your point of view, white southern male.

• Sex Toy Tycoon Poisoned By Nanny With Wiper Fluid - Cheeky Brits calling a lingerie business owner a sex toy tycoon. And wiper fluid is Windex.

• Anonymous Thief Pays For Stolen Hammer, Decades Later - A little early for the Thor marketing campaign, isn't it?

• Stabbed US Tourist's Body Found Near Jerusalem - Another reason I'm not heading to Israel this year.

• Betty White Voted AP Entertainer Of The Year - Enough already with Betty White. Kitsch is overblown!

• Police Release Video of Cop Shooting Deaf Woodcarver - It's not that good...you don't get to see any of it.

*I picked vegans because they're annoying, self-rightious assholes who deserve the scorn