Another Reason To Not Watch Television

Rosie O’Donnell wants to return to television in a sitcom she's developing about three best friends that would co-star “The Nanny’s” Fran Drescher.

I don't need to know who the Third Horseman of the Apocalypse is to fear this idea. And people wonder why ratings are down.

Afghanistan Just Got Harry

Prince Harry has been serving on the front line in Afghanistan with the British Army, calling in airstrikes on Taliban positions and going out on foot patrols. Not a bad way to get out of the house.

Officials said the prince, a lieutenant in the Blues and Royals regiment, was still deployed in the country. Harry is third in line to the throne and has been in Afghanistan since December.

The planned deployment had been disclosed to reporters, with no specific date, and was not reported previously under a pool agreement between the Ministry of Defense and all major news organizations operating in Britain. The news blackout was intended to reduce the risk to the prince and his regiment. The news embargo was broken, however, after reports of the prince's deployment were leaked by an Australian magazine and a German newspaper, and then reported on a U.S. Web site, the Drudge Report.

Harry, 23, has been deployed in the restive Helmand province for 10 weeks, where most of the 7,800 British troops in Afghanistan are based, according to the military's statement. In a recorded interview, Harry said he was happy to be standing shoulder-to- shoulder with his colleagues.

"It's nice just to be here with all the guys and just mucking in as one of the lads," said Harry, who had expressed bitter disappointment when he was banned from going to Iraq with his battalion last year. Army chiefs said publicity surrounding his deployment could put him and his unit at risk. Harry graduated from Sandhurst military academy in 2006 and trained as a tank commander. After the decision not to send him to Iraq, he retrained as a battlefield air controller, the job he has been filling in Afghanistan.

UPDATE: Adios, Harry. Guess the royal family didn't like that news leak. Enjoy your return to civilian life.

Filthy Chutes

India's rail system is shitty...literally.

And in related news, a newborn baby girl survived an ignoble birth after slipping down the toilet bowl of a moving Indian train onto the tracks when a pregnant woman unexpectedly gave birth while relieving herself. Um, I think you were straining too hard if you pinched a baby loaf.

As described by the AP, most toilets on Indian trains are filthy chutes emptying directly onto the tracks. Coincidentally, the same has been said of their birth canals.

"My delivery was so sudden," said the Bhuri Kalbi, the mother of the infant, born two months prematurely. "I did not even realize that my child had slipped from the hole in the toilet." Give me a break! You don't know the difference between taking a shit and passing a small melon through your crotch? Tell me again why we're outsourcing our business there?

The 33 year old fainted on the toilet seat after the birth for a few minutes before waking up and alerting her family. Railway staff at a nearby station were alerted and soon found the newborn girl lying on pebbles by the track. She is now in intensive care because of her premature birth, and clearly not from falling out of a moving train onto the tracks from a toilet.

Juno No

Juno, this year's indie film darling, died in labor for me.

The comedy should have been a slam dunk given it's pedigree, but even less than last year's dark horse Little Miss Sunshine, I found I couldn't not line up with the adoring masses.

The film suffers from two major problems. The first is the finished product, which just doesn't play well. Let's start with the talent. Don't get me wrong, they're all fine actors, but rather than playing characters in the film, they're just cast as rehashed composites, and it doesn't work. Michael Cera has already played the shy, awkward type. Jennifer Garner has perfected the look of puckered consternation. Jason Bateman proved he has everyman coolness. Put everything together and it doesn't flow. It's like an all star team - having the top players doesn't mean they will perform well with that combination.

Director Jason Reitman hardly inspires them as he did his actors in Thank You for Smoking, but then again the material was far superior. And for that you can thank Diablo Cody, aka Brook Busey-Hunt. No matter what you call yourself, you're just an ex-stripper who lapdanced your script into the right hands. And to top it all off, the film has an utterly unlistenable, obnoxious soundtrack by The Moldy Peaches, y'know, for indie cred. If you don't hate them for their folk-pop, this picture should do the trick.

The other, bigger issue for Juno is that it tries too hard to be hip and is completely unrealistic. It's like living in an Urban Outfitters sponsored universe, where the cool is manufactured and marketed for the audience to blindly buy and not question. Hamburger phone? Striped shirt? Vintage hoodies? Sorry, we noticed your coolness was unnaturally perfect in it's composition.

And how about teenage Juno, who talks like 35 year old New Yorker from the East Village, which strangely shocks no one. She wanks about a music scene a decade before she was born and asks for hard liquor with disgusting cockiness - and not a single person ever reacts to the contrary. In real life, somebody would have bitch slapped her silly for acting like a pretentious twat. And where exactly in reality do Juno's parents live, where they barely flinch when she decides keep her baby - yes, another unlikely situation. Plus the quaint charmingness Juno's crush on a married man is played with takes all the real life intensity and depth out of it. But hey, Juno can do no wrong, so why think there's anything odd about it?

All that just adds up to one unlikable movie. Heathers was able to pull off dark and edgy, but Juno, you're not even close.

Turban Warfare

The photo of Barack Obama in African garb has caused quite a fuss in the public eye. But why has no one freaked out about his kinky 'fro when he used to go by Barry?

Uber-Unicycle

Motorcycles are not as cool as they used to be.

The EMBRIO Advanced Concept is a one-wheeled recreational / commuting vehicle, designed by Bombardier Recreational Products. Although the riding position is similar to that of a motorcycle, the vehicle uses sensors and gyroscopes to balance up to two passengers on a large single wheel whilst driving.

Specs are:
MODEL NAME: EMBRIO Advanced Concept
DEVELOPED BY:Bombardier Recreational Products
DRIVE SYSTEM: Fuel cell electric
FUEL: Hydrogen
LENGTH: 1,240 mm (48.8 in)
WIDTH: 700 mm (27.5 in)
HEIGHT: 1,200 mm (47.5 in)
WEIGHT: 164 kg (360 lbs)
SEATING CAPACITY: 2
Although the vehicle will remain stable when motionless, two small front wheels deploy at speeds below 12.5 mph. To move forward, the rider activates a trigger on the left handlebar. To turn the rider leans to the left or right. The brake is activated by a trigger on the right handlebar. Fuel cells running on hydrogen provide electricity for the electric motor which drives the single wheel.

Seth Charles Grushkin

Mush had this terriffic news to report :

"Sarice and I are extremely happy to announce the birth of Seth Charles Grushkin. The little guy was officially born at 11:39 am on February 27, 2008, weighing in at 6 pounds 3 ounces, and measuring 18 inches. Everyone is doing great!"

Congrats my friend!

In lieu of pictures (for the time being), this is "Birth Ritual", by Soundgarden (from Singles).

Tasteless Tastemaker

What's funnier than a Hello Kitty shower cap wearing, fur coat draped, fat homosexual blogger? A Hello Kitty shower cap wearing, fur coat draped, fat homosexual blogger with a record label.

Perez Hilton, aka Mario Lavandeira, is dealing with Warner Bros. Records to form his own imprint label. Hilton would receive $100,000 a year as an advance on any profits generated by artists he discovers and releases through Warners.

Hilton's "Listen to This" column, which hypes his favorite artists, is attractive to the label because his blog readership hovers around 3 million a month. But as you can tell by his style choices, clearly he has it going on. On what I don't know.

Mooner

NASA is so good at blowing up space shuttles and crash landing spacecraft their next mission seemed like a no-brainer.

Scientists are priming two spacecraft to slam into the moon's South Pole to see if the lunar double whammy reveals hidden water ice. Or a really cool explosion. The Earth-on-moon violence may raise eyebrows, but NASA's history shows that such missions can yield extremely useful scientific observations. Like the Challenger, Columbia, and Apollo mission disasters.

NASA's previous Lunar Prospector mission detected large amounts of hydrogen at the moon's poles before crashing itself into a crater at the lunar South Pole. Now the much larger Lunar Crater and Observation Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) mission, set for a February 2009 moon crash, will take aim and discover whether some of that hydrogen is locked away in the form of frozen water.

LCROSS will piggyback on an October mission, but will take three months to reach proper moon smashing position. A smaller spacecraft will guide the vehicle towards its target crater, before dropping back to watch - and later fly through - the plume of moon dust and debris kicked up by it's impact. The shepherding vehicle is packed with a light photometer, a visible light camera and four infrared cameras to study the lunar plume before it turns itself into a second impactor and strikes a different crater about four minutes later.

Figuring out the final destinations for the $79 million LCROSS mission is "like trying to drive to San Francisco and not knowing where it is on the map," NASA officials said. Not only is that an expensive trip, but a hell of a rental car to total. Scientists want the impactor spacecraft to hit smooth, flat areas away from large rocks, which would ideally allow the impact plume to rise up out of the crater shadows into sunlight. That in turn lets LRO and Earth-based telescopes see the results.

LCROSS researchers anticipate a more than a 90% chance that the impactors will find some form of hydrogen at the poles. The off-chance exists that the impactors will hit a newer crater that lacks water - yet scientists can learn about the distribution of hydrogen either way. Good cover for just wanting to crash really expensive shit.

Tax Dollars In Action!

The Northern Illinois University building where a gunman killed five students in an auditorium lecture hall before committing suicide, will be demolished and replaced...on the taxpayer's dime!

Cole Hall — a huge classroom building at the center of the 25,000-student campus — will be replaced with a state-of-the-art general classroom building and be named Memorial Hall. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had an afternoon news conference to announce state funding for the project. Students on campus seemed torn about the announcement, but no one seems to be concerned that THE STATE IS GOING TO DEMOLISH A PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL BUILDING AND REBUILD IT.

"Some people can't stand to look at it, and others see it as a memorial as it is," 19-year-old freshman Cassie Dodd said. "Personally, I think it should stay. It's a part of us now." Junior Jessica Burnside disagreed. "It's a trophy of a tragic, destructive event. Nobody wants to be reminded of it." And they shouldn't be, if the suckers who pay taxes can get fleeced and fund an unnecessary reconstruction.

Demolition of the 40 year old Cole Hall could begin this spring, with construction expected to begin next summer, and the new facility ready for use as early as December 2010. The school has established a memorial scholarship fund in honor of the students who died, which is also a fine way to deal with the event, and not spend millions putting a new face on it. Or facade. Or foyer. Or fiscally irresponsibly funded building.

The Road To Fame

Diablo Cody must be proud of her Oscar for Juno, but even more so for her wonderful pictures from when she was just a young, desperate stripper.

Note to self - don't be a trashy stripper before becoming famous. Oops...too late.

Eating Crowe

Maxim magazine has apologized for publishing a negative review of the Black Crowes' new album by a writer who hadn't listened to the whole CD, missing their new, prog metal direction entirely. Not.

The review in Maxim's March issue gives the Crowes' "Warpaint" a rating of two-and-a-half stars out of five. The band posted an exasperated statement on its Web site last week saying the Maxim writer hadn't heard the entire album because advance copies weren't available. The Crowes' manager, said the magazine explained that its review was an "educated guess." Well, if you don't provide albums to review to promote your band, that's what'll happen. But again, this is the Black Crowes. They and Lenny Kravitz are locked in a battle to mine the most psychedelic rock and recycle it endlessly. You could write a review to their last album and only need to change the names of the songs, and it would be spot on.

"It is Maxim's editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine and we apologize to our readers." Where's the apology to the listeners who'll listen to the album curiously to see if the review was merited?

A spokeswoman for the magazine declined to say whether the writer would face disciplinary action. Like having to listen to the whole album.

Transfurniture

The Casulo is a modular, compact transformable furniture solution. But don't get interested just because of my description - check out their rhetoric!

Considering that our society is becoming more and more mobile as a result of a fluctuating job market one must ask what the necessities are for people on the move and how their furniture should be designed. Flexibility and mobility have become key concepts of today’s working world and yet we continue to create our own barriers to our success and mobility. We take on obligations and responsibilities and obtain house goods far beyond what we really need. When it comes time to move we are aware of the burden of our increasing accumulations. We must overcome our fundamental ideas of consuming so that we can move and change. A change from our accustomed style of life to a more mobile one will mean overcoming our desire to accumulate goods and possessions.

At first glance the new mobility may seem restrictive and over economical yet the future generation will take the new style of life for granted and appreciate even more the increase in mobility, freedom and flexibility. Moving house is always a strain, a burden of time and expense. Even with several helpers the timing and planning, the transport and reassembly of the furniture is a strong man act.

The concept of the Casulo employs the preexisting transportation system and is ideal for short term, spontaneous changes of residence. Casulo does away with the problem of temporary furniture rentals and offers a winning solution to all the problems moving involves. We are facing an enormous challenge, for in the working-world of the future we will have to adapt to a more mobile style of life. The Casulo concept offers a inventive and achievable opportunity to face the demands of mobile living.

Maybe a demonstration would be better. That was really confusing.

New Lice Treatment

Famous M Transformation Agenda Communication #8

Starbucks is shutting its doors for three hours tonight, the latest drastic step in what is being called a companywide bid to improve its sagging fortunes. Hmmm...close your business for three hours and increase your fortunes? Brilliant!

The shutdown is one of several big moves spearheaded by Chairman and Chief Executive Howard Schultz, who recently took back the reins of the company amid concerns that it was losing its edge and facing increased competition from the likes of McDonald's and Dunkin' Donuts. Those $4 McLattes really cut into business, I guess.

Schultz has said the shutdown, which begins at 5:30 p.m., is a way to energize its 135,000 employees and provide some barista re-education in the "art of espresso" at its 7,100 U.S. locations. It's also known as staff training during work hours.

In a memo to employees and the public, Schultz said the goal of the closure was to improve the so-called "Starbucks Experience" — the company's shorthand for its mixture of service, ambience and coffee that spurred its explosive growth and success in recent years. "We are passionate about our coffee. And we will revisit our standards of quality that are the foundation for the trust that our customers have in our coffee and in all of us," Schultz wrote in a memo titled "Howard Schultz Transformation Agenda Communication #8." Fuck, that's pompous.

The move comes about a year after a memo was made public in which Schultz openly fretted about whether the Starbucks brand was being watered down by changes including adding automated espresso machines and using pre-ground, pre-packaged coffee in stores. Both moves have robbed the stores of some of their aroma and romance but have allowed customers to get their caffeine fix more quickly. I don't know if there were any references to shilling over-the-hill musical artists relentlessly, but that may have taken the sparkle away too.

Schultz, Starbucks' longtime chairman, has made several changes aimed at reviving Starbucks' growth since taking on the chief executive role in January. The kind of growth that can only come after cutting 600 positions, like it did last week. More forward thinking: Starbucks also recently announced that it was droppping its hot breakfast sandwiches, which customers liked but which many baristas said were smelly. Good. Eliminate a customer favorite because the employees find it "smelly". At this rate and with such aplomb, expect the 4,394 Starbucks on your street to be closed in two weeks.

Electron's Portrait

Scientists have filmed an electron in motion for the first time, using a new technique that will allow researchers to study the tiny particle's movements directly. Try and guess which 'tron it is.

Previously, it was impossible to photograph electrons because of their extreme speediness, so scientists had to rely on more indirect methods. Like getting it high on good weed. Or making it do long division.

Those methods were worthless, and others could only measure the effect of an electron's movement, the newest technique can capture the entire event. Since extremely short flashes of light are necessary to capture an electron in motion, short pulses of intense laser light, called attosecond pulses, get the job done. It takes about 150 attoseconds for an electron to circle the nucleus of an atom - an attosecond is 10-18 seconds long.

Using another laser, scientists can guide the motion of the electron to capture a collision between an electron and an atom on film. The length of the film corresponds to a single oscillation of a wave of light . The speed of the event has been slowed down for human eyes. The technique could also be used to study what happens in an atom when an electron leaves its shell.

The Fall

Uh...wow.

Monk's Blade

A Buddhist monk from Japan was killed after slipping and falling under the blades of his runaway tractor lawnmower, an inquest into his death has found. Guess they're not invincible warriors of God.

The Reverend Seiji Handa was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda when the accident occurred. Last August. What? Six months to determine that?

The coroner's office recorded it an accidental death. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake.

Handa came to Britain in 1978, when he began building a pagoda to promote peace. He had tended the pagoda with the help of nuns ever since. His main job was to trim the 12 acres of lawns around the monument. Little did he know he would become fertilizer.

Dead Air

Fly the deadly skies! Not a good weekend for the air travel industry...

GB Airways (a British airline) was forced to divert to Turkey after the co-pilot died in mid-flight. God took over from there.

The flight was carrying 156 passengers from Manchester to Paphos in Cyprus, but landed in Istanbul after "a medical emergency on the flight deck" occured. The co-pilot was pronounced dead once the plane had landed. Natural causes were claimed, but at 43, that's a little young to die naturally. The airline said passengers were never in danger.

Meanwhile, Carine Desir was pronounced dead on a nearly full Haiti-to-New York flight by a pediatrician who said he tried to use the plane's defibrillator on her as she faded, but her pulse was already too weak for it to work.

American Airlines defended its staff as professional and its equipment as sound, despite her family's claims that the crew ignored her pleas until it was too late. The doctor, Joel Shulkin, was one of several medical professionals who stepped in after flight attendants asked if any were on board. Shulkin said through his attorney, Justin Nadeau, that two emergency medical technicians performed CPR on Desir, a diabetic.

Desir had complained of not feeling well and being very thirsty after she ate a meal on the flight. A flight attendant brought water to her, but a few minutes later, Desir (herself a nurse) said she was having trouble breathing and asked for oxygen.

"Don't let me die," she said, but a flight attendant twice refused her request.

The airline spokesman said Desir's cousin flagged down a flight attendant and said Desir had diabetes and needed oxygen. "The flight attendant responded, 'OK, but we usually don't need to treat diabetes with oxygen, but let me check anyway and get back to you.'" Yes, that is correct...insulin is a way better choice. The employee spoke with another flight attendant, and both went to Desir within three minutes, but by that time the situation was worsening, and they immediately began administering oxygen. There were 12 oxygen tanks on the plane and the crew checked them before the flight took off to make sure they were working. At least two were used on Desir.

"Her last words were, 'I cannot breathe.'" You got that right.

MAGNA at Cannibal Flower

2008 will be known for many things, and even though there are still 10 more months to go, the CD release of Echo Location and performance by MAGNA at Cannibal Flower will be high atop the list.

Many special thanks to our boys who made the visual realm come to life Dave K. - master of lighting, and Jeremy L. - lord of video mixing and projectorism. The show would not have been half the success it was without them. Also, nothing but love for the CF family, especially LC and Michelle, for having MAGNA in their house again. For all the peoples who surprised us and came, and those who we counted on and were there, you were appreciated.

Uncharacteristic of a typical rock show, the band played completely obscured by the 25' tryptic screen, behind a mixture of ever-changing visuals and their silhouetted forms. Heeding reports from out in the crowd, the sizable audience surrounded the screen and watched the imagery, as MAGNA played the appropriate soundtrack.

The bass guitar mounted camera and two corner tripod fixtures transmitted to the video mixing console to be fed into the projector, as well as get recorded for archival purposes, and the band was miked for recoring. Sadly, the tech on the audio end coundn't keep up with the butchness and the audio tracks were not recovered to sync with the video, but the crash had no bearing on the performance.

You saw a whole lot more if you were there, but this is a little peek behind the curtain.