Succeed With MAGNA In 2014

Yes, on the successful heels of last years return to form, MAGNA is at it again at the Silverlake Lounge on January 15th.

Facebook that shit for details, and see ya there.

(a)Live This December

Sorry / you're welcome for the lack of posts in 2013...lots going on that doesn't make for interesting or funny blogging.  But important things like a long awaited MAGNA show will get posted.

MAGNA - Awake Ancient

Sure, my posts have been few and far between lately, but I have to break interweb silence to put these "trailers" up.  It's a kick ass album...if you like music, you need to buy it.  And if you don't like music, get it and take a listen so you can like music.

Multiple M Weekend

Lots of exciting stuff happening this weekend. First, if you're a mom, you get props for popping a kiddle out - thanks, Mom! And if you're a geek, summer movie season starts with the second Iron Man flick. F1 comes to Spain after a few weeks off, which is exciting, and even without my Kings in the playoffs, there's still lots of action. But most prominent is MAGNA!

After many delays, the band is getting back into the studio, and it will close a very important chapter - the end of drum tracking! Technically, all the parts are already done, but our first pass at "Vladimir Guerrero" before we really started this recording cycle was done without a click track, which for all the rest of the tunes has made them a little tighter. And once everything else was made that much better, we couldn't let an epic track not get it's due. After we kill the recording , we'll start to put the drums together for guitar and bass overdubs, and get album #2 closer to completion.

But before that happens, we're doing an encore at Rose City Rocks on May 21st. Like last year's festivities, we're playing at the Old Towne Pub hidden in Pasadena. Scartoe was swell enough to give the exact coordinates so there won't be any trouble finding this gig (or you can look for 66 N. Fair Oaks Blvd on your own)! If you didn't get to Cannibal Flower, here's your chance to get some MAGNA. And as a bonus, I'll spill a big detail - the set is completely filled with songs from the upcoming record.

Best of the week: I'm fascinated with the behind-the-scenes aspects of Disneyland...it's like learning how a magician does a trick. The LA Times had this article about the night crews who spruce up the park and make sure it stays ageless:

When the last Jungle Cruise boat docks for the night and lights fade to black on Sleeping Beauty's Castle, the real work begins. At lush Pixie Hollow, gardeners don miner's headlamps as they begin uprooting stubborn weeds. On Main Street, custodians scrape chewing gum off the sidewalk. And over at Mickey's Toontown, painters sand and recoat chipped handrails. Few see it happen, except perhaps for the dozens of feral cats that emerge from their hiding places to prowl the park after hours, stalking rodents. Welcome to the dark side of Disneyland.

Gone are Mickey and his friends. In their place are about 600 custodians, painters, gardeners and decorators, working to ensure that the 85-acre park meets the squeaky-clean ideals that Walt Disney himself extolled even before he launched the park 55 years ago. During a recent overnight shift, Disneyland provided a rare glimpse into the work that goes into maintaining the world's second-most-popular theme park. Though park officials wouldn't divulge how much money is spent on Disneyland's overall upkeep, they said most is spent on the night shift. And although most guests will never witness the after-hours work, theme park experts credit the park's continued success to its cleanliness and tidy conditions.

"Disney and many other parks recognize that keeping it clean and refreshed, with all of those little details that you don't notice until they are missing, are important to the park's success," said Gene Jeffers, executive director of the Themed Entertainment Assn., a nonprofit organization of designers and builders of theme parks and attractions. It's one of the many reasons attendance at Disneyland jumped 8% last year despite the economic downturn, while the crowd numbers dropped at Southern California competitors like Universal Studios Hollywood, Six Flags Magic Mountain and Knott's Berry Farm, according to a recent estimate.

To keep the park in good order, it takes a crew that works 365 nights a year, toiling under portable floodlights. "It's a city that never sleeps," said David Caranci, the manager of resort enhancement and decorating. "There is something always happening." And for nearly every nighttime task, there is a specific worker. Three workers are responsible solely for repairing and replacing the 800 umbrellas, 25,000 chairs and about 7,000 tables in the restaurants and snack bars in Disneyland and neighboring California Adventure Park. Four certified divers collect submerged trash and make repairs on water attractions like Finding Nemo and the Jungle Cruise.

The work can often be tedious and occasionally bizarre. At the Enchanted Tiki Room, a 17-minute musical show features 225 robotic birds, plants and singing tikis. Patrick Pendleton, the show's primary mechanic, has seen it more times than he can count. To make sure the characters work properly, he plays the show repeatedly, watching each closely. "It's hard to catch everything in one show," he said. Sometimes, the jobs require ingenuity, even for some of the more distasteful chores. For example, the Indiana Jones Adventure ride relies on nearly 1,000 black lights that shine on painted mesh screens to create floating ghost images. But the effect is marred when guests sometimes spit at the ghosts, and the saliva ends up on the screens where it glows under black lights. Because typical cleaning products bleach the screens, David Graefen, the ride's service manager, said his crew created a special saliva-cleaning solution.

Park workers have also found a resourceful way to remove other unwanted guests — rodents. Years ago — no one seems to know when — feral cats began to sneak into the park, living among the park's trees and shrubs during the day. At night, they venture out, and an estimated 200 cats now prowl through Disneyland and neighboring California Adventure Park. But instead of evicting the cats, Disneyland's animal wranglers work to control the feline population by spaying and neutering the adult cats and finding homes for all kittens born in the resort. The cats eat at five permanent feeding stations installed throughout the two parks. "We are not trying to get rid of them," said Gina Mayberry, manager of Disneyland's Circle D ranch, where the park's animals are housed. "They keep the rodent population down."

Other nighttime visitors are not so welcome. Before maintenance crews take over, security workers sweep through the park to find guests hoping to spend the night. (Don't even try hiding on Tom Sawyer's Island — park security knows all the hiding places.) "If someone tried to hide, they would not stay hidden for long," said Disneyland spokeswoman Suzi Brown. The primary goal of the after-hours crew is to pursue Disney's vision of an immaculate land, free of the litter and grime of the outside world.

Walt Disney himself led early efforts, insisting that attractions, gates and benches be repainted on schedule, even if a touch-up would suffice. He made sure light bulbs were replaced even before they burned out and trash cans were emptied before they were full. "When I started on Disneyland, my wife used to say, ‘But why do you want to build an amusement park? They're so dirty.' I told her that was just the point; mine wouldn't be," the founder said at the time. Longtime park fans say Disneyland hasn't always sparkled. In the mid-1990s, they say, park managers turned away from Disney's emphasis on cleanliness to save on maintenance costs. "For 10 years or so, it was horrible," said Al Lutz, founder of MiceAge, a fan website. "That wasn't Disneyland." But with the 50th anniversary of the park approaching in 2005, Disneyland officials renewed the push to operate a spotless park. And they turned, of course, to the night crew to make it happen.

Beginning after midnight, about 300 gardeners work to give the park its trademark manicured look. Spotting tiny pests like aphids and spider mites can be difficult for nighttime gardeners. But Disneyland horticulturalist Steve Fox said his biggest fear was tripping or falling in the dark. "We try not to hurry and try to do the work that is needed as best we can," he said. Meanwhile, the paint crews search for gates, fences, benches or buildings that have become faded, chipped or scratched. But they must use special paint that will dry before guests enter the park in the morning. Some areas such as Mickey's Toontown require special attention. To reverse the effects of thousands of climbing, scampering children, the crews run through gallons of paint a year on the brightly painted cartoonish village. "It's a pretty tough location," Caranci said.

Other overnight workers specialize on repairing damage caused by vandalism. Recently, park decorator Frank Franco worked for several hours at the Indiana Jones Adventure replacing rope that someone had pulled free from the ride's scenery. On a regular basis, Franco said, he finds that visitors have stolen or damaged fake skulls, lengths of bamboo, rope, nets and other props that create the ride's jungle ambiance. Armed with epoxy glue and screws, Franco tries to ensure that the props stay in place. "Every day is something different," he said.

As dawn breaks near Disneyland's Main Street, two custodians complete the final job of the night: scraping dried chewing gum from the pavement with metal blades attached to long poles. Gum is not sold in the park, but the sticky leftovers often end up on sidewalks, benches and tables. Nearby, a crowd has gathered at the park's entrance, waiting to pass through the turnstiles. Park greeter Bob Daisey stands just inside the park and raises his arms to get the visitors' attention. "We are about to open the original and most famous theme park in the world," he calls out, igniting cheers from throngs of fidgeting children. Meanwhile, night custodian Steve Tomatis cleans up the last of the chewing gum on Main Street. It's dirty work, but he knows it's essential to preserving Walt Disney's ideals. "We take care of this when everything else is done," he says. "It's a constant, ongoing problem, but it has to be done."

Plus: Most organs that are removed from bodies for transplants can last only four to eight hours before they become useless. But Harvard researchers have developed what they call “Somah” — a chemical mix that can preserve organs. This video shows a pig heart being revived using this process a day after it was removed from the pig. I'm guessing the rest of it may have ended up bacon.

The researchers harvested hearts from female pigs, stored them in one of the two solutions, then biopsied them at several points over the next four hours. They observed the function of the cardiomyocyte and endothelial cells–both of which must be preserved in order for the transplanted heart to survive over the long term. By measuring key proteins, they determined that the rate of cell death was significantly slower in the Somah-preserved hearts than it was in those stored with Celsior. Their experiments in pigs suggest that Somah keeps hearts and livers viable for at least 10 days. By contrast, solutions such as Celsior can only be counted on to preserve hearts and livers for about four and 12 hours, respectively.

So does this mean your next organ transplant may have a little Somah soaked in? Better than than pig juice.

Also: This is from Puck Daddy, and though it is about our divisional foes, it's still a very interesting read:

Game 2 of the San Jose Sharks' Western Conference semifinal series against the Detroit Red Wings featured one of the most peculiar hockey celebrations in years: a shark with an octopus stitched into its mouth, thrown on the HP Pavilion ice after Joe Pavelski's first-period goal in what was a 4-3 Sharks victory.

That game was played on Sunday, May 2. Back on May 2, 2007, a shark also hit the ice during a San Jose/Detroit playoff game, as a response to the Wings fans' long-standing tradition of throwing octopi on the ice for their team. The same men behind that defiant celebration returned to the Shark Tank to do it again three years later. How did they pull it off then? How did they pull it off now? It's a tale that is equal parts heist movie and sports comedy, from security shakedowns to toxic fish to carefully orchestrated smuggling maneuvers to a large dead shark in a sporting arena. And now it's the stuff of hockey legend.

"Alfonso Bedoya," 63, was the man who tossed the shark. (He requested we go with the pseudonym here, although the posse was exposed in coverage of their 2007 exploits.) He has been playing hockey all his life. His father, an Edmonton native, helped get youth hockey going in the Bay Area. They attended California Golden Seals games together with their Charlie Finley ownership whimsy (green and gold skates) and allegedly served as the cradle of "The Wave." Alfonso said that's where his affinity for hockey absurdity began.

"My dad is 94. He was watching [Game 2] and he's calling me and asking if we're going to [throw the shark]," he said. In 1994, goalie Arturs Irbe helped the San Jose Sharks upset the Detroit Red Wings in a No. 1 vs. No. 8 series; "ecstasy" for hockey fans in the Bay Area, Alfonso said. The following season took it from ecstasy to tragedy: The Red Wings swept the Sharks, and Alfonso focused his frustrations on the octopi Wings fans would toss on the ice. "It just bugged me," said Alfonso. "And then we didn't play them again for quite a while [in the playoffs]. When we finally did, I called up my cousin and told him we have to respond to the octopus. "We need to throw a shark on the ice. He said, 'I'm in.'"

The 2007 Shark Toss
The 2007 shark toss had its problems and its triumphs. "That wasn't very well-organized. And the shark was too big. It was horrendous," said Alfonso. The conspirators ducked under a freeway overpass and strapped the fish to Alfonso. The shark, stuffed in a garbage bag, was literally tied to his back under a huge down coat. The weight of the thing necessitated a second rope be used to secure it, wrapped around its tail and tied to Alfonso's belt. Alfonso, his nephew and his cousin all had tickets and went to the gate for Game 4 of the Sharks' series against Detroit. His cousin asked a question of the ticket taker, offering a moment of distraction so Alfonso could slip by with nary a query about the gigantic jacket he was wearing on an 85-degree day.

The first shark toss back in 2007 occurred in the middle of the first period. After it, Alfonso had left for an icy adult beverage when arena security personnel showed up at their seats, where his cousin and his nephew were sitting. Security kept telling those in the section that it was an informational investigation: No one was getting kicked out of the playoff game; they just wanted to know what protocols were breached to allow an adult shark through the turnstiles. His cousin, hearing their intentions, admitted he was part of the operation. They ejected him. They lied to him," said Alfonso. "Then they asked him how he got the shark in, and he said 'You're kicking me out and you think I'm gonna tell ya?' They also told him they had to bring in the hazmat team. He's like, 'IT'S A FISH.'"

Fifteen minutes later, another arena security detail sat next to Alfonso and began asking informal questions about how the shark was smuggled into the game. Alfonso, knowing what any admission of guilt would portend, told him the shark had been "growing under the ice" all that time. Ten minutes after that, Alfonso's cell phone rang and a voice told him to look across the ice at the luxury boxes. It was his cousin, waving at him. A random Sharks fan had to leave in an emergency and bumped into him after he was ejected. Informed that this was the shark-tossing guy, he gave him a pass to the suite. Karma rules.

Lessons Learned
The reaction to the shark toss was positive, as fans buzzed about it in the arena and around the Web afterward. But it wasn't all positive: Some fans didn't understand why they'd throw a dead version of the team's mascot on the ice. Was it symbolic of playoff fate or something, considering the Sharks lost that game in 2007? "This year, we decided to put an octopus in the shark's mouth. People will get that," said Alfonso, who located several mollusks at a Chinese market in San Francisco.

The 2007 experience gave them a base of knowledge heading into their 2010 attempt. For example, finding the shark proved difficult three years ago, so Alfonso and gang got on that task earlier this round: By calling a biological supply company in North Carolina, ordering three sharks that would have been used for dissection and medical examination. When they arrived, the top fins were sliced off, as were the tails. "And there were six pages of Hazmat [expletive] about the formaldehyde stuff," he said, acknowledging that this option wasn't a workable one.

They frantically called all the fish shops in the Bay Area with little luck, as it isn't shark-fishing season. So they went to the docks again and started handing out a cell phone number to fishermen, offering $50 for a shark. About 3:30 p.m. on Saturday, they got the call: There was a 3-foot Leopard shark waiting for them, freshly caught. They had three tickets to the game, all in the upper deck, so they purchased two downstairs, on the blue line, for a large price tag online. Got the tickets. Got the shark, with the previously frozen octopus literally sewn into its jaws by using a large carpet needle. The shark was then stuffed into a garbage bag. Now, how did they get it inside?

The 2010 Shark Toss
The coat thing wasn't going to work, as Sunday was even warmer than that fateful day in 2007. So they used Foster, a lanky 6-foot-3 lacrosse player, as their smuggler: Rubber-banding the shark to his leg, securing it with duct tape and then having him wear a large, baggy pair of sweatpants over it. He shuffled along through security, which once again were distracted by the co-conspirators.

When was the shark released from the leg? During introductions, when the arena goes black and -- oh, the delicious symmetry -- a humungous shark head descends from the rafters as the players skate out. By the end of the introductions, the shark was under the seats, folded neatly in its bag and ready for launch. Because it was freshly caught, there was no odor, no fishy smell at all. They decided they would throw the shark after the first San Jose goal of the night. Did they ever consider that Wings goalie Jimmy Howard might pitch a shutout in Game 2? "Yeah," Alfonso said, "and we would have been [expletive]."

At 9:01 of the first period, with Detroit up 1-0, Joe Pavelski scored on the power play for San Jose. This was it. Foster, the lacrosse guy, reached down and handed Alfonso the shark. (The octopus, at this point, was literally dripping out of its mouth.) He left his seats and ran down through several rows of euphoric fans, stopping just about even at the top of the glass so he wouldn't have to put too much arc on the toss. "As soon as people saw it, as I was carrying it, they were like 'YEAH!'" he recalled. And then he chucked it onto the ice, watching it slide out across the blue line, where Pavelski nearly turned it into sushi with his skate blade. By that time, Alfonso was already headed back up the stairs.

He arrived at the seats and took off his teal shirt and black hat, giving them to another conspirator a few rows away. He donned a grey T-shirt, fading into the menagerie of fans, and then left for the bathroom, high-fiving an usher on the way. How did they avoid another investigation like in 2007? Thought of that one, too: Alfonso switched tickets with one of the upper deckers, who sat down in the lower-bowl seats formerly occupied by Alfonso and the shark with an octopus in its mouth. The arena officials visited between periods, but couldn't develop any leads on the shark-hurler.

Postgame
After the Sharks' victory, the conspirators met to share a laugh and congratulate each other, like the scene at the Bellagio fountains at the end "Ocean's 11," only in a hockey arena parking lot. And with no fountains. Or Brad Pitt. Alfonso began to see and hear the reaction to the exploit in the next 24 hours. He was surprised, for example, that no television cameras caught the shark -- surprised and suspicious, actually, that perhaps it was an intentional omission. Will there be another chance to film a flying shark eating an octopus in Game 5 (if necessary)? "We're retired," he said, with a laugh. "The plan went great, we didn't get thrown out, it went on the ice, it had the octopus, and nobody got caught." Did he hope the success of this plan would inspire others? "That was certainly our hope the first time," he said. "I'd love for it to be a real tradition. But it's damn hard to do."

And: A New Jersey family that lost one daughter rock-climbing four years ago lost a second daughter last week to a vacation tragedy.

Art student Lauren Failla (25) was attacked and killed by a crocodile on April 29 while snorkeling at a tropical island resort in India, authorities said. Failla was was swimming with a friend in the waters off Radhanagar Beach on Havelock Island in Andaman when the croc suddenly struck, according to reports. Her companion reportedly videotaped the attack as the crocodile clamped the victim in its jaws and pulled her to her death. Her body was found on a nearby beach the next day.

Her older sister, Emily, a 24-year-old teacher, fell to her death while rock-climbing in Washington state in July 2006. It's too bad for the family, but if they'd had lower impact hobbies I'm guessing they'd still be alive. The only people to die from stamp collecting were in relation to boredom.

Best picture of the week:

you finally made it big in Hollywood!

Best bonus links:

• Christian Right Leader George Rekers Takes Vacation With Rent Boy - Everybody should have the balls to say their gay tryst is just a hired porter because you have a bad back.

• The LA Mulholland - These shoes are gorgeous. Big John Fluevog fan, even over the ladies footwear.

• Congress, Where 44% Are Millionaires, Freezes Pay - Screw those 56% of losers who don't make the cut. The rich are going to keep them down!

• US Capital Okays Medical Marijuana - I okay it too, and I don't even live in D.C. Famous sister is my proxy.

• Make Your Own Homemade Pop Tarts - Very helpful if you live in D.C.

• Grenada Man Hauls Bucket Of Human Heads To Police - That's not going to start a trend. Next time, bring your firearms to the Guns For Toys exchange.

• Health: "We Are Water" - Eric Wareheim makes another oddball video, complete with bloody genitals.

• The Greatest, Nerdiest We're Expecting Announcement You Will See All Day - You need to watch if for no other reason then to see something launched into an exhaust port "baby hole".

• Musicians Lose Millions In Gear In Nashville Flood - Brad Paisley, Keith Urban, Vince Gill, LeAnn Rimes and others can't make music now. Hooray!

• Saw II Director Explains How He Lied His Way Into Hollywood - There's nothing better than someone beating the system

• Bedbound By Boobs - This week's automatic entry. I wish I could be bedbound by boobs. Like half a dozen pairs.

• Politician Outed By Opponent ... As Straight - Though that picture is compelling evidence to the contrary.

• Robert Rodriguez' Illegal Machete Trailer Message To Arizona On Cinco De Mayo - That header is almost as long as the trailer itself. Nevertheless, they still messed with the wrong Mexican.

• If You Expect To See Well, You Will - Suck it, optometry! And I'll spare you the carrot story where I ate so many I turned orange.

• Sex Degrees Of Charlie Sheen - Me and three other people are the only ones not to have slept with him.

• The Dead Fly Artwork Of Magnus Muhr - Not as controversial as his dead kitten phase, but way less mainstream resistance.

• Hey, Race Cars Aren’t Supposed To Fly - But sometimes, they can! And it's magical!

Worst of the week: A Brazilian archbishop said adolescents are "spontaneously homosexual" and in need of guidance, while society at large is pedophile. And that's winner of this week's "The Catholic Church is full of crazy idiots" segment!

Archbishop Dadeus Grings — a (quite) conservative priest, took a few momwnts out of a Brazilian bishops conference to say that society's woes are being reflected in the sex abuse scandal enveloping the Roman Catholic Church. "Society today is pedophile, that is the problem. So, people easily fall into it. And the fact it is denounced is a good sign". It's not the priest's at fault for molesting kids - society did it!

That interesting considering that's not exactly in line with Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the No. 2 official at the Vatican, who said that the sex scandals were linked to homosexuality and not celibacy among priests. Perhaps it's a clever tactic to defect attention. There have been several cases of priests allegedly abusing children that have surfaced in Brazil in recent months. Naturally, Grings denounced the abuse within the church, but he said internal punishment of priests guilty of abuse was sufficient and that police should not be involved. Right - so that the secret stays hidden for another generation.

The archbishop also said it was important to help children avoid homosexuality. "We know that the adolescent is spontaneously homosexual. Boys play with boys, girls play with girls," he said. "If there is no proper guidance, this sticks. The question is — how are we going to educate our children to use a sexuality that is human and suitable?" Grings also said the acceptance of homosexuality in society could pave the way for the acceptance of pedophilia. "When sexuality is trivialized, it's clear that this is going to affect all cases. Homosexuality is such a case. Before, the homosexual wasn't spoken of. He was discriminated against. When we begin to say they have rights, rights to demonstrate publicly, pretty soon, we'll find the rights of pedophiles," he said. The only pedophiles and homosexuals in this equation are on the Church side, so what kind of case are you making exactly?

The archbishop has made stupid, controversial comments in the past. In 2003, he argued that only 1 million Jews died in the Holocaust, though a few years later he recanted. Last year, he outraged Jewish groups in Brazil by telling a magazine that "more Catholics than Jews died in the Holocaust, but this isn't known because the Jews control the world's media."

For pennance, say one"fuck the Church" and three "shut your goddamn lying mouth".

Plus: This is video of a SWAT raid on a family in Missouri. The officers found a small amount of cannabis, and so they arrested the parents on a charge of child endangerment. But did it require the overkill as seen in the clip?

Poster Radly Balko (that's your name? really?)said, "It's horrifying, but I'd urge you to watch it, and to send it to the drug warriors in your life. This is the blunt-end result of all the war imagery and militaristic rhetoric politicians have been spewing for the last 30 years -- cops dressed like soldiers, barreling through the front door middle of the night, slaughtering the family pets, filling the house with bullets in the presence of children, then having the audacity to charge the parents with endangering their own kid. There are 100-150 of these raids every day in America, the vast, vast majority like this one, to serve a warrant for a consensual crime."

Okay hippie, take it easy. We get the point though - it's not cool to live in a police state.

Also: A Los Angeles County Superior Court commissioner has ordered Dodgers owner Frank McCourt to pay his estranged wife, Jamie, $637,159 a month in temporary spousal support, plus lawyers' fees pending their divorce. Thanks, commissioner dickbag!

The amount falls short of the $988,845 that Jamie McCourt requested, and more than half that requested amount ($568,829), her lawyers said, is needed to pay the costs, including mortgages, of seven homes and an eighth piece of property in Mexico that are listed in her name. And who's to say eight houses in this economy is too many? Her lawyers argued that spousal support should include those costs since her estranged husband used to contribute funds to the housing. The commissioner specified that $412,159 of the monthly total should go to payment of costs associated with the properties, but ordered the property in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, to be sold. No, not the beach house!

In the months since she made her ridiculous request, Jamie McCourt has been vilified in the court of public opinion and in the courtroom -- where her husband's attorney likened her to Marie Antoinette. I don't know what they said, but if there's anything related to cutting her head off then I agree. Both sides concur in court that the couple has lived lavishly but they have bitterly disagreed over how Jamie McCourt should sustain that lifestyle during the divorce proceedings.

Her lawyers argued that Frank McCourt has access to $18 million annually and should not withhold from his wife the funds she needs to maintain the lifestyle that they created together. I live on less than 1/100th of that just fine, so put that begging hand away, lady. "They were their houses and the title was just in her name," her civil attorney said of the properties. "Jamie didn't go out and buy two houses in Holmby Hills and two houses in Malibu.... They bought two houses in Holmby Hills and two houses in Malibu." So then she didn't buy them and isn't entitled to them.

The court filings on spousal support has also invited curiousity, from the descriptions of their houses and their stays in the finest hotels to the personal hairstylists for both husband and wife. But the spousal support fight is just a small part of the couple's disagreement. The bigger source of conflict -- which could have major consequences outside their marriage -- is over ownership of the Dodgers. Frank McCourt argues that he alone owns the baseball team. Jamie McCourt says they share ownership. The trial on that issue is scheduled to begin in late August.

And: A chef has died after an eel was put up his ass. No, this didn't happen in West Hollywood.

Shocked doctors in Sichuan, China, found the sea creature in the 59-year-old man's rectum after his death. The Asian swamp eel was allegedly inserted into the unnamed man's bottom, after he passed out drunk, by pals playing a prank on him. Medics said the eel had devoured his bowels. Pranks are fun, but let's look at some of the facts here:

1) somebody had to not only come up with the idea of shoving an eel up this guy's ass, but also had to say that out - "hey, let's shove an eel up his ass"

2) everybody else agreed it was a good idea to shove an eel up a guy's ass

3) one of them located an eel, with the express purpose of shoving it up a guy's ass

4) somebody pulled this guy's pants down and exposed his ass so that an eel could be shoved in it

5) at least one person had to shove an eel in a guy's ass

6) after shoving the eel up a guy's ass, none of them reconsidered if shoving an eel up a guy's ass was a bad idea

So I guess it was a pretty good prank after all.

Worst picture of the week:

when Assy Pig Tank met 12 Year Old Lesbian

Worst bonus links:

• 'Bones' Star David Boreanaz Admits To Infidelity - I knew Hollywood was full of douches who can't keep their dicks in their pants, but this clown was married to a former Playboy playmate. Dude, if you're not good tagging playmate ass, just fuck off.

• World's Oldest Person Dies A Week Short Of 115th Birthday - Bummer you're not going to get to see Iron Man 2. They've got an extra scene at the end of the movie!

• Spanish Face Transplant Patient Goes Public - Too soon! Too soon! The pictures all look like the before, not the after.

• Leno’s Crappy Jokes Were Recycled - Doing a cherry gig for the president, and you can't even get fresh material. Lazy chin.

• Sully Could Have Made it Back to the Airport - Not such a hero now, are you captain? Serves you right for making a split second decision that doesn't jibe with the hindsight of tested flight simulators!

• Massachusetts Woman With No Arms Preparing For Black Belt - We can all be thrilled for having indomitable spirit, but this is just a joke, right? I'm pretty sure I could kick her armless ass, and all the training I ever had was being a sparring dummy for Herr Doctor in 9th grade. this is wht worst thing to happen to martial arts since the black Karate Kid remake.

• L.A. Orders 439 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries To Close - I order them to wait until I finish placing my order!

• Post-Boob Job Kate Hudson Feels Like a Princess - Her boobs feel like a princess? She's the only actress to get fake tits who doesn't look like they got implants at all.

• Duh, TV Makes Kids Fat and Stupid - Um, well...duh!

• Off-Duty LAPD Officer Was Legally Drunk When She Died In Car Crash - Looks like some of the uniforms need to pay more attention to the D.A.R.E. training.

• 23-Year-Old Wins $1M Playing Baseball Video Game - He's probably not going to mind when he only gets $3 selling it back to GameStop. But that is too much money to win for playing any video game. Ever.

• The Drug Cartel's Diamond-Studded Gun Cache - What happened to the good old days where too much moeny in the drug trade meant imported sports cars, exotic prostitutes, and lots of drugs?

• Study: Older, Unmarried, Educated Moms On Rise - If you are older and unmarried with a child, 'educated' must be used fairly loosely.

• One Chinese Baby Born With Syphilis Every Hour - Finally, they found a way to harm the children faster than using their toxic food, toys, and medicine!

• World's Biggest Beaver Dam Discovered In Northern Canada - It would have made the other link group until I realized what they were talking about. And did somebody really measure it and compare it to the previous record holder?

• Adriana Lima: It Was Easy Losing My Baby Weight - That's not a very PC way to discuss having an abortion, you boastful bitch.

• Naked Scanner Reveals Airport Screener's Tiny Penis, Sparks Fist Fight With Fellow Officers - That's our TSA...harrassing each either over tiny dicks when they should be focused on bigger dicks trying to blow up our planes.

(Another) MAGNA / Cannibal Flower Weekend

You've got your reminder, so we hope to see you Saturday night. And if you're able to wake up early Sunday morning, there's the Aussie GP, which should be far better than the sluggish parade in Bahrain two weeks ago.

Best of the week: James Cameron has always been outspoken...being one of the most profitable filmmakers in history will do that to you. This week he's has a few quotable remarks.

First, the Avatar DVD will be released solely with the movie. The picture tells you all you need to know. But the real sauce comes from his comments about Glenn "Dickbag" Beck.

"Glenn Beck is a fucking asshole," Cameron said at a news conference to promote the DVD release of Avatar. "I've met him. He called me the anti-Christ and not about Avatar. He hadn't even seen Avatar yet. I don't know if he has seen it."

Cameron was likely referring to Beck's reaction to his controversial 2007 documentary, The Lost Tomb of Jesus, which raises questions about Jesus' resurrection. Beck introduced a CNN interview with Cameron by saying, "Many people believe James Cameron officially has tossed his hat in the ring today and is officially running for anti-Christ."Cameron eventually did some back pedaling after blasting Beck, but suggested the two sit down to discuss political and environmental issues.

"I think, you know what, he may or may not be an asshole, but he certainly is dangerous, and I'd love to have a dialogue with him," Cameron said. And Cameron explained that Beck is dangerous because "his ideas are poisonous." "I couldn't believe when he was on CNN. I thought, what happened to CNN? Who is this guy? Who is this madman? And then of course he wound up on Fox News, which is where he belongs, I guess," Cameron said.

And just a few weeks back, he slagged Clash Of The Titans for half-assing the 3-D process. Way to go Jimmy, call it like you see it.

Plus: Hot Tub Time Machine writer Josh Heald recently wrote a short piece about the process of getting his film made. If you're old enough to remember One Crazy Summer and Better Off Dead, then, like me, you're looking forward to this. A small excerpt below:

The second burning question people always ask is, “What the hell was the pitch meeting like when Hot Tub Time Machine got sold?” I wish it was a crazier story. I wish there was blackmail or other nefarious business practices involved. There’s probably a version of the story where a movie executive has a vendetta against his bosses and buys the film for the purpose of bringing down the organization – and perhaps bringing about the complete destruction of the entertainment business as we know it. It was actually a very normal meeting.

It was May 2008. I had an extremely detailed outline for the screenplay, a lot of which is represented on screen. It was early in the week when I met with MGM, who completely understood the potential for this movie. They snapped it up and told me to get to work on the script. Twelve weeks later, I handed them the first draft – and at that point, the project moved into overdrive. The name Cusack came up and before long, we had a director. And a killer cast. And a green light. I had written Rob Corddry’s role specifically for him, so I was especially thrilled when he loved the script and came aboard. And Craig Robinson and Clark Duke could not have been more hilarious and perfectly cast.

Also: The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism (and Pakistan) - the world's hottest chili.

After conducting tests, the military has decided to use the thumb-sized bhut jolokia, aka "ghost chili," to make tear gas-like hand grenades to immobilize suspects. The bhut jolokia was accepted by Guinness World Records in 2007 as the world's spiciest chili. It is grown and eaten in India's as a cure for stomach troubles and a way to fight the crippling summer heat. The pepper has more than 1,000,000 Scoville units, the scientific measurement of a chili's spiciness. Classic Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units, while jalapeno peppers measure anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000. Trials are also on to produce bhut jolokia-based aerosol sprays to be used by women against attackers and for the police to control and disperse mobs.

However, that won't stop Anadita Dutta Tamuly. Last year she ate 51 one the peppers in under two minutes. She then shocked onlookers by smearing handfuls of seeds into her eyes.

And: It’s recently been discovered that a species of jellyfish, the turritopsis nutricula, can revert back to its first stage of life, meaning it is the only known animal with no natural limit on its lifespan. It could theoretically live forever when kept away from predators and other dangers.

The jellyfish can perform transdifferentiation, changing one type of cell into another. Some animals can perform limited transdifferentiation (e.g. starfish regrowing limbs), but turritopsis nutricula can turn back the aging process on all of its cells. Because they are able to bypass death, the number of animals are spiking. They’re now found in oceans around the globe rather than just in their native Caribbean waters. I think somebody has to find a way to make those delicious so they can thin them out. Lobster was once a sea-spider before they found a little butter...

Best picture of the week:

Lindsay Lohan assumes the position...a familiar one

Best bonus links:

• Man Puts Dead Squirrel On Penis And Shows Kids - The headline is enough to merit posting.

• Name Of The Year: Better Bracketology - NCAA basketball is lame, and the hoopla around the tournament is grossly overated. So if you have have a bunch of nonsense to follow, at least let it sound like nonsense.

• Sandra Would Have Hit Jesse With A Baseball Bat - And not just once. I think she would have beat the tattoos right off him.

• California Initiative To Legalize Marijuana Qualifies For November Ballot - And I will vote yes on that. Twice.

• Killer Icicles Terrorizing Pedestrians In Russia - Worse than the KGB and more difficult to avoid than seceding satellite state, it looks as though there's a new Red Scare.

• MTV Sets Schedule For Final Season Of The Hills - It's already been forgotten, but soon it will also be gone!

• RNC Loses Bid To Raise Unlimited 'Soft' Money - Anytime the words Republican and lose are in the same sentence, I'm happy. And bonus points that it negatively effects their fund raising.

• NHL Players' Union Approves New Head Shot Ban - Nut shots, eye gouges are still permitted.

• Weird Trading Cards From Japanese Mayonnaise Packaging - You mean, your mayonnaise doesn't have trading cards? Processed egg fat isn't the same without it!

• Death From GHB And Chardonnay - Vulgar and disgusting, but a decent sync job.

• No. 1 UConn Routs Temple, 90-36 - Gee, not a surprise from the month-long basketball fiasco where people care more about fantasy standings than knowing anything about more than three teams.

• Almost All The Naughty NSFW Images On Wikipedia In One Place - Granted, it's no better than doing a Google search, but it's like finding a dirty picture in a textbook at school. Cheap

• Dog Eats Police Car - It probably just wanted the cute little blue chew toys on the inside. They make a squeaky noise and are filled with doughnuts.

• He Said Yes! - As in, "Chris Evans agreed to play Captain America." Which has to be better than if the part had gone, as rumored, to Ryan Phillippe, John Krasinski, Mike Vogel, Garret Hedlund, Scott Porter, Chace Crawford, Michael Cassidy, and almost every pretty non-brunette male actor in Hollywood under 30.

• Teenage Girl Gives Herself Carpal Tunnel From Sending 4,000 Texts A Month - And 3,800 were to the same person. Do you really need to send "OMG!" after every single thing?

• Reciting Pi While Balancing Books And Spinning A Rubik's Cube - Pretty impressive, but let's not feel bad when she ends up not going to prom. We're going to point right back to this.

• Scientists Look To Tobacco As A Potential Biofuel - Are we talking the plant leaf or the discarded chaw? That would be cool to watch Earl spit a ball of murky chew juice down onto his tractor engine. That's a scientific win-win.

Worst of the week: Dumb Americans have always had extreme views of President Obama, but a controversial new survey shows some real insanity. suggesting that 40 percent of adults believe he is a socialist, and about a quarter of survey participants thinking the president is a racist, anti-American and even doing things Hitler did.

The results come from an online Harris Poll involving 2,320 adults (?) who were surveyed online between March 1 and March 8. Respondents were read each of 15 statements and asked whether they thought they were true or false. The sample of people was selected from among roughly 4 million people who agreed to participate and are given "modest incentives". The results were then "weighted to reflect the composition of the U.S. adult population". Take a look and see if it makes any sense, or if we're a country full of lunatics.

Here's the percentage breakdown of respondents' views of President Obama:

38% say he wants to take away Americans' right to own guns.

32% say he is a Muslim.

29% think he wants to turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one world government.

14% of Americans say President Barack Obama may be the Antichrist.

29% think he has done many things that are unconstitutional.

27% say he resents America's heritage.

27% say he does what Wall Street and the bankers tell him to do.

25% say he was not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president.

25% say he is a domestic enemy that the U.S. Constitutions speaks of.

23% say he is a racist.

23% say he is anti-American.

23% say he wants to use an economic collapse or terrorist attack as an excuse to take dictatorial powers.

20% say he is doing many of the things that Hitler did.

If that's the case, America must be destroyed.

Plus: There's a reason Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber exists. And any one of them would be far less annoying than this wigger bitchboy.

And there's too much media in the world about him. Here's a promo clip about Bieber for an upcoming MTV show, which consists of him blow drying his hair. This isn't like having a talent like Freddie Mercury sing random newspaper columns, or Picasso making doodles while talking on the phone. It's a pre-pubescent turd who is working his gay q-tip doo - and that's actually passing for advertisement?

Currently, the authorities are trying to indite Bieber's manager for a mall appearance frenzy, but if they really want to punish people for a crime, it should be the fans for having such shit taste.

Also: Jennifer Love Hewitt's new book came out this week, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic -- no really, that's what the damn thing is called. Well timed to coincide with getting dumped I might add. She gave an interview to USA Today about how ridiculous she is. I think that's what the point was.

"It's not the ideal situation," she says about the flame-out of her relationship, "but the thing I'm really happy about is that I never say in the book that I know how to find perfect love or how to be in the perfect relationship." So then what's the point? Just to share your failing wisdom? "I'm thrust back into the dating world as the book is coming out, so I feel more than ever that people will know I'm kind of with them in the trenches." And realize that perhaps you're a touch full of shit about your own advice

She says it isn't tough being single again. "It's what life handed me, and I'm OK with it." Sure. "I know wholeheartedly that I'm a really good partner. I think I'm a really good girlfriend, and I think that I could be a really good wife. I know that I love being able to give my love out to someone. I know there is somebody great out there for me." She's like a living, breathing dating site commercial.

Despite being a "serial dater" and unsuccessful relationships with the likes of John Mayer and actor Ross McCall, she says, "I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. My middle name is Love. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. I want to have a family and children. I am a sucker for every romantic comedy that comes out." No, you're female equivielent of a man-child. Grow up orenjoy old maidenhood.

Worst picture of the week:

it was a bad idea for the presidential election, so how desparate are you to bring that unqualified idiot back again?

Worst bonus links:

• 147 Toddlers Infected In Uzbek HIV Outbreak - It must be that gay, intraveinous drug lifestyle that they're known for. When will these children grow up and see the consequences of their actions?

• David Arquette: Why We Named Our Daughter Coco - Because you're a dumb motherfucker.

• Divorce Attorney Says Dennis Hopper Is Dying - Though he just got a gratuitous Walk-Of-Fame star, it's sad that he's withering away from cancer. That is pretty much the only way to win in a divorce.

• Hamilton Stopped By Police / Virgin Fuel Tank Not Big Enough - F1 news in advance of the race in Melbourne, neither effecting the outcome. Hambone likes to make burnouts leaving practice, and Virgin made a rookie mistake.

• Transformers 3 Hires More Quality Actors to Have Giant Robots Pee On - In this economy, everybody will take work just to get a paycheck. Horrible work for a undeserved paycheck.

• Is This What You Want? - Fuck and no. Green Day stopped being interesting years before their magnum opus crap "American Idiot". So how awful does a Braodway show look based on that? It makes the Spider-Man musical look like a Sondheim production.

• Glenn Beck On Martin Luther King And Gandhi - Nobody needs to hear what this raging dumbass has to say about those men. He's not even good enough to mention their names. Next up, Dick Cheney on Mother Teresa.

• Panthers’ Booth Leaves Game After Check To Head - Does this guy have a target on his back or what? That's the second blast of the season - and he was already out for 45 games after the first hit.

• Heathrow Worker Warned In Scanner Ogling Claim - He was told to stop having fun at work.

• Bin Laden Warns US Not To Kill 9-11 Mastermind - It would really hurt his feelings.

• Vatican Declined to Defrock U.S. Priest Who Abused Boys - Do you want the Church to start punishing their own for following doctrine? Beside, what good is defrocking him after he defrocked all those boyd?

• Chinese Boy Born With A Record 31 Fingers And Toes / 1 In 10 Chinese Adults Are Diabetics, Study Finds - Their toxic food and medicine production foreshadowed a country with a serious health issues.

• The Peanut Butter Man - I have no idea why...but he exists.

• Study Finds Status, Not Wealth, Closely Linked To Happiness - I find that my wealth increases my status. But more importantly, the more money I have, the happier I am. I'm not sure what you can buy with a million status...but a million dollars goes pretty far.

• Trainer's Family Wants SeaWorld Death Video Sealed - There is a valuable lesson in watching the animal kingdom go berserk. I don't know what it is, but maybe after I see the video a few times, it will ocme to me.

• I'm No Hacker, Says Man Who Cracked Obama's Twitter - That's right up there with, "I'm no criminal", says many who robbed convenience store. Innocence through misdirection.

• The First Legal Gigolo In America Quits - I guess that disputes the notion that men will fuck anything. The nice thing about prostitutes is you're paying them to leave, not for the sex, but in his case they were paying to stay.

That CF Time Of Year

The MAGNA boys are happy to return to the scene of the crime...even if the scene keeps changing locations.

For anyone who has not seen MAGNA live, this is one of the best events to check out because it's a brilliant combination of underground art, performance, and alternative culture - all in one place. Cannibal Flower has been going nine years strong as a mobile art show, and this will be our fourth (!) time sharing the room with terrific artists, photographers, DJs, and super-creative folks. As a bonus, there will also be a rope bondage act that evening, which looks very cool.

The best part is the whole thing costs less than a movie, lasts longer, and will make you look like the hippest person ever to your friends, families, and significant others. Actually, MAGNA is the best part, but that'll seal the deal once you're there.

You can check the Facebook event page or the Cannibal Flower site, but either way, go!

Krampusnacht Scheisse

Hopefully you got the phone call, Facebook update, or Twitter blast that there was trouble Saturday night, but many of you now know that the MAGNA Krampusnacht show did not quite go as planned.

Checking randomly about 90 minute before the show, Rybot saw that there was no info for the bill up on the C.IA. website, and not having the venue promoting your event can be the first sign of a problem. Both Scaretoe and I were on our way to the venue, packed and ready. A few phone calls and it became clear that C.I.A. double booked the night.

Any guesses as to who wasn't getting to play?

Yeah, the guys not on the schedule at the venue. There was a combination of profuse apology and blamethrowing by their owner who claimed the show wasn't "confirmed" and that he did not have it "written" on his schedule. I believe that would be his fault for not properly handling his own system of booking and information keeping.

Worse, the three other bands we booked onto the bill were getting hosed as well, and being told when they called the place that the night was not confirmed makes it apprear to be MAGNA's fault. See-Thru was kind enough to resend the communication to C.I.A. to refresh the owner's already failed memory. Judge for yourself and tell me if there's a gig booked or not?

--- On Tue, 11/17/09, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX> wrote:
From: XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com>
Subject: Dec 12th timeslots
To: XXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009, 12:33 PM

Hey XXXX,
The other bands must be youngsters or something, they keep bugging us about the times. They want to have the first band start at 8pm. Do you ever do that? Or 8:30? Any earlier you are willing to start would be great, no worries if not.

~XXXX from Magna


On Tue, Nov 17, 2009 at 1:10 PM, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX wrote:

HEY MAN-THE FIRST BAND WILL LOAD IN AT 8PM AND START AT 8:30PM-MAKE SURE THESE BANDS KNOW THEY MUST PROMOTE THE SHOW. WE HAVE HAD TO TAKE FAIRLY DRASTIC MEASURES AND SHOT DOWN BANDS WHO BRING ANY THING LESS THAN 15 PEOPLE. I CAN'T PAY MY STAFF WITH BANDS WHO BRING ANY LESS BECAUSE IT BECOMES A FREE REHEARSAL. THIS IS A PRIME NIGHT AND WE EXPECT BANDS TO TREAT IT AS SUCH AND PROMOTE THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR SHOWS.
THANKS-ANY QUESTIONS 818 xxx-xxxx

BEST-xxxx

Sounds to me like there was a show scheduled.

So if MAGNA plays there again, well, that remains to be seen, but I don't know what benefit there would be anyway. We've been able to get prime nights and slots, and were setting up entire bills - what's the point of taking that responsibility on, and for what? Other than the apology and wry comment from the owner, "That's showbiz," what is there to gain? At least SHP was cool when they cut the set at The Viper Room in half and made good by working on an El Rey show, but what is C.I.A. going to do for MAGNA? And how to you get people show up there after they've been had once? Or the band?

In an attempt to salvage the night, we did a low volume set at Rybot's place a few hours later, which was a cool, intimate performance. Sorry if you got burned and we didn't catch you before you got there for the show (Scartoe and I stood in the rain for a half hour trying to catch you music hungry souls) - we'll try to make it up with another show soon. And we made a new fan and friend, who heard the band on Last.fm and came to check us out, not knowing he'd be kidnapped and brought to our tiny show. Looks like he had a good time.