They Said It Couldn't Be Done!

If two-ply toilet paper is good, then three-ply tissue must be like getting a back rub from God! At least, that's what toilet-paper researchers in Wisconsin are hoping.

First, I realized I do not have the worst job ever, since there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And, surprise, there are enough to comprise a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute. And these masters of industry have come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product that will make your colon swell with pride, feces, and...ah...more pride.

Their new product will be launched next week and the company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft", planning to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time". Or as those classy, mature women are fond of saying, "taking a lazy shit".

Industry analyst (toilet paper has an industry analyst?) Bill Schmitz is skeptical. He said extra layers would make toilet paper stronger, not softer, although he said Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness. Well, until they pass the critical Schmitz test, this idea isn't gaining extra points with my ass.