"Love", Actually

Normally, I don't get involved in the trite dealings of "reality" programming, but there's been an obnoxious wave of publicity and awareness washing over the interweb regarding the latest season of The Bachelor.

Every little bit I hear and see makes the show seem more ridiculous. Tenley or Vienna? Is he choosing a spouse or a breakfast tea? And the people chiming in like it matters. What is most amazing is that people get sucked in and waste a single emotional drop caring about the contrived romance jiggered together for ratings. Folks, after 13 seasons of this nonsense, the bachelor's record is and 1-12 (and that one a gimme just because one of the couples broke up in 2007 and got back together a year later). That's programming, not love.

Even if you didn't watch the show - and never will, here's the Warming Glow live Twitter feed of the show. It is infinitely funnier and more interesting than that roses-for-whores exchange ever could be. And you'll hate how stupid the show is exponentially more.

• Note to fans of masochism: I will be live-tweeting tonight's "Bachelor" finale from this here feed. It's possible I won't survive.

• Get ready for "The Bachelor," bitches! Blast this and get ready for LOVE! http://bit.ly/ur8gM

• 45 seconds in: I feel ill.

• I plan on keeping a tab on the number of times Jake calls being on a reality show "a journey." So far: two.

• "There's something so natural about Vienna, the bottle blonde who has chased me relentlessly." Jake is so, so wise.

• Holy fuck, Jake's conversation with his family is so staged that I can't believe people watch this. I'm gonna need to start drinking soon.

• So, Jake's family likes the cute, sweet girl. However, Jake fears they're going to dislike the trashy slut.

• Jake: "It would be great to start a family with Tenley. But Vienna gives KILLER head!" (I'm reading between the lines.)

• Vienna's less attractive and less interesting than Tenley, and cross-eyed to boot. Translation: she spends ten hours a day doing kegels.

• Ah, the sweet release of commercials. Never leave me

• GAHHHHHHHHH THIS BITCH IS SO UGLY! http://bit.ly/cFt4J9 And that's a GOOD picture.

• I'm gonna put my gay pants on for a second and say: Vienna needs a hot oil treatment and some conditioner. Damn, girl. You broke.

• Jake: "I have no idea who I'm going to propose to... is what the producer is telling me to say."

• For those asking me to give this up: No. I'm sorry. I must do this. I will emerge from this crucible stronger. And drunk.

• Jake: "I look at Vienna and Tenley, and I see my future wife in both of them." THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

• Okay, I survived 48 minutes without booze. But I'm drawing the line at "I love you" written in the mud on Jake's bare torso. Whiskey ahoy!

• Vienna's hair actually looks BETTER with mud in it. ("Journey" count now at three.)

• Vienna: "I have a very special gift for Jake tonight." Yeah, she washed her hair.

• Thanks to @effedparkslope and @lucasshanks for also live-tweeting this. It makes me feel less alone. ("Journey" count: 4)

• Aw, Tenley's so sweet. Why can't I find an attractive simpleton?

• Awwww, Tenley gave Jake a very sweet shadowbox of their memories that was made by an assistant producer for the show.

• For the record, Vienna's hair STILL looks like shit. Also: we are FINALLY rewarded with "On the Wings of Love." http://bit.ly/ur8gM

• Okay, one final #bachelor tweet: seriously, I can't get over how retarded Vienna looks. Except retards have more life in their eyes.