Another Self-Credentialed Doctor

What is it with former 90's celebs who all of a sudden think they have a PhD in medicine?

First, Jenny McCarthy rewrites the medical journals with her no-science approach to curing autism, and now Sheryl Crow is an expert on the brain.  Yesterday on Katic Couric's talk show, the singer said she believes her benign brain tumor was caused by frequent cellphone use.  Sure, Crow admits that no doctors will confirm it, but she thinks it's possible her meningioma, is related, since she used to spend hours on the "old, archaic cellphones."

Scientists say evidence linking cellphone use to brain tumors has been inconsistent, and most studies have not found a link.  About 6,000 people are diagnosed with meningiomas in the US annually according to the National Cancer Institute. And it just so happens that Crow falls into the group that is most prone to developing meningiomas - women in their 40s and 50s.

Here's a little background science for ya:  Cellphones emit radiofrequency energy, which can be absorbed by tissues, but the only known biological effect of this energy (like the kind emitted by microwave ovens), is a tiny rise in temperature.  That is not known to damage DNA the same way as the ionizing radiation in X-rays, and damage to DNA is considered a necessary step to cause cancer.

A Danish study of nearly 2.9 million people published in 2011 found that those who used cellphones for 11 years or more were no more likely to develop a type of benign brain tumor than those who used cellphones for a shorter period, or not at all. Another study from Denmark found no link between the location of brain tumors called gliomas and the regions of the brain that are exposed to the highest levels of radiofrequency energy. In addition, between the 1987 and 2007, a period when cellphone use rose rapidly, there was no increase in the incidence of brain cancer in the United States, the NCI says.

So there is no conclusive evidence that cellphones cause brain tumors.  Sheryl Crow's music however...

Another Slice Of Shut The Fuck Up Pie

I just love rubbing the truth in Jenny McCarthy's face (and anything else I can get away with) ever since she began her crusade to find something and someone to blame for her autistic kid (other than the wrath of a karma-lovin' god).

A new government study adds to the evidence that thimerosal, a mercury-based preservative (until recently found in many vaccines), does not increase children's risk of autism. Kids who had been exposed as babies to high levels of the preservative, either through vaccines they received or their mothers received while pregnant, were no more likely to develop autism, including two distinct subtypes of the condition.

Concerns about a link between vaccines and autism were first raised more than a decade ago by Andrew Wakefield. His report, based on 12 children, has since been discredited and was retracted earlier this year by the journal that published it. But the damage had been done, and with idiot bigmouths like McCarthy spewing bad info, the health scare caused many parents to shy away from recommended vaccines like the one against measles, mumps and rubella. The result? Outbreaks of all three diseases followed.

The researchers used data for U.S. children born between 1994 and 1999, who were enrolled in one of three managed care organizations. They found 256 children with an autism spectrum disorder and compared them with 752 children who did not have the condition, but were matched for age and sex. No matter when a child had been exposed to thimerosal, there was no increase in the risk of any type of autism spectrum disorder. In fact, children exposed to the preservative between birth and 20 months of age had slightly lower odds of developing the condition.

Lost Weekend

Monday morning you'll get not only the complaints, but the mass suicides that accompany tragic ends. Will Lost be any different than the other epic show endings? For sure they won't be answering six years worth of building questions, though the latter half of this season has been chipping away at some of the broader story lines. I look forward to the conclusion with equal parts excitement and sorrow. Unfortunately I'm left with even less to watch in an already bleak television landscape.

Best of the week: Man-made DNA has booted up a cell for the first time. Things are going to start getting strange. Maybe I need to start watching Fringe...

The feat itself is the culmination of two and a half years of tests and adjustments. Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute inserted artificial genetic material into cells that were then able to grow naturally. You want to have designer genes? Now you've got them. On a Friday in March, scientists inserted over 1 million base pairs of synthetic DNA into Mycoplasma capricolum cells before leaving for the weekend. When they returned on Monday, their cells had bloomed into colonies. And asked why they had to work on the weekend and the scientists didn't.

When it was announced in early 2008 they had assembled a synthetic Mycoplasma genitalium genome, their recent success was expected, but far sooner. Initially, the M. genitalium had an extremely slow growth rate, and slow results. And successful transplantation of the new DNA was failing, so they switched to Mycoplasma mycoides. Dipping costs to create the synthesis also accelerated the process.

Usable new genomes are still years off from being perfected, but this is the start of something huge.

Plus: American Apparel announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010, which could result in them defaulting on one of their loans. Is the end near for pseudo-pornographic clothing ads?

Company revenues were up almost 7% compared to the same period last year, but their operating loss was a lot bigger than the 2009 first quarter figures. Overall, the company is now more than $91 million in debt. Hey Dov, stop fondling the help and start running the company better. The manufacturer is trying to restructure the loan deal, but it's not sure it will be able to. "There can be no assurance that if either or both of these events were to take place, that the company would be able to obtain the additional sources of liquidity required to continue operations." Basically, they'll shut down without operational funds.

Realistically, they won't close because the brand is too big and too visible. But you can certainly expect new ownership to swoop in and pick up the company for a good value in return for covering the debt.

Also: Never mind that designer DNA of the future - right now they're working on fixing your biotech issues!

A team in France have implanted the first functional glucose biofuel cell in rats. The biofuel cell uses glucose and oxygen present in the body at all times Do you get it? Bio-batteries! Previous attempts failed because of the dangerously-acidic conditions needed for the cell, but by placing the electrodes and enzymes inside a dialysis bag, the the acidity stays inside but allows oxygen and glucose to flow through.

The biofuel cell would likely be used to power implanted medical devices like pacemakers, a goal similar to other in-development implantable power generators such as the ones using vibration and body heat. The maximum power achieved so far is 6.5 microwatts - and a pacemaker needs 10, but instead of having to open people up every ten years to replace the battery, this could have a significant result. And eventually power some other cool gizmos, like that camera eye or ear microphone recorder. And wait until you see the sex implants.

And: Both Shrek Forever After and MacGruber both open today, and one of them is not taking the box office competition lightly. Enter, Shrek Exposed, a new website that shows pictures of Shrek dressed as Hitler and masturbating to religious figures. I knew it!

Everyone knows that Shrek is a chronic masturbator, but do you know about his habit of masturbating on beloved public personalities, successful business people, and religious figures? I bet not. Shrek has been distributing images of himself ejaculating on photos of the Pope (pictured), Celine Dion, Buddha, the CEO of Home Depot, Rachel Ray, the CFO of Citigroup, and many, many more. Is nothing sacred to this disgusting ogre?

And I'm so sick and tired of the Shrek advertising onslaught, I don't mind what the marketing department kids are doing for MacGruber. Well played!

Best picture of the week:

they may not want to talk about it on The View, but Julie Bowen can breastfeed on this site whenever she wants

Best bonus links:

• Trail Of Blood Leads To 'Fight Club' - It better. How disappointing if it led to a plate of homemade cookies instead?

• First-Ever Sighting Of Jesus In A Lung - Praise the lung? At least they can't put it up on eBay and try to make a profit off it. People don't find the lord, they find his value.

• Blowgun Woman: I Like To Hear People Say 'Ouch' - One of the more obscure fetishes out there, but still illegal.

• The Top 10 Aqua Teen Hunger Force Moments Of The Decade - It may be past it's prime, but after 100 episodes and 10 years, there's still lots of laughs over that time.

• Man Accused Of Offering To Swap Baby For Beer - It was for two 40-ounce beers, if that helps you understand what was at stake.

• Shia LaBeouf: I 'Dropped The Ball' On 'Indiana Jones' Sequel - Everyone did. At least you have the balls to take some blame for it's massive suckatude.

• Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless - Somewhere, there are a lot of sad trophy wives.

• Teen Idol Justin Bieber Vs. Glass Door - The glass door wins! Damn it, someone get that video posted, stat!

• Pee-Wee Leaving The Playhouse For Broadway Stint - Not bad for a guy who's career was once railroaded on account of enjoying a film he was watching. How else does one watch porn?

• Sarah McLachlan Says Lilith Sales Pretty Soft - Is there a lesbian joke in there somewhere? Methinks yes!

• CBS Cancels Seven Series, Including Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs And Cold Case - One of the first broadcasting moves they've made that I can get behind.

• DWP To Fire 2 Workers Caught On Tape Apparently Drinking, Driving And Patronizing Strip Club - it's doesn't stand for department of wild partying, though they did give it an honest try

• U2's Bono Has Emergency Back Surgery In Germany - It was necessary after years of patting himself on it. He's lucky he didn't also break his arm trying to do it all those times.

• What It Looks Like When Shoggoths Invade Your Home - Worse than ants, termites, and even rodents are unwelcome Ancient Ones.

• Husband Bails From Moving Vehicle After Wife Refuses To 'Shut Up' - This would be my favorite story of the week if he was driving the car at the time.

• 49% Of California Voters Back Legalizing Pot, Poll Finds - The other 51% are worried that they won't be able to get the good shit anymore if they legalize it.

• Rocker Bret Michaels Back In Hospital After Suffering 'Warning Stroke' - All strokes are a warning. A warning you're going to die.

Worst of the week: Lindsay Lohan, public enemy #1.

Instead of completing the few remaining hours of community service and alcohol education classes for her probation, she thought it would be a better idea to got to Cannes and learn firsthand about alcohol. Which was a bad idea. With time running out, she had to face the facts - there were no flights available for her to take back on time because of the volcano situation in Iceland! Except there were.

On the eve of the date she had to return to America to go before the judge and prove she stuck to the terms of her probation, she was still in France, coming up with a more plausible excuse reason not to return. And then she found it - her passport was stolen! Brilliant! But did she go and apply for a new one? That would be a big no. What good would that do? Those "flights" are still all "unavailable"...

Naturally, a judge issued a warrant Thursday for her arrest after Lohan missed the mandatory hearing, but don't expect her to be arrested at the airport. They've conveniently set bail at $100,000. And it didn't seem to worry Lohan much either, who was partying halfway around the world as the paperwork was being filed, likely because she had received a "new" passport, though there's no record of her doing that.

And that arrest? Now that 10% of the bail has been paid, there won't be, because it counts the same as paying the full amount. Yeah, I don't get it either, but really, she's just the victim in all this. Lohan claims her father is behind the theft of her passport. Seriously. Like a Machiavellian genius, who happens to wear mesh shirts. Some would ask about a picture of her in Cannes just arm's reach from a fat line of coke, but you know the answer to that by now. You see, It's all part of a big conspiracy to frame her.

She's so amazingly stupid that there may need to be a new category of retardation created just for her. Can she just pull a Monroe and OD already?

Plus: The so-called autism diet, a gluten-free, casein-free eating plan, does not appear to improve the symptoms of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Looks like Jenny McCarthy isn't going to get that spokeperson gig after all...

About one in 110 U.S. children has ASD, which includes classic autism as well as Asperger's syndrome and other forms marked by difficulties in social interaction and communication. Bowel problems are also common in ASD children. Also, let me point out that bowel problems are also common in other children.

The use of the so-called autism diet has become popular, but in the small group of children studied, researchers "did not see a demonstrable improvement". The new study results follow another report, concluding that 14 published studies of the gluten-free, casein-free diet did not find it useful.

I won't bore you with details, but the child subjects participated in intensive behavior intervention to make the group as similar as possible. All children were put on a strict gluten-free, casein-free diet before getting a snack once a week with either 20 grams of wheat flour, 20 grams of evaporated milk, both, or neither. This lasted for several months.

The autism diet has become popular based on a theory that some children have insufficient enzyme activity in their gastrointestinal tracts, resulting in incomplete digestion of casein, a protein found in milk and other dairy products, and gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley, and other grains. The incomplete breakdown is what leads to the symptoms, advocates of the dietary approach contend. But where's the tie to autism? Oh, I guess there isn't any link between autism and digestive problems.

Critics might point out that an 18-week study is not long enough to produce real change, adding, "Some parents would say six months to a year [is needed to notice changes]". But I say fuck them. They're just parents with kids that have autism, not scientists. They're just going to continue to deny it until they get the results they want.

Also: Previously unknown California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes has a grand idea for the state's male sex offenders. I'll give you a hint - if you currently live on Santa Rose Island, you're going to want to move.

Under his plan, male "convicted pedophiles" would have three choices: leave California forever, stay in prison for the rest of their lives, or move to self-sustaining "Pedophile Island." That's the catchy new moniker for Santa Rosa Island, part of Channel Islands National Park near Santa Barbara. According to Hughes, "The maintenance of Santa Rosa Island is a waste of taxpayer's money. Most of the visitors who go there are Park Rangers or environmentalists, not the general public." And who cares if they get molested?

Here's how it'll work:

The first of pedophiles to go to the island would be a lead team for "their society" such as police, fire personnel, judges, fish and game agents, forest rangers, ranchers, farmers, building contractors, surveyors, and the like to establish the "Island" community. This lead team will be responsible for creating a master plan for the "Island. The "Island's" master plan will include the construction of city hall, a medical facility, water department, police and fire departments, as well as provide for the farm, ranch and housing areas. All construction will be completed by the pedophiles assigned to the "Island".

The first order of business will be to establish temporary housing, the farm, and the ranch. The "Island" pedophiles will write their own "Island" constitution. The constitution will be reviewed for any improvements by a State of California department to be formed to oversee the "Island". This will all occur until enough pedophiles have moved to the "Island" making the "Island" community self-sufficient.

Life on the "Island" will include certain restrictions such as they may never leave the "Island", and they may never bring children to the "Island". If they don't want to live this way they should have left the state. However, once they choose the island that will be their home for the duration of their life.

While pedophiles are Hughes' foundation, there are other bizarre stances. Here he is on oil:

All oil sites must be in a "Ready" condition at all times and kept primed at all times. If we are cut off from the World Oil supply; we must be ready! All possible oil sites must be drilled and made ready. For this the land-owners should be given a percentage of the take. All land owners that will be affected by oil smells or unsightly wells with heavy traffic or pipelines, should be compensated.

And on drugs:

As Governor, I will enforce a program that gives addicts three choices:
1. To buy drugs from the state for ½ price of the street price.
2. Buy drugs from the street at full price.
3. Accept rehabilitation.

Wow, that really solves the problem...of finding drugs if you're a junkie. And his high-speed rail plan seems a little bit like this Chinese idea. And let's not kid ourselves about how whacked out China is. Hughes is really trying hard to make California look it's craziest.

And: Facebook's CEO came up with a way of predicting who any given user would be dating one week in the future. Data mining and privacy intrusion...just for fun!

According to The Facebook Effect, a new book about CEO Mark Zuckerberg, his teams would comb through user data and look for patterns:

As the service's engineers built more and more tools that could uncover such insights, Zuckerberg sometimes amused himself by conducting experiments. For instance, he concluded that by examining friend relationships and communications patterns he could determine with about 33 percent accuracy who a user was going to be in a relationship with a week from now. To deduce this he studied who was looking which profiles, who your friends were friends with, and who was newly single, among other indicators.

Once you get past the creepy voyeurism, look at the most evil implications, like targeted advertising opportunities. Do those flower delivery and restaurant ads seem more suspect now? Zuckerberg wants to advance the process, having already created an entire data science team to find interesting patterns. It's only a matter of time until others know you better than you know yourself...

Worst picture of the week:

typical rich asshole at Cannes

Worst bonus links:

• Charlie Sheen To Earn Nearly $2 Mil An Episode On 'Men' - And now they've ruined all that good will from cancelling those other programs. That's too much money to not be funny.

• Explosion At Turkish Coal Mine Traps 32 Workers - The only thing worse than a Turkish coal mine is a Turkish bathhouse.

• Courtney Love: I Had A Lesbian Fling With Kate Moss - Some things can not be unseen. Even if they're in your mind.

• Mercedes Decide Against Schumacher Appeal / F1 Safety Car Rules Amended - If Brundle said it looked legal, then that's good enough for me. I don't get why Mercedes isn't appealing, because the drop down to 12th was an unnecessary penalty. And clearly it's grey enough that they're immediately making a rules revision.

• I Liked Celebrities More Before Twitter - The biggest, overeacting bitchboy, ever. Quit your crying and shut up, sissy.

• Swingers' Case Tests Sexual Limits In China - Anything sexual tests China's limits. And most things non-sexual, too.

• Kate Hudson: I'm Comfortable With My Body's Imperfections - Unless they're her breasts, which is why she had that recent boob job.

• The Dead Weather Drops 2nd Abum In A Year - They could drop one a month and it still wouldn't be any good. Jack White should focus on quality, not quantity.

• Woman Sues Cell Phone Company After Her Husband Discovers Her Affair - Phone company to countersue her for being a stupid whore. And they're going to win.

• Report: Landis Admits Doping And Fingers Armstrong - Cheating and inappropriate touching? That's two no-no's.

• Arizona Official Threatens To Cut Off Electricity To L.A. In Retaliation For Boycott - You want us to get a third of out electricity from another state? I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige.

• Guitarist Falls Ill After Taking Viagra - More proof that shitty musicians with limp dicks can't handle their drugs.

• State Dinner Goes Smoothly, Despite Salahi Driveby - First they're crashing events, now they're doing drive-bys? They're hardcore!

• Kings Assistant Arrested On Sex-Abuse Charge In DC - Not quite the start of the off-season I was hoping for.

• Source: Jen Aniston Asked To Be Retouched On New Film - I think she should be retouched in everything she does with images of Diora Baird.

• Justin Bieber: I'm a Great Kisser - His preferred makeout spot: the Wal-Mart rest stop, he says. That's an actual part from the post, not my comic stylings.

• Wal-Mart Still Selling Miley Cyrus Cadmium Jewelry - Even without the toxic cadmium, it's still awful.

Ass-Kicking Weekend

So even if Mark Millar is having a little hissy fit about his print work, he's got to be all smiles about Kick-Ass debuting - as am I. Ever since they announced the comic would be turned into a flick - which was after only one issue, I've been reading it with anticipation. Yeah, knowing how it will end could be considered a drawback, but that only makes me want to see how it translates to film.

And on the other side of the universe from geek pursuits is game two of the Kings / Canucks playoff series on Saturday. The first one came down to OT and was a loss, but the Kings will play their asses off to make sure they don't come back to town down by two. There's also the Chinese Grand Prix on Sunday. Red Bull, Ferrari, and McLaren have all taken the top of the podium, so will there be a repeat winner finally or does Mercedes have the goods to claim legitimacy as one of the Big Four teams in the race world?

Best of the week: Finding an NHL jersey craze in West Africa is like that scene from Tropic Thunder, in which Ben Stiller discovers a remote village worships his character's box office bomb Simple Jack because it's one of the only VHS tapes it owns. Necessity can facilitate some strange cultural mash-ups.

National Post writer Bonnie Allen found Liberians wearing Toronto Maple Leafs, Montreal Canadiens, Chicago Blackhawks and other NHL jerseys being bought, sold and worn by the citizenry. Sure, they added teams in Florida, but this isn't the next stage of expansion.

"We don't know the game," one man admitted. "But the jerseys are very fine. Very high quality."

The booming and controversial used-clothes business in Africa means hockey jerseys can be found sprinkled throughout this war-torn West African nation. Bizarrely, the authentic hockey jersey has become a status symbol among the poor for its "premium-grade" rating and high price tag ($4 CDN!). "It is tough, tough material," a street vendor raved. "If you buy it, you can wear it for 20 years."

That the jerseys are donated by churches and charities in North America, and the popularity is a bit surprising, given the widespread belief by many Africans that these "used clothes have been stripped from the body of a dead person." Perhaps not, but some of those teams have barely had a pulse all season.

Check out the Post's gallery of Liberians in NHL sweaters, as they attempted to find all 30 teams. Puck Daddy (who posted the links) added, "No word if the village enforcers all wear Philadelphia Flyers jerseys, or if feuding communities are naturally drawn to Flames and Oilers jerseys. Clearly, this West African nation is on the cusp of NHL fandom. You know, once they work past the whole 'no national electricity grid and televisions are for the rich' thing."

Plus: Folks are slowly realizing what happened to them on April Fool's day. The online game store Gamestation.co.uk added language to its click through license that asked customers to surrender their immortal souls, though it offered a checkbox to opt out if you wanted to keep yours. 7,500 customers did not check the box.

By placing an order via this Web site on the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant Us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorised minions....we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."

A small minority of the customers probably didn't check the box because they knew it was all a gag, the majority likely didn't check it off because they didn't read the agreement. No one reads the agreements. Famous Sister deals with stuff like that for a giant software corporation, to which Herr Docktor comically noted that her hard work is negated by people who don't read them or skip them entirely. And realistically, they aren't agreements anyway. The legal fiction that you can create agreement merely by throwing tens of thousands of words' worth of legalese at a customer is not as bound in stone as you'd think. I'd be willing to bet your soul on it.

And: Directed by the notorious Banksy himself, Exit Through The Gift Shop takes viewers through the illicit world of street art. Looking behind the scenes of the movement, the film follows the transformation of French shopkeeper Thierry Guetta — who’s obsessed with documenting street art, but unable to make a good film — into Mr. Brainwash, a megalomaniacal artist set on conquering the graffiti-art scene. Narrated by Rhys Ifans, the film also features music by Roni Size and Portishead’s Geoff Barrow set to footage of Banksy, Shepard Fairey, and other street-art heroes.

You can visit the Exit Through the Gift Shop website, read an interview with Banksy, catch photos of celebrities tagging a limo at the Hollywood premiere, and watch a video of Banksy’s phenomenal exhibition in Bristol...or act as though dogs playing poker is actual art.

Best picture of the week:

flights all over Europe may be screwed, but it's still an awesome eruption

Best bonus links:

• Hugh Hefner Says Tiger And Jesse James Are Creeps - If an 84-year-old pussy-monger with decades of sexual affairs with multiple girlfriends thinks you're a scumbag, I think the odds are he's right.

• Japanese Toilet Horror - I automatically have to post anything that has a combination of the words 'toilet', 'Japanese', and 'horror'.

• F1 Keen On Russia, New York - Who knows how they'll pull off a street circuit in the Big Crapple, but that'll be easier to get to than Montreal (no customs agents searching my shampoo for narcotics).

• HBO's New Drama 'Treme' Renewed For 2nd Season - That's how good it is after airing only one show. Guess I need to start watching it...after I finish five seasons of The Wire.

• Lethal Injection Or Firing Squad: Death Row Inmate In A Bind - what a shitty pair of choices. Wonder what Bing has to say on that...it is billed as a decision making engine.

• Judge: National Day Of Prayer Is Unconstitutional - Fortunately, National Day Of Pizza is still legal. Hooray!

• Former NYT Reporter Sleeps On Street, Eats Out Of Garbage Cans - It's all part of his new series of reports titled "I fucked my life up and will be dying like a pauper soon".

• The Diarrhea Defense - If you're claiming diarrhea as a defense for anything, you get a link here.

• Site Posts Pics Of Chicken-Eating Times Reviewer - And no, it does not have anything to do with either of the above links.

• JWoww Wishes She Could Get Implants Every Year - As do I.

• Bishop Convicted For Denying Holocaust - Amazing how church members can pretend something that effected millions never happened. Oh wait, they can...

• Evander Kane KO's Cooke, Becomes Beloved In Boston - Even if you don't know the back story, it's an awesome clip to watch.

• Escaped Inmates Dress As Sheep - Suck on that, Shawshank Redemption!

• Copying Is Not Theft, Now With Studio-Recorded Audio! - This may or may not be legally sound in court, but it's unflappable logic to me.

• Foes Of Tea Party Movement To Infiltrate Rallies - A nice take on keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Though making them look like bigger asses than they already are will be hard.

• Man Dies While Waiting In Line To Buy World Cup Tickets - And normally that would suggest it was a long line. But as a consolation, the seats he would have had were not that good anyway.

• Important Breaking News: Big Tits Zombie 3D - That is important! It's like the perfect storm of all that is hot in film and culture today. It will probably bring about the end of the universe.

Worst of the week: Clearly Mike Huckabee is not seriously considering a presidential bid for the Republicans in 2012. Why else would you say the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is comparable to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. He also told college journalists last week that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt. "Children are not puppies," he said. Jesus, you prick - gays can't even have pets?

The former Arkansas governor visited the obscure College of New Jersey in Ewing to speak to the Student Government Association. He also was interviewed by a campus news magazine, The Perspective, which published an article two days later. Dumbfuckabee, which he will be henceforth referred to as, told the interviewer that not every group's interests deserve to be accommodated, if their lifestyle is outside of what he called "the ideal."

"That would be like saying, well there's there are a lot of people who like to use drugs so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want to use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, should we accommodate them?" he said, according to a transcript of the interview. Guess he'll be left of Mitt Romney's Xmas list.

"Why do you get to choose that two men are OK but one man and three women aren't OK?" he asked. Uh, the answer is that polygamy is illegal, and people en masse are not trying to change that law, whereas folks nationwide have voted to legalise gay marriage. You ought to know that if you're really thinking about being a leader.

Huckabee added that his goal isn't to tell others how to live, but that the burden of proving that a gay marriage can be successful rests with the activists in favor of changing the law. "I don't have to prove that marriage is a man and a woman in a relationship for life," he said. "They have to prove that two men can have an equally definable relationship called marriage, and somehow that that can mean the same thing." And once again, I'll have to refer him to the previous statements and voting records of places like Connecticut, Washington DC, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Iowa, Wisconsin, Oregon, Washington, California, and Nevada.

Dumbfuckabee's archaic point of view is equally old. In response to a 1992 questionnaire from The Associated Press, the then Senatorial candidate spelled out his opposition to homosexuality, saying it was crucial that the country not "legitimize immorality". "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle," he wrote, in response to a question about gays in the military. He also advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public, saying it was necessary to confine "carriers of this plague."

I haven't seen this kind of political suicide since R. Budd Dwyer...

Plus: Kathy Griffin is going to be promoting pap smears, which is fine...except she's going to be doing it poolside at the Palomar Hotel, just down the street here from me in Los Angeles. And worse than seeing her 46-year old crotchhole is the info that she's getting her vagina vagazzled. Cue the blockquoted press release.

On Friday, April 16th, she will receive this important test in hopes that every woman will see how easy it is to get this done. She will receive this test poolside at the Palomar Hotel, by a veteran medical physician at 12pm. This is will be taped for her hit reality show "My Life On The D- List." Kathy feels that this cause is so important that she has bedazzled her "va-jay-jay," so it can be as 'va-beautiful' as it 'va-can.'

Kathy's goal is to get the word out about women's health. She wants to say "Suck it to Cancer" and educate women all across the world about keeping their bodies healthy and of course inform them about when they should be getting their check-ups.

I'm all for preventing cancer, but Kathy Griffin's live pap smear is not the solution. Especially as fodder for her crappy show. The only way I'd ever want to look at her vagina is if it was vagazzled with Isla Fisher's vagina.

Also: Perspective future bachelors - you don't get to keep your assets just because you file for divorce first.

Larry King filed his paperwork shortly before his seventh wife also sought to end the couple's nearly 13-year-old marriage. The 76-year-old host of his namesake CNN program made the move hours before Shawn King filed her own petition. Both cited "irreconcilable differences." The couple were married in a hospital room in 1997 three days before Larry King underwent surgery to clear a clogged blood vessel. They have two sons, ages 11 and 9. The petitions differ in that Larry King is seeking joint custody, while his 50-year-old wife wants physical custody.

But the kicker is that Larry King is also asking a judge not to award his wife any spousal support and to invalidate an agreement in which he transferred property to her. And this matters because Larry never signed a prenup. And in California, earnings accumulated during a marriage are split 50/50, and King’s net worth is reportedly estimated at $144 million.

As teh story goes, several years ago Shawn accused Larry of having an affair with her sister, Shannon Engemann. Shawn threatened to leak the story to the media unless Larry signed a document giving up his interest in their Beverly Hills estate, along with two other homes in Utah. Larry took the document to his attorney, who ordered him not to sign it. Larry then went to Shawn’s lawyer, and that attorney eventually gave Larry the green light to sign the agreement. Well of course her attorney did!

Having been married all those other times, I think he should have figured it out. But now he deserves the shithole he's dug himself. With the other exes and payments he's making, he'll need to work another 54 years before he can retire.

And: Children's author K.P. Bath has pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography. His name even sounds creepy, but wait until you get a look at his picture.

The 51-year-old author of "The Secret of Castle Cant" is expected to spend six or seven years in prison. I'm sure he'll have some wonderful secrets from that adventure! The Portland resident was arrested last April after federal agents discovered thousands of sexually graphic images and more than 125 videos on Bath's computer and thumb drives. I understand politicians being liars, and Wall Street bankers being fradulent, but children's authors as pedophiles just crosses a line.

Worst picture of the week:

the only thing I like less than baseball are whores doing self promotion through baseball (Holly Madison = vomit)

Worst bonus links:

• A Mysterious Powder And A Miscarriage Prompt Investigation Of Restaurateur - It's not like he put something in the food at his eatery. He just rubbed a substance on his girlfriend to abort his unwanted pregnancy.

• Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee Apologizes To Sandra Bullock, Says She 'Would Do It Again' - Newsflash there, tattoohead...that's not an apology, because an intrinsic part of an apology is remorse. Nevermind, you can't teach an old Nazi new tricks.

• Zac Efron Headed For Life Of Crime In 'Snabba Cash' - It just sounds gay when you have Efron in the same sentence as 'Snabba' - whatever the fuck that is.

• Green Men Of Vancouver, Your Current Playoff MVPs - Perverting my beloved It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, especially against the Kings, makes me sad.

• Heidi Montag Is Writing a Bourne-Meets-Barbie Action Flick - It will be the first treatment done entirely in crayon. She's too stupid to function properly, sho whow is she going to pull this off?

• John Tesh Confirms: Oprah And I Dated - How did that giant head filled with nougat become the nubian queen of bland white dudes? First Roger Ebert and now Teshy? There wasn't any Hallie Berry back then, but what about Dihann Caroll or Shari Bellafonte or Rae Dawn Chong? It's further proof that her relationship with Stedman Graham is bogus - she isn't into black men (where are the one's who dated her?), and the only black action she likes is Gayle King.

• Twilight's Kellan Lutz: 'I'm A God' - No, you're a douche. You're in Twilight, and your name is Kellan Lutz. Kellan? Lutz? Uberdouche.

• Study: Cats And Dogs Are Household Hazards - Right up there with knives, outlets, and ill-constructed closet shelving. And none of those eat their own feces and then lick your face.

• Consumer Reports Calls Lexus GX 460 Unsafe - But it is the most luxurious and sleek sport SUV that you'll ever have the pleasure to possibly roll. And isn't that a risk of status you're willing to take?

• Demi Moore: 'Laughter And Smiling Are The Best Antidotes to Aging' - I thought last week we had this covered? You had more work done than the LA freeway system (and may actually be a better ride). Shut the fuck up!

• A 2nd Garbage Patch: Plastic Soup Seen In Atlantic - I thought there were more Garbage Pail Kids until I read a little closer. Now I'm not so jazzed...

• Charlie Sheen's Rep Denies Cheating, Explains Fake Mustache - I would take Sheen in a dead pool above Linsday Lohan if only he could be killed. He's like a drug and sex fueled Terminator. Though if the two of them hooked up...

• Police: NJ Teen Told Blacks To Leave Whole Foods - I thought trends started at upscale places like Whole Foods and then trickled down to Wal-Mart, not the other way around.

• Jenny McCarthy Blasts Steven Seagal - Take the attention off your break-up and your ill-imformed crusade against science to chime in on Steven Seagal's sleaziness. I hope it's just pre-fight hype for when they square off in an Akido match. I'm looking forward to his throat punch takedown of her.

• The People Demand A Ricky Martin Sex Tape - Which fucking people? Oh, the gay pron industry. Have they really run out of Latin men? Maybe Menudo can save the day.

• Tea Party Group Offers Refunds For Hannity No-Show - When blowhard Sean Hannity won't even show up for your extremist group rally, you may want to look at what you're doing. It came down to rebates to keep these fringe activists happy.

• Vatican To Bishops: Follow Law, Report Sex Abuse - Who says the Catholic Church isn't progressive? That's 21st century thinking right there! Because common sense can finally have it's place amongst dogma.

Weekend In-Law(s)

Scarlett's parentals are in LA for a few days, and that means we'll be brunching and dining and entertaining for the weekend. So let's get into it already, because I have plans...

Best of the week: Is it good for your health to see someone coughing, sneezing and blowing their nose? Recent studies suggests that the answer might be yes.

Researchers asked young adults to watch a 10-minute slide show containing a series of unpleasant photographs. Some of these participants looked at pictures of people who looked obviously sick in some way (people with pox and rashes, people coughing and sneezing and blowing mucus out of their noses). The participants gave blood samples both before and after each slideshow.

Next the researchers exposed these blood samples to a bacterial infection, and measured the extent to which white blood cells produced interleukin-6 (IL-6). IL-6 is a proinflammatory cytokine that white blood cells make when they detect microbial intruders. More IL-6 indicates a more aggressive immune response to infection. By measuring IL-6 before and after the slide show, the researchers were able to determine whether seeing pictures of disease-y people actually stimulated the immune system to fight infection more aggressively. And it did.

Interesting, but thus far watching adult movies doesn't boost your love making abilities.

Plus: I'm all for PC and not an Apple person at all. So with the hype around the maxi-iPhone iPad, it didn't take long to get past the gloss to really see the drawbacks for such an expensive toy.

It's awkward You can't carry it on your hip like a phone, so it presents the same portability issues as any laptop - you'll need a case of some sort to protect it and carry the power cable. Even around the house, there's no simple way to carry the iPad. It's too thin, heavy, slippery and expensive to put under your arm. Several of our testers were seen carrying it like a dinner tray, as a butler would, to go from the kitchen table to the couch. Portability, shmortability.

It's heavy To be sure, at 1.5 pounds and with all this functionality, the iPad is an impressive feat of engineering. But it's simply not light enough (a Kindle ebook reader is about 10 ounces) and that heft adds to the awkwardness. Holding the iPad in one hand for more than a few minutes to watch a movie or read an ebook results in tired wrists. Even holding it with two hands to read an ebook is tiring. Reading an ebook on a smartphone is ergonomically much more practical.

It's slippery You can ignore the awkward size and weight, but the iPad is also slippery, and its aluminum back is ever-so-slightly slightly concave. You feel as though it'd slip right out if you try to hold it under your arm. And on the kitchen counter, it slides and twirls as you try to type or swipe the screen (required for navigating). It needs rubber feet, but of course then it won't be near as cool. Or the added purchase of a stand (which is probably exactly how they ment the manufacture).

Screen glare The iPad has the same glossy screen as Apple's Macbook Pro laptops and iMac desktops. So unless you're reading in a very dim room, the glare will be noticeable and can be distracting. Even in the shade outdoors, the glare can be really annoying.

Reading in the sun (or lack thereof) If you want to take your iPad along for an outing at the beach, forget about it. The screen looks washed out and is almost impossible to view in bright sunlight. The Kindle's non-glossy e-ink display fares much better outdoors than the iPad's screen.

Fingerprints Once you've used the iPad for a few minutes, among the most glaring shortcomings (besides the screen glare) are the fingerprints on the screen. With a smartphone, you can wipe the screen on your shirt or pants. The iPad is too big for that. We're wondering what exactly to clean it with and where we'll keep the cleaning supplies.

No multitasking The iPad runs the same operating system as the iPhone, and as a result has all of the iPhone's limitations. The most obvious of these is the inability to multitask - or do multiple things simultaneously. The iPad can't run more than one app at a time (with the exception of a few Apple apps, such as iPod, the iPad's music playing app). While this is may be acceptable in a smartphone, it's a major handicap in a device that Apple expects people to spend hours at a time on.

The browser is limited The iPad also uses the same limited Safari browser that's found on the iPhone. While much fuss has been made about the iPad's inability to play Flash video, there are other things it can't do as well. For example, Safari on iPad can't be used to create Google Documents, only to view them.

The virtual keyboard stinks While the virtual keyboard on the iPad is much larger than the iPhone, it's still awkward to type on glass. Even those who've used tiny, cramped netbook keyboards will be disappointed by the lack of real keys and likely reduced to one-finger typing. The iPad can be paired with a physical keyboard, but even this is awkward, because the actions normally done with a mouse or a trackpad on a desktop or laptop have to be done with your finger on the iPad.

No USB port The lack of even one USB port - the universal means of connecting just about everything these days - means you can't connect the device to a printer or other computer peripherals, such as an external hard drive. The iPad can be connected to cameras, but it requires the purchase of a separate accessory from Apple.

iPhone-only apps look horrible Apple boasts that many of the 150,000 apps already available on the iPhone will also work on the iPad. What the company doesn't tell you is that when enlarged to fit on the iPad's screen, these iPhone apps look horrible, with images and text very pixelated. For this reason, many people will opt to buy apps that are made specifically for the iPad, which tend to be more expensive than their iPhone counterparts.

The price is too high $499 is just the beginning for a low-memory model that will fill up too quickly for anyone with a big music library and/or an appetite for video. Toss in some memory and a 2-year, $280 "we'll replace it even if you drop it" warranty at Best Buy, and you're out $1,000. Though given the iPad's weight, awkwardness and slipperiness, the warranty is probably one of the best features.

It doesn't replace anything The iPad will not replace your smartphone. Unless you can't type, it won't replace your laptop. If you love books, you could find a better e-reader. Exactly what need does the iPad fill?

Also: The top US naval officer has vowed to stop people lighting up in submarines, where the confined atmosphere has serious passive smoking implications. Wait, they actually still allowed smoking in subs?

"We are going to stop smoking on submarines," Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Gary Roughead told a recent meeting of senior submariners. Roughead? That's funny. Navy spokesman Lieutenant Commander Mark Jones confirmed a ban could be in the pipeline. "We are currently looking at changing the policy, but we have not changed the policy."

At present, smoking on US submarines is up to the commanding officer's discretion and there are designated areas on many vessels where the crew are allowed to smoke. "That atmosphere moves around the submarine. You don't smell it but the damaging things from the smoke are still present," Roughead said. Roughead? Still funny.

A Pentagon study last year carried out by the American Institute of Medicine revealed that soldiers smoke a lot more on average than civilians and that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan had seen a spike in smoking. The last official figures for the US military, in 2005, showed that almost one third of personnel in the armed forces, 32%, smoke as opposed to just one in five of the American population as a whole.

Up to 40% of US submariners smoke, making it all the more important to look into a ban for the overall health of American sailors.

Best picture of the week:

executing the pick and roll

Best bonus links:

• How To Defeat A Chain Lock With Rubber Bands - Pretty cool. Hopefully they'll figure out how to defeat a chastity belt with a rubber band next.

• US Comedian's Attack On Pacquiao Angers Philippines - The Ace-man knows a little something about boxing, and a lot about pissing people off by not pulling punches to be politically correct. Naturally a Muslim country would freak out.

• Will An AIDS Pill A Day Keep The Virus Away - But if you have to leave something on your teacher's desk, they'll probably prefer an apple.

• Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carrey Split / Jenny McCarthy Body Count - Now that she's single, pershaps she'll spend more time looking for a mate than opening her mouth about science and things she knows nothing about. And that is why there's a terrific site dedicated to making her look like the idiot lunatic she is.

• Herb Brooks Kid Tells Fenway He’s Sick Of The Yankees - Too bad this kid peaked at five years old, though it's adorable to watch a kid who probably needs a nightlight get all fired up.

• Palin, Obama Spar From A Distance Over Nuke Policy - If you're too ignorant to be able to spell nuclear, you shouldn't be allowed to vocalize your thoughts on it...Ms. Palin.

• Astronomers Solve Enigma Of Eclipsing Star - Now they can all retire, or become astologers. Or catch up on episodes of Nova.

• British Doctors Use Inert Gas To Save Baby - They burped him until he was inert. Or something.

• 10 Acclaimed Authors Who Wrote Only One Novel - Already, Scartoe and I have surpassed this since there's two seasons of His Words - Not Mine.

• Drive It Like It’s Hot - Grand Theft Auto, the reality.

• HP Preps Its Would-Be iPad Killer, The Slate - Innovation breeds competition. And less worship of iEverything.

• Max Q Live: In Space No One Can Hear You Sing - Theere is a band that has been around for years that's made up entirely of astronauts.

• AG Says Haim Obtained 550 Pills Before Death - He needed to take them so he'd be able to watch his performance in that shitty Lost Boys sequel.

• Team Releases 6 Players For Beating Up Their Coach - Normally, that's how hockey players in Slavic countrys make the team.

• Dead Man Denied Seat On Plane - And worse yet, he was being charged extra for being the carry-on.

• Fuckyouyork.com - Yes, that's a website. And that's pretty much what it has to say.

• Nepal's Living Goddess Eyes Banking Career - Either being a human deity is completely blown out of proportion, or banking is severely underated.

Worst of the week: Pajiba has the bad news...

Two more remakes in development to discuss today. Both are ’80s films (oh, OK. One was in 1990). But they present an interesting contrast between the two kinds of remakes we hate the most: 1) remakes of movies that we love that could never be duplicated; and 2) remakes of crappy movies for completely inexplicable reasons.

We’ll start with the molestation of your childhood memories remake: Columbia Pictures and Imagine Entertainment (oh, Ron Howard, how could you?) are developing a remake of Real Genius. Yes, that one. The Val Kilmer movie that everyone over the age of 30 loves. Except Communists and trash humpers. It’s about the youngest kid to be accepted into a program for geniuses who teams up with his roommates to develop a high-powered laser, which is stolen by the military and used as a weapon. But, of course, it was so much more than about that. In 1985 it was a satire. In 2010, no one knows what the hell a satire is or what it even means. The second take on the script is now out to writers, and soon, the “Mythbusters” guys may have to find a new movie to pattern their lives after.

Jesus. It just won’t be the same without the ’80s soundtrack. Also, the original made $13 million at the box office. Why would they remake this movie? (Note: This is not the sequel that was rumored years ago. This is a remake. Val Kilmer’s participation is unknown.)

The other film? House Party...yeah, who cares? Trying to improve upon Real Genius or bother to remake it is like writing a sequel to the Bible - totally unnecessary and a horrible idea. It's my favorite film and the thought of redoing it Fuck this new abomination completely.

Plus: Academics - that that term may be called into question - at the University of Hertfordshire are organising a conference about vampires and their corner of literature.

Dr. (really?) Sam George explained. "I wanted to...prove that you can study popular literature in a serious way." His call for papers led to more than 100 academics from disciplines including film, literature and cultural studies sending in abstracts; 70 have been selected to talk at the two-day conference. Planned lectures range from "Sullied Blood, Semen, and Skin: Vampires and the Spectre of Miscegenation" to "Who Ordered the Hamburger with Aids?: Blood Anxiety in True Blood".

And in a bid to make the most of that, George is launching, in September, what seems to be the world's first master's degree in vampire literature. "I've fielded a huge number of inquiries from people all over the world who are interested in studying vampires, zombies and the undead at a higher level," she says. "I had the idea of offering the master's as a direct follow-up from the conference. I thought it was crucial to have a way of extending this burst of awareness." The best papers from the conference will be collected in a book, which will become a textbook for the MA students.

Wow, that is a whole new level of retarded. Oh, who cares...there's already a real Masters you can get in real literature. But that does require oyu read decent books.

Also: Wikileaks obtained and decrypted video that shows US occupying forces in an Apache helicopter intentionally firing on a dozen civilians in Baghdad, including journalists working for the Reuters news organization: 22-year-old Reuters photographer, Namir Noor-Eldeen, and his driver, Saeed Chmagh, 40.

The video is accompanied by audio of the pilots' radio dialogue. Reuters had been attempting to obtain the video under Freedom of Information Act requests since the incident occurred in July, 2007, but the Pentagon blocked all requests. Reuters news editor-in-chief David Schlesinger says the video is "graphic evidence of the dangers involved in war journalism and the tragedies that can result". Wikileaks director Julian Assange said Wikileaks had to break military encryption on the file to view it, and will not reveal how or from whom the file was obtained. The transcript (and audio) seem to show the air crew lying about encountering a firefight. When they finish shooting, they laugh at the dead.

Looks like we're still not quite winning the hearts and minds of those people...

And: Glacier National Park has lost two more of its namesake moving icefields to climate change. Soon, it will just be Nation Park.

Warmer temperatures have reduced the number of named glaciers in the northwestern Montana park to 25, and the rest of the glaciers may be gone by the end of the decade.

The latest two to fall below the 25 acre threshold were Miche Wabun and Shepard. Each had shrunk by roughly 55 percent since the mid-1960s. The largest remaining glacier in the park is Harrison Glacier, at about 465 acres. On a local scale, fewer glaciers means less water in streams for fish and a higher risk for forest fires. More broadly, the fate of the glaciers offers a climate barometer, indicating dramatic changes to some ecosystems already under way.

Some glaciers, such as in the Himalayas, could hold out for centuries in a warmer world. But more than 90 percent of glaciers worldwide are in retreat, with major losses already seen across much of Alaska, the Alps, the Andes and numerous other ranges, according to researchers in the United States and Europe. In some areas of the Alps, ski resorts set atop glaciers have taken drastic measures to stave off the decline, such as draping glaciers in plastic sheeting to keep them cooler, or giving them Apple products, which doen't help.

Since about 1850, when the Little Ice Age ended, the trend has been steadily downward. The area of the Rocky Mountains now within Glacier National Park once boasted about 150 glaciers, of which 37 were eventually named. A handful of the park's largest glaciers could survive past 2020 or even 2030, but by that point the ecosystem could already be irreversibly altered. Geological evidence points to the continual presence of glaciers in the area since at least 5000 B.C.

A glacier needs to be 25 acres to qualify for the title. If it shrinks more, it does not always stop moving right away. A smaller mass of ice on a steep slope would continue to grind its way through the mountains, but eventually could disappear completely.

Worst picture of the week:

yellow diamond iPhone headphones...because you're an asshole

Worst bonus links:

• Russia Furious Over Adopted Boy Sent Back From US - They're worried that mail-order brides will be next.

• Eva Longoria Parker: Nicollette Sheridan's Lawsuit Could 'Tarnish The Reputation' Of 'Desperate Housewives' - Uh, what reputation is that? It's a second rate soap opera with a gaggle of harpies skanking around in what should have been called "Bored Useless Rich White Women". Any show that ridiculously has a light plane crash into a Christmas street festival as their cliffhanger episode has a wrecked reputation already.

• Lunch-Only Beer Policy Prompts Carlsberg Strike - Quit your whining. If you want to be wasted no the job, leave the factory and become a truck driver.

• Now 16, Elian Gonzalez Shown At Cuba Youth Meeting - He's been in jail for the last decade, I guess.

• Lindsay Lohan's Dad Engaged To Jon Gosselin's Ex, Couple Planning Baby - It's like the perfect storm of gossip page stories. And a vote for instituting eugenics.

• LAPD Seeks Link Between Restaurant Massacre, 2007 Execution-Style Slaying - Because they can't figure out either case. The two-for-one detective method is really catching on.

• Tiger Says He Expects To Win The Masters - The full headline was "Tiger says he expects to win the Masters and Johnson Pervert of the Year award".

• Kate Gosselin & Kids Return To TV In 'Twist Of Kate' - So clever! Just like that other dumb reality show "Kel On Earth"! I think they should get Apple guru Steve Jobs and put him on a turbine-powered wind farm. Call it "Blow Jobs".

• Is Pronger A Problem? - Yes.

• NTSB Probes Crash That Injured Blink 182 Drummer - Thanks for the urgency. That happened two years ago...

• Demi Moore: Obsessing Over Body Image Will Never Reward Us - Says the woman who spent a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery to look young. Shut the fuck up.

• 13-Year-Old To Attempt To Climb Everest - That is a long way to go just to try and be popular.

• Mexico May Cut Millions Of Cellphones To Fight Crime - Up there with their other popular plans, cutting food and plumbing to the poor. Oh, wait...that's jsut because they're the largest thrid world nation on the planet.

• Diablo Cody Is Pregnant! - That's one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet. And anyone who says "Thanks for the congrats on my fetus" is clearly unfit for motherhood.

• Lin Yu Chun Can Dance! - The androgynous Whitney Houston sound-alike also shakes his gristle. And the results are disturbing.

• No Fries With That: Fast Food Axed At Afghan Bases - Put your life on the line for a war that you don't want to be fighting, and you can't get a damn cheeseburger? War is hell.

• Vatican: Pope Willing To Meet Sex Abuse Victims - Isn't that what Facebook is for if you want to look them up? Going back for seconds, that's not cool.