Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Breaking News From The Department Of Obvious Studies

On the heels of such breakthrough research as the "Water Is Wet" papers and the universally regarded "Food Satisfies Hunger" theory, a recent study by Texas researchers seems to have proved that men who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single than their counterparts. Everything really is big in Texas, including the waste of time and money.

Their survey of nearly 1,000 men and women, they looked for "signals" sent by conspicuous consumption and how it is viewed by the opposite sex. C'mon, everybody knows that splashy spending is a signal to women that they want a to get some - the human equivalent of peacock plumage is a canary yellow Ferrari (the only reason for that nasty color is to say "look at me").

"Basically, they're just trying to convince a female that, 'Hey, if all you're looking for is genes, I have the best genes, so you should choose me,'" said marketing professor Dr. Jill Sundie. Yes, women know that the fat, ugly, middle aged guy in a sports car has the best genes. She continued, "Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date." Or a source of income.

I'm looking forward to their next project - a study linking bitchy, ugly women with loneliness.

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